Today is a new day. Coffee in hand, I attempt to face the world with a smile again. I hate going to bed feeling disillusioned, which is exactly what happened last night. But I guess I should provide a brief update of all that's taken place since my last post, which, I'm sorry to say is a lot. I will try to be concise...
As it turns out, things did not work out with the boy as many people in my life were hoping they would. I had doubts all along as to whether I should be dating anyone at all and early in the relationship I had short-circuited because of this, only to try a second time to "give it a fair shot." Can I just take this opportunity to say that fair shots are a bunch of bullshit? They're not fair to either person in the relationship. Not to him, not to me. The poor guy ended up investing 2 months in something he had no control over only to find out that I had been doubting the X-factor all along. Needless to say, I learned a lot about myself and relationships and I pray that in time he will forgive me for the pain I caused him. But I also know that I did the most merciful thing I could in cutting it off sooner rather than later... sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is not to get involved with them. And sometimes the second best thing you can do for someone is to let them go if you know it's time.
But the thing that has really made me upset recently (as in the past 2-3 days) is the sale of the classical music radio station in St. Louis (Classic 99.1) to contemporary Christian radio JOY FM. I will spare you the details of the heartbreak I've gone through over this... I suppose I should've realized it was coming. But part of me was praying that something would go wrong... that the FCC wouldn't approve the sale of the station, that the board of executives in the Lutheran Church MO Synod who owned Classic 99 would have heard the outrage of the community and reneged on the sale, that JOY wouldn't have raised enough money to buy it out after all... something to prevent it from happening. I've listened to that station since 7th grade. I knew all the programs and scheduling as well as all the radio hosts. I used to play it continuously in my bedroom when I lived at home and then streamed it through my laptop when I went away to college. In the 12 years that I've been listening, I have learned to recognize as much repertoire as was taught to me through systematic study during my 5 years in the MU School of Music. I would not be the musician I am today without that station and I am so saddened to watch it go, and frustrated by the anger and bitterness in my own heart towards the Christian community in St. Louis for buying it as well as the board of executives at LCMS for selling it off. Thus my feelings of disillusionment when going to bed last night. Truly, I was weeping over the whole issue...
In addition to this, I'm facing the hassle and turmoil of a major move at the end of the month... aka: commence emotional fragility. I'm basically saying good-bye to 6 years of relationships here in Columbia. Not to mention the intimidation and fear I've been battling in realizing what lies ahead of me at Wash U (known around these parts as the Harvard of the Midwest). I pray the other grad students don't eat me for breakfast and wonder how in the world I got in. I also pray that despite the emminent death by piano that awaits me there, that I would be able to buck up against the pressure rather than crumble like I normally do. And I pray that amidst all the fear and emotional hardship of moving that I would find a number of good things... things that make it worthwhile. I know they will be there. I guess I pray that I would see them through the awaiting storm. I hate change... just ask my parents. I do not bear it well. On the contrary, I pretty much hunker down and face it with all the elegance of an emotionally-charged small child.
Amidst all of this, I'm reminded of the promises in the Psalms. Promises of help and a trustworthy God who upholds us. And this should be enough to get me through. But humans are sinful creatures and too often my emotions and fears get the better of me. So coffee in hand, I venture forth to do more battle with my charming and exceedingly difficult Schubert sonata. Because life is a process and today is a new day.
