puzzles

I'm a huge fan of puzzles.  And I'm not talking your average 12-piece Dora the Explorer ages 2 and up puzzles.  I personally prefer something more in the range of 250-500 pieces.  Because anything less is too easy and anything more is just ridiculous.  I had half a mind this morning to drive out to my parents house to pick up one of theirs, since they seem to have a plethora of random puzzles given to them by a client several Christmases ago.  But then I realized that driving 50 miles to pick up a puzzle seemed a bit extreme...

The reason for all of this though, is because this morning during my quiet time, I suddenly saw my life as a puzzle.  There have been so many pieces that have come along throughout the years that I have thought something to the metaphorical effect of, "Ooooh!  I know exactly where that one goes!!" and then have subsequently tried to jam that piece (whether it be a person, a situation, or a line of thought) into the spot I have ready for it, thinking the entire time, "If I can just put this piece here, everything will make so much more sense and then I'll be set and ready to go on, my life in perfect order... my puzzle figured out."

There are a couple of problems with this line of thinking, the first being that the puzzle will never be figured out... it's all an illusion.  The enemy wants us to think that at some point in this life, our puzzles will be completely figured out and then we'll not only be filled with the knowledge of completed puzzles, but we'll also be completely happy and fulfilled because our puzzles will be in perfect order, sitting on the kitchen table for all to admire... which just isn't true at all... this is the same thinking that made Adam and Eve stumble in the Garden, longing to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge, of good and evil.  And the Bible clearly says that no one can understand the mind of the Lord:  His ways are higher than ours.  Nevertheless our hearts long for the day when all understanding will be revealed, a longing that is completely understandable and expected, given that we were created this way... longing for Eden, longing for understanding, longing for fulfillment, for a perfect relationship with... someone, namely the Father.  We only catch glimpses of them here on this earth... even as Christians with the presence of God given to us at all times through the Holy Spirit, we weep our way into eternity because we live in a fallen world.  Alas, these things are lost and will not come into their fullness again until we walk with Him in eternity.

The second problem with the thoughts that often pervade the Land of the Puzzle Worldview is that there are so many times when we just want to cram pieces together that aren't supposed to go together at all.  Rather than taking our pieces to the Lord and asking him if this is where that one goes or inviting him to help us figure out where to put the odd-shaped one, we say, "I know this is where this piece goes, God, and I sure hope you feel the same way because like it or not, I'm going to make this thing fit together... because this is the way I want it."  Can I just say from experience that jammed puzzle pieces never work out the way you want them to or think they should?  Never.  It's just another illusion.  You think that you ultimately know what can make you happy and how to achieve it, and to some extent that is true... like when you just absolutely know that the only thing to satisfy that PMS craving is ice cream.  God has certainly given us a brain to figure out things in our everyday lives.

But as far as the big questions in life, there's really only one thing that fills the longing in our hearts and that's a relationship with him.  If your walk with Him is truly a priority and you are seeking to live not superficially off the wisdom of others but deeply by the wisdom that comes through His word and the Holy Spirit in your heart, then the question of "How can I make these pieces fit together the way I want them to go?" suddenly disappears.  You start asking questions like, "Hmm... God, is this the way you want these to go?  Does this piece actually go over here rather than right here?"  Interestingly enough, your desires are recalibrated, not more than they should be or less than they should be, but put in their right perspective.  And then there's the element of surprise... the ride is only wild if you're not the one steering, which is definitely a hard thought to face in the midst of pain.  But if we trust in a God who claims to be goodness itself, we can trust that the pain isn't just given out arbitrarily or because we've done something wrong, but because He loves and cares for us and desires our ultimate good.  And as someone who's been through life surgery time and time again, I can honestly tell you from experience, Reader:  We have a very gracious surgeon.

twinklings

Fall has come to St. Louis, Reader.  There's a nip in the air and the leaves are starting to change colors... it's one of my favorite times of year:  the time when trail sandal season meets puffy vest season and the two overlap... cold enough to wear a puffy vest but still warm enough to wear sandals.  And tonight I have the unequivocal gratitude of a roommate with a tummy full of baked oatmeal.  Perfect.  I just love the change of seasons, especially fall.  If I could paste the findings of a leaf-hunt around the edges of my blog, I would.

The state of affairs these days in my corner of the universe are, in a word, bittersweet.  So many wonderful things have happened here recently.  For one thing, the acquisition of more students... I have almost a full studio once again.  God is so good... when it rains, it pours:  what was just a month ago maybe 5 or 6 students has now grown to 9 with the potential for 2 or 3 more.  And accompanying for LHS is fantastic... the director there is an absolute gem.  I thoroughly enjoy being pushed and sharpened by her musicianship and have marveled time and again at her ability to extend grace on a continual basis... so refreshing!  I like to think that I (hopefully) deal with my own students in the same manner... or will someday at least.  And the break from school?  Some days I just can't see myself going back for at least a few more years.  It never ceases to amaze me how much I didn't realize I needed the sabbatical.  Six years... and on the seventh she rested, right?

And maybe it's because my friend Edwina's birthday was yesterday, but tonight I miss her dearly.  I think about how she sits underneath the same sky roughly 2000 miles to the west of me, struggling with calculus-based microeconomics and grading undergraduate essays.  I think about the email she sent telling me how this is the first adult birthday she's experienced... the kind that goes by without a lot of hoopla.  I try and think about what I could send her and wish that I could catch falling stars and put hugs and tears and memories in envelopes and that they would arrive intact with the full weight of all their original meaning.  I think about five years' worth of conversations and just living life together... saying goodbye is so hard.  Dr. Budds always half-jokingly, half-seriously said that, "Life is a series of adjustments."  Truer words were indeed never spoken...

And I think about my family and all that we're going through together.  It is not a fun time for us these days... I won't say much other than the fact that we need your prayers.  Seems like each member is struggling with some form of growing pains in their own way, thus making it ever more difficult to relate to each other in a loving manner.  The more I read in James, the more I'm convinced of my own incompetency and folly in relationships... "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry..."

And in the back of my mind, I hear those words again... slow to become angry.  A passage from yesterday's sermon emerges:

"The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, 'The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness...'"

... such a hard thing to live out.  And its so overwhelming when you're trying and failing to live it out amidst difficult relationships in your life... and then you realize this has been shown to you daily by a God who's loved you since... well, the beginning of time.

Overhead the stars twinkle.  I think about Edwina.  I think about my family.  The music I'm working on swirls around in my head, mulling over itself again and again:  slow, mournful, and unresolved, just like my thoughts...