sickie

Battling a sinus infection.  It's a beautiful mess... definitely more mess than beauty though.

Last night I broke down and bought some Mucinex and the tissues with lotion and Vicks in them... so worth the extra $2 I paid for them.  Seriously, they are like a little piece of Heaven that I perpetually want in my nose until this thing has run its course.

And can I just say that taking a shower before using the netti pot / rhino horn was a mistake?  For I am now covered and need a second one.  A second shower, that is...

Also I swear that the past day or two, I've taken in more fluids than a pregnant woman.  64 oz water + 20 oz vitamin water + half a cup of coffee... what can I say?  Everyone has their vices.

But it's not bad enough (in my mind) to justify going to the doctor.  Ugh.

It's just gonna be (another) one of those days...

snowballs and saturdays

Lazy day finally.  Thank God!

Things have gotten busy lately.  Like ugh busy.  Not as bad as contest-busy.  But we're ramping up for it.  I suspect February and March will hit me like a ton of bricks.

Let me just say:  it's been a rough week.  Crazy cold here with no snow, which makes me frustrated.  And the reality of having 14 students and double accompanying is upon me with all the force of a snowball rolling down the hill, gaining speed as we speak.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids.  And I love working at Lutheran.  It's just that... well, spring sucks.  I haven't seen any of my girlfriends in a week.  I sometimes get sweet texts from them wondering where I am and if I'm still alive... aka "Has life swallowed you up, my dear?" from my friend Christine.  She has a newborn and she asks me if I'm ok.  Lordy.

Last night I did absolutely nothing.  I sat in front of the tv watching How I Met Your Mother for three hours while I made elephant valentines and got glitter all over the floor and myself from the sparkly cardstock I bought for them.  It was delightful.  But nonetheless, it makes me feel old.  Just one of the reasons I refuse to get a cat.

I think the biggest challenge I face when things get busy like this is staying in the Word and making time for myself.  The rest of the year I do moderately well at this but once the spring semester starts, for some reason it just all goes out the window.  I was lucky last year to keep running.  I think it's one of the few things that kept me sane.  And this week my sleep schedule got messed up a couple of nights in a row and wow... that was hard.  I just can not compensate like I used to.  My ability to deal with the imperfections of this world is thoroughly diminished when I don't sleep well.  Couple that with no time for myself or with the Lord and I am such a grinch.

I did manage to get a lesson in for myself, which was good.  But I had to say no to someone else in order to make it happen.  And I would not have naturally said no.  It was only because I needed Prof Burkhart's help with Federation paperwork and that was the only time she had available to meet with me for both paperwork and a lesson that I said no to this other (money-making) engagement.  I know... I have got to get better at this.  Like the ski trip I want to go on next month.  The senior high group at my church needs volunteer chaperones for their ski trip out to Colorado.  Completely free for me.  Why do I hesitate to say no to everything else and just go?  Even though my schedule is mine, I box myself in, thinking I might be needed for something.  I just need to learn to do what I need to do for myself and not second-guess it or feel guilty.

So yeah, I guess that's what I'll be doing today.  Catching up on my study of John.  And maybe making some chicken soup.  Possibly making more valentines.  Or taking a nap.  I should probably stop by the music store and pick up a few things for my kids.  But that could probably wait til Monday...

ick

Having lived with two boys now for two months, I can safely announce the following:

Boys are gross.

So, so... so gross.

Girls of the world, hear me now:  if you can find a guy who is relatively clean, take him.  Because he is a diamond in the rough and you don't have any hope for much better.  Relative cleanliness is as good as it gets.

Every day I am faced with some new and ostentatious display of disgusto.  Today it was finding Thing 1's bedsheets in the dryer and cleaning out the lint trap to find it filled with his dog's hair.  Good thing my wet underwear was waiting to go in.

Disgusto.

valentines

If it were up to me, every day would be Valentine's Day and everyone would have a Valentine and no one would begrudge the day or be ashamed of it.

I love Valentine's Day.  I am such a sucker for it.  Starting mid-January, I start seeing everything in light of Valentine's Day.  And every year since high school, I've made these adorable paper elephant valentines.  They are perfect and amazing and completely Katie.

I don't even care if I have a Valentine or not.  I just love the season.  I guess I'm just all girl in that regard.

The other day I bought some beautiful dark pink roses.  They are now in full bloom, sitting on the kitchen counter and so stinkin' lovely.

And maybe it's not the day per se, maybe it's just the month leading up to it -- the combination of everything:  winter, white, snow, against the reds and pinks and purples.  Maybe it's the hope that love brings in the midst of winter... <3

blackbird

What an interesting day.  Let me just start off by saying that I love winter.  I love it.  I love the snow.  I love driving in the snow.  I love wearing thousands of layers.  I love taking a hot bath at bedtime and then slathering on lotion and putting on your pajamas and socks so that it seals all the lotion in and crawling into bed a gooped-up mess with a book and a cup of hot chocolate or chamomile tea.  I love soup season and snow boots and peacoats or parkas and mittens and hats and puffy vests and sleeping in sweatpants.  If I ever feel inclined to cook more than usual or experiment, it's during winter.  I love that it's the time of year where people slow down and go into hibernation mode.  And I love the quiet it brings.  And I love it's sheer beauty... stark, white, pure.  It's my favorite.

But today was not exactly the epitome of wintry bliss.

St. Louis was nuts today.  I knew it the moment I stepped out the door this morning to clear off my car and was greeted by the sounds of sirens on the main roads a few miles from my house.  And they wouldn't stop.  I knew it when it took me 20 minutes to drive 2 miles to get to the first main highway and an additional hour to get out to St. Charles County, a drive that normally only takes half an hour.  And I was driving against traffic.  Many people in the area had 3 and 4-hour commutes today, spending as much time (if not more) in the car than at their jobs, thanks to the black ice and lack of salt prep.  And there was some ridiculous number of accidents reported to the Missouri Highway Patrol Troop C by 9:30 this morning... something like 240, I think?? (click here to access the Post-Dispatch article of today's events).  It. was. insane.

And at the end of the day, it seems like today is just another wintry day, like any other... dark, cold, and oh-so-quiet.  Even my roommates all went to bed early.

But I thank God all my family members are safe.  Seriously thankful.  I'm even thankful my brother was sick today so he couldn't go out, despite school being called off.

I don't know what prompted me to post about all this...

Maybe it's because today it struck me again that sometimes the things we find most beautiful can also be dangerous, even deathly at times.  Man...

Maybe it's because strangely enough, I've felt called to pray for the safety of myself and my family members all week prior to today.  And not just a little.  And not having any idea why I felt it so strongly.

Or maybe it's because there's something to there being snow on the ground outside on a night after 11 pm that makes me want to blog about whatever's on my mind...

Hibernation, indeed.

Things here are good.  I'm over-satiated with students.  14 + 1 adult.  Full is full... is full indeed.  But I love them all and somehow knew that there would be little rest for the near-weary this semester.  The winter/spring semester is always so insane.  So I buckle down and set to the work God has blessed me with and hope I don't die along the way.  And I'm gaining a better vision for what I want to do long-term over the course of the next 5-10 years professionally, which is something I never would've really envisioned (not that it's anything much different than what I'm doing now) but completely makes sense... clearer, if you will.  The ultimate goal will be a while in coming, but kind of like running... you have to start now to get anywhere long-term.  And maybe that is what is much clearer.  I have trouble starting if I'm not sure of the bigger picture.  I always experienced this in college when writing my research.  Everything needs time to ferment, or in my mind it does, at least.  All those adults out there who will tell you that experience is invaluable and it takes time (like, lots of time) to develop yourself, both as a person and a professional... hate to say it, but they're so incredibly beyond right, it's just not even funny :)

And tonight I made grilled cheese with gluten-free bread and cranberry-orange goat cheese.  Yum just doesn't even come close.

The choirs at Lutheran High are working on a really beautiful arrangement of The Beatles' "Blackbird."  It is so stinkin' great.  My only regret is that it's a cappella.  So they only need me for it as a rehearsal accompanist.  But the score is great and it gets in my head and stays forever and I am completely fine with that.  It kind of reminds me of winter, actually.

Anyway, I'm out of chamomile tea...

... from my den to yours, good night :)

beethoven: good for what ails you...

Think I've successfully scared off the male roommate who never paid any attention to me at first and then started slathering it on recently.

It didn't take much:  some purposeful activity around the house in heels, my favorite I hate the world look stamped across my forehead, and a little Beethoven Piano Concerto No. 5 blasting from the speakers in my room.

Success.  Call me what you want.  Maybe he'll leave me alone for a while... 

(... there's a line, you know.  And I'm not going to put up with it being crossed.  For some reason, he just doesn't understand being friends... nor that he's exactly what I'm not looking for... )

... and a good thing he left before the second movement.  It's too stunning to be shared with anyone who doesn't know you exceptionally well.

home

Tonight I had the pleasure of going out with one of my dear girlfriends... to be more specific, a fellow single friend.  We had a lovely time.  These days I almost always have a lovely time when I go out, since I never do so anymore.  But as we were getting ready to leave the conversation turned more serious... specifically to the issue of belonging, especially when you're a single woman over a certain age.  Sometimes I have just the right thing to say about some issues.  Tonight I did not.  But I thought a lot about what she said on the way home.  And if I were to write her a note explaining what I thought about, it would go something like this (probably complete with bullet points, since I'm still organizing my thoughts):

1. I so get it.  And yet I don't.  And that, my sweet friend, is the overarching point I'm going to make here...
2. After you reach a certain age / point as a single person, it's hard to feel like you belong to anyone or anything or anywhere anymore.  You don't really belong with your family.  You don't belong with your students.  You don't belong with your friends, even if they seem closer than family.  You're your own entity, not cleaved with anyone but yourself.  And Christ.
3. And that is the point.  And it's not like you're looking to be a nun or go into celibacy for the rest of your life.  This isn't like that.
4. It's because for some weird (and painful) reason that you don't understand, you're better off with him and him alone than anyone else right now.  And only he knows how long right now should and will be.
5. And nobody else gets it.
6. And not that I have it all figured out by any stretch of the imagination, but it seems to me that that is also the point.  Nobody else is ever going to get it completely.  They might come close... damn close.  But no one person is ever going to get it (it being all that encompasses the definition of you) on this side of glory.  People are people.  It's too much to expect one person to understand everything, even when you're happily and wonderfully settled in a state of marital bliss.  At best, you'll be lucky to have someone who understands 90% or more.  At worst, you'll be with someone who ignores you completely because they don't understand you at all... or understands and refuses to enter in.  Not sure which is more painful.  The average seems to be that you'll find different realms of understanding amongst a variety of people who love you, even when you're married.
7. The only one who will ever completely get it on both sides of eternity... is Christ.  Not even you, because we both know that there are things about ourselves that we don't understand.  These you just grapple with, try to understand as best you can, be aware of your weaknesses, embrace them, and move on.
8. From what I can tell, it's the only hope you have for happiness at all whatsoever in this lifetime... is to cling to the one who actually does understand you and says you belong to him...
9. Dr. B always used to say that we have to validate ourselves, which I find to be mostly true, although harder I think, if you don't know the Lord.  But yes, you validate yourself as best you can.  But mostly you find your validation in Christ.  Because he's the only one with anything to say about who or what you are that has any kind of weight or substance in the light of eternity.
10. Oscar Wilde once said that "To live is the rarest thing in the world.  Most people exist, that is all."  In my experience, limited as it is, and for what it's worth... the only way you're going to find any life worth living -- the kind that goes beyond mere existence -- is in Christ.

Hang in there, my dear friend.  Fight through it.  You can't do it yourself.  You just have to want it... it being life in him.  And the Bible says that even the desire... well, he'll give that to you too.

I would also add this:  there is a kind of Christianity that is endless.  It's made up of a lot of... well, crap for lack of a better word.  But that's not what Jesus was offering when he said that if we drank from him, living waters would spring up from within us.  His Christianity is made up of you, being desperate... over and over again, coming to him with nothing, believing that you aren't going to get what you need from anyone or anything else.  You know you don't belong.  But he says you do.  And that's all that matters.  He is your home.

third in the series of us three

It's us!!  Christine posted this photo on facebook today and I couldn't resist putting it on my blog.

Taken at Christine's baby shower back in September (I think... maybe October?), from left to right is Halley, then Christine, then me.  There are several photos of the three of us running around, marking off different significant events, starting with the one from Halley's 21st birthday when we were all still in college, then Christine's wedding two years ago, then this one at her baby shower.  My only regret is that we didn't get one at Halley's wedding... she was a little pre-occupied that day though, as is usually the case for brides.

This photo is a significant one because we all started out four years ago in the same life stage as roommates together in Columbia.  And now, each of us is in a different stage of life:  Christine married with a baby, Halley married, and me still single.  What's even more amazing is that none of us has fallen off the face of the earth from the others just yet... it's the kind of thing that you could write a book about :)

lullaby for Christine's baby...

Hush , little bundle,
you tiny strange man.
Wiggle not while I
coo you, coddle you,
coax you to sleep.
Snuggle down deep,
let not your dogs'
kisses, glimpses,
sniffses start
your vain attempts to
fight off dreams.
Cease fussing, you
tiny, tired boy.
And though I can't
make you laugh yet,
I'll hold you
til you cry
no more.

1.4.12  kbs

tippett

Was reminded of this piece tonight for some reason, although I can't remember what it was that provoked its thought for the life of me.  This is the first of the negro spirituals taken from Michael Tippett's A Child of Our Time, an oratorio written by the English composer in response to the Nazi attacks on Jews in Germany in 1938.  Tippett incorporated five African-American spirituals throughout the three parts of the oratorio, which act much in the same manner as the chorales found in the cantatas and larger choral works of J.S. Bach.  These chorales (or in this case, spirituals) allow for summary of the emotions and provide group commentary on all that has passed musically up to that point within the larger work.

The first spiritual from the oratorio, Steal Away, is found at the end of Part I, which contemplates the state of oppression found in society when A Child of Our Time was written between 1939 and 1941.

We did this in college, thanks to my dear friend James.  It. is. stunning.

I'd sing it again every year for the rest of my life if I could.

I hope this new year finds you at home, wherever or with whomever that is for you, even in the midst of hardship or heartache.