This afternoon I saw the new version of the movie, "True Grit" with Jeff Bridges. Aside from being much more realistic than the 1968 John Wayne version, the essence and tone of this movie struck a chord with me, hitting on an element that I suspect resounds strongly with many Americans: the spirit of tenacity. Thinking back on the movie throughout the course of the evening has brought a number of images and scenes (and thoughts) to mind. Maddie, the young girl in the movie, whose core desire is to avenge the death of her father, is nothing short of absolutely hard as nails. Nothing seems to phase her. SPOILER: Even when she gets bit by a rattlesnake towards the end of the movie, for being a 14-yr-old girl, she seems to take it in beautiful stride. I think what really sealed the deal for me was seeing her in the end, as a grown woman with only one functional arm, still hard as nails, though a little more mellowed. This is not the same Maddie that I grew up with in the John Wayne version of True Grit. In the 1968 version, John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn defined what "true grit" really meant. Today, Maddie's character is the one who defines "true grit."
And I have to say that as a young woman, it's completely empowering. I see a lot of myself in her. Maybe not in the cross-a-river on a horse or shoot-a-man-in-his-side kind of way, but that spirit of tenacity... yeah, I grew up with that. A gift from my dad, a man with similarities to the old Marshall himself. And I don't care who you are, but if you spend your childhood growing up in a rural area, you gain a certain amount of true grit whether you want it or not. Thinking back on my childhood, of course I had dreams of being a princess and the first female president of the United States. But they were tempered by other dreams of make-believe... when I think back to the games of pretend that I used to play with the other neighbor kids, they weren't spent make-believing I was a princess or a damsel in distress. They were spent pretending to be a cowgirl. Or a horsegirl. Or a horse even. Don't ask me how or why... we didn't own horses. But we knew people that did and somehow we caught the spirit of freedom and independence that comes with those images of rural life, open ranges, gravel roads, horses, and girls like Maddie who are hard as nails. I caught that spirit.
We moved off our small three-acre property located down two miles of gravel road five miles outside of town when I was a senior in high school. I remember being devastated, hating to leave what felt like my connection to nature and the "wild frontier." I was angry with my father for months. And these days I no longer just live in "town" but a real city, as a grown-up no longer playing pretend. I have found that there are some things these "city folk" have never heard of (like putting sand in the back of your vehicle when cold weather hits) and some things they simply will never understand (like filling gallon jugs with water if the forecast calls for an ice storm). In many ways, I'm an anomaly of acculturation. But despite my classy education in the fields of music research, performance, and teaching, that raw spirit of cowgirl tenacity remains... I would never make it as a self-employed pianist in the wild without it. In some ways, I suppose I still play pretend... or maybe these days it's called willpower (?). The boundary lines between the two are easily skewed in my mind.
Tonight as I reflect back on all this and the role that "true grit" has played in my life (and is still playing in my life), I like to think that I have the tenacity to look 2011 square in the eyes, cock my head, and give him a long, hard look... "What business do you have with me, sir?"
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
resolutions
Today is a work day. Right now, I'm still at my parents' house in our tiny snow-covered town (been here since the day before Christmas Eve), working with meine Mutter today to get a bunch of year-end stuff done. Literally, there are three computers up and running right now, accomplishing a number of different goals. To give you an idea of the scenario, I will tell you this, dear Reader: I'm blogging between printing reports for her, the dog is on my lap trying to get her fair share of attention amidst the craziness, and it's proving quite difficult to think since Mom is on the phone with a client across the desk from me. Whew. But I wanted to post this while I was thinking about it and the thoughts escaped me... that being thoughts of New Year's resolutions.
So far the list includes the following:
1. Investments. This is an area in which I really need to start making progress immediately. Retirement will come all too soon. A little bit each month will add up eventually and a little is way better than nothing. I'm thinking bonds or an IRA. But something.
2. Quickbooks / Accounting. I'm self-employed. And thank God my business is expanding enough to actually have to enter stuff into an accounting program. But I need to get on it or it's all gonna pile up... all of a sudden, it'll be June and I'll be looking at 6 months' worth of input. Oy.
3. Summer Classes / Plans. I need to put plans into place for what I'm going to do this summer. I'm thinking of offering some group music classes for my students and anyone else that might be interested... maybe 2 or 3 different sections. My accompanying contract with Lutheran will end in May and you know, I need to eat and pay rent. So I'm thinking some 5-week group classes might be the answer. I need to have this figured out no later than March 1.
4. Fall Classes. This fall I'd like to be able to teach through the Learning Center in St. Peters, such as some music history or music theory classes for homeschoolers looking to take a structured fine arts credit. So I need to get some things in order for that asap, since those teaching slots fill up quick.
5. Running. I will run a 5k this year. Maybe two if my schedule allows. Maybe a 10k if I make some significant progress as far as distance is concerned. But at least one 5k, an extremely reasonable and realistic goal.
6. Piano / Professional Development. It's my intended goal to study all of the Bach Inventions and Sinfonia this year with Professor Burkhart, as well as several of the Beethoven Bagatelles (hopefully all of Op. 126?) in addition to some bigger pieces to prepare for grad auditions in the next year or so.
7. Church / Community. Especially male community, although female community is really important as well. The goal is to join a church, find three good guy friends, and three new good girlfriends in the St. Louis area by the end of the year. Seems ambitious but you sorta have to be that way when there's a drought.
8. Food. Starting this past weekend, the gluten has to go. Or at least, as much as possible. Along with as much sugar as possible. I'm renewing my commitment.
9. Health / Dental. If I have to pay for my own medical and dental bills, I'm determined to be as pro-active in preventive health as possible. This means eating well (see resolution 8), taking vitamins regularly, and keeping my mouth in good shape. A little bit more at the grocery store will equal lower medical costs in the long-run.
10. Bible Study. I'm gonna join one. It just needs to happen. ASAP. Enough said.
The list could go on and on but ten is more than enough for now. The rest will come along later.
So far the list includes the following:
1. Investments. This is an area in which I really need to start making progress immediately. Retirement will come all too soon. A little bit each month will add up eventually and a little is way better than nothing. I'm thinking bonds or an IRA. But something.
2. Quickbooks / Accounting. I'm self-employed. And thank God my business is expanding enough to actually have to enter stuff into an accounting program. But I need to get on it or it's all gonna pile up... all of a sudden, it'll be June and I'll be looking at 6 months' worth of input. Oy.
3. Summer Classes / Plans. I need to put plans into place for what I'm going to do this summer. I'm thinking of offering some group music classes for my students and anyone else that might be interested... maybe 2 or 3 different sections. My accompanying contract with Lutheran will end in May and you know, I need to eat and pay rent. So I'm thinking some 5-week group classes might be the answer. I need to have this figured out no later than March 1.
4. Fall Classes. This fall I'd like to be able to teach through the Learning Center in St. Peters, such as some music history or music theory classes for homeschoolers looking to take a structured fine arts credit. So I need to get some things in order for that asap, since those teaching slots fill up quick.
5. Running. I will run a 5k this year. Maybe two if my schedule allows. Maybe a 10k if I make some significant progress as far as distance is concerned. But at least one 5k, an extremely reasonable and realistic goal.
6. Piano / Professional Development. It's my intended goal to study all of the Bach Inventions and Sinfonia this year with Professor Burkhart, as well as several of the Beethoven Bagatelles (hopefully all of Op. 126?) in addition to some bigger pieces to prepare for grad auditions in the next year or so.
7. Church / Community. Especially male community, although female community is really important as well. The goal is to join a church, find three good guy friends, and three new good girlfriends in the St. Louis area by the end of the year. Seems ambitious but you sorta have to be that way when there's a drought.
8. Food. Starting this past weekend, the gluten has to go. Or at least, as much as possible. Along with as much sugar as possible. I'm renewing my commitment.
9. Health / Dental. If I have to pay for my own medical and dental bills, I'm determined to be as pro-active in preventive health as possible. This means eating well (see resolution 8), taking vitamins regularly, and keeping my mouth in good shape. A little bit more at the grocery store will equal lower medical costs in the long-run.
10. Bible Study. I'm gonna join one. It just needs to happen. ASAP. Enough said.
The list could go on and on but ten is more than enough for now. The rest will come along later.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
new drifter in town
I finally realized I can add photos to my blog... and links as well. This may completely revolutionize my blogging habits from here on out :) Pictures are of me, mom, and my sister, Allie. And the new drifter in town, conveniently very handsome and extremely available... for a few hours at least lol.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
with
This morning, Reader, I write to you from my new kitchen in Webster Groves. Yes, we got moved in. Yes, it was an ordeal, albeit a smooth and successful ordeal... still an ordeal, nonetheless. Despite having spent the entire week leading up to the move in a lethargic wasteland of coffee, hot chocolate, New York Times crossword puzzles, 3-mile runs, pumpkin muffins, and whatever else I could think of to soothe my stress levels, motivation finally came for me the Friday morning after Thanksgiving. I started working / packing / cleaning at 10 am and didn't stop until Sunday evening when the whole thing was over and done with. Just to clarify, this means I spent all of Friday packing, all of Saturday moving, and all of Sunday cleaning the old apartment. And to make matters even more spectacular, we didn't have heat in our new place Saturday night. Amazing how 54 degrees outside feels relatively ok vs 54 degrees inside, which feels like an arctic igloo. But the heat got fixed Sunday morning and we were thankful pilgrims in our new world... until Monday morning when I killed a wood roach / ginormous water-bug-looking creature the size of a small child. Not to mention that the hot water here has a habit of running out after about 5 mins in the shower. Needless to say, there are still a few kinks the landlord needs to look into but overall, renter's remorse isn't really an issue... not yet, anyway. For the most part, Halley and I are nested in our new place, complete with Christmas decorations and the ficus I kidnapped from my parents' house, which is functioning as our little Charlie Brown Christmas tree this year. There are in fact lots of virtues to our unceremonious move, like being able to shave 10-15 mins off my commute out to Lutheran three times a week, being closer to nearly all of our friends, reduced traffic since we're not actually living in the city anymore, and an apartment that keeps us warm and will (hopefully) be more cost-efficient this winter than the one in Tower Grove would've been... fingers crossed. So far, it's been much better here, despite the cold snap we've had lately.
And can I just say that God has been so faithful in all of this? He really has. Somehow, as a piano teacher who just moved here in the last five months, I've acquired 11 private students and steady accompanying work. Not only that, but I expect another student in January as well. I will soon be at capacity. The other night when I was stressed about finances and what feels like another tight month because of the move, the thought occurred to me that I'm the one who makes this machine work... that I make my own bread and butter. And although this may be true to some extent, there's a lot more to be said for a God who's faithfully providing the work opportunities. Turns out I'm actually not running this machine at all. The other day I read an article in the New York Times about unemployment rates in the US... a seriously sad article over the state of affairs in this country's economic situation. Let me be the first to say that I am so thankful for the work he's given me.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about contentment again, particularly with regard to my current single status. I feel like I vacillate back and forth a lot between wanting to kill the desire to be in a relationship altogether and making it the focus of my thoughts... either way it becomes an idol in my mind and robs me of the contentedness I could have. Sunday I went to see my counselor and we spent a lot of our session talking about this... let's be honest, this is one of the biggest ways God's been working in my life right now to draw me to him. And to be even more honest, I've been kicking and screaming about it the entire way. There's a lot of comfort though, in knowing that I don't have to kill the desire completely, nor do I have to just make myself be ok with the situation or pretend to like where I'm at. The desire is completely good and valid. But God doesn't just exist to oversee the fulfillment of our unmet desires... he won't sacrifice our faith in him so we can lose ourselves in our pleasures. I've been grieving a lot this semester (now that I actually have time for that)... grieving the loss of many things in my past, as well as their current absence. Lynn says that what I'm dealing with now, the grieving of delayed fulfillment of a long-held desire could be one of the hardest parts of the process -- recognizing the desire and submitting it (not killing it) to God and his perfect timing. She says it will feel like death... dying to self always feels like death. So in some sense, I've been in the way of my own contentedness all along. And in all honesty, the contentedness is what I've been wanting more than anything. I experienced it last spring for about 4-5 months and it was bliss. And I feel like I've been trying to get back to that state ever since.
"Katie, no one... no man can ever touch the wounds you have in the way that you want them to. No person has that salve, no one can give you the fulfillment you're looking for except Christ."
And I think the church twists this idea a lot... we make it into the jacked-up version of thinking where we expect singles to make God into their wife or husband, or say that we as humans can exist as islands without the benefit of human interaction and community, which just simply isn't true. But being in a relationship to be happy, healed, content, and fulfilled? It's just not going to happen. Humans can't help us the way we want them to... the way we hope they will.
I am the woman at the well. We all are.
Jesus answered [her], "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but those who drink the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." ... The woman said, "I know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us." Then Jesus declared, "I, the one speaking to you -- I am he." John 4: 13-14, 25-26
During this Christmas season, may God reveal himself to you, Reader. May you feel the joy of contentedness in submitting all your desires (met and unmet) to him. May you feel the comfort of his presence in your life. He is called Immanuel, God with us. For he was one of us and his scars are our scars. And he came to save his people... from their sins, from themselves, from their desire to find fulfillment in everything else in this world but himself. Thank God someone stronger than us has spoken on our behalf. He is our salvation, if we would but allow our hearts to be turned toward him.
And can I just say that God has been so faithful in all of this? He really has. Somehow, as a piano teacher who just moved here in the last five months, I've acquired 11 private students and steady accompanying work. Not only that, but I expect another student in January as well. I will soon be at capacity. The other night when I was stressed about finances and what feels like another tight month because of the move, the thought occurred to me that I'm the one who makes this machine work... that I make my own bread and butter. And although this may be true to some extent, there's a lot more to be said for a God who's faithfully providing the work opportunities. Turns out I'm actually not running this machine at all. The other day I read an article in the New York Times about unemployment rates in the US... a seriously sad article over the state of affairs in this country's economic situation. Let me be the first to say that I am so thankful for the work he's given me.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about contentment again, particularly with regard to my current single status. I feel like I vacillate back and forth a lot between wanting to kill the desire to be in a relationship altogether and making it the focus of my thoughts... either way it becomes an idol in my mind and robs me of the contentedness I could have. Sunday I went to see my counselor and we spent a lot of our session talking about this... let's be honest, this is one of the biggest ways God's been working in my life right now to draw me to him. And to be even more honest, I've been kicking and screaming about it the entire way. There's a lot of comfort though, in knowing that I don't have to kill the desire completely, nor do I have to just make myself be ok with the situation or pretend to like where I'm at. The desire is completely good and valid. But God doesn't just exist to oversee the fulfillment of our unmet desires... he won't sacrifice our faith in him so we can lose ourselves in our pleasures. I've been grieving a lot this semester (now that I actually have time for that)... grieving the loss of many things in my past, as well as their current absence. Lynn says that what I'm dealing with now, the grieving of delayed fulfillment of a long-held desire could be one of the hardest parts of the process -- recognizing the desire and submitting it (not killing it) to God and his perfect timing. She says it will feel like death... dying to self always feels like death. So in some sense, I've been in the way of my own contentedness all along. And in all honesty, the contentedness is what I've been wanting more than anything. I experienced it last spring for about 4-5 months and it was bliss. And I feel like I've been trying to get back to that state ever since.
"Katie, no one... no man can ever touch the wounds you have in the way that you want them to. No person has that salve, no one can give you the fulfillment you're looking for except Christ."
And I think the church twists this idea a lot... we make it into the jacked-up version of thinking where we expect singles to make God into their wife or husband, or say that we as humans can exist as islands without the benefit of human interaction and community, which just simply isn't true. But being in a relationship to be happy, healed, content, and fulfilled? It's just not going to happen. Humans can't help us the way we want them to... the way we hope they will.
I am the woman at the well. We all are.
Jesus answered [her], "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but those who drink the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." ... The woman said, "I know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us." Then Jesus declared, "I, the one speaking to you -- I am he." John 4: 13-14, 25-26
During this Christmas season, may God reveal himself to you, Reader. May you feel the joy of contentedness in submitting all your desires (met and unmet) to him. May you feel the comfort of his presence in your life. He is called Immanuel, God with us. For he was one of us and his scars are our scars. And he came to save his people... from their sins, from themselves, from their desire to find fulfillment in everything else in this world but himself. Thank God someone stronger than us has spoken on our behalf. He is our salvation, if we would but allow our hearts to be turned toward him.
Monday, November 22, 2010
halley
My roommate Halley very recently wrote a fantastic blog post entitled "Losing My Life." It resonated very deeply with me as I continue in my journey to adulthood... this leaving and cleaving business is so very, very hard. I assure you, her post is well worth your time.
Copy and paste the link below into your browser to access her blog: (it's the Nov 17 entry)
http://wisewomanhalley.livejournal.com/
Copy and paste the link below into your browser to access her blog: (it's the Nov 17 entry)
http://wisewomanhalley.livejournal.com/
the diatonic dittymunch
The Diatonic Dittymunch
plucked music from the air,
He swallowed scores of symphonies
and still had space to spare.
Sonatas and cantatas
slithered sweetly down his throat;
He made ballads into salads
and consumed them note by note.
He ate marches and mazurkas,
he ate rhapsodies and reels,
Minuets and tarantellas
were the staples of his meals.
But the Diatonic Dittymunch
outdid himself one day:
He ate a three-act opera --
and LOUDLY passed away.
-- Jack Prelutsky
plucked music from the air,
He swallowed scores of symphonies
and still had space to spare.
Sonatas and cantatas
slithered sweetly down his throat;
He made ballads into salads
and consumed them note by note.
He ate marches and mazurkas,
he ate rhapsodies and reels,
Minuets and tarantellas
were the staples of his meals.
But the Diatonic Dittymunch
outdid himself one day:
He ate a three-act opera --
and LOUDLY passed away.
-- Jack Prelutsky
Thursday, November 18, 2010
American Excess: Imagine Thanksgiving Without It
Seriously powerful article from NPR: "We have built a world based on mindless consumption, premised on fantasies of endless abundance, all of which have been subsidized by vulnerable people around the world..."
Copy and paste the link below into your browser to view the full article:
http://www.npr.org/2010/11/12/131265342/american-excess-imagine-thanksgiving-without-it
Copy and paste the link below into your browser to view the full article:
http://www.npr.org/2010/11/12/131265342/american-excess-imagine-thanksgiving-without-it
Saturday, November 13, 2010
cleaving
Tonight I have very few words. Well, I'm starting out that way at least... I'm lost in thought... thoughts about how I really feel about my current situation. I think I've been repressing things for a while now in the hopes that I can speak positively to myself and stave off negativity...
Can I just say that at this time in my life I feel like nobody is there to take care of me? I recently nannied for a friend from Mizzou who now has a 5-month-old. She's married and is doing what she loves professionally and is completely happy, supported both emotionally and financially by a husband who loves her dearly. And Halley too... Halley is desperately in love with a guy who supports her emotionally and wants to marry her before next October (sooner if they can get away with it, I think). So I've been thinking about all this recently and my overriding thought is this: "Hmm, must be nice." To feel so loved and supported by another person, that is...
This is not to diminish the role my family plays. But in the process of becoming an adult, there's a certain amount of "leaving" that takes place. And if there's nobody to "cleave" to, it all of sudden feels very disorienting. I realize this is the normal process for young Americans. But there's something inside me that screams out at the injustice of suddenly feeling lost and on my own. And maybe this is just me tonight, mourning a number of different things... hard things that have happened in my personal life recently, particularly in my family and with different males. The process seems to be circular in nature: wrong guy, family crap, wrong guy, family crap... which probably sounds really whiny and petty to you, dear Reader. But whenever I feel the need to defend my feelings, I always go back to what Beth Moore says: if you felt it, then it means something. Tonight I feel the lament quite deeply. End defense. This is my story, not yours.
This is not about the desire to be married in the next 6-8 months, or even a year from now. This is about the feelings of displacement and disillusionment that come with being on your own. Right now I feel like I'm cleaving to... no one. Except the Lord, that is. And there are days when even that is questionable.
And maybe, just maybe, if nothing happens outside of God's will, then maybe I'm right where he wants me: sad and angry about so many different things... so aware of my need for him, ...depending on him not only for my emotional well-being but for my very survival in this world right now...
This summer I read a book called "The Talent Code" by Daniel Coyle, which, by the way, is a fantastic book. In it, Coyle talks about how human skill is cultivated... the brain mechanism by which it is derived, if you will. He discusses world-class expertise and how it is developed in human beings. In one part he mentions that many world-class experts, particularly the ones who are most famous (aka who became the best of the best... the ones you've heard of, whose names are household idioms) had a common motivational fire under their butt, driving them towards their success: the loss of a parent at a young age.
I do not claim to be a world-class expert or even someone who is on my way to becoming a world-class expert. I just claim to be a girl who's recently had the experience of understanding exactly what it feels like to all of a sudden feel like nobody's there to take care of you anymore... that you've gotta make it on your own somehow in this world. And maybe I need to just give that the weight it deserves... I think I keep dismissing it in my mind as something that's not important and something I need to just get over and move on from. But what I really need more than anything is to be healed from my past hurts... maybe sometimes in order to do that though, you have to recognize where you're at and work backward?
In one of my most recent counseling sessions, I spoke with Lynn about how I feel like I have no one to work through my problems with anymore, aside from her and occasionally Halley. And of course that's obviously the entire point of where I'm at: God isn't going to just let my faith disappear in the pleasures of what I think I want... not when he himself is enough. He gives us what we actually want and need when it is good for us. It's all of a sudden a deeper trust I'm learning... I have a God who has promised to be my counselor. And not just in a feel-good about myself, fit-my-specific problems and worldview kind of way, but in a "for reasons that you don't understand, beloved, I want you at the throne daily with not just your requests for providence and wisdom and deeper understanding of scripture, but bringing me your mourning and laments and hurts -- past, present, and future -- that scream out for healing now" kind of way.
The book of Romans assures me on multiple occasions that I'm united with Christ by his death and resurrection... He is the one I can cleave to wholeheartedly.
Can I just say that at this time in my life I feel like nobody is there to take care of me? I recently nannied for a friend from Mizzou who now has a 5-month-old. She's married and is doing what she loves professionally and is completely happy, supported both emotionally and financially by a husband who loves her dearly. And Halley too... Halley is desperately in love with a guy who supports her emotionally and wants to marry her before next October (sooner if they can get away with it, I think). So I've been thinking about all this recently and my overriding thought is this: "Hmm, must be nice." To feel so loved and supported by another person, that is...
This is not to diminish the role my family plays. But in the process of becoming an adult, there's a certain amount of "leaving" that takes place. And if there's nobody to "cleave" to, it all of sudden feels very disorienting. I realize this is the normal process for young Americans. But there's something inside me that screams out at the injustice of suddenly feeling lost and on my own. And maybe this is just me tonight, mourning a number of different things... hard things that have happened in my personal life recently, particularly in my family and with different males. The process seems to be circular in nature: wrong guy, family crap, wrong guy, family crap... which probably sounds really whiny and petty to you, dear Reader. But whenever I feel the need to defend my feelings, I always go back to what Beth Moore says: if you felt it, then it means something. Tonight I feel the lament quite deeply. End defense. This is my story, not yours.
This is not about the desire to be married in the next 6-8 months, or even a year from now. This is about the feelings of displacement and disillusionment that come with being on your own. Right now I feel like I'm cleaving to... no one. Except the Lord, that is. And there are days when even that is questionable.
And maybe, just maybe, if nothing happens outside of God's will, then maybe I'm right where he wants me: sad and angry about so many different things... so aware of my need for him, ...depending on him not only for my emotional well-being but for my very survival in this world right now...
This summer I read a book called "The Talent Code" by Daniel Coyle, which, by the way, is a fantastic book. In it, Coyle talks about how human skill is cultivated... the brain mechanism by which it is derived, if you will. He discusses world-class expertise and how it is developed in human beings. In one part he mentions that many world-class experts, particularly the ones who are most famous (aka who became the best of the best... the ones you've heard of, whose names are household idioms) had a common motivational fire under their butt, driving them towards their success: the loss of a parent at a young age.
I do not claim to be a world-class expert or even someone who is on my way to becoming a world-class expert. I just claim to be a girl who's recently had the experience of understanding exactly what it feels like to all of a sudden feel like nobody's there to take care of you anymore... that you've gotta make it on your own somehow in this world. And maybe I need to just give that the weight it deserves... I think I keep dismissing it in my mind as something that's not important and something I need to just get over and move on from. But what I really need more than anything is to be healed from my past hurts... maybe sometimes in order to do that though, you have to recognize where you're at and work backward?
In one of my most recent counseling sessions, I spoke with Lynn about how I feel like I have no one to work through my problems with anymore, aside from her and occasionally Halley. And of course that's obviously the entire point of where I'm at: God isn't going to just let my faith disappear in the pleasures of what I think I want... not when he himself is enough. He gives us what we actually want and need when it is good for us. It's all of a sudden a deeper trust I'm learning... I have a God who has promised to be my counselor. And not just in a feel-good about myself, fit-my-specific problems and worldview kind of way, but in a "for reasons that you don't understand, beloved, I want you at the throne daily with not just your requests for providence and wisdom and deeper understanding of scripture, but bringing me your mourning and laments and hurts -- past, present, and future -- that scream out for healing now" kind of way.
The book of Romans assures me on multiple occasions that I'm united with Christ by his death and resurrection... He is the one I can cleave to wholeheartedly.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
grace
Good morning, Reader. Today is a day off. So much has happened recently... allow me to elaborate:
We have to move. Our landlord basically decided he wanted to live in our apartment to "manage the building better," which might be true but, after being fed this excuse for a few weeks, we later found out from our neighbor downstairs that he's had his eye on our specific apartment for a while and now that he's getting a divorce and our lease is expiring, the time has come for us to get the boot. Can I just say that we JUST moved in here?? We JUST GOT HERE! We JUST moved the piano in here! And now we have to move it all out again by the end of the month. So, so frustrating, particularly because the process of finding a new place and packing up has suddenly become THE thing that is sucking up all my time and money. Ugh, I try not to be too frustrated about the whole issue but you know, when you're the one directly affected by someone else's selfish decisions, it's hard not to be a little burned up inside.
We did find a place in Webster Groves... I know, right? We're moving from Tower Grove to Webster Groves. From Grove to Groves lol. And it hopefully will be for the best in the long run because our apartment here is already freezing and it's only November. Our bills this winter would be insane if we actually wanted to stay warm. Supposedly the apartment in Webster has really low utilities because it's a loft situated over a downstairs business, which will be great when there's six inches of snow outside and the Ameren bill comes. And moving to Webster will shave off about 10 mins of my commute out to Lutheran three days a week, which will be fantastic. So there are a lot of positives... it just sucks right now.
In the midst of all this, God is so good. I now have 10 students with another 2 potentials on the way and my Wednesday student is going to bump up to hour-lessons next month. Because when you start going over with your students on a regular basis, then they either need to bump up their time so you can be adequately compensated... or you just need to be firm about cutting things off when their time is up each week. I actually need to have this conversation with at least two of my other families who I've been going over with in lessons consistently now since the beginning of the semester. And I have Halley to thank for helping me be a brave and shrewd businesswoman: she's the one who told me to stop treating it like such a delicate situation, man up, and tell people what I want. Because if you act like it's a delicate situation, then people feel they have the right to walk all over you. But if you just own it and speak up and mean what you say, then even if your kids' parents say they want to keep the same lesson length, then at least you know you need to change something.
And the church I've been going to recently has been so good for my heart. It's been really difficult the last two months for me to be consistent on Sunday mornings, given that I still go see my counselor in Columbia once a month on a Sunday morning and am required to play for the Lutheran HS concert choir once a month at the different Lutheran churches around the St. Charles area. So that's two Sunday mornings a month gone. But the last month or so I've been going to what basically amounts to a church within a church at Central Presbyterian. They call themselves Trio and they meet on Sunday evenings in the basement of Central. The music is great (more of a relaxed jazz combo style of revamped Presbyterian hymns), they incorporate liturgical elements into the service, the teaching is fantastic, and I can wear jeans without feeling like I've violated some unwritten dress code. It is quite possibly one of the best and most wonderful things that has happened to me since coming to St. Louis. I feel like I've found a miniature version of the Crossing, which is huge because it was something I was really worried about when leaving Columbia (cue flashback thought to July: "What am I gonna do?? I'm never going to find a church remotely like this again...").
For instance, one thing I've really struggled with lately is anger... anger toward my parents over stuff in the past, as well as stuff in the present... anger with this guy that things didn't work out with recently... just a lot of anger in general (cue flashback conversation with Halley: "... at this point Hal, I'm just trying to figure out who I'm not angry with"). And one Sunday evening a couple of weeks ago I went to Trio struggling with all of this and of course, they were going to have communion at the end of the service and I sat there remembering a sermon I'd heard weeks before at a different church about taking the Lord's Supper in an unworthy manner... like if you have anger in your heart towards a fellow believer... or in my case, fellow believers. And then the pastor started talking about the Lord's Supper and how it's symbolic of Christ offering himself to us. And then I realized that this was the first time in my life I'd ever taken communion with the awareness that I would be taking it in what I felt to be an unworthy manner... but that somehow it was ok because that was the entire point of the cross in the first place: that we bring all our struggles to him... all of our anxieties (and in this case my anger) to him and groan something within to the effect of "I know that I'm struggling with this but I've heard that you, God, are a God who offers yourself and your presence to us anyway and so I'm going to choose to take you at your word." It's a powerful realization right before you're about to take communion. And although this sounds cliche, when you've been hit afresh with grace recently in a meaningful way, you realize again that what's even more beautiful is that he offers this to us daily, if we would only come to him and his word, being real with both ourselves and him... putting away all pretense and take from him what he freely gives, which is himself. What a savior.
We have to move. Our landlord basically decided he wanted to live in our apartment to "manage the building better," which might be true but, after being fed this excuse for a few weeks, we later found out from our neighbor downstairs that he's had his eye on our specific apartment for a while and now that he's getting a divorce and our lease is expiring, the time has come for us to get the boot. Can I just say that we JUST moved in here?? We JUST GOT HERE! We JUST moved the piano in here! And now we have to move it all out again by the end of the month. So, so frustrating, particularly because the process of finding a new place and packing up has suddenly become THE thing that is sucking up all my time and money. Ugh, I try not to be too frustrated about the whole issue but you know, when you're the one directly affected by someone else's selfish decisions, it's hard not to be a little burned up inside.
We did find a place in Webster Groves... I know, right? We're moving from Tower Grove to Webster Groves. From Grove to Groves lol. And it hopefully will be for the best in the long run because our apartment here is already freezing and it's only November. Our bills this winter would be insane if we actually wanted to stay warm. Supposedly the apartment in Webster has really low utilities because it's a loft situated over a downstairs business, which will be great when there's six inches of snow outside and the Ameren bill comes. And moving to Webster will shave off about 10 mins of my commute out to Lutheran three days a week, which will be fantastic. So there are a lot of positives... it just sucks right now.
In the midst of all this, God is so good. I now have 10 students with another 2 potentials on the way and my Wednesday student is going to bump up to hour-lessons next month. Because when you start going over with your students on a regular basis, then they either need to bump up their time so you can be adequately compensated... or you just need to be firm about cutting things off when their time is up each week. I actually need to have this conversation with at least two of my other families who I've been going over with in lessons consistently now since the beginning of the semester. And I have Halley to thank for helping me be a brave and shrewd businesswoman: she's the one who told me to stop treating it like such a delicate situation, man up, and tell people what I want. Because if you act like it's a delicate situation, then people feel they have the right to walk all over you. But if you just own it and speak up and mean what you say, then even if your kids' parents say they want to keep the same lesson length, then at least you know you need to change something.
And the church I've been going to recently has been so good for my heart. It's been really difficult the last two months for me to be consistent on Sunday mornings, given that I still go see my counselor in Columbia once a month on a Sunday morning and am required to play for the Lutheran HS concert choir once a month at the different Lutheran churches around the St. Charles area. So that's two Sunday mornings a month gone. But the last month or so I've been going to what basically amounts to a church within a church at Central Presbyterian. They call themselves Trio and they meet on Sunday evenings in the basement of Central. The music is great (more of a relaxed jazz combo style of revamped Presbyterian hymns), they incorporate liturgical elements into the service, the teaching is fantastic, and I can wear jeans without feeling like I've violated some unwritten dress code. It is quite possibly one of the best and most wonderful things that has happened to me since coming to St. Louis. I feel like I've found a miniature version of the Crossing, which is huge because it was something I was really worried about when leaving Columbia (cue flashback thought to July: "What am I gonna do?? I'm never going to find a church remotely like this again...").
For instance, one thing I've really struggled with lately is anger... anger toward my parents over stuff in the past, as well as stuff in the present... anger with this guy that things didn't work out with recently... just a lot of anger in general (cue flashback conversation with Halley: "... at this point Hal, I'm just trying to figure out who I'm not angry with"). And one Sunday evening a couple of weeks ago I went to Trio struggling with all of this and of course, they were going to have communion at the end of the service and I sat there remembering a sermon I'd heard weeks before at a different church about taking the Lord's Supper in an unworthy manner... like if you have anger in your heart towards a fellow believer... or in my case, fellow believers. And then the pastor started talking about the Lord's Supper and how it's symbolic of Christ offering himself to us. And then I realized that this was the first time in my life I'd ever taken communion with the awareness that I would be taking it in what I felt to be an unworthy manner... but that somehow it was ok because that was the entire point of the cross in the first place: that we bring all our struggles to him... all of our anxieties (and in this case my anger) to him and groan something within to the effect of "I know that I'm struggling with this but I've heard that you, God, are a God who offers yourself and your presence to us anyway and so I'm going to choose to take you at your word." It's a powerful realization right before you're about to take communion. And although this sounds cliche, when you've been hit afresh with grace recently in a meaningful way, you realize again that what's even more beautiful is that he offers this to us daily, if we would only come to him and his word, being real with both ourselves and him... putting away all pretense and take from him what he freely gives, which is himself. What a savior.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
puzzles
I'm a huge fan of puzzles. And I'm not talking your average 12-piece Dora the Explorer ages 2 and up puzzles. I personally prefer something more in the range of 250-500 pieces. Because anything less is too easy and anything more is just ridiculous. I had half a mind this morning to drive out to my parents house to pick up one of theirs, since they seem to have a plethora of random puzzles given to them by a client several Christmases ago. But then I realized that driving 50 miles to pick up a puzzle seemed a bit extreme...
The reason for all of this though, is because this morning during my quiet time, I suddenly saw my life as a puzzle. There have been so many pieces that have come along throughout the years that I have thought something to the metaphorical effect of, "Ooooh! I know exactly where that one goes!!" and then have subsequently tried to jam that piece (whether it be a person, a situation, or a line of thought) into the spot I have ready for it, thinking the entire time, "If I can just put this piece here, everything will make so much more sense and then I'll be set and ready to go on, my life in perfect order... my puzzle figured out."
There are a couple of problems with this line of thinking, the first being that the puzzle will never be figured out... it's all an illusion. The enemy wants us to think that at some point in this life, our puzzles will be completely figured out and then we'll not only be filled with the knowledge of completed puzzles, but we'll also be completely happy and fulfilled because our puzzles will be in perfect order, sitting on the kitchen table for all to admire... which just isn't true at all... this is the same thinking that made Adam and Eve stumble in the Garden, longing to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge, of good and evil. And the Bible clearly says that no one can understand the mind of the Lord: His ways are higher than ours. Nevertheless our hearts long for the day when all understanding will be revealed, a longing that is completely understandable and expected, given that we were created this way... longing for Eden, longing for understanding, longing for fulfillment, for a perfect relationship with... someone, namely the Father. We only catch glimpses of them here on this earth... even as Christians with the presence of God given to us at all times through the Holy Spirit, we weep our way into eternity because we live in a fallen world. Alas, these things are lost and will not come into their fullness again until we walk with Him in eternity.
The second problem with the thoughts that often pervade the Land of the Puzzle Worldview is that there are so many times when we just want to cram pieces together that aren't supposed to go together at all. Rather than taking our pieces to the Lord and asking him if this is where that one goes or inviting him to help us figure out where to put the odd-shaped one, we say, "I know this is where this piece goes, God, and I sure hope you feel the same way because like it or not, I'm going to make this thing fit together... because this is the way I want it." Can I just say from experience that jammed puzzle pieces never work out the way you want them to or think they should? Never. It's just another illusion. You think that you ultimately know what can make you happy and how to achieve it, and to some extent that is true... like when you just absolutely know that the only thing to satisfy that PMS craving is ice cream. God has certainly given us a brain to figure out things in our everyday lives.
But as far as the big questions in life, there's really only one thing that fills the longing in our hearts and that's a relationship with him. If your walk with Him is truly a priority and you are seeking to live not superficially off the wisdom of others but deeply by the wisdom that comes through His word and the Holy Spirit in your heart, then the question of "How can I make these pieces fit together the way I want them to go?" suddenly disappears. You start asking questions like, "Hmm... God, is this the way you want these to go? Does this piece actually go over here rather than right here?" Interestingly enough, your desires are recalibrated, not more than they should be or less than they should be, but put in their right perspective. And then there's the element of surprise... the ride is only wild if you're not the one steering, which is definitely a hard thought to face in the midst of pain. But if we trust in a God who claims to be goodness itself, we can trust that the pain isn't just given out arbitrarily or because we've done something wrong, but because He loves and cares for us and desires our ultimate good. And as someone who's been through life surgery time and time again, I can honestly tell you from experience, Reader: We have a very gracious surgeon.
The reason for all of this though, is because this morning during my quiet time, I suddenly saw my life as a puzzle. There have been so many pieces that have come along throughout the years that I have thought something to the metaphorical effect of, "Ooooh! I know exactly where that one goes!!" and then have subsequently tried to jam that piece (whether it be a person, a situation, or a line of thought) into the spot I have ready for it, thinking the entire time, "If I can just put this piece here, everything will make so much more sense and then I'll be set and ready to go on, my life in perfect order... my puzzle figured out."
There are a couple of problems with this line of thinking, the first being that the puzzle will never be figured out... it's all an illusion. The enemy wants us to think that at some point in this life, our puzzles will be completely figured out and then we'll not only be filled with the knowledge of completed puzzles, but we'll also be completely happy and fulfilled because our puzzles will be in perfect order, sitting on the kitchen table for all to admire... which just isn't true at all... this is the same thinking that made Adam and Eve stumble in the Garden, longing to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge, of good and evil. And the Bible clearly says that no one can understand the mind of the Lord: His ways are higher than ours. Nevertheless our hearts long for the day when all understanding will be revealed, a longing that is completely understandable and expected, given that we were created this way... longing for Eden, longing for understanding, longing for fulfillment, for a perfect relationship with... someone, namely the Father. We only catch glimpses of them here on this earth... even as Christians with the presence of God given to us at all times through the Holy Spirit, we weep our way into eternity because we live in a fallen world. Alas, these things are lost and will not come into their fullness again until we walk with Him in eternity.
The second problem with the thoughts that often pervade the Land of the Puzzle Worldview is that there are so many times when we just want to cram pieces together that aren't supposed to go together at all. Rather than taking our pieces to the Lord and asking him if this is where that one goes or inviting him to help us figure out where to put the odd-shaped one, we say, "I know this is where this piece goes, God, and I sure hope you feel the same way because like it or not, I'm going to make this thing fit together... because this is the way I want it." Can I just say from experience that jammed puzzle pieces never work out the way you want them to or think they should? Never. It's just another illusion. You think that you ultimately know what can make you happy and how to achieve it, and to some extent that is true... like when you just absolutely know that the only thing to satisfy that PMS craving is ice cream. God has certainly given us a brain to figure out things in our everyday lives.
But as far as the big questions in life, there's really only one thing that fills the longing in our hearts and that's a relationship with him. If your walk with Him is truly a priority and you are seeking to live not superficially off the wisdom of others but deeply by the wisdom that comes through His word and the Holy Spirit in your heart, then the question of "How can I make these pieces fit together the way I want them to go?" suddenly disappears. You start asking questions like, "Hmm... God, is this the way you want these to go? Does this piece actually go over here rather than right here?" Interestingly enough, your desires are recalibrated, not more than they should be or less than they should be, but put in their right perspective. And then there's the element of surprise... the ride is only wild if you're not the one steering, which is definitely a hard thought to face in the midst of pain. But if we trust in a God who claims to be goodness itself, we can trust that the pain isn't just given out arbitrarily or because we've done something wrong, but because He loves and cares for us and desires our ultimate good. And as someone who's been through life surgery time and time again, I can honestly tell you from experience, Reader: We have a very gracious surgeon.
Monday, October 4, 2010
twinklings
Fall has come to St. Louis, Reader. There's a nip in the air and the leaves are starting to change colors... it's one of my favorite times of year: the time when trail sandal season meets puffy vest season and the two overlap... cold enough to wear a puffy vest but still warm enough to wear sandals. And tonight I have the unequivocal gratitude of a roommate with a tummy full of baked oatmeal. Perfect. I just love the change of seasons, especially fall. If I could paste the findings of a leaf-hunt around the edges of my blog, I would.
The state of affairs these days in my corner of the universe are, in a word, bittersweet. So many wonderful things have happened here recently. For one thing, the acquisition of more students... I have almost a full studio once again. God is so good... when it rains, it pours: what was just a month ago maybe 5 or 6 students has now grown to 9 with the potential for 2 or 3 more. And accompanying for LHS is fantastic... the director there is an absolute gem. I thoroughly enjoy being pushed and sharpened by her musicianship and have marveled time and again at her ability to extend grace on a continual basis... so refreshing! I like to think that I (hopefully) deal with my own students in the same manner... or will someday at least. And the break from school? Some days I just can't see myself going back for at least a few more years. It never ceases to amaze me how much I didn't realize I needed the sabbatical. Six years... and on the seventh she rested, right?
And maybe it's because my friend Edwina's birthday was yesterday, but tonight I miss her dearly. I think about how she sits underneath the same sky roughly 2000 miles to the west of me, struggling with calculus-based microeconomics and grading undergraduate essays. I think about the email she sent telling me how this is the first adult birthday she's experienced... the kind that goes by without a lot of hoopla. I try and think about what I could send her and wish that I could catch falling stars and put hugs and tears and memories in envelopes and that they would arrive intact with the full weight of all their original meaning. I think about five years' worth of conversations and just living life together... saying goodbye is so hard. Dr. Budds always half-jokingly, half-seriously said that, "Life is a series of adjustments." Truer words were indeed never spoken...
And I think about my family and all that we're going through together. It is not a fun time for us these days... I won't say much other than the fact that we need your prayers. Seems like each member is struggling with some form of growing pains in their own way, thus making it ever more difficult to relate to each other in a loving manner. The more I read in James, the more I'm convinced of my own incompetency and folly in relationships... "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry..."
And in the back of my mind, I hear those words again... slow to become angry. A passage from yesterday's sermon emerges:
"The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, 'The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness...'"
... such a hard thing to live out. And its so overwhelming when you're trying and failing to live it out amidst difficult relationships in your life... and then you realize this has been shown to you daily by a God who's loved you since... well, the beginning of time.
Overhead the stars twinkle. I think about Edwina. I think about my family. The music I'm working on swirls around in my head, mulling over itself again and again: slow, mournful, and unresolved, just like my thoughts...
The state of affairs these days in my corner of the universe are, in a word, bittersweet. So many wonderful things have happened here recently. For one thing, the acquisition of more students... I have almost a full studio once again. God is so good... when it rains, it pours: what was just a month ago maybe 5 or 6 students has now grown to 9 with the potential for 2 or 3 more. And accompanying for LHS is fantastic... the director there is an absolute gem. I thoroughly enjoy being pushed and sharpened by her musicianship and have marveled time and again at her ability to extend grace on a continual basis... so refreshing! I like to think that I (hopefully) deal with my own students in the same manner... or will someday at least. And the break from school? Some days I just can't see myself going back for at least a few more years. It never ceases to amaze me how much I didn't realize I needed the sabbatical. Six years... and on the seventh she rested, right?
And maybe it's because my friend Edwina's birthday was yesterday, but tonight I miss her dearly. I think about how she sits underneath the same sky roughly 2000 miles to the west of me, struggling with calculus-based microeconomics and grading undergraduate essays. I think about the email she sent telling me how this is the first adult birthday she's experienced... the kind that goes by without a lot of hoopla. I try and think about what I could send her and wish that I could catch falling stars and put hugs and tears and memories in envelopes and that they would arrive intact with the full weight of all their original meaning. I think about five years' worth of conversations and just living life together... saying goodbye is so hard. Dr. Budds always half-jokingly, half-seriously said that, "Life is a series of adjustments." Truer words were indeed never spoken...
And I think about my family and all that we're going through together. It is not a fun time for us these days... I won't say much other than the fact that we need your prayers. Seems like each member is struggling with some form of growing pains in their own way, thus making it ever more difficult to relate to each other in a loving manner. The more I read in James, the more I'm convinced of my own incompetency and folly in relationships... "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry..."
And in the back of my mind, I hear those words again... slow to become angry. A passage from yesterday's sermon emerges:
"The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, 'The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness...'"
... such a hard thing to live out. And its so overwhelming when you're trying and failing to live it out amidst difficult relationships in your life... and then you realize this has been shown to you daily by a God who's loved you since... well, the beginning of time.
Overhead the stars twinkle. I think about Edwina. I think about my family. The music I'm working on swirls around in my head, mulling over itself again and again: slow, mournful, and unresolved, just like my thoughts...
Thursday, September 16, 2010
gypsies
It's shortly after noon on a beautiful Thursday. I'm still in my pajamas sitting out on the balcony of my Tower Grove apartment and the bells from the local churches have just rung. I have nothing planned for the day until 4:30 this afternoon when I have to teach piano to the adorable little girls I have on Thursdays. The day feels very European... late morning with a lazy agenda, pasta for lunch, mid-day church bells ringing, blogging from the balcony. The only thing that would make this more perfect would be a great cup of coffee sitting next to me. Alas, I've been flooding my system with water and juices due to the sinus infection I've been battling recently. I would otherwise be painting my mom's office in Old Monroe today but by the time I got back to the apartment last night, I could barely walk let alone drag myself to Schnucks to pick up some meds. So we both decided I should probably take the day to rest. This is what the change of seasons does to me and I hate it every time. Thank God I always manage to get rid of the ailment somehow before needing to see a doctor... unfortunately entrepreneurs don't always have the luxury of affordable health care.
Things have finally started to settle recently... and by settle I mean that all of the part-time work I lined up for this fall is finally gelling into some semblance of a routine. Or as much of a routine as a Bohemian lifestyle will allow :) And even though there's not a lot leftover, most of the bills are getting paid and I'm able to eat so that's what's important. And more importantly, I'm resting. I never realized I'd need the break from school as much as I do.
There have been a lot of things I've been thinking about lately... family stuff that's come up (or rather resurfaced) that I'm having to work through -- stuff from my past that affects the present as well as my future. It's a lot to take in and process but God is really, a very gracious surgeon. If this had all come up while I was in school or back when I was depressed, I really think it would have been too much. Most of it has to do with the relationship between myself and my dad and how that affects the way I relate to men in general... pretty delicate and complicated stuff so I won't go into details but I'm hopeful that one day my expectations for male-female relationships will be realistic and I'll be able to be more than just friends with another man. It's just another layer of finding myself and getting rid of the disillusionment in my heart that would be really difficult to do if I were in a relationship now. My counselor Lynn says it best: "Katie, you need to look for someone who isn't a savior, but who understands where you've been and can be an aid to you in the healing process." She is such a wise, wise woman. Maybe someday I'll let myself dream again about finding the right person rather than just dismissing the desire... there are a lot of things I feel like have been flaking off of me recently, such as the unrequited need to go to graduate school immediately, as well as perhaps the feeling that I'm perfectly fine on my own. Indeed, God is a gracious surgeon...
And I'm still looking for a church here in St. Louis. Can I just say that church-shopping is hard? It's hard. And it's all been complicated by the fact that I've been out of town the past few Sundays in a row. Feels very gypsy-ish to me. There's actually a lot of me that feels very gypsy-ish right now. My mom and others have said that it's just the age I'm in -- the twenties generally feel very unsettled. I have nothing to compare this to and no experience of my own so I'll just have to take their word for it. I also think it's sort of a cultural thing: more and more people my age are waiting longer and longer to settle down. Some form of risk-aversion investment... seems to be sort of the hip and trendy thing to be largely unattached to any place, person, or thing. But it comes with a price. Limbo is great until you're tired of being in the air. And is it weird that I'm unsure of whether I'm even tired of the limbo or not? I don't think I've ever felt so wishy-washy in all my life as I do these days... just generally unsure of everything. And some might say that it's really cheesy, but when nothing in your life seems to really make sense and you feel pretty directionless overall, I can only say this: that I am so thankful to have a source of truth and authority which continues to stand firm amidst my own fickle and doubting heart... maybe this is actually what adulthood is about.
"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord; they are double-minded and unstable in all they do." James 1:4-8
Things have finally started to settle recently... and by settle I mean that all of the part-time work I lined up for this fall is finally gelling into some semblance of a routine. Or as much of a routine as a Bohemian lifestyle will allow :) And even though there's not a lot leftover, most of the bills are getting paid and I'm able to eat so that's what's important. And more importantly, I'm resting. I never realized I'd need the break from school as much as I do.
There have been a lot of things I've been thinking about lately... family stuff that's come up (or rather resurfaced) that I'm having to work through -- stuff from my past that affects the present as well as my future. It's a lot to take in and process but God is really, a very gracious surgeon. If this had all come up while I was in school or back when I was depressed, I really think it would have been too much. Most of it has to do with the relationship between myself and my dad and how that affects the way I relate to men in general... pretty delicate and complicated stuff so I won't go into details but I'm hopeful that one day my expectations for male-female relationships will be realistic and I'll be able to be more than just friends with another man. It's just another layer of finding myself and getting rid of the disillusionment in my heart that would be really difficult to do if I were in a relationship now. My counselor Lynn says it best: "Katie, you need to look for someone who isn't a savior, but who understands where you've been and can be an aid to you in the healing process." She is such a wise, wise woman. Maybe someday I'll let myself dream again about finding the right person rather than just dismissing the desire... there are a lot of things I feel like have been flaking off of me recently, such as the unrequited need to go to graduate school immediately, as well as perhaps the feeling that I'm perfectly fine on my own. Indeed, God is a gracious surgeon...
And I'm still looking for a church here in St. Louis. Can I just say that church-shopping is hard? It's hard. And it's all been complicated by the fact that I've been out of town the past few Sundays in a row. Feels very gypsy-ish to me. There's actually a lot of me that feels very gypsy-ish right now. My mom and others have said that it's just the age I'm in -- the twenties generally feel very unsettled. I have nothing to compare this to and no experience of my own so I'll just have to take their word for it. I also think it's sort of a cultural thing: more and more people my age are waiting longer and longer to settle down. Some form of risk-aversion investment... seems to be sort of the hip and trendy thing to be largely unattached to any place, person, or thing. But it comes with a price. Limbo is great until you're tired of being in the air. And is it weird that I'm unsure of whether I'm even tired of the limbo or not? I don't think I've ever felt so wishy-washy in all my life as I do these days... just generally unsure of everything. And some might say that it's really cheesy, but when nothing in your life seems to really make sense and you feel pretty directionless overall, I can only say this: that I am so thankful to have a source of truth and authority which continues to stand firm amidst my own fickle and doubting heart... maybe this is actually what adulthood is about.
"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord; they are double-minded and unstable in all they do." James 1:4-8
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
tower grove
This morning, Reader, I write to you from the little balcony just off my room in my new Tower Grove apartment. This past weekend, I moved in with my college roommate / best friend and can I just say that I've slept better in the last 3 nights than I did the entire month I was living with my parents? I've been sleeping way better here. Maybe there's a connection, maybe there's not... I'm just sayin'...
This morning's topic? Transitions and how much they suck. There's no getting around it. They're just hard and you feel like there's no control and that you're just stabbing in the air, only to realize later that you are in fact making decisions out of anxiety, driving not only yourself but everyone else around you insane. And I am not one who can easily look at a seemingly hopeless situation, let it go for awhile, and come back to it with a fresh perspective. I used to be able to do that... when I was in the familiar and comfortable environment of school, consistently validated by my surroundings and goals. Out here in the wild, it's completely different... a whole new ballgame. And I'm still trying to survey the landscape.
But in the last month, I've also realized some pretty amazing things. For one thing, I can make it. I can do this life thing and I don't have to be in an academic institution or be married to feel secure about myself. In the process of throwing myself out there in a number of different directions, I've successfully acquired 5 new piano students and an accompanying gig for the choral program of a private high school. I signed the contract yesterday, a contract that will bring in roughly a quarter of my income for the year. And I have an interview with two more potential students tonight. God is so good.
The other important thing I feel like I maybe, sorta, kinda have started to learn is something else touched on in the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I've been a workaholic all my life... I learned it from the pro. It's not that I don't know how to rest. It's that I have to feel like I've earned it or be told that I can take it. Americans get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "Ok, now I will go take one." (Or they tell themselves that they need a break... only after they've worked themselves into a sickness). The Italians get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "I know. That's why I'm planning on taking one at noon." They call it dolce far niente: the sweetness of doing nothing. And when you're not in school and you're pasting part-time work together, there's a little more time for nothing. Sometimes you're forced to take it. I feel as if maybe, just maybe, the flakes of "need to, have to, gotta go, I can't" are starting to fall off. My roommate Halley is so good at this: the girl is a pro at doing nothing and not feeling like she had to earn the right to do it. So I'm glad I'm living with her again, especially now that I'm not in school. I think she will probably be a fantastic teacher. It's a new way of learning to love myself and I have to say, I'm not always quite sure what to do with it. But most of me just wants to embrace it.
This morning's topic? Transitions and how much they suck. There's no getting around it. They're just hard and you feel like there's no control and that you're just stabbing in the air, only to realize later that you are in fact making decisions out of anxiety, driving not only yourself but everyone else around you insane. And I am not one who can easily look at a seemingly hopeless situation, let it go for awhile, and come back to it with a fresh perspective. I used to be able to do that... when I was in the familiar and comfortable environment of school, consistently validated by my surroundings and goals. Out here in the wild, it's completely different... a whole new ballgame. And I'm still trying to survey the landscape.
But in the last month, I've also realized some pretty amazing things. For one thing, I can make it. I can do this life thing and I don't have to be in an academic institution or be married to feel secure about myself. In the process of throwing myself out there in a number of different directions, I've successfully acquired 5 new piano students and an accompanying gig for the choral program of a private high school. I signed the contract yesterday, a contract that will bring in roughly a quarter of my income for the year. And I have an interview with two more potential students tonight. God is so good.
The other important thing I feel like I maybe, sorta, kinda have started to learn is something else touched on in the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I've been a workaholic all my life... I learned it from the pro. It's not that I don't know how to rest. It's that I have to feel like I've earned it or be told that I can take it. Americans get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "Ok, now I will go take one." (Or they tell themselves that they need a break... only after they've worked themselves into a sickness). The Italians get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "I know. That's why I'm planning on taking one at noon." They call it dolce far niente: the sweetness of doing nothing. And when you're not in school and you're pasting part-time work together, there's a little more time for nothing. Sometimes you're forced to take it. I feel as if maybe, just maybe, the flakes of "need to, have to, gotta go, I can't" are starting to fall off. My roommate Halley is so good at this: the girl is a pro at doing nothing and not feeling like she had to earn the right to do it. So I'm glad I'm living with her again, especially now that I'm not in school. I think she will probably be a fantastic teacher. It's a new way of learning to love myself and I have to say, I'm not always quite sure what to do with it. But most of me just wants to embrace it.
Monday, August 16, 2010
the physics of the quest
I know, I know... it's only been 5 days since my last post. But seeing as how I'm a professional part-timer these days, I hope to be able to post more often. The move caused a lot of disruption in my life these past 2-3 weeks and since I'm desperate to get out of my parents' house, moving again may cause more chaos in the near future. So I'm left with one thought for myself on the subject: carpe diem, thou extemporaneous blogger.
And let me just tell you what it took to get myself here this morning. I woke up with two desires: coffee and blogging. The latter was easy enough to satisfy. The first... not so much. There was no coffee to be had in the house, and when I say no coffee, I mean no real coffee. My parents keep decaf on hand but decaf was not acceptable this morning. I'm telling you, sometimes it astonishes me what a human being will do to get a decent cup of coffee in their hands. The situation quickly escalated from a potential Starbucks drive-thru run in my nightie to realizing that I needed to get gas and the ultimate rationalization: a drive-thru doesn't solve the larger problem of no coffee in the house. Now that I'm living here with my parents, even if it's only for another month or so, lack of coffee is still an issue. Don't ask me why this issue wasn't addressed sooner... I think it's probably because I've been satisfying morning caffeine requirements with diet pepsi. Anyway, my original desire to wake up and have a cup of coffee while blogging turned into a ridiculous ordeal. So here I am, an hour and a half later, dressed and mostly ready for the day. Not what I thought I wanted to do with the morning, but still fairly happy nonetheless.
Speaking of this idea, I suppose I could say the same of where I'm at in life right now. Life is so funny that way. You just never know where you'll end up, especially if you're just sort of open to whatever God might have for you. This reminds me of the movie I recently saw with a girlfriend. The new Julia Roberts movie Eat, Pray, Love (based on the book by Elizabeth Gilbert) came out on Friday night and let me just tell you, reader, that if you enjoy a good chick flick and are willing to accept things on their own terms, you will love this movie. It's not your typical chick flick... it's definitely more of a journey flick. The entire premise of the movie can be summed up in the ingenue's short monologue towards the end, taken from the author's website:
"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest' -- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.' Or so I've come to believe. I can't help but believe it, given my experience."
Don't ask me why, but this is so beautiful to me. Maybe because I feel like this is all I ever do? Maybe because I feel like this is what Christians are called to do? Maybe because this is ultimately what we as human beings are supposed to do? Seek truth. Jeremiah 29:13 comes to mind... "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Having been on the journey for a few years now, it is really easy to feel like you're running in circles... that you're simply going nowhere, that you just run and run, chasing after whatever seems to be the right thing for you at the time.
It is my firm belief that human beings genuinely like the cattle drive (dare I say love it?) because it feels like you're headed somewhere meaningful, the point of arrival. And having turned down not one but two fantastic opportunities recently, it is really easy for me to feel like I'm all of sudden going nowhere. People keep asking me the question, "Where do you want to end up, Katie?" And I keep thinking about it in terms of where I want to be in the next year or so, or even five years from now. But the real answer is this -- which I think is universally true for all humans although it manifests itself in different forms -- I want to be content and happy. I want to have desperately sought out truth and found enough to satisfy me, but not enough to make me complacent. I want to be at home in the Lord, fulfilled and happy no matter what my circumstances. And I want to be able to love people and love myself without reservation. So I guess that's why I didn't need to go to school this year... prestigious universities tend to not be the best classrooms for these lessons.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you... and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:13-14a
And let me just tell you what it took to get myself here this morning. I woke up with two desires: coffee and blogging. The latter was easy enough to satisfy. The first... not so much. There was no coffee to be had in the house, and when I say no coffee, I mean no real coffee. My parents keep decaf on hand but decaf was not acceptable this morning. I'm telling you, sometimes it astonishes me what a human being will do to get a decent cup of coffee in their hands. The situation quickly escalated from a potential Starbucks drive-thru run in my nightie to realizing that I needed to get gas and the ultimate rationalization: a drive-thru doesn't solve the larger problem of no coffee in the house. Now that I'm living here with my parents, even if it's only for another month or so, lack of coffee is still an issue. Don't ask me why this issue wasn't addressed sooner... I think it's probably because I've been satisfying morning caffeine requirements with diet pepsi. Anyway, my original desire to wake up and have a cup of coffee while blogging turned into a ridiculous ordeal. So here I am, an hour and a half later, dressed and mostly ready for the day. Not what I thought I wanted to do with the morning, but still fairly happy nonetheless.
Speaking of this idea, I suppose I could say the same of where I'm at in life right now. Life is so funny that way. You just never know where you'll end up, especially if you're just sort of open to whatever God might have for you. This reminds me of the movie I recently saw with a girlfriend. The new Julia Roberts movie Eat, Pray, Love (based on the book by Elizabeth Gilbert) came out on Friday night and let me just tell you, reader, that if you enjoy a good chick flick and are willing to accept things on their own terms, you will love this movie. It's not your typical chick flick... it's definitely more of a journey flick. The entire premise of the movie can be summed up in the ingenue's short monologue towards the end, taken from the author's website:
"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest' -- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.' Or so I've come to believe. I can't help but believe it, given my experience."
Don't ask me why, but this is so beautiful to me. Maybe because I feel like this is all I ever do? Maybe because I feel like this is what Christians are called to do? Maybe because this is ultimately what we as human beings are supposed to do? Seek truth. Jeremiah 29:13 comes to mind... "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Having been on the journey for a few years now, it is really easy to feel like you're running in circles... that you're simply going nowhere, that you just run and run, chasing after whatever seems to be the right thing for you at the time.
It is my firm belief that human beings genuinely like the cattle drive (dare I say love it?) because it feels like you're headed somewhere meaningful, the point of arrival. And having turned down not one but two fantastic opportunities recently, it is really easy for me to feel like I'm all of sudden going nowhere. People keep asking me the question, "Where do you want to end up, Katie?" And I keep thinking about it in terms of where I want to be in the next year or so, or even five years from now. But the real answer is this -- which I think is universally true for all humans although it manifests itself in different forms -- I want to be content and happy. I want to have desperately sought out truth and found enough to satisfy me, but not enough to make me complacent. I want to be at home in the Lord, fulfilled and happy no matter what my circumstances. And I want to be able to love people and love myself without reservation. So I guess that's why I didn't need to go to school this year... prestigious universities tend to not be the best classrooms for these lessons.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you... and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:13-14a
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
doors
This morning I'm sitting in my friend Jill's apartment just outside of Kansas City. It's shortly after 9 am and I'm still in my pj's with... you guessed it: a cup of coffee sitting next to me. It's been nearly a month since I've posted, maybe longer. I could check but that would require effort. So much has happened since then, but I suppose that's how it goes when you average one post a month... :)
As it so happens, I am no longer attending Washington University this fall. Talk about a painful weekend: about three weeks ago, a bunch of fit hit the shan, so to speak, and the reality of student loans set in. MU does this wonderful thing called exit counseling for their student loan borrowers after they graduate and are about to start repayment. Needless to say, after calculating up the total borrowed for undergrad, realizing how much I'd have to borrow to go to Wash U ($10,000 + living expenses), thinking about my poor car which was having fuel pump problems that weekend and is on the verge of hitting the 100,000 mile mark after 18 years of faithful service in the world, and considering the reality of loan repayments after graduate school on a piano teacher's salary (let alone a normal person's salary)... even with the deal Wash U was giving me, it all just started to seem really foolish. Not to mention that we all know Katie is just a little bit on the edge of burnout anyway and could probably use the break from school. And my piano professor had always said that taking some time away from school wouldn't kill my career. She had also warned me to avoid any graduate music program that wouldn't pay for the whole shebang (tuition + an assistantship or a stipend), which I suppose is debateable but she makes a good point. So I'm in the process of figuring out what to do next...
... which brings me back to this morning: sitting in my friend Jill's apartment in Kansas City. As soon as I'm finished here, I will be getting ready to go meet her at Calvary Bible College to meet the faculty of the music and theater departments. It so happens that she is the secretary to both departments and, if she were staying this semester, would be the main piano teacher in their community music program as well as the principal accompanist for the chorales and the musical theatre endeavors of both departments. Unfortunately she and her husband are leaving mid-October since he's in the army and will be headed elsewhere for training. So it's an opportunity for me to potentially step in and take her place. I'm not sure that I'm deliriously excited about it, which I don't entirely understand why not other than to say that I'm pretty leary in general of things that could potentially be scary. And as wonderful as the opportunity sounds, it has a lot of potential to be scary: all of my friends and family are in St. Louis and moving here would mean striking out on my own, four hours away from everything and everyone I know and love, and not merely to go to school or do any type of ministry, but to work. I used to think I was brave but that prospect does not sound exciting. And maybe this is something important to consider: I'm seeing this as nothing but a job opportunity and I am exactly the sort of person who is not motivated solely by work or money... there has to be more there. It has to mean something to me. But I won't know if it means anything to me or not until I see the college and meet the faculty and see what I would be doing. So that's why I'm here: because I'll never know for sure until I actually investigate. I also know that what I'm about to say will sound really shallow, but anyone who's been raised in the St. Louis area will understand... I'm not sure that I want to move to... Kansas City of all places?? It's just a cultural thing. And it sounds stupid, but it is in fact valid.
But more than anything, I just want to know what I want and I want to know what God wants. I know what I want in five years. But I feel like I keep asking myself what I really want in the meantime. Because there are too many trade-offs right now. Either decision will require a number of sacrifices. But sacrifices are worth it if you know what you really want and can keep your eyes focused on those goals. So that's what I keep bringing before the Lord: God, you've brought me to this place. All of a sudden, my fall semester has magically cleared itself... where do you want me now? And what in the world do I want? And why do I always seem to have so much trouble figuring out what I want? My sister would say, "It's because you have anxiety." And I know she would be right, even if that wasn't the entire reason for all of my indecisiveness and restlessness...
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4
Thursday, July 8, 2010
growing pains
Today is a new day. Coffee in hand, I attempt to face the world with a smile again. I hate going to bed feeling disillusioned, which is exactly what happened last night. But I guess I should provide a brief update of all that's taken place since my last post, which, I'm sorry to say is a lot. I will try to be concise...
As it turns out, things did not work out with the boy as many people in my life were hoping they would. I had doubts all along as to whether I should be dating anyone at all and early in the relationship I had short-circuited because of this, only to try a second time to "give it a fair shot." Can I just take this opportunity to say that fair shots are a bunch of bullshit? They're not fair to either person in the relationship. Not to him, not to me. The poor guy ended up investing 2 months in something he had no control over only to find out that I had been doubting the X-factor all along. Needless to say, I learned a lot about myself and relationships and I pray that in time he will forgive me for the pain I caused him. But I also know that I did the most merciful thing I could in cutting it off sooner rather than later... sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is not to get involved with them. And sometimes the second best thing you can do for someone is to let them go if you know it's time.
But the thing that has really made me upset recently (as in the past 2-3 days) is the sale of the classical music radio station in St. Louis (Classic 99.1) to contemporary Christian radio JOY FM. I will spare you the details of the heartbreak I've gone through over this... I suppose I should've realized it was coming. But part of me was praying that something would go wrong... that the FCC wouldn't approve the sale of the station, that the board of executives in the Lutheran Church MO Synod who owned Classic 99 would have heard the outrage of the community and reneged on the sale, that JOY wouldn't have raised enough money to buy it out after all... something to prevent it from happening. I've listened to that station since 7th grade. I knew all the programs and scheduling as well as all the radio hosts. I used to play it continuously in my bedroom when I lived at home and then streamed it through my laptop when I went away to college. In the 12 years that I've been listening, I have learned to recognize as much repertoire as was taught to me through systematic study during my 5 years in the MU School of Music. I would not be the musician I am today without that station and I am so saddened to watch it go, and frustrated by the anger and bitterness in my own heart towards the Christian community in St. Louis for buying it as well as the board of executives at LCMS for selling it off. Thus my feelings of disillusionment when going to bed last night. Truly, I was weeping over the whole issue...
In addition to this, I'm facing the hassle and turmoil of a major move at the end of the month... aka: commence emotional fragility. I'm basically saying good-bye to 6 years of relationships here in Columbia. Not to mention the intimidation and fear I've been battling in realizing what lies ahead of me at Wash U (known around these parts as the Harvard of the Midwest). I pray the other grad students don't eat me for breakfast and wonder how in the world I got in. I also pray that despite the emminent death by piano that awaits me there, that I would be able to buck up against the pressure rather than crumble like I normally do. And I pray that amidst all the fear and emotional hardship of moving that I would find a number of good things... things that make it worthwhile. I know they will be there. I guess I pray that I would see them through the awaiting storm. I hate change... just ask my parents. I do not bear it well. On the contrary, I pretty much hunker down and face it with all the elegance of an emotionally-charged small child.
Amidst all of this, I'm reminded of the promises in the Psalms. Promises of help and a trustworthy God who upholds us. And this should be enough to get me through. But humans are sinful creatures and too often my emotions and fears get the better of me. So coffee in hand, I venture forth to do more battle with my charming and exceedingly difficult Schubert sonata. Because life is a process and today is a new day.
As it turns out, things did not work out with the boy as many people in my life were hoping they would. I had doubts all along as to whether I should be dating anyone at all and early in the relationship I had short-circuited because of this, only to try a second time to "give it a fair shot." Can I just take this opportunity to say that fair shots are a bunch of bullshit? They're not fair to either person in the relationship. Not to him, not to me. The poor guy ended up investing 2 months in something he had no control over only to find out that I had been doubting the X-factor all along. Needless to say, I learned a lot about myself and relationships and I pray that in time he will forgive me for the pain I caused him. But I also know that I did the most merciful thing I could in cutting it off sooner rather than later... sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is not to get involved with them. And sometimes the second best thing you can do for someone is to let them go if you know it's time.
But the thing that has really made me upset recently (as in the past 2-3 days) is the sale of the classical music radio station in St. Louis (Classic 99.1) to contemporary Christian radio JOY FM. I will spare you the details of the heartbreak I've gone through over this... I suppose I should've realized it was coming. But part of me was praying that something would go wrong... that the FCC wouldn't approve the sale of the station, that the board of executives in the Lutheran Church MO Synod who owned Classic 99 would have heard the outrage of the community and reneged on the sale, that JOY wouldn't have raised enough money to buy it out after all... something to prevent it from happening. I've listened to that station since 7th grade. I knew all the programs and scheduling as well as all the radio hosts. I used to play it continuously in my bedroom when I lived at home and then streamed it through my laptop when I went away to college. In the 12 years that I've been listening, I have learned to recognize as much repertoire as was taught to me through systematic study during my 5 years in the MU School of Music. I would not be the musician I am today without that station and I am so saddened to watch it go, and frustrated by the anger and bitterness in my own heart towards the Christian community in St. Louis for buying it as well as the board of executives at LCMS for selling it off. Thus my feelings of disillusionment when going to bed last night. Truly, I was weeping over the whole issue...
In addition to this, I'm facing the hassle and turmoil of a major move at the end of the month... aka: commence emotional fragility. I'm basically saying good-bye to 6 years of relationships here in Columbia. Not to mention the intimidation and fear I've been battling in realizing what lies ahead of me at Wash U (known around these parts as the Harvard of the Midwest). I pray the other grad students don't eat me for breakfast and wonder how in the world I got in. I also pray that despite the emminent death by piano that awaits me there, that I would be able to buck up against the pressure rather than crumble like I normally do. And I pray that amidst all the fear and emotional hardship of moving that I would find a number of good things... things that make it worthwhile. I know they will be there. I guess I pray that I would see them through the awaiting storm. I hate change... just ask my parents. I do not bear it well. On the contrary, I pretty much hunker down and face it with all the elegance of an emotionally-charged small child.
Amidst all of this, I'm reminded of the promises in the Psalms. Promises of help and a trustworthy God who upholds us. And this should be enough to get me through. But humans are sinful creatures and too often my emotions and fears get the better of me. So coffee in hand, I venture forth to do more battle with my charming and exceedingly difficult Schubert sonata. Because life is a process and today is a new day.
Monday, June 14, 2010
steering
Lying in bed on a rainy morning, soaking up the deliciousness of not having to be anywhere immediately. Tomorrow I turn 24. I don't yet feel 24, but neither do I feel 23 anymore... maybe I'll feel more like 24 tomorrow after my actual birthday :)
And tomorrow I have to teach all day. But that doesn't bother me. I love my students and I can't think of a better way to spend the better part of the day than with some kids who love the piano.
Things are going well, which, in all honesty is probably why I haven't updated the blog much recently. Last week was crazy busy with both piano camp and the Crossing's Kids Club taking place in the same week. In other words, each day basically looked like this: at the music school from 9-5 helping kids (grades 7-12) practice their pieces to get ready for the end of camp recital, then grabbing my student Madeline (who participated in piano camp this year) and taking a whirlwind drive over to the church to do Kids Club (the Crossing's version of VBS) from 5:30 - 8:30 where I functioned as a Bible story discussion leader. Needless to say, it was an exhausting week and as much as I loved it, I'm also exceedingly glad it's all over now. I definitely needed this entire weekend to rest up.
Things with the boy are also going well. That is to say he's seeing more and more of the firecracker side of me and hasn't packed up and ran for the hills yet :) But there are days when I just get so overwhelmed with fear that I feel like running myself... fear of commitment, fear of being hurt, fear of losing my identity just like I did with Mitchell, fear of idolizing him, fear of not fulfilling the stupid expectations I place on myself. And guilt too, since he seems to have it all together and knows what he wants and seemingly isn't scared of anything, although he assures me this isn't the case. Either way, it all makes me feel incredibly guilty, which I'm sure is music to the enemy's ears. Anyway, there's a lot that I'm battling... a lot that he's battling too, I suppose, since he's realizing his lady's a cuckoo, although he doesn't have to live with all these crazy thoughts going round and round in his head like I do...
But the other night when I was in the shower I had a revelation (like I often do when I'm in the shower) and I realized that I'm fussing with this whole thing way too much. And I do that. I just fuss with something until it's nearly dead and wilted. That is to say, I sit there and worry about the whole thing excessively until whatever it is that I'm worrying about is ready to stick up the white flag of surrender. But luckily, sometimes I finally get to the point where I realize I need to just let things go and see what happens if I were to, say, take my grimy hands off and let go of the wheel maybe? I'm committed to seeing this thing out to the very end, whenever that may be and I'm committed to seeing what God has for us. And that's all I know. And that's ok... I feel peace about that level of commitment. I can't give any more just yet because I'm not there. And I hope I get there eventually, but who's to say that I will? All I can do is trust the Lord, which I haven't been doing a very good job of lately, since I like so much to just be in control, especially when it comes to relationships with guys. Oh Katie... trust the Lord, little one. You don't have to know all the answers: it's only a wild ride if you let him steer....
And tomorrow I have to teach all day. But that doesn't bother me. I love my students and I can't think of a better way to spend the better part of the day than with some kids who love the piano.
Things are going well, which, in all honesty is probably why I haven't updated the blog much recently. Last week was crazy busy with both piano camp and the Crossing's Kids Club taking place in the same week. In other words, each day basically looked like this: at the music school from 9-5 helping kids (grades 7-12) practice their pieces to get ready for the end of camp recital, then grabbing my student Madeline (who participated in piano camp this year) and taking a whirlwind drive over to the church to do Kids Club (the Crossing's version of VBS) from 5:30 - 8:30 where I functioned as a Bible story discussion leader. Needless to say, it was an exhausting week and as much as I loved it, I'm also exceedingly glad it's all over now. I definitely needed this entire weekend to rest up.
Things with the boy are also going well. That is to say he's seeing more and more of the firecracker side of me and hasn't packed up and ran for the hills yet :) But there are days when I just get so overwhelmed with fear that I feel like running myself... fear of commitment, fear of being hurt, fear of losing my identity just like I did with Mitchell, fear of idolizing him, fear of not fulfilling the stupid expectations I place on myself. And guilt too, since he seems to have it all together and knows what he wants and seemingly isn't scared of anything, although he assures me this isn't the case. Either way, it all makes me feel incredibly guilty, which I'm sure is music to the enemy's ears. Anyway, there's a lot that I'm battling... a lot that he's battling too, I suppose, since he's realizing his lady's a cuckoo, although he doesn't have to live with all these crazy thoughts going round and round in his head like I do...
But the other night when I was in the shower I had a revelation (like I often do when I'm in the shower) and I realized that I'm fussing with this whole thing way too much. And I do that. I just fuss with something until it's nearly dead and wilted. That is to say, I sit there and worry about the whole thing excessively until whatever it is that I'm worrying about is ready to stick up the white flag of surrender. But luckily, sometimes I finally get to the point where I realize I need to just let things go and see what happens if I were to, say, take my grimy hands off and let go of the wheel maybe? I'm committed to seeing this thing out to the very end, whenever that may be and I'm committed to seeing what God has for us. And that's all I know. And that's ok... I feel peace about that level of commitment. I can't give any more just yet because I'm not there. And I hope I get there eventually, but who's to say that I will? All I can do is trust the Lord, which I haven't been doing a very good job of lately, since I like so much to just be in control, especially when it comes to relationships with guys. Oh Katie... trust the Lord, little one. You don't have to know all the answers: it's only a wild ride if you let him steer....
Friday, May 28, 2010
pacing
Oh man, what a beautiful morning! I'm sitting in my recently-cleaned duplex (since I finally had the time to clean it), celebrating the beauty of spring with the windows open and allowing the 70-something degree breezes of this lovely morning to blow their way through the bachelorette pad. I'm on vacation and I love it. I'm not allowing myself to practice til 1 June. Absences makes the heart grow fonder, you know.
So far this morning, I've successfully done laundry, had my quiet time, and read the newspaper from two days ago. I'm still in my jams and glasses, even at 10:45 on a Friday morning with Harry Connick Jr crooning to me over my iTunes. This is the kind of pace I've been longing for since the end of winter break. Thank God a season of rest is here!
And Mama is on her way to Columbia right now as we speak to share a beautiful weekend of repose and relaxation with me. She needs it and I am happy to have her company (and her attention!). It will be wonderful.
And things are going really well with the boy. We had a rough start... this last weekend I basically short-circuited when things all of sudden seemed to be moving way too fast and completely out of control, both of us at fault. But we had a great talk last night after a few days apart and he is so understanding and totally willing to work through things, which shows a lot of character. And can I just say that I'm so painfully aware that whoever chooses to be in any kind of a relationship with me basically has to have the patience of Job and the flexibility of a rubber band. I'm painfully aware of it. But from what I can tell he's got both, which puts my heart at ease. And in all honesty, I'm interested to see that he doesn't let me run him over, which I also have a tendency to do in relationships... basically a little girl grown up, just hoping someone will call me on my bull like my parents do, particularly my Daddy. And I know that sounds terrible, but awareness is half the battle.
And I never thought I'd say it, but as much as I hate boundaries, I've learned that I really need them, especially in relationships... one of the tragic hallmarks of my last major relationship: there were none... or very few at least. Codependency is never healthy. So that's what I'm hoping to avoid here early on, as well as not losing the sense of identity I worked so hard to cultivate these last six years.
And let's just be honest: it just takes time to get to know someone and get used to their various quirks. And in actuality, this is the part of relationships that I glory in, given the right conditions. It's letting them get to know me that is the hard part. A dear friend of mine once gave me some of the best and most beautiful encouragement: "You should let people appreciate you as much as you let yourself appreciate others, Katie... because you are wonderful." And as much as I honestly believe that about myself, I often feel God calling my bluff on that one, since he seems to consistently bring people into my life who honestly want to know the real me, which is both scary and exhilarating all at the same time. So that's where we're at: letting him in, slowly. Not perfectly, not elegantly, and definitely not systematically. But slowly... I'm not looking for a raging inferno of emotion. Oddly enough in the world of Katie, where everything is seemingly upside down, resembling more of an Alice-in-Wonderland type of logic, slow and steady wins the race. And I think he gets that. So we'll see where it goes...
So far this morning, I've successfully done laundry, had my quiet time, and read the newspaper from two days ago. I'm still in my jams and glasses, even at 10:45 on a Friday morning with Harry Connick Jr crooning to me over my iTunes. This is the kind of pace I've been longing for since the end of winter break. Thank God a season of rest is here!
And Mama is on her way to Columbia right now as we speak to share a beautiful weekend of repose and relaxation with me. She needs it and I am happy to have her company (and her attention!). It will be wonderful.
And things are going really well with the boy. We had a rough start... this last weekend I basically short-circuited when things all of sudden seemed to be moving way too fast and completely out of control, both of us at fault. But we had a great talk last night after a few days apart and he is so understanding and totally willing to work through things, which shows a lot of character. And can I just say that I'm so painfully aware that whoever chooses to be in any kind of a relationship with me basically has to have the patience of Job and the flexibility of a rubber band. I'm painfully aware of it. But from what I can tell he's got both, which puts my heart at ease. And in all honesty, I'm interested to see that he doesn't let me run him over, which I also have a tendency to do in relationships... basically a little girl grown up, just hoping someone will call me on my bull like my parents do, particularly my Daddy. And I know that sounds terrible, but awareness is half the battle.
And I never thought I'd say it, but as much as I hate boundaries, I've learned that I really need them, especially in relationships... one of the tragic hallmarks of my last major relationship: there were none... or very few at least. Codependency is never healthy. So that's what I'm hoping to avoid here early on, as well as not losing the sense of identity I worked so hard to cultivate these last six years.
And let's just be honest: it just takes time to get to know someone and get used to their various quirks. And in actuality, this is the part of relationships that I glory in, given the right conditions. It's letting them get to know me that is the hard part. A dear friend of mine once gave me some of the best and most beautiful encouragement: "You should let people appreciate you as much as you let yourself appreciate others, Katie... because you are wonderful." And as much as I honestly believe that about myself, I often feel God calling my bluff on that one, since he seems to consistently bring people into my life who honestly want to know the real me, which is both scary and exhilarating all at the same time. So that's where we're at: letting him in, slowly. Not perfectly, not elegantly, and definitely not systematically. But slowly... I'm not looking for a raging inferno of emotion. Oddly enough in the world of Katie, where everything is seemingly upside down, resembling more of an Alice-in-Wonderland type of logic, slow and steady wins the race. And I think he gets that. So we'll see where it goes...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
breathe
It's been a long time... too long. Today is the first day in the last 6 weeks (no joke!) that I have felt like I can safely breathe again. I don't have a recital to worry about, nor do I have massive amounts of research to complete to show off my abilities as an academic who can wave her magic wand and pull beautiful and thought-provoking historical analyses out of mid-air. Done and done. I am officially graduated. I am officially a Mizzou alum. Man that feels good to write. And somehow by the grace of God, I managed to do it all with flying colors. A quick check of grades online reveals straight A's... solid A's too, meaning I graduated with a 3.84 GPA... magna cum laude. And not only that, I managed to somehow be invited to join the nation's oldest and most prestigious honors fraternity as well, Phi Beta Kappa. I could just cry right now... yes I worked hard. But I was also extremely blessed in my efforts. Thank God.
This morning, I slept in, got up, and had quiet time with the Lord for the first time in months... kind of sick that I had neglected that for so long. Kind of sick that I had started relying on Sunday mornings and counseling sessions as my time to hear from God. This summer will be a time of renewal... I'm promising that to myself. I can't tell you how THANKFUL I am for my dad's foresight and wisdom: "Katie, if you're going to graduate school, I don't want you doing anything this summer." He was so right. I need this. I need to breathe. I need to take care of myself for a couple of months. Today I walked down the street and saw beauty again and I very nearly had a minor breakdown right there in public. You don't realize how hard you're running until you stop...
And of course amidst all the craziness, a boy came waltzing into my life. It is the strangest thing. It actually kind of pissed me off at first... like, who does this guy think he is?? I'm Katie Smith, for crying out loud! I was finally at a point where I was completely happy and fulfilled in my singleness. So processing this whole thing has been a challenge. But he's really sweet and willing to take things as slowly as I need to and quite honestly, I like him a little too much to not head towards something positive. I guess you could say he hasn't done anything to earn himself the boot yet ;) In reality, I totally see this as God's way of giving me an attitude adjustment to keep me from being completely self-absorbed in my own goals and thinking. And there are days when it really makes me squirm and rebel within my own selfish heart, since I really was quite wonderful and ok on my own finally. But Matt is really patient and affirming and extremely cognizant of where I'm at. I'll say one thing for him: the man knows how to tame the mare to some extent. And the entire situation is working to my advantage. That is to say, I have the whole summer to decide whether this will go somewhere long-term or not after I move to St. Louis. So we'll see where it goes... life is so strange sometimes.
Anyway now that I'm breathing again, I hope to post more often as part of my summer therapy in taking refuge from academia. Stay tuned...
This morning, I slept in, got up, and had quiet time with the Lord for the first time in months... kind of sick that I had neglected that for so long. Kind of sick that I had started relying on Sunday mornings and counseling sessions as my time to hear from God. This summer will be a time of renewal... I'm promising that to myself. I can't tell you how THANKFUL I am for my dad's foresight and wisdom: "Katie, if you're going to graduate school, I don't want you doing anything this summer." He was so right. I need this. I need to breathe. I need to take care of myself for a couple of months. Today I walked down the street and saw beauty again and I very nearly had a minor breakdown right there in public. You don't realize how hard you're running until you stop...
And of course amidst all the craziness, a boy came waltzing into my life. It is the strangest thing. It actually kind of pissed me off at first... like, who does this guy think he is?? I'm Katie Smith, for crying out loud! I was finally at a point where I was completely happy and fulfilled in my singleness. So processing this whole thing has been a challenge. But he's really sweet and willing to take things as slowly as I need to and quite honestly, I like him a little too much to not head towards something positive. I guess you could say he hasn't done anything to earn himself the boot yet ;) In reality, I totally see this as God's way of giving me an attitude adjustment to keep me from being completely self-absorbed in my own goals and thinking. And there are days when it really makes me squirm and rebel within my own selfish heart, since I really was quite wonderful and ok on my own finally. But Matt is really patient and affirming and extremely cognizant of where I'm at. I'll say one thing for him: the man knows how to tame the mare to some extent. And the entire situation is working to my advantage. That is to say, I have the whole summer to decide whether this will go somewhere long-term or not after I move to St. Louis. So we'll see where it goes... life is so strange sometimes.
Anyway now that I'm breathing again, I hope to post more often as part of my summer therapy in taking refuge from academia. Stay tuned...
Saturday, April 10, 2010
the zone
Two weeks to D-Day... or perhaps I should say R-Day. Recital: I've been in the zone preparing for a week now and still have another two weeks to go. Today I feel great, although this last week spent in the zone was intense. Intense... that is indeed the word I'm looking for. It didn't suck, but neither was it amazingly fun: lots of mental and emotional preparation. I'm beginning to think this is all just part of it... being in the zone so long that by the time recital is actually here, you're just ready to play your pieces and be done.
My hearing is on Tuesday. This is the part where I play highlights of my program for the music faculty to make sure I know my music and know what I'm doing. It's meant to be intimidating, distracting, and pressured. Awesome.
So if you're reading this and you know me and you can read between the lines here and be able to tell that I'm mostly distracted by an upcoming performance in the next couple of weeks, say a prayer. Or two.
My hearing is on Tuesday. This is the part where I play highlights of my program for the music faculty to make sure I know my music and know what I'm doing. It's meant to be intimidating, distracting, and pressured. Awesome.
So if you're reading this and you know me and you can read between the lines here and be able to tell that I'm mostly distracted by an upcoming performance in the next couple of weeks, say a prayer. Or two.
Monday, March 29, 2010
break
Today I'm at my parents house, on spring break nursing a God-awful cold given to me by my sister. It's awesome. I forced myself to drink an entire glass of water this morning before I could have coffee. Yesterday my nose was raw from excessive contact with kleenex. But enough complaining. I don't have to go to class or teach at all this week... just practice, which I want to do, and yet it's so much easier to sit here and procrastinate. I've successfully taken the dog on a walk, made coffee, eaten breakfast, and completed an online crossword puzzle. All before 11 am :) This is what spring break is about.
And I have to say it's way easier to waste my days away here at my parents' house than it is in Columbia... I just get so bored and depressed in a house all by myself. There is plenty to distract here.
I'm also on a mission to dig up my old French materials from when I studied the language back in high school, though this might prove a difficult task given the state of our house right now. Anyway, as interesting as German is, it's not exactly the language of choice for me... sehr schwer! It's definitely a goal of mine over the next couple of months to re-introduce myself to the beauties of the French language I once understood with such facility. I rely far too heavily on online translators and dictionaries at this point, something I hope to change.
And I'm half-done with my research for Dr. Budds this semester: 3/6 papers turned in. Granted, I still have to do corrections for those first 3 papers, but hey, first drafts are at least 70% of the work. As Mama says: bit by bit, little by little.
And I have to say it's way easier to waste my days away here at my parents' house than it is in Columbia... I just get so bored and depressed in a house all by myself. There is plenty to distract here.
I'm also on a mission to dig up my old French materials from when I studied the language back in high school, though this might prove a difficult task given the state of our house right now. Anyway, as interesting as German is, it's not exactly the language of choice for me... sehr schwer! It's definitely a goal of mine over the next couple of months to re-introduce myself to the beauties of the French language I once understood with such facility. I rely far too heavily on online translators and dictionaries at this point, something I hope to change.
And I'm half-done with my research for Dr. Budds this semester: 3/6 papers turned in. Granted, I still have to do corrections for those first 3 papers, but hey, first drafts are at least 70% of the work. As Mama says: bit by bit, little by little.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
clarity
Once again, we are procrastinating. And by we, I mean me. I must be really exhausted because I came home to St Louis just to write a paper. Seriously... who am I kidding? And yes, it's true. I can definitely concentrate better here but in all honesty, I really just needed to get away. I'm so tired of Columbia and as much as I will miss certain aspects of my life there (like my church and my students), I am so ready to be done with this chapter of my life.
So that means I'm going to Wash U. I talked with the prof I'd be studying with Wednesday morning on the phone and it just all became so clear. I'm not done with my education and what I'm going to gain from this experience will be invaluable in my development as both a pianist and a teacher. I keep going back to the parable of the pearl of great price and thus far, there have been two great pearls in my life. This is one of them. And I definitely feel like I've been called to it. I feel like this is the most obvious and clear choice: an instance of God's desires for my life revealing themselves to me and being what I ultimately want as well. But I couldn't have known that a month or even a week ago. I didn't even know it when I got the call initially. It wasn't until after I talked with Mrs. Burkhart (my prof there) a few days later that I really felt my fears assuaged and I got really excited about studying with her for the next two years.
Now, to just keep my eyes on the ball I have to hit in the next 2 months: four more papers to write (10 pgs each), a recital to give, classwork to finish up for 2 other academic classes. I can do it. But I won't get much of a spring break...
... which is why I spend days like today just coming home and telling myself I'm going to do work, even if the intention doesn't get fulfilled. If it doesn't get done absolutely right this second, it's not a big deal. Because after a week of getting home after 12 and 13-hr days living on lunchmeat, yogurt, and granola bars, you need about 24 hrs of chill time. And a home-cooked meal. This is why my parents are amazing.
Dad says he absolutely does not want me doing ANYTHING this summer (aka only teach since that doesn't stress me out and makes good money). I might also take lessons on a bi-weekly basis just for fun (work on whatever I want) and to make sure I'm not going into grad school with crazy fingers that haven't touched a piano in 3 months. Mom says she hopes I find a rich husband at Wash U. I just hope the logistics all work out so that going there doesn't kill me financially or emotionally. But I've got peace about it and I know that it is absolutely the right decision for me, despite the necessity to take out more loans. It's gonna be fine. And I'm excited for the transition process. It'll be hard but good... I think I'm ready for it.
So that means I'm going to Wash U. I talked with the prof I'd be studying with Wednesday morning on the phone and it just all became so clear. I'm not done with my education and what I'm going to gain from this experience will be invaluable in my development as both a pianist and a teacher. I keep going back to the parable of the pearl of great price and thus far, there have been two great pearls in my life. This is one of them. And I definitely feel like I've been called to it. I feel like this is the most obvious and clear choice: an instance of God's desires for my life revealing themselves to me and being what I ultimately want as well. But I couldn't have known that a month or even a week ago. I didn't even know it when I got the call initially. It wasn't until after I talked with Mrs. Burkhart (my prof there) a few days later that I really felt my fears assuaged and I got really excited about studying with her for the next two years.
Now, to just keep my eyes on the ball I have to hit in the next 2 months: four more papers to write (10 pgs each), a recital to give, classwork to finish up for 2 other academic classes. I can do it. But I won't get much of a spring break...
... which is why I spend days like today just coming home and telling myself I'm going to do work, even if the intention doesn't get fulfilled. If it doesn't get done absolutely right this second, it's not a big deal. Because after a week of getting home after 12 and 13-hr days living on lunchmeat, yogurt, and granola bars, you need about 24 hrs of chill time. And a home-cooked meal. This is why my parents are amazing.
Dad says he absolutely does not want me doing ANYTHING this summer (aka only teach since that doesn't stress me out and makes good money). I might also take lessons on a bi-weekly basis just for fun (work on whatever I want) and to make sure I'm not going into grad school with crazy fingers that haven't touched a piano in 3 months. Mom says she hopes I find a rich husband at Wash U. I just hope the logistics all work out so that going there doesn't kill me financially or emotionally. But I've got peace about it and I know that it is absolutely the right decision for me, despite the necessity to take out more loans. It's gonna be fine. And I'm excited for the transition process. It'll be hard but good... I think I'm ready for it.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
surely he will be mine too...
Last night I received a call from the chair of the graduate music program at Washington University: I got in.
And as much as I would love to just bask in the fact that I made it into one of the hardest schools to get into in the Midwest, the deal isn't quite as sweet as I'd hoped it would be. Rather than offering full tuition remission, the school of music is only able to offer 75% of it, since the economy is so sucky right now and they're not a state school. So that leaves me with a bill of about $10,000 a year, in addition to living expenses for a 2-yr program. But you know, my EFC on the fafsa was 0 so there's always the possibility I could maybe get some grants or other assistance from the gov't? In all honesty, I'm just praying that God shows up in a big way if this is what I'm supposed to be doing... either now or after I get out and am looking for a job needing to pay off all my debt.
Because after looking hard at myself and all my options in the last 24 hrs, I'm going to be honest: I don't really want to do anything else right now. I would love to take some time off, but that would require me to re-audition and re-apply next year... who's to say that things would be better financially then than they are now? And I don't feel like I'm done developing musically either... perhaps academically, but definitely not as a pianist. There's nobody I'd rather study with than Mrs. Burkhart, who is the professor I'd have the privilege of working with. And to be honest, there's not a lot I can do in my field with an undergraduate degree in music history except to get a job that's outside my field or teach privately for a year or two, which is really only a short-term solution.
It's an investment. And it's so scary.
But when it comes down to it and I look at my other options, I really don't feel like I'm supposed to be doing anything else... and I don't really want to either. I want to get this done. In all honesty, I should have a master's already. But I don't. So that's where we're at: I'm not done. I don't want to be doing anything else. I don't feel like I should be doing anything else, despite the fact that my parents basically want me to do anything but study next year :)
And I'll probably spend the next month or so second-guessing myself before it finally all settles in. But right now, in this moment, sipping coffee while I procrastinate doing my German homework, in my heart I think I'm supposed to go and just trust the Lord to provide what's necessary. Dad says he owns all the cattle on 10,000 hills and all the money in the world. Mom says he has been and will continue to be our family's employer, retirement, and health insurance. Surely he will be mine too, both now and after I'm done with school.
And as much as I would love to just bask in the fact that I made it into one of the hardest schools to get into in the Midwest, the deal isn't quite as sweet as I'd hoped it would be. Rather than offering full tuition remission, the school of music is only able to offer 75% of it, since the economy is so sucky right now and they're not a state school. So that leaves me with a bill of about $10,000 a year, in addition to living expenses for a 2-yr program. But you know, my EFC on the fafsa was 0 so there's always the possibility I could maybe get some grants or other assistance from the gov't? In all honesty, I'm just praying that God shows up in a big way if this is what I'm supposed to be doing... either now or after I get out and am looking for a job needing to pay off all my debt.
Because after looking hard at myself and all my options in the last 24 hrs, I'm going to be honest: I don't really want to do anything else right now. I would love to take some time off, but that would require me to re-audition and re-apply next year... who's to say that things would be better financially then than they are now? And I don't feel like I'm done developing musically either... perhaps academically, but definitely not as a pianist. There's nobody I'd rather study with than Mrs. Burkhart, who is the professor I'd have the privilege of working with. And to be honest, there's not a lot I can do in my field with an undergraduate degree in music history except to get a job that's outside my field or teach privately for a year or two, which is really only a short-term solution.
It's an investment. And it's so scary.
But when it comes down to it and I look at my other options, I really don't feel like I'm supposed to be doing anything else... and I don't really want to either. I want to get this done. In all honesty, I should have a master's already. But I don't. So that's where we're at: I'm not done. I don't want to be doing anything else. I don't feel like I should be doing anything else, despite the fact that my parents basically want me to do anything but study next year :)
And I'll probably spend the next month or so second-guessing myself before it finally all settles in. But right now, in this moment, sipping coffee while I procrastinate doing my German homework, in my heart I think I'm supposed to go and just trust the Lord to provide what's necessary. Dad says he owns all the cattle on 10,000 hills and all the money in the world. Mom says he has been and will continue to be our family's employer, retirement, and health insurance. Surely he will be mine too, both now and after I'm done with school.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
rainy days
I'm sitting at Kaldi's on this rainy Saturday afternoon, sipping coffee that doesn't have nearly enough sweetener in it... to be corrected as soon as I'm finished here :) And yes, I'm definitely procrastinating working on a paper that's due Monday afternoon. The good news is that I successfully completed 6 pages of prose for Dr. Budds this week (a 1-pg essay and a 5-pg paper)... in the middle of the week no less. And I have to say that the 5-page paper due for his Hysterical (historical) Studies in Opera class is nothing short of pure poetry... which is probably why I'm having trouble today. Let's face it: I gave my best work already this week and now the prospect of finishing a 10-page paper this weekend just about gags me.
And as much as I try not to focus on it, I can't help but feeling like my life has been temporarily placed on hold until I hear back from WashU. And this is what I've learned from the entire experience: transitions suck. They are just so hard. It's hard when you feel like your life is up the air and you can't make a decision. It's hard when you feel like all you're doing is waiting. And it's even harder to stay motivated when you're exhausted of the situation you're in. It's just hard. As much as I try to be content with where I'm at, I can't help but thinking something just needs to change... although I'll probably be caught off guard when things finally do change and then left wishing things would go back to the way they were. Life is so complex. Sometimes I just find myself praying, "God, calm my restless and discontented heart. Self, get over it."
The only other news to report, other than my ongoing battle with my own anxiety, is that my lovely Edwina is gone until the first week of April. Having a good friend in close proximity really does make all the difference. But for now I'm on my own, with only the ice cream she left in the freezer to console me at night when I come home... although that's not entirely true. I do have my own stash of chocolate in the pantry I keep on-hand for particularly difficult days :) Apparently March is the season of perpetual waiting...
... as Mama always said, "This too shall pass, darling."
I'm looking forward to better weather next week... both literally and figuratively. Here's to hoping for warm days, productivity, peace of mind, and coffee with more sweetener in it next time...
And as much as I try not to focus on it, I can't help but feeling like my life has been temporarily placed on hold until I hear back from WashU. And this is what I've learned from the entire experience: transitions suck. They are just so hard. It's hard when you feel like your life is up the air and you can't make a decision. It's hard when you feel like all you're doing is waiting. And it's even harder to stay motivated when you're exhausted of the situation you're in. It's just hard. As much as I try to be content with where I'm at, I can't help but thinking something just needs to change... although I'll probably be caught off guard when things finally do change and then left wishing things would go back to the way they were. Life is so complex. Sometimes I just find myself praying, "God, calm my restless and discontented heart. Self, get over it."
The only other news to report, other than my ongoing battle with my own anxiety, is that my lovely Edwina is gone until the first week of April. Having a good friend in close proximity really does make all the difference. But for now I'm on my own, with only the ice cream she left in the freezer to console me at night when I come home... although that's not entirely true. I do have my own stash of chocolate in the pantry I keep on-hand for particularly difficult days :) Apparently March is the season of perpetual waiting...
... as Mama always said, "This too shall pass, darling."
I'm looking forward to better weather next week... both literally and figuratively. Here's to hoping for warm days, productivity, peace of mind, and coffee with more sweetener in it next time...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
chess
So it's a rainy Tuesday. My life is a bit of a mess right now, though I thought the mess was maybe starting to clear up. I was wrong. But given that it's a rainy Tuesday, it all sorta makes sense and I'm ok with it for the moment. I'm sitting here on campus, sipping coffee with lots of cream and sweetener and wondering how it's all gonna come together.
This last week, my dad's younger sister passed away. It was so hard... mostly because her death breaks the ice for his generation. One down for the count, you know. She had been through her first round of breast cancer about 10 yrs ago and had been declared free of it. Then recently a different form of cancer had come back again and she just absolutely refused to go through that process again. So it was expected, and yet not. I figured I would be going to a funeral over spring break perhaps, definitely not a mere week after visiting her. And I can definitely say that I am soooo freaking glad we went to see her last Sunday before she went home to be with the Lord, which my cousin tells us she prayed for Wednesday evening before she went to sleep. That part is so crazy to me. She asked to be taken home and God just went ahead and did that for her... such an act of mercy. It's a little overwhelming to me when he does stuff like that for people.
And despite finding out this tragic news about half an hour before my lesson last Thursday (and my pieces sounding like the attempts of a 5-yr-old throughout the duration of that lesson), all my music is now memorized. It's definitely not perfect, but I can get through everything and I've still got 6 weeks til my recital. I am just thanking the good Lord above for giving me a teacher who pushes me hard and then lets things ferment. She understands me in a way I could never have imagined... on that note, I think she just has an unparallelled sense of human nature. It is fantastic. But it's come with a price: I'm so behind in my writing for Budds. I got a bunch of work done on my Holst project this weekend only to find out I'm going to have to edit out at least 2 of the 7 and 1/2 pages I got written. And then there's all the writing for his writing intensive class on the history of opera. The list goes on and on. Sigh. Sometimes I feel like Cinderella, wondering if all my work's gonna get done in time for me to go to the graduation ball.
I'm also realizing via my students that I still have much to learn as a teacher. Yesterday I was given a check for which I didn't feel competent to receive. And that's not a good feeling. Not that I don't have anything to contribute to this student... on the contrary, I feel certain I've left a lasting impression on her musical development. And yet I know that by the end of this year, she will have outgrown me as a teacher and will need to move on. Hard stuff to face. Not to mention where that leaves me with my decision about grad school...
Edwina and I had a really good conversation about this last night, though... perhaps the best conversation I've had with anybody about this particular crossroad in the last 6 months: there's absolutely no way I can make a decision right now. Edwina tells me her dad says life is like a game of chess. It creates complicated situations and then systematically sorts them out through various circumstances. So even though I've been standing at this crossroads for over 6 months now, really there's no other choice right now than to just keep standing there and wait for the right path to systematically reveal itself. So when I asked her the question, "If you were me, what would you do with the next year of my life," her answer was the most profound I've been given thus far: "I would make the right choice and not second-guess myself." And I just have to say that is one of the many reasons we are friends... because she recognizes when I need to be given back my dignity and freedom of choice when I would otherwise willingly abdicate that to someone else in exchange for concrete direction. So my dear friend, if you are reading this, thank you for that.
This last week, my dad's younger sister passed away. It was so hard... mostly because her death breaks the ice for his generation. One down for the count, you know. She had been through her first round of breast cancer about 10 yrs ago and had been declared free of it. Then recently a different form of cancer had come back again and she just absolutely refused to go through that process again. So it was expected, and yet not. I figured I would be going to a funeral over spring break perhaps, definitely not a mere week after visiting her. And I can definitely say that I am soooo freaking glad we went to see her last Sunday before she went home to be with the Lord, which my cousin tells us she prayed for Wednesday evening before she went to sleep. That part is so crazy to me. She asked to be taken home and God just went ahead and did that for her... such an act of mercy. It's a little overwhelming to me when he does stuff like that for people.
And despite finding out this tragic news about half an hour before my lesson last Thursday (and my pieces sounding like the attempts of a 5-yr-old throughout the duration of that lesson), all my music is now memorized. It's definitely not perfect, but I can get through everything and I've still got 6 weeks til my recital. I am just thanking the good Lord above for giving me a teacher who pushes me hard and then lets things ferment. She understands me in a way I could never have imagined... on that note, I think she just has an unparallelled sense of human nature. It is fantastic. But it's come with a price: I'm so behind in my writing for Budds. I got a bunch of work done on my Holst project this weekend only to find out I'm going to have to edit out at least 2 of the 7 and 1/2 pages I got written. And then there's all the writing for his writing intensive class on the history of opera. The list goes on and on. Sigh. Sometimes I feel like Cinderella, wondering if all my work's gonna get done in time for me to go to the graduation ball.
I'm also realizing via my students that I still have much to learn as a teacher. Yesterday I was given a check for which I didn't feel competent to receive. And that's not a good feeling. Not that I don't have anything to contribute to this student... on the contrary, I feel certain I've left a lasting impression on her musical development. And yet I know that by the end of this year, she will have outgrown me as a teacher and will need to move on. Hard stuff to face. Not to mention where that leaves me with my decision about grad school...
Edwina and I had a really good conversation about this last night, though... perhaps the best conversation I've had with anybody about this particular crossroad in the last 6 months: there's absolutely no way I can make a decision right now. Edwina tells me her dad says life is like a game of chess. It creates complicated situations and then systematically sorts them out through various circumstances. So even though I've been standing at this crossroads for over 6 months now, really there's no other choice right now than to just keep standing there and wait for the right path to systematically reveal itself. So when I asked her the question, "If you were me, what would you do with the next year of my life," her answer was the most profound I've been given thus far: "I would make the right choice and not second-guess myself." And I just have to say that is one of the many reasons we are friends... because she recognizes when I need to be given back my dignity and freedom of choice when I would otherwise willingly abdicate that to someone else in exchange for concrete direction. So my dear friend, if you are reading this, thank you for that.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
in tents
This weekend was so intense... just like boy scouts -- get it? In tents? Mer mer. In all seriousness though, it was a tough time. I did taxes and the fafsa with my mom... 50 billion forms though she saved me $400, went to Halley's birthday party (which was fun, but I didn't get to actually talk to her much since it was mostly family attending), said good-bye to the most influential person in my life and her husband and kids since they moved to Nebraska yesterday, and went to visit my aunt who's on hospice. Oh yeah... and then I had to come back to school. Needless to say, by the time I got back to Columbia and slid into my bathtub Sunday night, I was not a happy camper. I was super depressed, mega-stressed since I hadn't gotten any homework done whatsoever, and generally unhappy with essentially everything.
Today I'm in a slightly better place. At least I don't have the kinds of crazy irrational thoughts running through my head that plagued me the other night. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Katie's mind can be a really dark place sometimes. Anyway, a bunch of time freed itself up today since my family of 4 students that I teach on Tuesdays are all ill, which is honestly quite convenient seeing as how this is the third week in a row of memorizing a piece of music per week for Dr. Wenger's critical ears in my lessons. I really am about to go insane. I haven't worked on my research for the Prokofiev paper at all in the last 10-12 days because I figure if I get all my music finally memorized, I'll be in a better position mentally and emotionally to deal with everything else. Thank God this is my last piece. I really could almost puke at the amount of Debussy I've ingested recently. And you know how I love Debussy.
In all honesty, things aren't ideal right now. I've said good-bye to three of my best friends in the last three months. Leaves a girl feeling somewhat abandoned. And sometimes I just totally let myself go to that place and be miserable and its slightly wonderful in a very commiserative and morbid way. But Sunday night, I wrote a memo to God detailing my frustrations, asking him to just meet me where I'm at, despite the fact that I'm unable and somewhat unwilling at this point to pursue him because of my crazy, emotionally-frazzled state and an even harrier schedule. And I have to tell you, the last two days have been so much better. I often feel like I'm running on fumes (or less!), but right now it seems like he has just been helping me face one thing after another these last 36 hrs without completely losing it. And I know its easy to just say "Oh, God is helping me to do blah blah blah" when really its just that your circumstances seem to be working out the way you want them to. But let me just say there's a distinct difference between that and genuinely feeling like you're no longer completely alone in your attempts to move mountains or deal with small monsters. The presence he fills you with when you just ask him for it is what makes all the difference between seriously feeling like you're going out of your ever-loving mind and being able to deal with life with some measure of dignity and sanity... somebody please remind me of that five days from now when I will more than likely be in a dark place again...
Today I'm in a slightly better place. At least I don't have the kinds of crazy irrational thoughts running through my head that plagued me the other night. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Katie's mind can be a really dark place sometimes. Anyway, a bunch of time freed itself up today since my family of 4 students that I teach on Tuesdays are all ill, which is honestly quite convenient seeing as how this is the third week in a row of memorizing a piece of music per week for Dr. Wenger's critical ears in my lessons. I really am about to go insane. I haven't worked on my research for the Prokofiev paper at all in the last 10-12 days because I figure if I get all my music finally memorized, I'll be in a better position mentally and emotionally to deal with everything else. Thank God this is my last piece. I really could almost puke at the amount of Debussy I've ingested recently. And you know how I love Debussy.
In all honesty, things aren't ideal right now. I've said good-bye to three of my best friends in the last three months. Leaves a girl feeling somewhat abandoned. And sometimes I just totally let myself go to that place and be miserable and its slightly wonderful in a very commiserative and morbid way. But Sunday night, I wrote a memo to God detailing my frustrations, asking him to just meet me where I'm at, despite the fact that I'm unable and somewhat unwilling at this point to pursue him because of my crazy, emotionally-frazzled state and an even harrier schedule. And I have to tell you, the last two days have been so much better. I often feel like I'm running on fumes (or less!), but right now it seems like he has just been helping me face one thing after another these last 36 hrs without completely losing it. And I know its easy to just say "Oh, God is helping me to do blah blah blah" when really its just that your circumstances seem to be working out the way you want them to. But let me just say there's a distinct difference between that and genuinely feeling like you're no longer completely alone in your attempts to move mountains or deal with small monsters. The presence he fills you with when you just ask him for it is what makes all the difference between seriously feeling like you're going out of your ever-loving mind and being able to deal with life with some measure of dignity and sanity... somebody please remind me of that five days from now when I will more than likely be in a dark place again...
Saturday, February 27, 2010
monsters
Thank God my mom is an accountant!!! She is amazing. Can I just say that one more time? My mom is a fan-freaking-tastic genius of a tax adviser for my fledgling small business. I might also add that I definitely win the award for most forms needed with the least amount of money made. Between the basic 1040, w-2s, a schedule C for self-employment, and the 8615 and all its counterparts for someone who's under the age of 24 with a miniscule share of investment, it's a bit ridiculous. And then we filed the fafsa for a family of 1 who made less than $5000. EFC = 0. YES. I am poor. I need financial aid for grad school. Please help me, o ye who hold the money... preferably in the form of grants. Thank you.
In other news, I have been super stressed out lately. I went to see my counselor, Lynn this last week. I scheduled the appointment not even knowing what I needed to talk about, but just knowing that I needed to do something about my frazzled state. And despite the fact that I had no agenda for our session other than coming out less stressed than when I walked in, the time spent with her was really good. I have realized more about myself in this crazy stressful year than I think ever before, which is good, because it means I'm learning how to navigate my own adulthood... sorta. Anyway one of the suggestions she made is to cut something out, which I'm in the process of attempting: an accompanying gig that would give me back roughly 6 hrs in my week. In her words, "Oh yeah... someone else can DEFINITELY do that. That is not a life or death thing." We also talked about the fact that I struggle with approval and feeling like I have to prove my worth to others... probably something I've struggled with my whole life, in all honesty. She is a wise, wise woman. And that's why I pay her.
I did find out yesterday that after 6 years of killing myself, I will be graduating with honors: Magna Cum Laude, that is if I keep my GPA between now and then. This means that I will get to participate in MU's special honors graduation ceremony on the quad. I'm also allowed to invite a faculty member, who is supposed to be decked out in their academic regalia to accompany me. There's absolutely no question in my mind of who I want to come with me: Dr. Budds. He has pushed and stretched me to my limits academically and has offered nothing but fatherly advice in personal matters as well. And let's be honest, I did not know how to listen to music before my first class with him. My only regret is that I can only invite 1 member. I wish that Dr. Mabary could come as well since she has played just as big of a part in my academic development. I don't know... maybe this issue requires more thought. I'll get back to you on that one...
But for now I have a busy weekend ahead of me: Halley's birthday, Jeff and Sarah moving, and a visit to my aunt who's on hospice. And we won't even think about next week... it's worse than the monster under the bed.
In other news, I have been super stressed out lately. I went to see my counselor, Lynn this last week. I scheduled the appointment not even knowing what I needed to talk about, but just knowing that I needed to do something about my frazzled state. And despite the fact that I had no agenda for our session other than coming out less stressed than when I walked in, the time spent with her was really good. I have realized more about myself in this crazy stressful year than I think ever before, which is good, because it means I'm learning how to navigate my own adulthood... sorta. Anyway one of the suggestions she made is to cut something out, which I'm in the process of attempting: an accompanying gig that would give me back roughly 6 hrs in my week. In her words, "Oh yeah... someone else can DEFINITELY do that. That is not a life or death thing." We also talked about the fact that I struggle with approval and feeling like I have to prove my worth to others... probably something I've struggled with my whole life, in all honesty. She is a wise, wise woman. And that's why I pay her.
I did find out yesterday that after 6 years of killing myself, I will be graduating with honors: Magna Cum Laude, that is if I keep my GPA between now and then. This means that I will get to participate in MU's special honors graduation ceremony on the quad. I'm also allowed to invite a faculty member, who is supposed to be decked out in their academic regalia to accompany me. There's absolutely no question in my mind of who I want to come with me: Dr. Budds. He has pushed and stretched me to my limits academically and has offered nothing but fatherly advice in personal matters as well. And let's be honest, I did not know how to listen to music before my first class with him. My only regret is that I can only invite 1 member. I wish that Dr. Mabary could come as well since she has played just as big of a part in my academic development. I don't know... maybe this issue requires more thought. I'll get back to you on that one...
But for now I have a busy weekend ahead of me: Halley's birthday, Jeff and Sarah moving, and a visit to my aunt who's on hospice. And we won't even think about next week... it's worse than the monster under the bed.
Friday, February 26, 2010
life goals
I have readers! I finally found your comments, friends! I've been blogging here for 2 months thinking my only audience was my grandma... no offense, Grandma... but I have an audience! Yay!! Thank you so much for your comments. I'm so sorry I didn't find them before now. Can someone say blonde?? Man...
This post is quick, since I have German in about T-minus 12 mins. Life goals. Go:
1. Hike/Camp my way through the Golden Triangle of Western National Parks -- Yosemite, Yellowstone, Glacier Bay
2. Read the Bible all the way through. This is probably important since I haven't done it yet... don't judge.
3. Speak one of the languages I've studied academically (French or German) fluently.
4. Teaching stats = 1 / 5 students become a professional musician of some form; 1 / 1 students keep playing into adulthood.
5. List of music to learn = All Debussy Preludes, All Bach Inventions and Sinfonias, Beethoven Pastorale and Moonlight Sonatas, Saint-Saens 2nd Piano Concerto, Rachmaninoff 2nd Piano Concerto... and the Charlie Brown theme song (per Stuart).
6. Live in a European country in a substantial form of housing for at least a year.
More later...
This post is quick, since I have German in about T-minus 12 mins. Life goals. Go:
1. Hike/Camp my way through the Golden Triangle of Western National Parks -- Yosemite, Yellowstone, Glacier Bay
2. Read the Bible all the way through. This is probably important since I haven't done it yet... don't judge.
3. Speak one of the languages I've studied academically (French or German) fluently.
4. Teaching stats = 1 / 5 students become a professional musician of some form; 1 / 1 students keep playing into adulthood.
5. List of music to learn = All Debussy Preludes, All Bach Inventions and Sinfonias, Beethoven Pastorale and Moonlight Sonatas, Saint-Saens 2nd Piano Concerto, Rachmaninoff 2nd Piano Concerto... and the Charlie Brown theme song (per Stuart).
6. Live in a European country in a substantial form of housing for at least a year.
More later...
Monday, February 22, 2010
Edwina
My dear friend Edwina, who I've been privileged to know these last 5 years, through a set of really random circumstances, has moved in to our duplex, specifically sharing a room with yours truly. It is wonderful. Even in just the day or so that she's been here, I feel motivated again to care about my studies and get stuff done... with a good attitude about it, I might add. All this to say: apparently I need people who care about me and who I can relate to on an intimate level around (as in living with me) to help me stay motivated, stop focusing on myself, and widen my overall perspective. It is far too easy for me to get caught up in the world of Katie, which can be a beautiful thing sometimes... just not when that realm is characterized by disappointment and complaining, which I'm sorry to say is often the case -- more than you might think anyway. So I guess living alone someday isn't really an option for me since nothing would get done and I'd end up depressed all the time. Oh wait... that was last summer. Ha!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Stuart
Yesterday I had lunch with my friend Stuart, during which we had a highly interesting (and highly amusing) conversation about life goals. It basically went something like this:
(Stuart): Question... what are some of your life goals?
(Katie): Um... well, I want to live somewhere in Europe for an extended period of time...
(Stuart): Question... would you live in the Swiss Alps?
(Katie): Heck yes.
(Stuart): Would you live in the Swiss Alps in a tent?
(Katie): Uh... no.
(Stuart): Well the Swiss Alps are in Europe... you need to be more specific.
(Katie): Ok, well... um... I would like to live in the European countryside and/or a major European city for at least a year in some form of substantial housing.
(Stuart): Like Mahler.
(Katie): Yes, like Mahler.
(Stuart): Ok. What's another life-goal?
(Katie): Uh.... ok, well let me think... (a minute or two passes)...
(Stuart): Katie, what are you doing trying to bs your way through a conversation about life goals? You need to seriously figure these out. What do you think about when you go to sleep at night?
(Katie): ...what I have to do the next day?
(Stuart): (shakes his head) Your assignment for the next 7 nights is to figure out what your life goals are report back to me next Thursday. Things you can work on for the rest of your life.
(Katie): Well I really want to get my masters...
(Stuart): Is that a life goal?
(Katie): ... uh, yeah I guess not.
(Stuart): Life goals. Next Thursday.
So that's what I'm in the midst of figuring out, among the 90 bajillion other things I have to do in a given day / week. I did figure out one last night. I've decided I'll post them here as I figure them out. And these aren't in order of importance... this is just what popped into my head first. The first life goal I came up with last night is this... to hike/camp my way through what I like to call the Western Golden Triangle of National Parks: Yellowstone, Yosemite, and Glacier Bay.
Please email me your thoughts on potential life goals if you can. I'm interested to see what you think.
(Stuart): Question... what are some of your life goals?
(Katie): Um... well, I want to live somewhere in Europe for an extended period of time...
(Stuart): Question... would you live in the Swiss Alps?
(Katie): Heck yes.
(Stuart): Would you live in the Swiss Alps in a tent?
(Katie): Uh... no.
(Stuart): Well the Swiss Alps are in Europe... you need to be more specific.
(Katie): Ok, well... um... I would like to live in the European countryside and/or a major European city for at least a year in some form of substantial housing.
(Stuart): Like Mahler.
(Katie): Yes, like Mahler.
(Stuart): Ok. What's another life-goal?
(Katie): Uh.... ok, well let me think... (a minute or two passes)...
(Stuart): Katie, what are you doing trying to bs your way through a conversation about life goals? You need to seriously figure these out. What do you think about when you go to sleep at night?
(Katie): ...what I have to do the next day?
(Stuart): (shakes his head) Your assignment for the next 7 nights is to figure out what your life goals are report back to me next Thursday. Things you can work on for the rest of your life.
(Katie): Well I really want to get my masters...
(Stuart): Is that a life goal?
(Katie): ... uh, yeah I guess not.
(Stuart): Life goals. Next Thursday.
So that's what I'm in the midst of figuring out, among the 90 bajillion other things I have to do in a given day / week. I did figure out one last night. I've decided I'll post them here as I figure them out. And these aren't in order of importance... this is just what popped into my head first. The first life goal I came up with last night is this... to hike/camp my way through what I like to call the Western Golden Triangle of National Parks: Yellowstone, Yosemite, and Glacier Bay.
Please email me your thoughts on potential life goals if you can. I'm interested to see what you think.
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