This afternoon I saw the new version of the movie, "True Grit" with Jeff Bridges. Aside from being much more realistic than the 1968 John Wayne version, the essence and tone of this movie struck a chord with me, hitting on an element that I suspect resounds strongly with many Americans: the spirit of tenacity. Thinking back on the movie throughout the course of the evening has brought a number of images and scenes (and thoughts) to mind. Maddie, the young girl in the movie, whose core desire is to avenge the death of her father, is nothing short of absolutely hard as nails. Nothing seems to phase her. SPOILER: Even when she gets bit by a rattlesnake towards the end of the movie, for being a 14-yr-old girl, she seems to take it in beautiful stride. I think what really sealed the deal for me was seeing her in the end, as a grown woman with only one functional arm, still hard as nails, though a little more mellowed. This is not the same Maddie that I grew up with in the John Wayne version of True Grit. In the 1968 version, John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn defined what "true grit" really meant. Today, Maddie's character is the one who defines "true grit."
And I have to say that as a young woman, it's completely empowering. I see a lot of myself in her. Maybe not in the cross-a-river on a horse or shoot-a-man-in-his-side kind of way, but that spirit of tenacity... yeah, I grew up with that. A gift from my dad, a man with similarities to the old Marshall himself. And I don't care who you are, but if you spend your childhood growing up in a rural area, you gain a certain amount of true grit whether you want it or not. Thinking back on my childhood, of course I had dreams of being a princess and the first female president of the United States. But they were tempered by other dreams of make-believe... when I think back to the games of pretend that I used to play with the other neighbor kids, they weren't spent make-believing I was a princess or a damsel in distress. They were spent pretending to be a cowgirl. Or a horsegirl. Or a horse even. Don't ask me how or why... we didn't own horses. But we knew people that did and somehow we caught the spirit of freedom and independence that comes with those images of rural life, open ranges, gravel roads, horses, and girls like Maddie who are hard as nails. I caught that spirit.
We moved off our small three-acre property located down two miles of gravel road five miles outside of town when I was a senior in high school. I remember being devastated, hating to leave what felt like my connection to nature and the "wild frontier." I was angry with my father for months. And these days I no longer just live in "town" but a real city, as a grown-up no longer playing pretend. I have found that there are some things these "city folk" have never heard of (like putting sand in the back of your vehicle when cold weather hits) and some things they simply will never understand (like filling gallon jugs with water if the forecast calls for an ice storm). In many ways, I'm an anomaly of acculturation. But despite my classy education in the fields of music research, performance, and teaching, that raw spirit of cowgirl tenacity remains... I would never make it as a self-employed pianist in the wild without it. In some ways, I suppose I still play pretend... or maybe these days it's called willpower (?). The boundary lines between the two are easily skewed in my mind.
Tonight as I reflect back on all this and the role that "true grit" has played in my life (and is still playing in my life), I like to think that I have the tenacity to look 2011 square in the eyes, cock my head, and give him a long, hard look... "What business do you have with me, sir?"
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
resolutions
Today is a work day. Right now, I'm still at my parents' house in our tiny snow-covered town (been here since the day before Christmas Eve), working with meine Mutter today to get a bunch of year-end stuff done. Literally, there are three computers up and running right now, accomplishing a number of different goals. To give you an idea of the scenario, I will tell you this, dear Reader: I'm blogging between printing reports for her, the dog is on my lap trying to get her fair share of attention amidst the craziness, and it's proving quite difficult to think since Mom is on the phone with a client across the desk from me. Whew. But I wanted to post this while I was thinking about it and the thoughts escaped me... that being thoughts of New Year's resolutions.
So far the list includes the following:
1. Investments. This is an area in which I really need to start making progress immediately. Retirement will come all too soon. A little bit each month will add up eventually and a little is way better than nothing. I'm thinking bonds or an IRA. But something.
2. Quickbooks / Accounting. I'm self-employed. And thank God my business is expanding enough to actually have to enter stuff into an accounting program. But I need to get on it or it's all gonna pile up... all of a sudden, it'll be June and I'll be looking at 6 months' worth of input. Oy.
3. Summer Classes / Plans. I need to put plans into place for what I'm going to do this summer. I'm thinking of offering some group music classes for my students and anyone else that might be interested... maybe 2 or 3 different sections. My accompanying contract with Lutheran will end in May and you know, I need to eat and pay rent. So I'm thinking some 5-week group classes might be the answer. I need to have this figured out no later than March 1.
4. Fall Classes. This fall I'd like to be able to teach through the Learning Center in St. Peters, such as some music history or music theory classes for homeschoolers looking to take a structured fine arts credit. So I need to get some things in order for that asap, since those teaching slots fill up quick.
5. Running. I will run a 5k this year. Maybe two if my schedule allows. Maybe a 10k if I make some significant progress as far as distance is concerned. But at least one 5k, an extremely reasonable and realistic goal.
6. Piano / Professional Development. It's my intended goal to study all of the Bach Inventions and Sinfonia this year with Professor Burkhart, as well as several of the Beethoven Bagatelles (hopefully all of Op. 126?) in addition to some bigger pieces to prepare for grad auditions in the next year or so.
7. Church / Community. Especially male community, although female community is really important as well. The goal is to join a church, find three good guy friends, and three new good girlfriends in the St. Louis area by the end of the year. Seems ambitious but you sorta have to be that way when there's a drought.
8. Food. Starting this past weekend, the gluten has to go. Or at least, as much as possible. Along with as much sugar as possible. I'm renewing my commitment.
9. Health / Dental. If I have to pay for my own medical and dental bills, I'm determined to be as pro-active in preventive health as possible. This means eating well (see resolution 8), taking vitamins regularly, and keeping my mouth in good shape. A little bit more at the grocery store will equal lower medical costs in the long-run.
10. Bible Study. I'm gonna join one. It just needs to happen. ASAP. Enough said.
The list could go on and on but ten is more than enough for now. The rest will come along later.
So far the list includes the following:
1. Investments. This is an area in which I really need to start making progress immediately. Retirement will come all too soon. A little bit each month will add up eventually and a little is way better than nothing. I'm thinking bonds or an IRA. But something.
2. Quickbooks / Accounting. I'm self-employed. And thank God my business is expanding enough to actually have to enter stuff into an accounting program. But I need to get on it or it's all gonna pile up... all of a sudden, it'll be June and I'll be looking at 6 months' worth of input. Oy.
3. Summer Classes / Plans. I need to put plans into place for what I'm going to do this summer. I'm thinking of offering some group music classes for my students and anyone else that might be interested... maybe 2 or 3 different sections. My accompanying contract with Lutheran will end in May and you know, I need to eat and pay rent. So I'm thinking some 5-week group classes might be the answer. I need to have this figured out no later than March 1.
4. Fall Classes. This fall I'd like to be able to teach through the Learning Center in St. Peters, such as some music history or music theory classes for homeschoolers looking to take a structured fine arts credit. So I need to get some things in order for that asap, since those teaching slots fill up quick.
5. Running. I will run a 5k this year. Maybe two if my schedule allows. Maybe a 10k if I make some significant progress as far as distance is concerned. But at least one 5k, an extremely reasonable and realistic goal.
6. Piano / Professional Development. It's my intended goal to study all of the Bach Inventions and Sinfonia this year with Professor Burkhart, as well as several of the Beethoven Bagatelles (hopefully all of Op. 126?) in addition to some bigger pieces to prepare for grad auditions in the next year or so.
7. Church / Community. Especially male community, although female community is really important as well. The goal is to join a church, find three good guy friends, and three new good girlfriends in the St. Louis area by the end of the year. Seems ambitious but you sorta have to be that way when there's a drought.
8. Food. Starting this past weekend, the gluten has to go. Or at least, as much as possible. Along with as much sugar as possible. I'm renewing my commitment.
9. Health / Dental. If I have to pay for my own medical and dental bills, I'm determined to be as pro-active in preventive health as possible. This means eating well (see resolution 8), taking vitamins regularly, and keeping my mouth in good shape. A little bit more at the grocery store will equal lower medical costs in the long-run.
10. Bible Study. I'm gonna join one. It just needs to happen. ASAP. Enough said.
The list could go on and on but ten is more than enough for now. The rest will come along later.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
new drifter in town
I finally realized I can add photos to my blog... and links as well. This may completely revolutionize my blogging habits from here on out :) Pictures are of me, mom, and my sister, Allie. And the new drifter in town, conveniently very handsome and extremely available... for a few hours at least lol.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
with
This morning, Reader, I write to you from my new kitchen in Webster Groves. Yes, we got moved in. Yes, it was an ordeal, albeit a smooth and successful ordeal... still an ordeal, nonetheless. Despite having spent the entire week leading up to the move in a lethargic wasteland of coffee, hot chocolate, New York Times crossword puzzles, 3-mile runs, pumpkin muffins, and whatever else I could think of to soothe my stress levels, motivation finally came for me the Friday morning after Thanksgiving. I started working / packing / cleaning at 10 am and didn't stop until Sunday evening when the whole thing was over and done with. Just to clarify, this means I spent all of Friday packing, all of Saturday moving, and all of Sunday cleaning the old apartment. And to make matters even more spectacular, we didn't have heat in our new place Saturday night. Amazing how 54 degrees outside feels relatively ok vs 54 degrees inside, which feels like an arctic igloo. But the heat got fixed Sunday morning and we were thankful pilgrims in our new world... until Monday morning when I killed a wood roach / ginormous water-bug-looking creature the size of a small child. Not to mention that the hot water here has a habit of running out after about 5 mins in the shower. Needless to say, there are still a few kinks the landlord needs to look into but overall, renter's remorse isn't really an issue... not yet, anyway. For the most part, Halley and I are nested in our new place, complete with Christmas decorations and the ficus I kidnapped from my parents' house, which is functioning as our little Charlie Brown Christmas tree this year. There are in fact lots of virtues to our unceremonious move, like being able to shave 10-15 mins off my commute out to Lutheran three times a week, being closer to nearly all of our friends, reduced traffic since we're not actually living in the city anymore, and an apartment that keeps us warm and will (hopefully) be more cost-efficient this winter than the one in Tower Grove would've been... fingers crossed. So far, it's been much better here, despite the cold snap we've had lately.
And can I just say that God has been so faithful in all of this? He really has. Somehow, as a piano teacher who just moved here in the last five months, I've acquired 11 private students and steady accompanying work. Not only that, but I expect another student in January as well. I will soon be at capacity. The other night when I was stressed about finances and what feels like another tight month because of the move, the thought occurred to me that I'm the one who makes this machine work... that I make my own bread and butter. And although this may be true to some extent, there's a lot more to be said for a God who's faithfully providing the work opportunities. Turns out I'm actually not running this machine at all. The other day I read an article in the New York Times about unemployment rates in the US... a seriously sad article over the state of affairs in this country's economic situation. Let me be the first to say that I am so thankful for the work he's given me.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about contentment again, particularly with regard to my current single status. I feel like I vacillate back and forth a lot between wanting to kill the desire to be in a relationship altogether and making it the focus of my thoughts... either way it becomes an idol in my mind and robs me of the contentedness I could have. Sunday I went to see my counselor and we spent a lot of our session talking about this... let's be honest, this is one of the biggest ways God's been working in my life right now to draw me to him. And to be even more honest, I've been kicking and screaming about it the entire way. There's a lot of comfort though, in knowing that I don't have to kill the desire completely, nor do I have to just make myself be ok with the situation or pretend to like where I'm at. The desire is completely good and valid. But God doesn't just exist to oversee the fulfillment of our unmet desires... he won't sacrifice our faith in him so we can lose ourselves in our pleasures. I've been grieving a lot this semester (now that I actually have time for that)... grieving the loss of many things in my past, as well as their current absence. Lynn says that what I'm dealing with now, the grieving of delayed fulfillment of a long-held desire could be one of the hardest parts of the process -- recognizing the desire and submitting it (not killing it) to God and his perfect timing. She says it will feel like death... dying to self always feels like death. So in some sense, I've been in the way of my own contentedness all along. And in all honesty, the contentedness is what I've been wanting more than anything. I experienced it last spring for about 4-5 months and it was bliss. And I feel like I've been trying to get back to that state ever since.
"Katie, no one... no man can ever touch the wounds you have in the way that you want them to. No person has that salve, no one can give you the fulfillment you're looking for except Christ."
And I think the church twists this idea a lot... we make it into the jacked-up version of thinking where we expect singles to make God into their wife or husband, or say that we as humans can exist as islands without the benefit of human interaction and community, which just simply isn't true. But being in a relationship to be happy, healed, content, and fulfilled? It's just not going to happen. Humans can't help us the way we want them to... the way we hope they will.
I am the woman at the well. We all are.
Jesus answered [her], "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but those who drink the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." ... The woman said, "I know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us." Then Jesus declared, "I, the one speaking to you -- I am he." John 4: 13-14, 25-26
During this Christmas season, may God reveal himself to you, Reader. May you feel the joy of contentedness in submitting all your desires (met and unmet) to him. May you feel the comfort of his presence in your life. He is called Immanuel, God with us. For he was one of us and his scars are our scars. And he came to save his people... from their sins, from themselves, from their desire to find fulfillment in everything else in this world but himself. Thank God someone stronger than us has spoken on our behalf. He is our salvation, if we would but allow our hearts to be turned toward him.
And can I just say that God has been so faithful in all of this? He really has. Somehow, as a piano teacher who just moved here in the last five months, I've acquired 11 private students and steady accompanying work. Not only that, but I expect another student in January as well. I will soon be at capacity. The other night when I was stressed about finances and what feels like another tight month because of the move, the thought occurred to me that I'm the one who makes this machine work... that I make my own bread and butter. And although this may be true to some extent, there's a lot more to be said for a God who's faithfully providing the work opportunities. Turns out I'm actually not running this machine at all. The other day I read an article in the New York Times about unemployment rates in the US... a seriously sad article over the state of affairs in this country's economic situation. Let me be the first to say that I am so thankful for the work he's given me.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about contentment again, particularly with regard to my current single status. I feel like I vacillate back and forth a lot between wanting to kill the desire to be in a relationship altogether and making it the focus of my thoughts... either way it becomes an idol in my mind and robs me of the contentedness I could have. Sunday I went to see my counselor and we spent a lot of our session talking about this... let's be honest, this is one of the biggest ways God's been working in my life right now to draw me to him. And to be even more honest, I've been kicking and screaming about it the entire way. There's a lot of comfort though, in knowing that I don't have to kill the desire completely, nor do I have to just make myself be ok with the situation or pretend to like where I'm at. The desire is completely good and valid. But God doesn't just exist to oversee the fulfillment of our unmet desires... he won't sacrifice our faith in him so we can lose ourselves in our pleasures. I've been grieving a lot this semester (now that I actually have time for that)... grieving the loss of many things in my past, as well as their current absence. Lynn says that what I'm dealing with now, the grieving of delayed fulfillment of a long-held desire could be one of the hardest parts of the process -- recognizing the desire and submitting it (not killing it) to God and his perfect timing. She says it will feel like death... dying to self always feels like death. So in some sense, I've been in the way of my own contentedness all along. And in all honesty, the contentedness is what I've been wanting more than anything. I experienced it last spring for about 4-5 months and it was bliss. And I feel like I've been trying to get back to that state ever since.
"Katie, no one... no man can ever touch the wounds you have in the way that you want them to. No person has that salve, no one can give you the fulfillment you're looking for except Christ."
And I think the church twists this idea a lot... we make it into the jacked-up version of thinking where we expect singles to make God into their wife or husband, or say that we as humans can exist as islands without the benefit of human interaction and community, which just simply isn't true. But being in a relationship to be happy, healed, content, and fulfilled? It's just not going to happen. Humans can't help us the way we want them to... the way we hope they will.
I am the woman at the well. We all are.
Jesus answered [her], "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but those who drink the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." ... The woman said, "I know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us." Then Jesus declared, "I, the one speaking to you -- I am he." John 4: 13-14, 25-26
During this Christmas season, may God reveal himself to you, Reader. May you feel the joy of contentedness in submitting all your desires (met and unmet) to him. May you feel the comfort of his presence in your life. He is called Immanuel, God with us. For he was one of us and his scars are our scars. And he came to save his people... from their sins, from themselves, from their desire to find fulfillment in everything else in this world but himself. Thank God someone stronger than us has spoken on our behalf. He is our salvation, if we would but allow our hearts to be turned toward him.
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