This is a temporary post to let you know that a new post is currently under construction in my mind and will soon be put up for your viewing pleasure.
(... is it weird that I post to let you know I'm going to post? Probably yes. Oh well.)
The upcoming post will probably be about one or more of the following subjects:
1. How St. Louis is the greatest city on earth because we won the World Series last night.
2. How the Cardinals are the greatest team on earth because we won the World Series last night.
3. How I'll be telling my landlord tomorrow that I'm moving out in 30 days and I don't know where I'm going.
4. How I have 30 days to find a new place to live.
5. Grad School (seriously need to find a new topic to replace that one...)
6. How I've started praying for a husband that I'm not ready for because I don't want 30 to sneak up on me and still not be married. I mean, let's be honest: if I'm praying for a good living situation to fall from the sky, I might as well ask for a husband while I'm at it.
7. How I'm realizing more and more that I don't want to leave St. Louis for a while. I'm starting to get attached. I either need to break now or stay. And you know how much I love change...
8. About how there is a serious need in the world for a sarcasm font.
Feel free to comment with what you'd like to hear about most. Your actual sway of influence is debatable. But your democratic participation is always appreciated :)
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
still in the game!
Last night I was sick and went to bed early thinking "Game over... man!" Today I woke up to find that not only did we win, but we were down two points in the bottom of the 10th and pulled ahead to win by one in the 11th inning.
Our team really is the best. We're awesome. And we're gonna take the series. Just wanted to put a little Cardinal baseball love out there for your Friday morning.
BIRDS!!
Our team really is the best. We're awesome. And we're gonna take the series. Just wanted to put a little Cardinal baseball love out there for your Friday morning.
BIRDS!!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
needs
Lots of people have wish lists. I've been thinking a lot about my
wish list lately, since I've been thinking a lot about what I actually
want in life. But the more I think about my wish list, the more I think
about my what-I-actually-need-list. And it's becoming
substantial. I could sit here and talk about how I need a new pair of
jeans but you and I both know that when it comes down to it, I could
probably go another 4-6 months, maybe even a year without them. I've
become so aware of needs lately. It comes with the territory of being a
starving artist. And hopefully the 10 of you who read this blog know
that the term "starving artist" is used here tongue-in-cheek because I'm
not actually starving, although there are definitely weeks when I
wonder if I will be or not. But I never am. God is and always has been
such a faithful provider. Compared to the rest of the world, I'm so
wealthy, even though my friend Laura tells me that most janitors make
more than musicians who run their own studio. Awesome, right?
By the way... sorry if this post makes you uncomfortable talking about money. It's something I'm quite used to by now because well let's face it, when you're at the bottom of the food chain, it becomes an issue. It always amazes me how people who have money never like to talk about it because they maybe feel guilty that they have it and people who don't have any money sometimes feel ashamed about it, both of which are just silly. Granted, you want to talk about the issue with people you trust but there's absolutely no reason to feel anything about money other than a healthy respect for it and knowing where it's place is in your life. Jesus taught on money more than any other subject. And the more you begin to functionally trust that what the Bible says about how the lilies of the field are clothed in splendor and the birds of the air want for nothing because they have a creator who takes care of them, the less scary it is. Sounds extremely cliche I know, but I guess that's where child-like faith comes in. The more you realize the truth that Jesus was who he said he was and came here to do what he did for us and in the end conquered death on our behalf, well... the rest of the stuff we worry about so much doesn't really matter. Including money.
So in the end, I stop worrying about money and just tell him what I actually need, regardless of cost or logistics. And I usually have to wrestle with what I actually need for a while and get to a place where I'm doing something that has nothing to do with anything (like driving or running or in the shower) and thinking about everything and then realize there's absolutely nothing I can do in any manner whatsoever to bring about the thing I need so badly. And it's at that point that I usually weep out loud the simplest of statements, "Jesus I need ________...!" and that's when the Holy Spirit steps in. Something clicks and I feel myself let go. It's not a formula. It doesn't always happen that my needs are met right then. Especially if I'm in the shower. Or even a week later. Sometimes it takes a long time. But I feel myself let go of the mangled mess that it had become in my mind. And then when that need is met... it's like none other.
When you really, really need something, receiving it is the sweetest thing.
Having experienced this a lot recently, I have a theory now that if you live your life according to the things you need, you'll never be disappointed. There have been so many situations where I've received something and known in my heart that it wasn't right because either I didn't really, really need it at the time or the manner in which it was given / received did not have that sweet, need-being-met-in-a-radical-way kind of feeling. And it's not about the feeling. But it can be a good litmus test for what's actually going on inside, particularly for yours truly. I have a theory that if you live only according to what you really need, everything else is just icing on the cake.
It was Shakespeare who said, "Poor and content is rich, and rich enough." Maybe that's part of what the Bible is trying to get at when it says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit..."
Someday when I meet my husband, it's gonna be awesome. Because that is a need I've been waiting on for a while now... I really need someone out there somewhere with a Y chromosome and a young heart that knows and loves Jesus, has a good mind, a covenant-view of relationships, and a reasonably attractive exterior to invest in Katie both emotionally and financially long-term. Given my parents' divorce, I can tell you it scares the crap out of me, even though I know it's something I really need. And who knows? Maybe it'll be another 5-10 years before I meet someone. Maybe I'll never get married. At this point, I suppose anything's possible. And I'm ok with that. God is a good and faithful God. He'll take care of me in the meantime.
But then someday I'll get to see Jesus. And it will be the sweetest thing.
By the way... sorry if this post makes you uncomfortable talking about money. It's something I'm quite used to by now because well let's face it, when you're at the bottom of the food chain, it becomes an issue. It always amazes me how people who have money never like to talk about it because they maybe feel guilty that they have it and people who don't have any money sometimes feel ashamed about it, both of which are just silly. Granted, you want to talk about the issue with people you trust but there's absolutely no reason to feel anything about money other than a healthy respect for it and knowing where it's place is in your life. Jesus taught on money more than any other subject. And the more you begin to functionally trust that what the Bible says about how the lilies of the field are clothed in splendor and the birds of the air want for nothing because they have a creator who takes care of them, the less scary it is. Sounds extremely cliche I know, but I guess that's where child-like faith comes in. The more you realize the truth that Jesus was who he said he was and came here to do what he did for us and in the end conquered death on our behalf, well... the rest of the stuff we worry about so much doesn't really matter. Including money.
So in the end, I stop worrying about money and just tell him what I actually need, regardless of cost or logistics. And I usually have to wrestle with what I actually need for a while and get to a place where I'm doing something that has nothing to do with anything (like driving or running or in the shower) and thinking about everything and then realize there's absolutely nothing I can do in any manner whatsoever to bring about the thing I need so badly. And it's at that point that I usually weep out loud the simplest of statements, "Jesus I need ________...!" and that's when the Holy Spirit steps in. Something clicks and I feel myself let go. It's not a formula. It doesn't always happen that my needs are met right then. Especially if I'm in the shower. Or even a week later. Sometimes it takes a long time. But I feel myself let go of the mangled mess that it had become in my mind. And then when that need is met... it's like none other.
When you really, really need something, receiving it is the sweetest thing.
Having experienced this a lot recently, I have a theory now that if you live your life according to the things you need, you'll never be disappointed. There have been so many situations where I've received something and known in my heart that it wasn't right because either I didn't really, really need it at the time or the manner in which it was given / received did not have that sweet, need-being-met-in-a-radical-way kind of feeling. And it's not about the feeling. But it can be a good litmus test for what's actually going on inside, particularly for yours truly. I have a theory that if you live only according to what you really need, everything else is just icing on the cake.
It was Shakespeare who said, "Poor and content is rich, and rich enough." Maybe that's part of what the Bible is trying to get at when it says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit..."
Someday when I meet my husband, it's gonna be awesome. Because that is a need I've been waiting on for a while now... I really need someone out there somewhere with a Y chromosome and a young heart that knows and loves Jesus, has a good mind, a covenant-view of relationships, and a reasonably attractive exterior to invest in Katie both emotionally and financially long-term. Given my parents' divorce, I can tell you it scares the crap out of me, even though I know it's something I really need. And who knows? Maybe it'll be another 5-10 years before I meet someone. Maybe I'll never get married. At this point, I suppose anything's possible. And I'm ok with that. God is a good and faithful God. He'll take care of me in the meantime.
But then someday I'll get to see Jesus. And it will be the sweetest thing.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Mizzou
This is a picture of my friend James, who is the choral director at Carl
Sandburg College up near Chicago and who graciously reads my blog religiously. We were in school together at Mizzou while he did his masters in choral conducting and I was in my latter years as an undergrad. Below, witness his excitement upon
opening the most recent University of Missouri School of Music brochure
to find a picture of you know who...
My hair is definitely shorter in the picture, but yes, it's yours truly. Taken about two years ago in front of the Columns and Jesse Hall, that picture is my pride and joy. I had a former student last year, who was a senior in high school at the time, who received last year's brochure among all the college stuff she was getting in the mail (which featured the same photo) and ask me later if it really was me. HA! Didn't know your piano teacher was actually legit, huh? I love it. Thanks for making my day, old friend! :)
My hair is definitely shorter in the picture, but yes, it's yours truly. Taken about two years ago in front of the Columns and Jesse Hall, that picture is my pride and joy. I had a former student last year, who was a senior in high school at the time, who received last year's brochure among all the college stuff she was getting in the mail (which featured the same photo) and ask me later if it really was me. HA! Didn't know your piano teacher was actually legit, huh? I love it. Thanks for making my day, old friend! :)
focus
My friend Christine and I were talking last night and she said something extremely profound and completely true:
"I think you just really want to have a plan and it's driving you insane that you don't have one."
Sometimes that girl sees straight through me like no one else. She is in a perfect position to do it too because we are so similar but we only see each other about once a week. So she knows everything but isn't sitting too close to the picture. Bless her.
I wish I had a plan. I'm trying to figure out how to live life without a definitive one. And it's driving me crazy.
I finished Don Miller's book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years last night. It was good. Not as good as Searching For God Knows What. That book changed my life. And maybe this one will too, in time. One thing I did get from it is that one way to start living a better story is to start living better practice stories... small goals that you can work toward and accomplish that help give you a taste for what your bigger story is. My problem is that I have a hard time working details together if there's no big picture. Literally, I get stuck in the work process, bogged down by the lack of vision. And that's exactly what's been happening. But God doesn't always give you the big picture. So sometimes you have to help yourself out by setting the small goals you know you can achieve and just working toward those... I guess (?).
It just bothers me a lot because all of a sudden it feels like my story is a story of not having a story. And we all want to have a story, a big-picture vision that is guiding us along, making life meaningful. For the past 20 years, my story was of being in school. That's a long time to be in the same story. And then to make a sudden decision for yourself (last fall) to not continue in that story... well, it's jarring. And then a bunch of other stuff happened after that decision. Big stuff. Life-changing stuff that I won't go into because you can go back and re-read my old posts. I'd like to think that I'm on the precipice of reinventing myself. And the thought that maybe I won't and that maybe there won't be another plan or I won't be able to go back to the original plan scares the you-know-what out of me. But it's silly to think that there won't because there always is, even when we don't see it.
(Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see... this is what the ancients were commended for).
It's like running. I'll be glad when I can get out there again. In the meantime, my story of running crashed into my story of healthcare issues and I'm off the road for a little while, much like my sudden decision to decline my grad school candidacy last fall. And like the lack of school, the lack of running is driving me insane.
But overall, I'm mostly doing ok. Mostly content. Actually starting to be ok with being in St. Louis and doing what I'm doing and not being in Columbia and not being in school. It's pretty great. Which of course makes the larger picture even more hazy because I want to change but then get caught in the contentedness I'm starting to feel. Awesome. Let's be honest, it's a hot mess. I just have to keep telling myself that eventually it'll all come back into focus.
"I think you just really want to have a plan and it's driving you insane that you don't have one."
Sometimes that girl sees straight through me like no one else. She is in a perfect position to do it too because we are so similar but we only see each other about once a week. So she knows everything but isn't sitting too close to the picture. Bless her.
I wish I had a plan. I'm trying to figure out how to live life without a definitive one. And it's driving me crazy.
I finished Don Miller's book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years last night. It was good. Not as good as Searching For God Knows What. That book changed my life. And maybe this one will too, in time. One thing I did get from it is that one way to start living a better story is to start living better practice stories... small goals that you can work toward and accomplish that help give you a taste for what your bigger story is. My problem is that I have a hard time working details together if there's no big picture. Literally, I get stuck in the work process, bogged down by the lack of vision. And that's exactly what's been happening. But God doesn't always give you the big picture. So sometimes you have to help yourself out by setting the small goals you know you can achieve and just working toward those... I guess (?).
It just bothers me a lot because all of a sudden it feels like my story is a story of not having a story. And we all want to have a story, a big-picture vision that is guiding us along, making life meaningful. For the past 20 years, my story was of being in school. That's a long time to be in the same story. And then to make a sudden decision for yourself (last fall) to not continue in that story... well, it's jarring. And then a bunch of other stuff happened after that decision. Big stuff. Life-changing stuff that I won't go into because you can go back and re-read my old posts. I'd like to think that I'm on the precipice of reinventing myself. And the thought that maybe I won't and that maybe there won't be another plan or I won't be able to go back to the original plan scares the you-know-what out of me. But it's silly to think that there won't because there always is, even when we don't see it.
(Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see... this is what the ancients were commended for).
It's like running. I'll be glad when I can get out there again. In the meantime, my story of running crashed into my story of healthcare issues and I'm off the road for a little while, much like my sudden decision to decline my grad school candidacy last fall. And like the lack of school, the lack of running is driving me insane.
But overall, I'm mostly doing ok. Mostly content. Actually starting to be ok with being in St. Louis and doing what I'm doing and not being in Columbia and not being in school. It's pretty great. Which of course makes the larger picture even more hazy because I want to change but then get caught in the contentedness I'm starting to feel. Awesome. Let's be honest, it's a hot mess. I just have to keep telling myself that eventually it'll all come back into focus.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
a million miles
Some days you just hit a wall.
That's what happened to me today. It wasn't as bad as it could've been. Maybe wall isn't the best choice of word... a speed bump perhaps, is a better analogy. Or maybe an iceberg. Something that doesn't seem big but betrays a bigger issue.
So I came home from encountering said speed bump, ate, and convinced myself that I was worth a trip to B&N to buy Don Miller's new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. And then I convinced myself that I was worth wandering next door to Old Navy. And then I convinced myself that I was worth a half-zip performance fleece on sale for $8. So I spent roughly $20 on myself tonight, which I haven't done in a while... since last month I suppose, when I really wanted to go to the Stravinsky extravaganza for opening weekend at the St. Louis Symphony.
I think it's ok to spend $20 on yourself every now and then. Sometimes I really have to tell myself that's ok. Sometimes I have to really tell myself it's ok to spend $5 on myself... I can be really ridiculous about it... come to think of it, I can be really ridiculous about a lot of things...
... but it's a process of self-discovery. That is, discovering that I'm worth something to myself.
Maybe someday I'll convince myself that I'm worth another $20k to go to grad school.
But I think I'm gonna have to wait until I really, really want it. Like tonight when I really wanted this book. Because I knew this book would be so good for me to read... because I knew it would be exactly what I needed. I already know this and I've only read the author's note.
Because when you know, you know. And if you wait until you really, really want something or really, really need it, receiving it is the sweetest thing.
This is what being a [starving] artist has taught me more than anything recently...
... that, and that there's a Christ out there that I thought I knew, but I didn't... not in the way I'm seeing him now.
Because let me just be honest with you: being a starving artist has taught me that I need Jesus. And not the Jesus that was in my head, or the Jesus I had made him out to be (the one I had grown up with and wrestled with all through college thinking I had him [mostly] figured out but for the life of me could not get him to do what I wanted), but the Jesus who came for me and reveals himself to those who have nothing to give in return. That's the one I need. The one who heals us when we can't and saves us from ourselves...
... because when you really, really need something, receiving it is the sweetest thing.
That's what happened to me today. It wasn't as bad as it could've been. Maybe wall isn't the best choice of word... a speed bump perhaps, is a better analogy. Or maybe an iceberg. Something that doesn't seem big but betrays a bigger issue.
So I came home from encountering said speed bump, ate, and convinced myself that I was worth a trip to B&N to buy Don Miller's new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. And then I convinced myself that I was worth wandering next door to Old Navy. And then I convinced myself that I was worth a half-zip performance fleece on sale for $8. So I spent roughly $20 on myself tonight, which I haven't done in a while... since last month I suppose, when I really wanted to go to the Stravinsky extravaganza for opening weekend at the St. Louis Symphony.
I think it's ok to spend $20 on yourself every now and then. Sometimes I really have to tell myself that's ok. Sometimes I have to really tell myself it's ok to spend $5 on myself... I can be really ridiculous about it... come to think of it, I can be really ridiculous about a lot of things...
... but it's a process of self-discovery. That is, discovering that I'm worth something to myself.
Maybe someday I'll convince myself that I'm worth another $20k to go to grad school.
But I think I'm gonna have to wait until I really, really want it. Like tonight when I really wanted this book. Because I knew this book would be so good for me to read... because I knew it would be exactly what I needed. I already know this and I've only read the author's note.
Because when you know, you know. And if you wait until you really, really want something or really, really need it, receiving it is the sweetest thing.
This is what being a [starving] artist has taught me more than anything recently...
... that, and that there's a Christ out there that I thought I knew, but I didn't... not in the way I'm seeing him now.
Because let me just be honest with you: being a starving artist has taught me that I need Jesus. And not the Jesus that was in my head, or the Jesus I had made him out to be (the one I had grown up with and wrestled with all through college thinking I had him [mostly] figured out but for the life of me could not get him to do what I wanted), but the Jesus who came for me and reveals himself to those who have nothing to give in return. That's the one I need. The one who heals us when we can't and saves us from ourselves...
... because when you really, really need something, receiving it is the sweetest thing.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
happy wednesday
I don't know about you, but I need a laugh. The last couple of days I have been a complete snotball. My allergies have been acting up and my sinuses have not been happy about it. It makes for lovely evenings as I stare into the tube, drugged up with a cup of tea and horrendous mornings with the neti pot. I'm barely getting my work done, if that. Awesome, right?
But this morning, my mom posted the following on my facebook wall, which made me feel tremendously better, at least on the inside. This was taken at the Mayo Clinic atrium, where this couple walked in for a check-up and spotted a piano. Totally impromptu. Youtube informs me they've been married 62 yrs and he was 90 at the time this was taken. Boy do I love old people. And man do I love my instrument. Watch and enjoy...
From my cup of tea to yours, Happy Wednesday. Cheers.
But this morning, my mom posted the following on my facebook wall, which made me feel tremendously better, at least on the inside. This was taken at the Mayo Clinic atrium, where this couple walked in for a check-up and spotted a piano. Totally impromptu. Youtube informs me they've been married 62 yrs and he was 90 at the time this was taken. Boy do I love old people. And man do I love my instrument. Watch and enjoy...
From my cup of tea to yours, Happy Wednesday. Cheers.
Monday, October 3, 2011
monday
Found this via a friend of mine on facebook this morning. Have yet to find the original source but word on the street is that it was published by The New Yorker Magazine back in the 70's. Some humor for your Monday Funday...
If only it really were that easy... :)
If only it really were that easy... :)
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