the last 12 ounces

Ok I'm going to blog for real.  For like 10 mins.  And then I'm going to crawl into bed so I can be up at 5 am tomorrow.  Awesome.

But the post... no pictures, no nothing.  Just straight-up Katie...

The last 12 ounces are the hardest.

What I mean by that is this:  for the last six months or so, every day I have been drinking somewhere between 48 and 64 ounces of water.  Because last summer I dehydrated myself something awful and when I finally got in to see a doctor about it, she was dead serious about taking in plenty of water every day.  I did really well with it for the first 3 or 4 months.  But I've leveled out now in my daily water intake.  I can usually down about half a Nalgene (which holds 32 ounces... 36 if you fill it to the top rim) fairly easily.  And then I slowly take in another 8 throughout the afternoon.  By 6 or 7 pm, I'm done teaching and haven't finished off the first Nalgene.  The last 12 ounces are the hardest.  Sometimes I don't finish off the first bottle until I get home around 8 or 9 pm... or later.  And then I have to refill and try to get in another 16 before I hit the sack around 11 pm.  Sometimes I literally sit in bed at the end of the day and suck down 16-20 ounces of water just so I can fill my quota of at least 48 for the day.  And it's all because of the last 12 ounces of the first round.  I always hit a wall at that point.

And that's exactly where I'm at right now in my spring semester.  If I had to divide it out, I've gotten through the first half to 2/3 of all the hard stuff I'm trying to check off my list.  I've knocked out things like a concert, several chapels, a couple of services, and a big huge wedding that I had to play for.  And I've hit the last 12 ounces of the first round.  I have a big vocal audition coming up in two weeks that I have to play for, as well as Easter services in the next week and, well... I'm stuck.  I've hit a wall.  Tonight was the third night in a row I skipped practicing because I'm just exhausted.

So as I was standing there staring into the ice-maker of our fridge, forcing myself to finish the literal last 12 ounces of the first bottle, I realized that this is exactly what's happened to me.

And so I prayed.  In front of the fridge.  As I sucked down water.  Because I've had a horrible attitude lately.  And I'm tired and crabby.  And unmotivated.  I try not to show it too much, since it's pretty unprofessional.  But it's there and it's not very pretty right now.  And I'm not ok with it because I don't feel good when I get to that place.  And I don't get very much accomplished either.  Jesus, please help me finish strong...

It's 10 pm.  And I still have another 16 to go.  Oy...

Nick Smith, track star

My brother is a rookie tracklete.  He's graduating in six or seven weeks and finally in the last semester of his last year of high school decided to go out for a sport:  track.  So many texts went around the family this week to make sure that as many members as possible could be there for his track meet today.  I must say, it was pretty amusing.  But it was a great day and all of us were slightly sunburned the better for it, with a minor case of bleacher brain to boot.

I got some good pictures of him.  He ran in two events (the 4x100 meter relay and the 4x800 meter relay).  His team is not that great... today his relay team tied for 4th place out of 8 or 9 in the 4x100.  And then they got killed in the 4x800 lol.  But it's been a really great experience for him to be a part of.

Anyway, below are some of the best shots.  Grandma will appreciate these... :)

The relay pass...      ...and then we went out for ice cream after it was all over :)

 Awww... :)

for rodolphe

I recently mentioned a painting in conversation with a friend, a painting I had seen on the day of Stuart's wedding... after I'd just played the best wedding of my life and needed to go recharge, that is.  Later that afternoon I'd headed to the art museum and seen this painting during my time there... I was so deep in thought while admiring it that one of the guards seriously startled me when he asked me to step back behind the line.  Anyway, my friend later asked me again about the painting a day or two after our conversation and I couldn't remember either the title or the artist to save my life.  So I went back yesterday to take pictures, since you know, I've been a little camera-happy the last few days.

What is particularly striking about this is the camel skeleton in the foreground, which is what I was so anxious to see up close.  Also notice the one star in the distance watching over the Egyptian tombs and the setting sun.  Dillon's formation of clouds is also quite extraordinary.  The painting in general seriously reminds me of Aida, both in its Romantic nature, as well as its exoticism.  Truly beautiful, though not at all authentic... and by that, I mean highly stylized in its artistic qualities.  This painting is also in its original frame, which I found to be quite striking and interesting, given its unusual structure.

Sorry that the first picture is slightly crooked... I was a little rushed on my way to teach.

  

 

spring in the lou, part II

Boy, do I have a surprise for you...

So today I realized that I have worked every day for the last 10 days straight.  Things have been a little intense around here.  So instead of going to the practice room today after rehearsal (per my recent usual routine), I finished up at Lutheran, grabbed some lunch and headed for the garden... the Missouri Botanical Garden, that is.  It is, hands down, one of my favorite parts of St. Louis.  It's one of the reasons I love this city.  And holy cow, the sights that awaited me there.  I spent an hour an a half and unfortunately my camera battery died early.  Luckily I had the charger with me, so of course every 15-20 mins or so I was off to find another electrical outlet to rejuice enough to get me through another couple of shots.  But it was an adventure and a completely therapeutic one at that.

Anyway, I won't keep you any longer.  You should just know that apparently I have a thing for tulips... big time.  I practically had a tulip-gasm when I walked into the bulb garden.  It made me feel like a schoolgirl all over again.

I loved this display of white double tulips and dark purple ones.  So, so gorgeous.  The white feels a little overexposed in this lighting, but in person the effect was quite dramatic.

I know, I know... it's a little overkill.  The bulb garden, that is... but hopefully you believe me when I say that words just wouldn't do it justice.  Eventually I pulled myself away and headed over to the Japanese garden... (I also realize now that the tree I failed to properly identify yesterday is a Japanese cherry tree.  Pfft, flowering pear.  Good call, Katie...)

I believe the tree in the foreground is a Japanese cherry tree and the one in the background is a dogwood.  But I mean, when it's that beautiful, who really cares?  I've also been known to make misnomers among certain flowering trees in my day...

Same trees, different angle.  You can also see the azaleas in full bloom down in the right corner.

... oh yeah, and there were also lilacs, azaleas, phlox, peonies, and a few irises blooming.  "Incredible" barely scratches the surface.  Best drugs ever for this tired pianist is more like it.

Again, mind... blown...

spring in the Lou

Spring has come to St. Louis, and not just a little.  Rather than peeking its timid head in per usual, it burst through the door this year, ready to paint the town red... or pink, rather.  But seriously, it is unreal.  Missouri has never seen a spring this gorgeous or flamboyant in my lifetime.  The trees are out-of-this-world phenomenal and all the flowers are out.  Early ones, late ones... it's ridiculous.  And it's still only March.

I do not claim to be a photographer.  I don't even own a camera.  I had to borrow my mom's because I wanted to be able to post pictures of this remarkable and memorable season for years to come.  Anyway, below are some of the highlights I was able to take around town between rehearsals and teaching.  I will try and post more tomorrow.  There is a particular redbud in my neighbor's yard that I'd still like to get to before the blooms go away...

blossoms from my mom's apple tree in Old Monroe... I guess I technically took this yesterday.

 Dogwood blossoms in the neighboring yard of one of my students yesterday.

Ok, I really am not sure what kind of tree this is... I wanna say flowering pear?

And for the pièce de resistance...

... there is a whole bed of these at the entrance to Forest Park off Skinker, right across from Wash U and Forsyth.  They are absolutely breathtaking -- and this, even a few days too late.  I drove by them Sunday and they were absolutely perfect.  You can see here that they're on their way out... maybe another day or two.  Or three if we're lucky.

I went back later tonight after I got done teaching, thinking the light might be better...

I also caught this one while at a stoplight on my way to the practice room.  It's extremely blurry, but you can see how big some of the lilac bushes are around here... and they are all out blooming.  Such a treat.

I will post more tomorrow.  Literally, I've spent my days driving around St. Louis between students and rehearsals, having my mind blown over and over again by beauty.  Wish I could've snapped a picture of the giant magnolia in front of the Presbyterian church on Delmar when it was in full bloom.  Holy. cow.

slso

Check out the NY Times review of the SLSO's performance at Carnegie. One of the reasons I love David Robertson: "calmly reasoned, artful readings" and "inventive programming." YES. Thank you, sir. So much I appreciate about that both at home and on the road: this is what we're about here. Ah, love it ♥

Click HERE to access the review.

I should've painted my toenails tonight.  I know I will regret this decision tomorrow when it's 70 degrees and I have to wear real shoes yet again...

... but instead I made chocolate chip pancakes and listened to Strauss and thought about life.

And then I listened to Strauss again.  And it was just as wonderful the second time.  And it made me happy and sad all at the same time. 

So now I'm going to hop in the tub and wade through more of Dickens and go to bed.  For it has been a very long weekend indeed.

Feierlicher Einzug

This was the first piece of prelude music for Stuart and Courtney's wedding with brass quartet from Auburn, Stuart's cousin on organ, and Ryan Borden on timpani from Mizzou.  Oh yeah, and one of the groomsmen conducted.  Holy cow, I cried.

Hard act to follow... this is the best interpretation I could find on youtube that was closest to what the guys created on Saturday.  It was... (for lack of a better word) incredible.

Feierlicher Einzug der Ritter des Johanniter-Ordens (Solemn Entrance of the Knights of the Holy Order of St. John) by Richard Strauss.

"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you odd." - Flannery O'Connor

purple

It's 11 pm on a Thursday evening.  I didn't get home until 9 tonight.  Why can't I just unwind within an hour and go to bed?  I don't understand this about myself.  Probably one of those things I need to just come to terms with and learn to embrace, rather than try to change.

And at this point, my brain is muddled with a lot of... whatever. 

I almost forgot to stop and get food tonight.  Tomorrow morning's breakfast would've been really, really boring.  Oatmeal.  By itself... mer :/  But with sliced, fresh strawberries... holy cow.

Right now, each day is a battle.  Overall, I've been dealing with everything ok.  But I don't want to speak too soon, lest I jinx myself.  Any minute now, I expect a full meltdown.  It's bound to happen at some point in the near future.

I keep chipping away at the insanity.  After this weekend, I will have knocked out Stuart and Courtney's wedding and will then turn my attention to Easter and my friend Jen's vocal audition.  Sigh.  Breathe.  Repeat.

Also a lesson I learned today:  you need to do what's good for you.  Not what's good for anyone else.  Not what you think they want you to do.  Don't worry about trying to save face.  You can let people wonder.  For all you care, Katie, you can let them think they're better than you if it matters that much to them.  Because it doesn't matter that much to you.  You know you're a competent musician and you don't need the expectations of anyone else placed on you... you do that to yourself enough as it is.  And don't let them corner you either.  Some people are really good at that.  Tell them what you can or can't do up front and don't back down.  Someday when Future You has similar issues, tell her to come back to this blog post and remember the organ-piano duet fiasco of 2012 and how that went down... sadly, not pretty, although I did come out victorious (meaning I got out of additional, unforeseen work that would've made this weekend even more stressful) after, of course, several fumbled negotiations on my end...

What is it that Kermit the Frog always says?

It's not easy being green.

I'll be glad when I'm like... purple.  Or something.

Sometimes you get to see people, but you don't actually get to see them.  I hate that.  Especially when you were really looking forward to their presence...

And disappointment is hard to deal with when you've already overextended yourself.

My heart needs Jesus.  And a long sleep.  The piano monkey has played for other people one too many times this week...

the truth about piano lessons

Excellent article concerning the truth about piano lessons.  Find it HERE.

Q:  Where are musicians employed, if not in the church, the public/private school systems, or the university?

A:  They're not.

I don't want to work for the church or a pre-college school.  I would say that it looks like I need to get my doctorate but more and more people are getting higher degrees and not finding positions at universities.  Sigh...

Anyone got any answers?

broken cisterns

Tonight I called it an early night... early being 8 pm.  I probably should've gone back to the practice rooms at Wash U (where I have recently relocated my piano cave, thanks to my teacher who's a professor there) but in all honesty, I quit early so I could catch up on my personal life.  I hadn't bought groceries in a week. Tomorrow there would've been no coffee.  Seeing as how my professional life can't handle that, I felt it necessary to attend to smaller matters.  Other things I hadn't done in a week:  laundry (which is normal), blogged, or cooked.  I also took all the clothes that had been sitting in my car for the last two and a half weeks to the resale shop AND finally folded the ginormous basket of laundry that was sitting in my room, you know... the one from the ski trip to Colorado a month ago.  Yeah, that one.  Things have been crazy... I've been a little distracted.  Lent is a hard time of year for musicians.  It feels like hell.

Sunday I went to Columbia to see my counselor, Lynn.  It was really good... we talked about a lot of things.  That's how it is sometimes when I go see her.  This last time I didn't even know what we were going to talk about, I just knew I needed to go... mainly because a friend had told me that I needed to go.  Anyway, our sessions always start out with me talking a lot.  Exhibit A:  "I have this piece of crap that I'm dealing with... oh yeah and then there's this... which takes me further back to THAT..."  and somehow she always manages to pull all the loose ends together in the end with me, sitting there with a heart that remembers it needs Jesus.  This last time, I remember now, it was me telling her about the girls' night incident, and telling her how busy I am, and how I get so stressed out but that I never see anyone when I'm stressed out because I go into the piano cave for extended periods, and stuff about the family, and feeling really overwhelmed with everything I'm dealing with as someone who still feels very much like a child, and wondering how in the world we make it through this life without placing incredibly heavy emotional burdens on the people we love.  Because that is my tendency... I think it's all of our tendency.  When we feel like we're drowning, we grasp at the other people around us.  But they're not a lifeboat.  They're not even a buoy.  They're drowning too, unfortunately.  The only one who isn't, who has the power to save us from the mess is Jesus... and it's the person of Jesus, the one described by the word pictures in John... the one I've been studying this last year, but have gotten so far behind in my study that I needed to be reminded directly by my counselor.  "When you look around you and nothing is satisfying you, it's because you've gotten off-track somehow.  You've forgotten that it's a relationship with the person of Jesus that brings fulfillment.  For every physical need that we have, he presents himself to us as the spiritual fulfillment of that need."  That's what Lynn said.

He is the Bread of Life, the Living Water.

You can't suck life from things that are dead.  And unfortunately, we humans... even Christ-followers, we are not in glory yet, and therefore, still dead.  It's the weird tension between the already and the not yet.  So when I start grasping at my mom emotionally, or wanting Girlfriend A to respond in a certain way, or wondering why I'm dissatisfied with certain parts of my job, etc... it's because somewhere along the way I've forgotten that they're not the thing that saves me from myself and the mess of this world.  Jesus does.

Anyway, I didn't mean for this post to take the soapbox turn that it did, but eh... if you're one of the few that reads this, I figure you probably don't mind.  Besides, this is part of my way of mulling over things.

Lynn and I talked about some other things too, but in the end, mostly about how the Christian life is a battle of remembering that there's a reason we're unified with Christ... it's because through the person of Jesus, we have access to the Father in every possible way.  And the battle is in the walk... because half the time we forget or substitute something less glorious or fulfilling and decide we don't need him after all.  And then we've really screwed ourselves over for the time being, until somehow in his grace, he calls us back and gives us the desire to want him after all.

Seriously... thank God for that.

And if you're a dear friend reading this and I haven't talked to you in a while... you should know that you're loved and missed.  Come see me in my piano cave some time.  It's quite cozy.    

megan

Tonight I had the wonderful, surprising good fortune to be able to go see my friend Megan.  Both of our lives are crazy right now so it's a complete and utter treat when we mutually abandon the craziness for an hour and half to encourage each other to keep fighting the good fight.  I probably should have been practicing, but there comes a point where you need to be with people.  I think I reached that point several days ago and have been prolonging the agony since then...

... and as we were catching each other up on the sequence of events since last Wednesday when we saw each other, a lot of things came together for me.  Because even though Megan is a year or two younger than me, she's had a lot more experience in settling into the real world, something that I am still trying to grasp hold of, contrary to the popular belief that I have it all together.

In a nutshell, what I realized was this:  there are a lot of things that I keep trying to control (in one way or another) that I simply have no control over.  Similarly, there are a lot of things that I am concerned about that suck energy from me that I have absolutely no power to do anything about, other than to pray and give a sympathetic (yet distant) ear.  And as much as I hate this, as much as I feel like it's selfish, the alternative (to give and give and give)... well, there's a point where I have nothing more to give to either myself or the things I actually have to take responsibility for.  And then I crash.  And it's not pretty... not pretty at all.

Anyway, we were talking about a number of different things... etc, etc.  So much has happened in the past couple of weeks, both logistically and emotionally and I was telling Megan that I feel very much alone in having to deal with all of it and I have no idea how to do it successfully.  I was also telling her about an incident recently that really injured me... a girlfriend who, in what was very likely the best of intentions, gave a sympathetic ear in the form of a ridiculous comment that still echoes in the back of my mind.  It happened during "girls' night" last week -- a place where I should have been able to safely talk about things I'm dealing / struggling with.  And it was horrible and I cried the entire way home, but I've thankfully realized some things since then...

Yes, I need to be listened to on a regular basis.  I take in a lot, both verbally and non-verbally.  I absorb a lot of other people's emotions, as well as the emotions of situations, and I have to be able to get that back out at some point before I'm eaten alive with problems that aren't my own or problems that don't even exist  (it's why a dear friend of mine pushed me to contact my counselor again recently...).  But the problem isn't that I don't have a husband.  Yes, I need to be listened to regularly... but not necessarily by a husband, rather by someone who has no emotional stake in me whatsoever.  I would need to see my counselor on a regular basis, even if I were married.  The problem isn't that I'm not married or that I don't have a supportive husband to come home to at night.  The problem is that I have problems.  And the problem is that everyone else around me has problems too... the problem is that we live in a broken world.  And I can't take on the problems of the world, much as I would like to think that I can.

Megan talked about what her counselor had told her when she was seeing him a few years ago -- about the sphere of responsibility and control.  There is a sphere -- my sphere -- of things which I have to take responsibility for and have control over changing them.  Things like paying my bills, taking care of myself emotionally/physically/spiritually, and doing the things I say I'm going to do -- like accompany the choirs at Lutheran High, teach my students to the best of my ability, and prepare for lessons with Prof. Burkhart when I schedule them with her.  Playing for Stuart and Courtney's wedding also falls under this category, and so I will prepare as much as possible for that event two weeks from now.  But then there are other things that I need to stop worrying about, which I have absolutely no control over... things I totally take responsibility for all the time, which I have no business taking responsibility for whatsoever.  We'll call it the "things I'm concerned about" category.  And let me just say that this category is ridiculously out of balance... under it fall things like caring what people think, absorbing other people's emotions -- or worse, taking them on myself for them.  Ugh.  I totally do that.  Why do I do that???  I think it's probably one of those instances where my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness.  And then there are other things... things like overanalyzing.  The list goes on and on.  And yes, some of this is normal and good.  In general, concern is a healthy thing.  It leads to change -- sometimes -- and normally, you're concerned because you care, which is a good thing.  But I know that too often, I err on the side of ridiculous.  And I know that I could be a lot healthier and a lot happier if I just let a bunch of it go.  I realize now that I have no control over many of these things... things like the health and well-being of my family members.  I love them so very, very much... but they have their own lives.  And in some sense, it's time I stopped worrying about their problems, which are just as messy as mine, and let them worry about them instead.  Or things like the emotional well-being of certain girlfriends who are also single.  As much as I see their pain and feel it too, there's nothing I can do for them other than to pray that God brings the right person into their life and offer to set them up on a date if possible.  Wow.  How's that for a reality-check??

There's a reason that Megan and I are such good friends.  We have a lot in common.  We both come from crazy families (and I mean that in the best way possible).  We're both introverts.  We're both extremely artistic... she's a photographer, I'm a musician.  You could even say that we both have a little bit of a hipster side.  She shows hers outwardly a little more than I do mine.  But it's still there, nonetheless.  We both have a fair amount of sarcasm, skepticism, and irony built into us by the stories that our lives have shaped us to be.  And of course, we both have a deep faith that relies on the Lord for everything, yet still realizes there's a human component in all of this...  But when I know her story like I do and she sits there across from me in a Starbucks on an unseasonably warm Wednesday evening and tells me from her experience that she's just learned that there are certain things in her realm of concern that she's had to learn to let go, I have no choice but to realize that I need to do the same thing... lest I actually become the crazy person I feel like I am sometimes.

And yes, I'm still going to see Lynn.  She will probably have a lot more to add to all this.  Plus, I'll have someone to talk to who doesn't have an emotional stake in me, which is a really good thing... because no one person can handle all this.  The only one who can handle it all is Christ.  And let's be honest:  logistically, he's hard to talk to sometimes and get a straight answer.  I've lived the life of Katie long enough to know that I just come with a big load emotionally...

... even if I were married, I would still need help from the outside.  Probably more so.

“Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” -G.K. Chesterton

3 students + 3 superior ratings + 1 music festival over = 1 happy piano mama

Now just 3 school performances, 1 wedding, and a vocal graduate audition to go.  For those not in the loop yet, these are all things I have to play for... and oh yeah, the rest of Lent and Easter.

Slowly chipping away at my spring craziness...

... anyone seen my cave lately??

This morning I stood at my kitchen window, opened a new bag of coffee, and inhaled deeply for a good 30 seconds. It was bliss. All the activity in my life right now makes me think something needs to be happening or I should be hearing from someone all the time. I'm oversatiated. I hate that. I need a time out... with my bag of coffee.