alive and well: first days

Hello again, Reader!  I decided I may use my blog periodically to (sort of) document my thoughts and progress as I make my way through graduate school.  Below you will find a picture of me on my first day at Washington University.  This was on Monday of this week and it made a killing on Facebook:  over 50 people liked it!  That is a lot for me.  Mostly I think people do not pay attention to what I post, because it is usually some New York Times article about the state of education in this country or some random gluten-free recipe.  But, this was me, on a very hot first day of graduate school:

It was insanely bright and hot that morning, even at 9:30 am, and in the 10 minutes it took me to park illegally, run up the steps to Brookings, and snap this selfie, I probably sweated at minimum a bucket's worth of bodily fluids.  Gross.  Jacob always says I'm a charmer.  Now you know :)

Anyway, it is only Wednesday as I type this, but for all practical purposes, my first week of school is over.  I have classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, with occasional observations on Tuesday afternoons.  I am very thankful to have Thursdays and Fridays reserved for teaching, practicing, and homework only.  Already I love that part of my schedule.

I am a little overwhelmed -- not as much as I expected -- although I have to tell you that I expected to die in my first week (no joke).  The good news is:  I haven't died!  We'll see if I live to tell the tale of Week 2 or not, but in the meantime, I feel like I'm managing ok.  That is definitely the word to use though:  managing.  I told my mom on the phone today that I will always have my fingers plugging multiple holes over the next two years.  Actually, my fingers will be on the keys, but I digress.  I'm only taking three classes, but am considered full time for graduate status, so take from that what you will.  If that doesn't tell you what you need to know, then I will tell you that on our first day of Analysis (i.e. music theory at the graduate level), we covered three-key expositions in a late Schubert sonata.  There are also only five people in that class and I am one of two masters students (the others are doctoral candidates in theory and musicology) and I'm also the only girl.  We'll have an analysis assignment due every class, not to turn in, but to discuss and, in a class of five... well... you can't hide.

Some of the best advice given to me before the semester started (by both Dr. Budds and Tiffany) was to take three classes and only three classes my first semester and I am already thanking my lucky stars that I followed their sage advice.  I will also have accompanying for my ensemble credit, but I am so incredibly thankful I decided not to take another academic class on top of all this.

My pedagogy class, observations, and lessons will be just what I need as a pianist and a teacher, I think.  In my readings and practicing I'm already a little overwhelmed (not a ton, mind you), but more inwardly.  I think this was one of my major downfalls during undergrad -- push, push, push.  I am so one of those who wants to exceed expectations at the expense of my own satisfaction and enjoyment... like, detrimentally.  I realized earlier tonight that the best thing I can do for myself as both a teacher and a pianist is to enjoy this time.  I love school.  I love learning and I love becoming better at things.  But honestly that grade drives me beyond what it should, which means (and I think Jacob would probably agree... for that matter my mom and sister too) I probably need to relax a little... ?  Not in the sense of shirking my homework, but I think I tend to expect too much of myself -- or more than what's required anyway.  Like, way more than what's required.  Especially in my head, which just leads to exhaustion and burnout.  Blech.  Who needs that??

(If you're wondering just how much I overachieve, I can tell you that for Analysis today, we had to analyze a Haydn Minuet and Trio, look over the discussion questions, and come prepared to discuss our answers.  Yours truly provided almost a complete harmonic and form analysis, typed up her answers to the discussion questions, and printed them out in case he wanted them turned in.)

But this is something I'm doing for myself!  And I think that will be a really helpful perspective to keep in mind.  I'm doing this for me and my students:  the best thing I can do is enjoy it, because I know that so much of my inspiration as a musician and teacher comes when I love what I'm working on.  The rest just sort of falls into place when that happens.

Anyway, that's all for now.  It's been a good week.  There's a lot of work to be done and my days are full, but I think it will be good.  I think I will probably not die during Week 2, although the verdict is definitely still out.

Also, if you happen to be in St. Louis and randomly see me in the supermarket weeks from now and I look like I'm about to have a breakdown... remind me to come back and read this post.  That would probably be helpful.

Love, Katie Beth  

all clear on the western front

Been awhile since my last post, and it may be another while before my next.  Looking back, it's been almost exactly 14 months since I last wrote on this blog.  A lot of things have happened.  A lot has changed, although some has stayed the same.  I gave my first recital since the end of my undergraduate career this past weekend.  It was fun and delightful and it amazes me how much I didn't struggle with nerves and anxiety like I used to.  I owe a lot to my teacher for that.  She not only helped me learn to let go of mistakes more easily, but she's taught me how to prepare better.  She is, undoubtedly, the first teacher I've ever worked my ass off for so diligently.  I hope I'm just like her some day.  Except she doesn't ever curse.  Like ever.  I'll have to work on that one... maybe.

My sister is getting married exactly one month from today.  Boy, is that crazy.  There was a time when that thought would have really depressed me, but it doesn't.  I'm just uber-happy for her and Will.  They totally deserve each other in all the best possible ways and he has been the best brother-in-law-to-be I could ask for during their dating career.  I know they will take care of each other and I'm thrilled for both of them.

Jacob and I are still together.  We celebrated a year of dating in April.  I am so beyond blessed to be dating such a man.  He is so good and sweet to me, not to mention wildly hilarious.  I never thought I could be so happy.  We celebrated the (almost)-end-of-the-school-year by going to Chicago in early May for a weekend, complete with a Cards-Cubs game and trips to three different museums.  He then stayed home from camp this summer to take classes and although surprised, I was infinitely thankful to have him here with me.  We've enjoyed an unseasonably cool summer in the Lou together going to ballgames, Shakespeare in the Park, concerts on the lawn, evening walks, movies at the local theatres, and eating our share of crêpes at the City Coffeehouse.  I love spending time with that boy.

All that to say, I start my graduate degree in less than a month.  Right now, I am in the worst scheduling nightmare you can possibly imagine, trying to figure out how to fit in classes and lessons, weekly pedagogy observations, two different accompanying commitments, and nine private students.  A few weeks ago I lost about three students in the span of 2 or 3 days and almost immediately forgot about the lost income, so thankful I was to have less to worry about in terms of time management.  I knew this disaster was coming.  I even thought I was mostly prepared.  I was not.  If I can figure out how to balance three academic classes along with the rest of the above, and still find time to sleep and be with my boyfriend, I will be a happy girl.  I know it can happen, I just need a little... magic ;)

(... although something tells me such magic may include getting up at 5 or 6 every morning)... we shall see, though.  I'm determined to get at least 7 hrs of sleep each night.  And I think I will have to be seriously vigilant about saying no to some things.

My brother leaves tomorrow for his junior year of college.  It blows my mind that he will be a junior this year.  My sister and I have all but forced him to sign a contract promising to stay home next summer when he turns 21.  After being out of the country for his previous two birthdays, we feel pretty justified in this request.  But he is still in the midst of an international studies degree and on the whole, happy and well.  We had a major philosophical discussion the other day and I think it sort of ruffled his feathers realizing how strangely different we are, despite having grown up in the same house.  I remember having those kinds of conversations in college though, which is probably how we ended up being so different after all ;)  I secretly hope he has many more in the next few years.  It makes me feel old to say so, but I think it's easy to forget just how formative those years are.

But I think the thing that amazes me the most about the difference between this summer and last summer (at least in myself) is my age, or maybe dare-I-say... maturity?  Not that I have my life together by any means, but it's just different now.  Some of the whimsy is gone, I know, along with some of the cynicism, replaced with a no-nonsense practicality and a "taking care of business" attitude.  I don't think I'd go classify myself as a Nike poster girl by any means, but this year has taught me a lot about what I actually want and how to assert myself, which is something I've never been good at... and about what narcissism and self-analysis will get you, which is a lot of angst with a side of work left undone.  I even had to force myself to write this tonight just to keep things documented and somewhat up-to-date.  But when all is said and done, the minutia of daily life probably won't change the world.  I think for a long time, I really wanted it to.  I really wanted all the small, silly, goofy, stupid, mind-blowing, and meaningful things of my life to help make someone (or everyone) else's world a better place.  But my world isn't yours.  Documenting it may brighten someone's day, but the sheer volume is likely more often overwhelming than not.  I think it's the little things that all add up to the person you actually are that helps make this world a better place, if that's how you choose to live anyway.

Some people have an innate gift for filtering the good things and sharing them in a way that is attractive, visible, and meaningful.  But I am not one of those people.  I do not need to live and die by the approval of the online community, nor am I a good storyteller, neither am I great at remembering to document or photograph things regularly.  I think I decided somewhere back about nine or ten months ago that I didn't need to do that anymore -- not like I used to anyway.  I think I decided that it was more important to protect myself, my thoughts, and my loved ones from online intrusion and the burden of documentation and just go live my life.

Anyway, reader, thanks for stopping in.  All that to say, all clear on the western front.  Be seeing you.