I'm going to get to see a doctor!!!! For free!!!!
No, this is not for the pap I need. I will get that taken care of soon, though, hopefully...
In addition to being 25 and needing a womanly visit, I've been struggling with GI issues for the last two months or so... really, years but I've been able to control most of it through a gluten-free diet. But this issue has recently resurfaced again in the last two months and not just in an ok-what-do-we-change-to-get-rid-of-it sort of way but more like a yeah-I-should-probably-see-someone-about-that-pronto sort of way. I went to urgent care about six weeks ago but the NP's prescription was really just a band-aid for the immediate issue... in all likelihood there's probably more going on. And I've been scared like crazy thinking that I was going to incur thousands of dollars in medical bills if I was actually seen by a specialist. But I applied for Mercy's financial assistance program and found out the other day I was approved for 100% aid for the urgent care visit... thank God, literally. I was so relieved. And after multiple attempts of looking into a number of different options, with both the pap and this and calling about a bazillion different health care providers and trying to get into clinics or apply for Medicaid (which, turns out you only qualify for if you are pregnant and single, disabled, or under the age of 19 and without insurance), I finally found out that if I called the GI specialists through Mercy hospitals, I could get in to see one of them for free since I'd qualified for their charity program. And if I need anything done for it, it's all covered except for services that aren't provided through St. John's. But we're hoping it isn't that severe...
It. is. a God-send. I cried after I got off the phone with them... literally, wept out loud with relief and gratitude. She scheduled me for an appointment for next Wednesday.
I get to see a doctor. And soon.
I could weep again now just thinking about it.
I feel like the woman who believed that if she just touched the hem of Jesus' cloak, she would be healed...
... and I find the whole thing extremely fitting, seeing that in a very direct and tangible way, the Catholic Church is taking care of my healthcare needs when nobody else will. You see, over half of my students come from extremely strong Catholic families. In a manner of speaking, I'm pruning future musicians for them, even though their healthcare system and the greater Catholic Church of St. Louis doesn't have a clue and probably won't reap the benefits of it for years. It's totally God working in and through the circumstances in a really ironic and meaningful series of events. But it turns out that the Sisters of Mercy really are what they say they are. And I could not be more grateful.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
coffee
Really interesting article from NPR that my friend Savannah posted on my facebook page about women fighting depression with caffeine. If you've been keeping up with me for any time at all whatsoever, you've come to realize just how true this actually is. It's also how I fight my ADD tendencies. I seriously wish someone would've clued me in to the glories of a little caffeine earlier in my life... it might've made my time in undergrad a little easier. But it's changed my life since then and it helped me make it through my last year at Mizzou, especially when I was up at 5 am every day finishing my research those last couple of weeks. So from my cup to yours as you read the following: Cheers.
To access this fantastic article, which is totally worth the 10 mins max it'll take to read it, Click HERE.
To access this fantastic article, which is totally worth the 10 mins max it'll take to read it, Click HERE.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
tally sheets
Found this article compliments of Dr. Chris Foley's twitter feed, who is a faculty member at the Royal Conservatory. He tweets awesome stuff so if you're a musician and you're on twitter, you should totally follow him. He also has a collaborative piano blog which is completely awesome and totally legit. He is, in a manner of speaking, the real deal.
And sometime in the last 24 hrs he tweeted an article that links to the blog of composer Aaron Gervais, who is also completely awesome and totally legit. I highly recommend the article below, as it is fantastic food for thought for musicians of all kinds -- composers, performers, and teachers alike. Not to mention parents and mentors of starving artists (cue Mom haha!).
"Why Composers Should Drop Out of University, etc..."
I could seriously spend all day reading his stuff, because his philosophical views on the arts are so right on the money -- balanced, yet realistic.
I'm still lost on the whole whether to go back to school issue or not. Unfortunately there seems to be a tally sheet in my head of "Reasons to Go To Grad School" and "Reasons Not to Go Back So Soon" and both sides are continually tied, leaving my brain in a perpetual state of indecision. Awesome.
But what I do know is this (taken from our sermon at Central today): "So then, if you know the good you ought to do and don't do it, you sin." (James 4:17)
Or better yet [paraphrased]: If you know the good you should do, then go and do it for Heaven's sake!
My sermon notes tell me to regularly sit down for 10 mins, breathe, think of all the things that I know I need to be doing (things that are good for me and for others... things that are healthy and proactive and productive and beneficial), make a list, and then go do them. I think it's a fabulous idea. Our pastor is a genius. Or the Lord just tells him exactly what to say to get through to my restless heart. Thank God he does the good he knows to do :)
And even though everything is nice and gray and unclear right now concerning my future, what is clear is that I need to continually practice. Because it makes me feel good and enables me to be a better pianist/teacher/collaborative artist. It is so easy to get caught up in everything else I'm doing as a musician trying to eek out a living and ignore my own stuff. So here's to practicing and not worrying too much about school... at least for another day or two.
- To find Dr. Chris Foley's collaborative piano blog, click here: http://collaborativepiano.blogspot.com/
- To find Aaron Gervais' music philosophy and composition blog, click here: http://aarongervais.com/
And sometime in the last 24 hrs he tweeted an article that links to the blog of composer Aaron Gervais, who is also completely awesome and totally legit. I highly recommend the article below, as it is fantastic food for thought for musicians of all kinds -- composers, performers, and teachers alike. Not to mention parents and mentors of starving artists (cue Mom haha!).
"Why Composers Should Drop Out of University, etc..."
I could seriously spend all day reading his stuff, because his philosophical views on the arts are so right on the money -- balanced, yet realistic.
I'm still lost on the whole whether to go back to school issue or not. Unfortunately there seems to be a tally sheet in my head of "Reasons to Go To Grad School" and "Reasons Not to Go Back So Soon" and both sides are continually tied, leaving my brain in a perpetual state of indecision. Awesome.
But what I do know is this (taken from our sermon at Central today): "So then, if you know the good you ought to do and don't do it, you sin." (James 4:17)
Or better yet [paraphrased]: If you know the good you should do, then go and do it for Heaven's sake!
My sermon notes tell me to regularly sit down for 10 mins, breathe, think of all the things that I know I need to be doing (things that are good for me and for others... things that are healthy and proactive and productive and beneficial), make a list, and then go do them. I think it's a fabulous idea. Our pastor is a genius. Or the Lord just tells him exactly what to say to get through to my restless heart. Thank God he does the good he knows to do :)
And even though everything is nice and gray and unclear right now concerning my future, what is clear is that I need to continually practice. Because it makes me feel good and enables me to be a better pianist/teacher/collaborative artist. It is so easy to get caught up in everything else I'm doing as a musician trying to eek out a living and ignore my own stuff. So here's to practicing and not worrying too much about school... at least for another day or two.
- To find Dr. Chris Foley's collaborative piano blog, click here: http://collaborativepiano.blogspot.com/
- To find Aaron Gervais' music philosophy and composition blog, click here: http://aarongervais.com/
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Jim
On what would have been Jim Henson's 75th birthday, we remember him with one of the most poignant photos I have found on the internet, compliments of Twitter. I have no idea where it came from but I'll cite the url below it.
Thank you so much for everything you did during your time here, Mr. Henson. You wouldn't believe how much you shaped my sense of humor and intellect as a little girl. You created smart, sophisticated art that even the youngest of Americans could appreciate and learn from. Even still, your characters illicit some of my biggest laughs. I sincerely hope you're dancing with many more Muppets on streets of gold, sir. Cheers.
(URL: http://nastyhobbit.org/data/media/7/kermit-jim-henson.jpg)
Thank you so much for everything you did during your time here, Mr. Henson. You wouldn't believe how much you shaped my sense of humor and intellect as a little girl. You created smart, sophisticated art that even the youngest of Americans could appreciate and learn from. Even still, your characters illicit some of my biggest laughs. I sincerely hope you're dancing with many more Muppets on streets of gold, sir. Cheers.
(URL: http://nastyhobbit.org/data/media/7/kermit-jim-henson.jpg)
Friday, September 23, 2011
the system
This morning was one of those days when you put a lot of effort into something, hoping there will be a return in the future... but no guarantees. This used to happen to me every now and then during undergrad. For instance, I would spend half a day filling out an application for a scholarship or run all over campus doing administrative junk in the hopes of churning out one of three things: a. money, b. services for whatever or whomever I was trying to help (if not myself), or c. information. These situations always suck, they are never fun, and in the end you usually feel defeated, having received nothing immediately in return for your hard efforts. They are always a hassle and usually a gamble at that. Alas, a necessary evil...
What I'm going to talk about in this post will be very real and downright authentic. If you are potentially adverse to taboo subjects or if you are perhaps uncomfortable reading about things less genteel or language of a certain nature, you should stop reading here. I will do my best to write gracefully, but what happened this morning is worth repeating because it bears witness to larger issues in our culture right now that need to be dealt with by someone bigger than me who has more power and a gracious heart. I hope in some small way my story helps someone else reap a benefit later on.
What happened is this: my roommate Halley, who is a gem of a human being and one of the most caring nurses I've ever met ever tried to get me into her clinic this morning for a women's health appointment. I haven't had a regular doctor in years. Literally, years. I'm a healthy, happy, self-employed 25-yr-old and when necessary, I see my counselor or buy some OTCs. That's about the extent of it. I don't have health insurance because I simply don't have the money for it. I make next to nothing in the name of arts education and my money is better spent buying groceries and gas and paying rent rather than sending it in to an insurance company on a regular basis so I can have the option to pay an additional $40 to see a doctor or perhaps a $2500 deductible (or more!) in the event of an emergency. I hardly ever see a doctor because I take care of myself (for the most part) and trust the Lord to provide what I really need, when I really need it. It's a faith walk, yes, but people have been living for hundreds of years without health insurance and maybe they didn't live into their mid-90's but all I have to say to that is this: Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Take me home whenever.
But I have yet to take care of the womanly issue. I've never seen the necessity of it since I'm not sexually active. But 25 is pretty old to have never seen anyone about this issue and after months of conversation about everything involved (fears, reasons not to, lack of insurance, etc), Halley assured me that I could probably be seen at the clinic she works at for a nominal fee or possibly nothing, since I don't have insurance and could probably apply for Medicaid through the clinic and be covered. I shuddered at the thought of being admitted into the system but when you need something, you ask for help if you can't do it yourself. So you do what you have to do. I laid my fears aside and made the appointment.
Sounds nice, right?
What happened instead basically amounted to a clusterbleeck. By that I mean it was a series of unfortunate events in which I felt completely defeated by the system yet again, when I am in fact one of those people who genuinely need its help and don't have a sense of entitlement about it. I was raised by a member of the vast right-wing conspiracy. My dad danced in the street when he found out I voted Republican after I turned 18. I'm not a supporter of big government, but neither am I ok with what we have now. I've come to believe that Biblical Christians... real Biblical Christians politically walk somewhere in the middle, cheering for the things Jesus heartily said yes to (like caring for orphans and widows and being good stewards of creation) and despising the things he despised (like turning churches into places of business or self-righteousness that leads to judgment of others). It's a messy line, gray and not always clear. I don't walk it perfectly and the out-workings of the line in the larger culture are even messier, as is evident by today's story...
I went to the clinic. I was running a little late, as usual, but nothing ridiculous. Halley had called me earlier in the morning to tell me she'd spoken with the women's health assistant and had tried to make sure that they waived whatever co-pay would be asked for so that I could apply for Medicaid and get it backdated.
That is not what happened. I filled out all the necessary paperwork (side note: I hate paperwork. I hate signing my life away and giving out my social so that everyone and their brother has access to my financial and personal information just so I can see a bleeping health professional. I think it's utterly ridiculous). And then they asked me for a $111 co-pay. Wait, what?... are you kidding me? I thought this was a government clinic... $111 is your co-pay?? So instead I said something civil like, "My roommate is one of the nurses here... I thought she'd spoken with someone earlier about my appointment. Can you possibly page her please?"
Long story short, Halley did get paged. And it was still a disaster. Turns out you have to apply for Medicaid separately from the appointment and if you're approved, they'll pay for everything. But that's only if you're approved for full Medicaid. If I'm only approved for women's health medicaid, it only covers pregnancy and STD's. Oh yeah... and it takes 45 days to go into effect. You can backdate it if you're approved for the things you're seen about during the waiting period. Otherwise you're on your own bill. And you have to pay today. And there's no way Halley could've known this... she doesn't work in billing. And I haven't been to a doctor in forever. $111 to make sure I don't have abnormal cells. Or $50 today and the rest billed later. Your choice.
It's horrible. I chose not.
And it goes back to something Jonathan used to say all the time, which I'm coming to believe more and more, although without the same sort of cynicism he used to say it with: "In America, we reward bad behavior."
Which is true, if you think about it...
If you get pregnant on a yearly basis by a different baby daddy every time (or the same one... I mean, really, it doesn't matter to the system), you get free health insurance, no questions asked. And it covers everything. But if you're a smart, driven, self-employed, non-sexually active single who happens to do something that makes absolutely no money and you're lucky to be paying the few bills you do have, well... sorry. Unfortunately we can't help you. Because apparently you can help yourself. Or so they think. In America, the government gets to choose which of the poor and needy they help. And they often choose to help people who don't make the wisest decisions. Someone, somewhere out there with more power than me, please do your job and work to change this...
... and I suppose what I'm really longing for is Heaven. We live in a fallen world where nothing will ever be as it should. So we deal with the mess in the meantime.
The worst part of the morning was that I missed my Bible study for this. I usually have it on Friday mornings and I can't tell you how badly I need to meet with those women on a weekly basis to be in the word and discuss it in a meaningful way. It keeps me out of my counselor's office. But this was one of the only free mornings that I didn't have to be in rehearsal when the women's health nurse practitioner would be there. That's right, not a physician, a practitioner.
I am not a politician. I don't claim to be, nor do I ever want to be. But today I felt the full force of the system and all the politics that go with it. It was not fun and the system we have sucks. And yes, I'm going to go back and apply for Medicaid because very simply, it's like my mother says: You do what you have to do. I have an appointment to meet with the Medicaid officer Tuesday. Another morning to be lost, if you ask me. But we'll see what happens.
It's like I said in my previous post: something has to change, both globally and personally. I realized this week that the most I will ever make with the degree I have in my field is about $20k / year. I'm 25 and I've maxed out my income bracket.
Something has to change. Lord, help me make wise decisions...
What I'm going to talk about in this post will be very real and downright authentic. If you are potentially adverse to taboo subjects or if you are perhaps uncomfortable reading about things less genteel or language of a certain nature, you should stop reading here. I will do my best to write gracefully, but what happened this morning is worth repeating because it bears witness to larger issues in our culture right now that need to be dealt with by someone bigger than me who has more power and a gracious heart. I hope in some small way my story helps someone else reap a benefit later on.
What happened is this: my roommate Halley, who is a gem of a human being and one of the most caring nurses I've ever met ever tried to get me into her clinic this morning for a women's health appointment. I haven't had a regular doctor in years. Literally, years. I'm a healthy, happy, self-employed 25-yr-old and when necessary, I see my counselor or buy some OTCs. That's about the extent of it. I don't have health insurance because I simply don't have the money for it. I make next to nothing in the name of arts education and my money is better spent buying groceries and gas and paying rent rather than sending it in to an insurance company on a regular basis so I can have the option to pay an additional $40 to see a doctor or perhaps a $2500 deductible (or more!) in the event of an emergency. I hardly ever see a doctor because I take care of myself (for the most part) and trust the Lord to provide what I really need, when I really need it. It's a faith walk, yes, but people have been living for hundreds of years without health insurance and maybe they didn't live into their mid-90's but all I have to say to that is this: Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Take me home whenever.
But I have yet to take care of the womanly issue. I've never seen the necessity of it since I'm not sexually active. But 25 is pretty old to have never seen anyone about this issue and after months of conversation about everything involved (fears, reasons not to, lack of insurance, etc), Halley assured me that I could probably be seen at the clinic she works at for a nominal fee or possibly nothing, since I don't have insurance and could probably apply for Medicaid through the clinic and be covered. I shuddered at the thought of being admitted into the system but when you need something, you ask for help if you can't do it yourself. So you do what you have to do. I laid my fears aside and made the appointment.
Sounds nice, right?
What happened instead basically amounted to a clusterbleeck. By that I mean it was a series of unfortunate events in which I felt completely defeated by the system yet again, when I am in fact one of those people who genuinely need its help and don't have a sense of entitlement about it. I was raised by a member of the vast right-wing conspiracy. My dad danced in the street when he found out I voted Republican after I turned 18. I'm not a supporter of big government, but neither am I ok with what we have now. I've come to believe that Biblical Christians... real Biblical Christians politically walk somewhere in the middle, cheering for the things Jesus heartily said yes to (like caring for orphans and widows and being good stewards of creation) and despising the things he despised (like turning churches into places of business or self-righteousness that leads to judgment of others). It's a messy line, gray and not always clear. I don't walk it perfectly and the out-workings of the line in the larger culture are even messier, as is evident by today's story...
I went to the clinic. I was running a little late, as usual, but nothing ridiculous. Halley had called me earlier in the morning to tell me she'd spoken with the women's health assistant and had tried to make sure that they waived whatever co-pay would be asked for so that I could apply for Medicaid and get it backdated.
That is not what happened. I filled out all the necessary paperwork (side note: I hate paperwork. I hate signing my life away and giving out my social so that everyone and their brother has access to my financial and personal information just so I can see a bleeping health professional. I think it's utterly ridiculous). And then they asked me for a $111 co-pay. Wait, what?... are you kidding me? I thought this was a government clinic... $111 is your co-pay?? So instead I said something civil like, "My roommate is one of the nurses here... I thought she'd spoken with someone earlier about my appointment. Can you possibly page her please?"
Long story short, Halley did get paged. And it was still a disaster. Turns out you have to apply for Medicaid separately from the appointment and if you're approved, they'll pay for everything. But that's only if you're approved for full Medicaid. If I'm only approved for women's health medicaid, it only covers pregnancy and STD's. Oh yeah... and it takes 45 days to go into effect. You can backdate it if you're approved for the things you're seen about during the waiting period. Otherwise you're on your own bill. And you have to pay today. And there's no way Halley could've known this... she doesn't work in billing. And I haven't been to a doctor in forever. $111 to make sure I don't have abnormal cells. Or $50 today and the rest billed later. Your choice.
It's horrible. I chose not.
And it goes back to something Jonathan used to say all the time, which I'm coming to believe more and more, although without the same sort of cynicism he used to say it with: "In America, we reward bad behavior."
Which is true, if you think about it...
If you get pregnant on a yearly basis by a different baby daddy every time (or the same one... I mean, really, it doesn't matter to the system), you get free health insurance, no questions asked. And it covers everything. But if you're a smart, driven, self-employed, non-sexually active single who happens to do something that makes absolutely no money and you're lucky to be paying the few bills you do have, well... sorry. Unfortunately we can't help you. Because apparently you can help yourself. Or so they think. In America, the government gets to choose which of the poor and needy they help. And they often choose to help people who don't make the wisest decisions. Someone, somewhere out there with more power than me, please do your job and work to change this...
... and I suppose what I'm really longing for is Heaven. We live in a fallen world where nothing will ever be as it should. So we deal with the mess in the meantime.
The worst part of the morning was that I missed my Bible study for this. I usually have it on Friday mornings and I can't tell you how badly I need to meet with those women on a weekly basis to be in the word and discuss it in a meaningful way. It keeps me out of my counselor's office. But this was one of the only free mornings that I didn't have to be in rehearsal when the women's health nurse practitioner would be there. That's right, not a physician, a practitioner.
I am not a politician. I don't claim to be, nor do I ever want to be. But today I felt the full force of the system and all the politics that go with it. It was not fun and the system we have sucks. And yes, I'm going to go back and apply for Medicaid because very simply, it's like my mother says: You do what you have to do. I have an appointment to meet with the Medicaid officer Tuesday. Another morning to be lost, if you ask me. But we'll see what happens.
It's like I said in my previous post: something has to change, both globally and personally. I realized this week that the most I will ever make with the degree I have in my field is about $20k / year. I'm 25 and I've maxed out my income bracket.
Something has to change. Lord, help me make wise decisions...
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
swimming
I'm doing laundry at my friend Christine's today, since the washer at Mom's broke earlier this week and we have no laundry at our apartment. Christine is such a gem of a human being... truly, a dear friend. I am so blessed to have a number of fantastic girlfriends who make it easier to be a self-employed pianist trying to eek out a living. I could not do it on my own.
But this week I've realized a very profound truth. It actually hit me in the shower this morning: I can't do this forever. There's no money in what I'm doing. And I'm not trying to be selfish or build an empire. I'm just trying to make it. And I have to continually swim (and swim furiously) in order to do it, lest I drown financially. It's not easy, this being a musician in the wild. To be honest, I don't know that it's really possible long-term. Most female musicians that I know of either teach in the university system... or are married. Or both.
There are things that are basic to existence that I need to be able to do, like go to the doctor or buy groceries. And I'll be honest with you, dear Reader: it's hard to do even these things sometimes. Not to mention things like buying a new car eventually or being able to save long-term. It's a jungle out there. And the economy doesn't make it any easier.
So something has to change and I'm not sure what it is yet. I finally got to a point recently where I was emotionally ok with not being in school right now, only to realize a week or so later that it may in fact be the exact step I have to take next in order to be able to actually make enough money to exist in this world without living on a shoestring budget. Lordy, life is so ironic.
I mean, I could take a part-time position as an elementary music teacher somewhere, if something opened up. But then I would essentially be kissing my career as a pianist good-bye. Not sure that's what I want.
The other alternative is marriage... which brings its own set of problems, if it's not the right time or person. And there's nobody on the radar right now, which I'm ok with, unless you count the Starbucks barista my dad keeps trying to set me up with... another story in itself, lol.
So I don't know... change is in the air. I feel it and smell it coming in the not-so-distant future. And I'm not sure what it is yet. But Lord knows things can't stay like this forever. I could be fearful, which I completely am some days. But other days, like today, when my stress levels are lower, I'm ok with it... just taking it in stride. So I just pray about what the change is supposed to be and for a discerning spirit to make the good decisions when the time is right.
I guess we'll see what happens...
But this week I've realized a very profound truth. It actually hit me in the shower this morning: I can't do this forever. There's no money in what I'm doing. And I'm not trying to be selfish or build an empire. I'm just trying to make it. And I have to continually swim (and swim furiously) in order to do it, lest I drown financially. It's not easy, this being a musician in the wild. To be honest, I don't know that it's really possible long-term. Most female musicians that I know of either teach in the university system... or are married. Or both.
There are things that are basic to existence that I need to be able to do, like go to the doctor or buy groceries. And I'll be honest with you, dear Reader: it's hard to do even these things sometimes. Not to mention things like buying a new car eventually or being able to save long-term. It's a jungle out there. And the economy doesn't make it any easier.
So something has to change and I'm not sure what it is yet. I finally got to a point recently where I was emotionally ok with not being in school right now, only to realize a week or so later that it may in fact be the exact step I have to take next in order to be able to actually make enough money to exist in this world without living on a shoestring budget. Lordy, life is so ironic.
I mean, I could take a part-time position as an elementary music teacher somewhere, if something opened up. But then I would essentially be kissing my career as a pianist good-bye. Not sure that's what I want.
The other alternative is marriage... which brings its own set of problems, if it's not the right time or person. And there's nobody on the radar right now, which I'm ok with, unless you count the Starbucks barista my dad keeps trying to set me up with... another story in itself, lol.
So I don't know... change is in the air. I feel it and smell it coming in the not-so-distant future. And I'm not sure what it is yet. But Lord knows things can't stay like this forever. I could be fearful, which I completely am some days. But other days, like today, when my stress levels are lower, I'm ok with it... just taking it in stride. So I just pray about what the change is supposed to be and for a discerning spirit to make the good decisions when the time is right.
I guess we'll see what happens...
Monday, September 12, 2011
green
Holy cow, I am young. As in, fresh out of the gate. I'm 25, running around St. Louis like I know what I'm doing, hoping to God that nobody discovers that I don't actually know what I'm doing with my life... that some days I feel like I'm drowning, barely keeping my head above water. That yes, I know how to teach piano and I can accompany just fine and I'm not too bad at either but man... have I got a lot to learn. "Whippersnapper" is the technical term, I believe.
I'm sure the ten of you who keep up with my blog on a regular basis are aware of this (including but not limited to my grandma, my friend Savannah, and one of my old friends and mentors, James who was in grad school while I was at Mizzou... all of these out of state, who use this blog as their basic means to keep up with me -- to which I am deeply grateful)... but apparently I was not aware of my own greenery til recently. Or at least not consciously aware of it. Or perhaps I was aware of it, but not yet ready to fully embrace the fact. Well, I'm embracing it. I'm as green as they come. A whippersnapper in the truest sense, since it's taken me seemingly forever to come to grips with it. But it's ok because it's a better place for me to be than disillusionment and discontentment, which is what I've been battling the past couple of weeks. Green and ready to learn? I will take that attitude any day. Learning is a great place to be.
And maybe that's why I've been struggling with the desire to go back to school recently...? Not entirely sure but I know one thing, and it's that plateau (both as a pianist and a teacher... and good grief let's face it, as a person too) is not fun, not by any stretch of the imagination. No wonder my students struggle with it so much... it hits you without warning and, whabam, there you are unsatisfied and going nowhere. And it's all just been my own pride that's been eating me up recently, masquerading itself as disillusionment and discontentment... always wanting more, wanting to be better, thinking I've mastered where I'm at. Ugh. Nasty business, to be sure.
This all came to a head this weekend when I had to deal with a professional situation for which I was not prepared. I tried to handle it as gracefully as I could but it ended up messier than I wanted and not at all how I would have envisioned. Definitely a learning experience for Katie.
I believe "growing pains" is the other technical term applicable here. A severe case of them.
Dr. Doriani had plenty to say about it in yesterday's sermon... something my heart so needed to hear. He preached on 1 Cor 7 (vs 10-17 and 20-24), where Paul addresses people who feel stuck in certain unfavorable situations like a bad marriage or slavery...
"Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him..." (17).
Stay put?? In a crummy situation?? Seriously?! Yep, seriously... and I'm not even in a crummy situation. I just kept thinking I was ready for more when clearly, well... green.
Turns out our inner feelings do not necessarily entitle us to do whatever we want. Our culture totally advocates and glorifies the idea of finding yourself... we all seem susceptible to it. I know I particularly am. Because it seems like a very beautiful, free-spirited idea. "Eat, Pray, Love" is a prime example of this even though it's one of my favorite movies. But my green little whippersnapper self will testify that the constant striving and leaving and searching and trying to find... whatever it is you're trying to find... well it leads you in circles... and to nowhere but discontentment. At least that's been my experience, anyway.
This is not to say that Paul advocates passivity or a lack of learning. If an opportunity presents itself, there's nothing wrong with giving it full consideration and potentially moving on. But I paraphrase from my sermon notes, "Our culture desperately needs to stop looking for the next thing and embrace the place we're already in... we do what we're called to do when we're just doing what lies before us. We don't go looking for our calling. It's right there in front of us."
Yes. The striving will kill you... it's been killing me recently. There's something really, truly beautiful about doing the hard thing, settling in, and just doing your best at what you're doing now. And in doing so, you may find out you have a lot to learn. Or you may realize just how valuable your current experiences are after all. Or you may realize that you're still just 25 and you've only been out in the professional world for a year now and you're still trying to get a handle on being an adult, let alone running your own business... you're still just a baby, you sweet, restless girl. It's a good place to be, this realization... one that I hope to humbly own for yet a while still.
I'm sure the ten of you who keep up with my blog on a regular basis are aware of this (including but not limited to my grandma, my friend Savannah, and one of my old friends and mentors, James who was in grad school while I was at Mizzou... all of these out of state, who use this blog as their basic means to keep up with me -- to which I am deeply grateful)... but apparently I was not aware of my own greenery til recently. Or at least not consciously aware of it. Or perhaps I was aware of it, but not yet ready to fully embrace the fact. Well, I'm embracing it. I'm as green as they come. A whippersnapper in the truest sense, since it's taken me seemingly forever to come to grips with it. But it's ok because it's a better place for me to be than disillusionment and discontentment, which is what I've been battling the past couple of weeks. Green and ready to learn? I will take that attitude any day. Learning is a great place to be.
And maybe that's why I've been struggling with the desire to go back to school recently...? Not entirely sure but I know one thing, and it's that plateau (both as a pianist and a teacher... and good grief let's face it, as a person too) is not fun, not by any stretch of the imagination. No wonder my students struggle with it so much... it hits you without warning and, whabam, there you are unsatisfied and going nowhere. And it's all just been my own pride that's been eating me up recently, masquerading itself as disillusionment and discontentment... always wanting more, wanting to be better, thinking I've mastered where I'm at. Ugh. Nasty business, to be sure.
This all came to a head this weekend when I had to deal with a professional situation for which I was not prepared. I tried to handle it as gracefully as I could but it ended up messier than I wanted and not at all how I would have envisioned. Definitely a learning experience for Katie.
I believe "growing pains" is the other technical term applicable here. A severe case of them.
Dr. Doriani had plenty to say about it in yesterday's sermon... something my heart so needed to hear. He preached on 1 Cor 7 (vs 10-17 and 20-24), where Paul addresses people who feel stuck in certain unfavorable situations like a bad marriage or slavery...
"Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him..." (17).
Stay put?? In a crummy situation?? Seriously?! Yep, seriously... and I'm not even in a crummy situation. I just kept thinking I was ready for more when clearly, well... green.
Turns out our inner feelings do not necessarily entitle us to do whatever we want. Our culture totally advocates and glorifies the idea of finding yourself... we all seem susceptible to it. I know I particularly am. Because it seems like a very beautiful, free-spirited idea. "Eat, Pray, Love" is a prime example of this even though it's one of my favorite movies. But my green little whippersnapper self will testify that the constant striving and leaving and searching and trying to find... whatever it is you're trying to find... well it leads you in circles... and to nowhere but discontentment. At least that's been my experience, anyway.
This is not to say that Paul advocates passivity or a lack of learning. If an opportunity presents itself, there's nothing wrong with giving it full consideration and potentially moving on. But I paraphrase from my sermon notes, "Our culture desperately needs to stop looking for the next thing and embrace the place we're already in... we do what we're called to do when we're just doing what lies before us. We don't go looking for our calling. It's right there in front of us."
Yes. The striving will kill you... it's been killing me recently. There's something really, truly beautiful about doing the hard thing, settling in, and just doing your best at what you're doing now. And in doing so, you may find out you have a lot to learn. Or you may realize just how valuable your current experiences are after all. Or you may realize that you're still just 25 and you've only been out in the professional world for a year now and you're still trying to get a handle on being an adult, let alone running your own business... you're still just a baby, you sweet, restless girl. It's a good place to be, this realization... one that I hope to humbly own for yet a while still.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
thoughts from art hill
I am soooo ready to be out of this apartment. I'm tired of coming home to find dead mice in our mousetraps (the mousetraps we bought, mind you... not our landlord, but us). I'm tired of glancing out of the corner of my eye to find crawling things with exoskeletons in random places. I'm tired of doing dishes every five seconds because we have no dishwasher. And I'm tired of paying decent rent money for it. This summer I finally started to like this apartment and the area around it but enough is enough. December 1 will come as a welcome relief. I'm so glad we're not re-signing the lease on this place.
But that is not what I want to talk about tonight. What I actually intended to come home and blog about before I found the dead mouse is how amazing it felt to go to the free St. Louis Symphony concert in Forest Park tonight. It was awesome. Granted, I didn't get there until about 7:40, since I didn't get done teaching until about 7:20. Then I had to park... with the concert well under way by 7, the park was chock full. I literally parked a half-mile away and ran from my car to the concert (good thing I wear my trail sandals ALL the time for just such occasions lol). And then after the concert, I ran from Art Hill back to my car on Wydown... it was intense. But it was also invigorating and lovely and refreshing. And that was just the run... the concert itself was fantastic and made me miss hearing live classical music so much that I literally ached inside, resolving not to waste this concert season by not going to anything... not that I ever intended to do this in the past, just that when you're a pianist, sometimes you have to prioritize: eating and paying the stupid overpriced rent on your apartment... or going to the symphony.
But tonight it was free and it felt amazing to be alive, sitting on Art Hill in the moonlight with thousands of other St. Louisans, soaking it all in. I arrived half-way through Saint-Saens' Danse Macabre and listened with delight as the orchestra finished their program with music from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, followed by the finale from Stravinsky's Firebird and last but not least, Sousa's Stars and Stripes Forever. And David Robertson didn't have a clue, but every single one of those four final pieces on the concert held special meaning for me and made me remember why I have such a deep love affair with music: because music grows with you. It stays in your memory bank and collects layers upon layers of meaning as you go about living your life... layers that no one else will ever understand but you, because you will be the only one who lives through all that accumulates. And for a musician, music is big... big enough for you to get angry at, or carry your sadness for you, or speak to you in the back of your mind about that one thing you can't quite put your finger on. It's like anything else that's truly powerful -- it seeps into your soul and reveals things. In other words, for better or worse, music (like all art) has something to say about the truth of our reality. And the truth it said to me tonight is this: there's a reason you miss this... go find it.
Which is pretty powerful stuff...
... I want so desperately to find myself. And I feel like I keep looking in all the wrong places, not to mention way too anxiously for my own good. The striving is killing me. And I'm not sure what the answer is yet. After all, when you're doing what you thought you wanted to do or were supposed to do or are good at and it still doesn't feel right for some reason... then what?
And maybe the answer is that I'm chasing rainbows. Maybe it isn't outside of myself at all. Maybe it all goes back to what Anne Shirley says: I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
And maybe that's why I miss listening to live music so much... maybe listening makes me shut up long enough to reignite my passion so I can pass it on to my students. Maybe listening makes me... listen and... think... and... rest.
I'm not very good at resting. I ran all over Forest Park tonight. And then I ran into Trader Joe's afterward. And then I ran to Target after that. I run a lot. And I go a lot. And I teach a lot. And I don't really stop, except when I blog. And even then, I'm still talking and spilling out my own opinion. Maybe the reason I miss listening so much is because it's restful, reflective... worshipful, even, since it points my thoughts away from myself and back to the truth in a way that really makes sense to me.
That's all for now since, you know... I have more to think about. And a dead mouse to dispose of...
But that is not what I want to talk about tonight. What I actually intended to come home and blog about before I found the dead mouse is how amazing it felt to go to the free St. Louis Symphony concert in Forest Park tonight. It was awesome. Granted, I didn't get there until about 7:40, since I didn't get done teaching until about 7:20. Then I had to park... with the concert well under way by 7, the park was chock full. I literally parked a half-mile away and ran from my car to the concert (good thing I wear my trail sandals ALL the time for just such occasions lol). And then after the concert, I ran from Art Hill back to my car on Wydown... it was intense. But it was also invigorating and lovely and refreshing. And that was just the run... the concert itself was fantastic and made me miss hearing live classical music so much that I literally ached inside, resolving not to waste this concert season by not going to anything... not that I ever intended to do this in the past, just that when you're a pianist, sometimes you have to prioritize: eating and paying the stupid overpriced rent on your apartment... or going to the symphony.
But tonight it was free and it felt amazing to be alive, sitting on Art Hill in the moonlight with thousands of other St. Louisans, soaking it all in. I arrived half-way through Saint-Saens' Danse Macabre and listened with delight as the orchestra finished their program with music from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, followed by the finale from Stravinsky's Firebird and last but not least, Sousa's Stars and Stripes Forever. And David Robertson didn't have a clue, but every single one of those four final pieces on the concert held special meaning for me and made me remember why I have such a deep love affair with music: because music grows with you. It stays in your memory bank and collects layers upon layers of meaning as you go about living your life... layers that no one else will ever understand but you, because you will be the only one who lives through all that accumulates. And for a musician, music is big... big enough for you to get angry at, or carry your sadness for you, or speak to you in the back of your mind about that one thing you can't quite put your finger on. It's like anything else that's truly powerful -- it seeps into your soul and reveals things. In other words, for better or worse, music (like all art) has something to say about the truth of our reality. And the truth it said to me tonight is this: there's a reason you miss this... go find it.
Which is pretty powerful stuff...
... I want so desperately to find myself. And I feel like I keep looking in all the wrong places, not to mention way too anxiously for my own good. The striving is killing me. And I'm not sure what the answer is yet. After all, when you're doing what you thought you wanted to do or were supposed to do or are good at and it still doesn't feel right for some reason... then what?
And maybe the answer is that I'm chasing rainbows. Maybe it isn't outside of myself at all. Maybe it all goes back to what Anne Shirley says: I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
And maybe that's why I miss listening to live music so much... maybe listening makes me shut up long enough to reignite my passion so I can pass it on to my students. Maybe listening makes me... listen and... think... and... rest.
I'm not very good at resting. I ran all over Forest Park tonight. And then I ran into Trader Joe's afterward. And then I ran to Target after that. I run a lot. And I go a lot. And I teach a lot. And I don't really stop, except when I blog. And even then, I'm still talking and spilling out my own opinion. Maybe the reason I miss listening so much is because it's restful, reflective... worshipful, even, since it points my thoughts away from myself and back to the truth in a way that really makes sense to me.
That's all for now since, you know... I have more to think about. And a dead mouse to dispose of...
Sunday, September 4, 2011
goals, part II
It's a good thing I went to church this morning, since the sermon happened to be exactly what I needed to hear. Taken from James 4:5-10, our pastor spoke on pride and temptation. I think his Katie-radar must have gone off this week, since this has been exactly what I've been struggling with...
I'll attempt brevity, but stay with me here:
- I've realized in the past couple of weeks that I'm in a co-dependent relationship with school. Not that school needs me, but it's the first thing I run to when I'm struggling. It's what I've always poured myself into when things don't go the way I think they should. Family problems? Go write your paper. No guys around? Go practice. A guy pursues you and it makes you uncomfortable? You've got a test next week... go type up your notes. It's what I'm good at, and it fully exhausts me so that... well, I don't have to worry about or deal with the reality of the rest of my life. And we all do it in one way or another... we all have some sort of patch that distracts us from the harsh reality of our situation. Mine has always been school.
- I have no patch anymore. I'm not in school. And as much as I want to and try, there's nothing in my life right now to fully exhaust my emotions. It's a healthy thing, this not being dependent on school for my validation and purpose in life. But it's taken away my coping mechanism for now. I'm on a school diet. And the withdrawal is horrendous.
- So, I'm not getting what I want right now. Which makes me feel like a crazy person...
- ...which makes it hard for me to stay motivated. If I can't go big, it's hard for me to go at all. A little background: I graduated Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa from Mizzou last year. To those of you who've never heard of this honors fraternity, I might as well have graduated Pi Mega Tampon (Phoebe, Friends, Season 7). It means nothing to most people. But in the world of academia, it's a huge honor. 17 presidents, 38 Supreme Court Justices, and 136 Nobel Laureates have been PBK members. In short, I look at my academic record and think, "What are you DOING with your life, Katie?? All you're doing is teaching piano and accompanying a couple of choirs. You need to be doing more... like, a lot more. Why am I not doing more? What could I be doing better? What program could I apply to that would quell my desire to excel in all the ways that I used to??" Because it turns out, I'm having a hard time existing outside the educational system. It's a new reality that I've never had to deal with until now and the truth is, it's stinkin' hard.
- And it's hard to admit this truth.
- And it's hard to remember this every day when I wake up and go about my daily business.
- ... which is precisely why I'm not supposed to be in school right now. If I was supposed to be in school right now, God would have me in a grad program somewhere and I would be happily killing myself every day. Because that's what I do when I'm in school.
- But it turns out that when you're routinely tempted, even if it's just by the desire for something and it's all in your head, you can't just say no to it over and over again... eventually you'll give in and chances are, you'll probably give in big. This is what I learned [again] this morning per the sermon at Central... when you're trying to conquer a desire (in my case, the desire to do more and be better academically and professionally... which, let me qualify, is not a bad desire in and of itself at all... it's just that I've made it into an idol), instead of just quitting cold-turkey and deciding you don't want it anymore, you have to decide that you want something different, something better, something... healthier, maybe? In spiritual terms, you have to re-align your desires to God's.
So my version of better is this: living in reality, not using school as a diversion from it, and not driving myself insane with this constant need to go out there and win the world. And realizing that even though sometimes (or very often) I may not feel like I'm doing anything significant with my life right now, I need to remember that I have 11 children whose musical personalities and growth are being shaped by my instruction on a weekly basis. And three choirs who rely on me to collaborate with them and help them learn parts so that they can have an enjoyable and memorable musical experience. I may not be doing ground-breaking research or teaching at a university or writing world-class, award-winning arts criticism for the New York Times. But I can do my part too, and have healthy goals and desires simultaneously. Because it's not about the desires that I have... those are good. It's the degree to which I let them control my life and define who I am as a person... that is what's unhealthy.
And the short-term goals I mentioned in my previous post? Well, I've been thinking about them all day... because despite what I'm doing for others in my professional life, it's important to do things for myself too -- to keep my brain active so I don't blog about how crazy I am on such a frequent basis... ;)
Every semester, my friend Stuart and I used to make a new list of goals. We would have meetings over beer and burgers where we'd take down the minutes and type up our lists. I really miss that. So we'll pretend that you, dear Reader, are Stuart and I'll be our secretary. Feel free to post your list in the comments section below. My list of Fall 2011 Goals includes the following (with, we'll say, a deadline of Thanksgiving Day... I'll comment or post again later to let you know how they're coming):
- Read and blog about at least 8 more composers from our favored text, The Lives of the Great Composers by Prof. Schonberg. That's an average of one per week or less. Definitely attainable.
- Attend and blog about 2-3 St. Louis Symphony concerts. Seems reasonable to me. I really want to go to opening weekend at Powell Hall. They're performing Stravinsky's Rite of Spring. I should really make that a reality.
- Organize a writing contest for my students with the topic of their favorite composer, where they must cite three musical examples.
- Re-read the book recommended to me by my counselor last year. Maybe go through it with my friend Christine? It changed my life when I read it the first time and I need to read it again and being accountable to a friend is always a good thing.
- Put away $500 in savings.
- Run 2-3 times a week so you can enjoy the change of colors this fall.
- 1 lesson per month. I need something to practice for on a regular basis. My own stuff, not just accompanying.
- Spend at least 4-5 Sunday evenings with your mom watching Inspector Lewis on PBS. Because Lewis' sidekick is a tall, athletic-looking, intellectual blonde man with a British accent. It's one of the hottest things I've ever seen. Not to mention that the mysteries themselves are fantastic.
- Remember that as much as you want your students to succeed, they are human children and not robotic machines. And you absolutely wouldn't want it any other way.
- Finish reading Madame Bovary...
... and by all means Katie, put away the rest of your ambitious, ass-kicking dreams for at least another two months. They'll still be there after Thanksgiving. Otherwise I wear myself out. Careers aren't built in days or months, but over years. And you know what? With some 11 million people out of work, I count myself one of the lucky who has a job... who can make rent and buy groceries. Praise God for his provision.
I'll attempt brevity, but stay with me here:
- I've realized in the past couple of weeks that I'm in a co-dependent relationship with school. Not that school needs me, but it's the first thing I run to when I'm struggling. It's what I've always poured myself into when things don't go the way I think they should. Family problems? Go write your paper. No guys around? Go practice. A guy pursues you and it makes you uncomfortable? You've got a test next week... go type up your notes. It's what I'm good at, and it fully exhausts me so that... well, I don't have to worry about or deal with the reality of the rest of my life. And we all do it in one way or another... we all have some sort of patch that distracts us from the harsh reality of our situation. Mine has always been school.
- I have no patch anymore. I'm not in school. And as much as I want to and try, there's nothing in my life right now to fully exhaust my emotions. It's a healthy thing, this not being dependent on school for my validation and purpose in life. But it's taken away my coping mechanism for now. I'm on a school diet. And the withdrawal is horrendous.
- So, I'm not getting what I want right now. Which makes me feel like a crazy person...
- ...which makes it hard for me to stay motivated. If I can't go big, it's hard for me to go at all. A little background: I graduated Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa from Mizzou last year. To those of you who've never heard of this honors fraternity, I might as well have graduated Pi Mega Tampon (Phoebe, Friends, Season 7). It means nothing to most people. But in the world of academia, it's a huge honor. 17 presidents, 38 Supreme Court Justices, and 136 Nobel Laureates have been PBK members. In short, I look at my academic record and think, "What are you DOING with your life, Katie?? All you're doing is teaching piano and accompanying a couple of choirs. You need to be doing more... like, a lot more. Why am I not doing more? What could I be doing better? What program could I apply to that would quell my desire to excel in all the ways that I used to??" Because it turns out, I'm having a hard time existing outside the educational system. It's a new reality that I've never had to deal with until now and the truth is, it's stinkin' hard.
- And it's hard to admit this truth.
- And it's hard to remember this every day when I wake up and go about my daily business.
- ... which is precisely why I'm not supposed to be in school right now. If I was supposed to be in school right now, God would have me in a grad program somewhere and I would be happily killing myself every day. Because that's what I do when I'm in school.
- But it turns out that when you're routinely tempted, even if it's just by the desire for something and it's all in your head, you can't just say no to it over and over again... eventually you'll give in and chances are, you'll probably give in big. This is what I learned [again] this morning per the sermon at Central... when you're trying to conquer a desire (in my case, the desire to do more and be better academically and professionally... which, let me qualify, is not a bad desire in and of itself at all... it's just that I've made it into an idol), instead of just quitting cold-turkey and deciding you don't want it anymore, you have to decide that you want something different, something better, something... healthier, maybe? In spiritual terms, you have to re-align your desires to God's.
So my version of better is this: living in reality, not using school as a diversion from it, and not driving myself insane with this constant need to go out there and win the world. And realizing that even though sometimes (or very often) I may not feel like I'm doing anything significant with my life right now, I need to remember that I have 11 children whose musical personalities and growth are being shaped by my instruction on a weekly basis. And three choirs who rely on me to collaborate with them and help them learn parts so that they can have an enjoyable and memorable musical experience. I may not be doing ground-breaking research or teaching at a university or writing world-class, award-winning arts criticism for the New York Times. But I can do my part too, and have healthy goals and desires simultaneously. Because it's not about the desires that I have... those are good. It's the degree to which I let them control my life and define who I am as a person... that is what's unhealthy.
And the short-term goals I mentioned in my previous post? Well, I've been thinking about them all day... because despite what I'm doing for others in my professional life, it's important to do things for myself too -- to keep my brain active so I don't blog about how crazy I am on such a frequent basis... ;)
Every semester, my friend Stuart and I used to make a new list of goals. We would have meetings over beer and burgers where we'd take down the minutes and type up our lists. I really miss that. So we'll pretend that you, dear Reader, are Stuart and I'll be our secretary. Feel free to post your list in the comments section below. My list of Fall 2011 Goals includes the following (with, we'll say, a deadline of Thanksgiving Day... I'll comment or post again later to let you know how they're coming):
- Read and blog about at least 8 more composers from our favored text, The Lives of the Great Composers by Prof. Schonberg. That's an average of one per week or less. Definitely attainable.
- Attend and blog about 2-3 St. Louis Symphony concerts. Seems reasonable to me. I really want to go to opening weekend at Powell Hall. They're performing Stravinsky's Rite of Spring. I should really make that a reality.
- Organize a writing contest for my students with the topic of their favorite composer, where they must cite three musical examples.
- Re-read the book recommended to me by my counselor last year. Maybe go through it with my friend Christine? It changed my life when I read it the first time and I need to read it again and being accountable to a friend is always a good thing.
- Put away $500 in savings.
- Run 2-3 times a week so you can enjoy the change of colors this fall.
- 1 lesson per month. I need something to practice for on a regular basis. My own stuff, not just accompanying.
- Spend at least 4-5 Sunday evenings with your mom watching Inspector Lewis on PBS. Because Lewis' sidekick is a tall, athletic-looking, intellectual blonde man with a British accent. It's one of the hottest things I've ever seen. Not to mention that the mysteries themselves are fantastic.
- Remember that as much as you want your students to succeed, they are human children and not robotic machines. And you absolutely wouldn't want it any other way.
- Finish reading Madame Bovary...
... and by all means Katie, put away the rest of your ambitious, ass-kicking dreams for at least another two months. They'll still be there after Thanksgiving. Otherwise I wear myself out. Careers aren't built in days or months, but over years. And you know what? With some 11 million people out of work, I count myself one of the lucky who has a job... who can make rent and buy groceries. Praise God for his provision.
goals, part I
It's Sunday morning. I should be getting ready for church. Instead I sit here with wet hair, uncaffeinated, teeth still waiting to be brushed...
... something is definitely wrong.
There are about a bazillion thoughts swirling through my head these days. Thoughts of what I'm doing with my life and where I want to be eventually. Thoughts of the old friend I saw yesterday for a brief hour and a half, realizing that relationship will never go anywhere other than simply being old friends. Thoughts of the former roommate I never got along with who recently facebooked me and told me that she's now teaching for one of the bigger school districts in the area and singing with a prominent classical St. Louis group and playing with one of the university orchestras... well, good for you my dear.
... Why am I not singing with a prominent St. Louis group? I may be a pianist but my voice is just as good as hers...
... and then I think about how I have no goals right now. I'm just teaching and accompanying. And trying to exist.
I keep thinking that one of three things is going to happen soon:
1. That I'll go back to school or be asked to interview for some fabulous job (one that would incorporate my teaching into it).
2. That I'll miraculously save up enough money somehow in the next year or two and gather up enough courage to haul off and move somewhere amazing (like Europe or a third-world country with beautiful landscapes where I'm the only pianist within a 50-mile range).
3. That a man will come along and I'll finally stop dating the wrong guy and instead fall in love with the right guy... which, given the current state of affairs in my heart after having simultaneously lived through my parents divorce and myself been dumped... well, I'm not sure I'm ready for this to happen just yet.
All that to say: I basically live in a dream world.
I heard the other day on NPR that the job additions report for August was 35,000. That means that 35,000 jobs were added to the market in the last month, while 11 million people remain out of work. 35,000 may as well have been zero. Awesome. I'd say the chances of being asked to interview are like... -1000, Katie.
And I would love to move to Europe, but do you know how homesick I would be? We won't even talk about it...
And any man who would be interested in me can send in their resume for my files. I'll probably get back to you in another 4-6 months.
So morale is a little low today. I need to go to church.
More later... but my assignment for you, dear Reader, and for myself is to come up with some goals. Not resolutions, which get made and forgotten. But some real, honest-to-God goals that are not only realistic but reasonable, meant to be achieved in the next 3 to 6 months. Dr. Knerr calls it insurance -- when you make a goal you know you can achieve. Those kind. At least two or three. Typed and double-spaced.
... something is definitely wrong.
There are about a bazillion thoughts swirling through my head these days. Thoughts of what I'm doing with my life and where I want to be eventually. Thoughts of the old friend I saw yesterday for a brief hour and a half, realizing that relationship will never go anywhere other than simply being old friends. Thoughts of the former roommate I never got along with who recently facebooked me and told me that she's now teaching for one of the bigger school districts in the area and singing with a prominent classical St. Louis group and playing with one of the university orchestras... well, good for you my dear.
... Why am I not singing with a prominent St. Louis group? I may be a pianist but my voice is just as good as hers...
... and then I think about how I have no goals right now. I'm just teaching and accompanying. And trying to exist.
I keep thinking that one of three things is going to happen soon:
1. That I'll go back to school or be asked to interview for some fabulous job (one that would incorporate my teaching into it).
2. That I'll miraculously save up enough money somehow in the next year or two and gather up enough courage to haul off and move somewhere amazing (like Europe or a third-world country with beautiful landscapes where I'm the only pianist within a 50-mile range).
3. That a man will come along and I'll finally stop dating the wrong guy and instead fall in love with the right guy... which, given the current state of affairs in my heart after having simultaneously lived through my parents divorce and myself been dumped... well, I'm not sure I'm ready for this to happen just yet.
All that to say: I basically live in a dream world.
I heard the other day on NPR that the job additions report for August was 35,000. That means that 35,000 jobs were added to the market in the last month, while 11 million people remain out of work. 35,000 may as well have been zero. Awesome. I'd say the chances of being asked to interview are like... -1000, Katie.
And I would love to move to Europe, but do you know how homesick I would be? We won't even talk about it...
And any man who would be interested in me can send in their resume for my files. I'll probably get back to you in another 4-6 months.
So morale is a little low today. I need to go to church.
More later... but my assignment for you, dear Reader, and for myself is to come up with some goals. Not resolutions, which get made and forgotten. But some real, honest-to-God goals that are not only realistic but reasonable, meant to be achieved in the next 3 to 6 months. Dr. Knerr calls it insurance -- when you make a goal you know you can achieve. Those kind. At least two or three. Typed and double-spaced.
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