Thank God my mom is an accountant!!! She is amazing. Can I just say that one more time? My mom is a fan-freaking-tastic genius of a tax adviser for my fledgling small business. I might also add that I definitely win the award for most forms needed with the least amount of money made. Between the basic 1040, w-2s, a schedule C for self-employment, and the 8615 and all its counterparts for someone who's under the age of 24 with a miniscule share of investment, it's a bit ridiculous. And then we filed the fafsa for a family of 1 who made less than $5000. EFC = 0. YES. I am poor. I need financial aid for grad school. Please help me, o ye who hold the money... preferably in the form of grants. Thank you.
In other news, I have been super stressed out lately. I went to see my counselor, Lynn this last week. I scheduled the appointment not even knowing what I needed to talk about, but just knowing that I needed to do something about my frazzled state. And despite the fact that I had no agenda for our session other than coming out less stressed than when I walked in, the time spent with her was really good. I have realized more about myself in this crazy stressful year than I think ever before, which is good, because it means I'm learning how to navigate my own adulthood... sorta. Anyway one of the suggestions she made is to cut something out, which I'm in the process of attempting: an accompanying gig that would give me back roughly 6 hrs in my week. In her words, "Oh yeah... someone else can DEFINITELY do that. That is not a life or death thing." We also talked about the fact that I struggle with approval and feeling like I have to prove my worth to others... probably something I've struggled with my whole life, in all honesty. She is a wise, wise woman. And that's why I pay her.
I did find out yesterday that after 6 years of killing myself, I will be graduating with honors: Magna Cum Laude, that is if I keep my GPA between now and then. This means that I will get to participate in MU's special honors graduation ceremony on the quad. I'm also allowed to invite a faculty member, who is supposed to be decked out in their academic regalia to accompany me. There's absolutely no question in my mind of who I want to come with me: Dr. Budds. He has pushed and stretched me to my limits academically and has offered nothing but fatherly advice in personal matters as well. And let's be honest, I did not know how to listen to music before my first class with him. My only regret is that I can only invite 1 member. I wish that Dr. Mabary could come as well since she has played just as big of a part in my academic development. I don't know... maybe this issue requires more thought. I'll get back to you on that one...
But for now I have a busy weekend ahead of me: Halley's birthday, Jeff and Sarah moving, and a visit to my aunt who's on hospice. And we won't even think about next week... it's worse than the monster under the bed.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
life goals
I have readers! I finally found your comments, friends! I've been blogging here for 2 months thinking my only audience was my grandma... no offense, Grandma... but I have an audience! Yay!! Thank you so much for your comments. I'm so sorry I didn't find them before now. Can someone say blonde?? Man...
This post is quick, since I have German in about T-minus 12 mins. Life goals. Go:
1. Hike/Camp my way through the Golden Triangle of Western National Parks -- Yosemite, Yellowstone, Glacier Bay
2. Read the Bible all the way through. This is probably important since I haven't done it yet... don't judge.
3. Speak one of the languages I've studied academically (French or German) fluently.
4. Teaching stats = 1 / 5 students become a professional musician of some form; 1 / 1 students keep playing into adulthood.
5. List of music to learn = All Debussy Preludes, All Bach Inventions and Sinfonias, Beethoven Pastorale and Moonlight Sonatas, Saint-Saens 2nd Piano Concerto, Rachmaninoff 2nd Piano Concerto... and the Charlie Brown theme song (per Stuart).
6. Live in a European country in a substantial form of housing for at least a year.
More later...
This post is quick, since I have German in about T-minus 12 mins. Life goals. Go:
1. Hike/Camp my way through the Golden Triangle of Western National Parks -- Yosemite, Yellowstone, Glacier Bay
2. Read the Bible all the way through. This is probably important since I haven't done it yet... don't judge.
3. Speak one of the languages I've studied academically (French or German) fluently.
4. Teaching stats = 1 / 5 students become a professional musician of some form; 1 / 1 students keep playing into adulthood.
5. List of music to learn = All Debussy Preludes, All Bach Inventions and Sinfonias, Beethoven Pastorale and Moonlight Sonatas, Saint-Saens 2nd Piano Concerto, Rachmaninoff 2nd Piano Concerto... and the Charlie Brown theme song (per Stuart).
6. Live in a European country in a substantial form of housing for at least a year.
More later...
Monday, February 22, 2010
Edwina
My dear friend Edwina, who I've been privileged to know these last 5 years, through a set of really random circumstances, has moved in to our duplex, specifically sharing a room with yours truly. It is wonderful. Even in just the day or so that she's been here, I feel motivated again to care about my studies and get stuff done... with a good attitude about it, I might add. All this to say: apparently I need people who care about me and who I can relate to on an intimate level around (as in living with me) to help me stay motivated, stop focusing on myself, and widen my overall perspective. It is far too easy for me to get caught up in the world of Katie, which can be a beautiful thing sometimes... just not when that realm is characterized by disappointment and complaining, which I'm sorry to say is often the case -- more than you might think anyway. So I guess living alone someday isn't really an option for me since nothing would get done and I'd end up depressed all the time. Oh wait... that was last summer. Ha!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Stuart
Yesterday I had lunch with my friend Stuart, during which we had a highly interesting (and highly amusing) conversation about life goals. It basically went something like this:
(Stuart): Question... what are some of your life goals?
(Katie): Um... well, I want to live somewhere in Europe for an extended period of time...
(Stuart): Question... would you live in the Swiss Alps?
(Katie): Heck yes.
(Stuart): Would you live in the Swiss Alps in a tent?
(Katie): Uh... no.
(Stuart): Well the Swiss Alps are in Europe... you need to be more specific.
(Katie): Ok, well... um... I would like to live in the European countryside and/or a major European city for at least a year in some form of substantial housing.
(Stuart): Like Mahler.
(Katie): Yes, like Mahler.
(Stuart): Ok. What's another life-goal?
(Katie): Uh.... ok, well let me think... (a minute or two passes)...
(Stuart): Katie, what are you doing trying to bs your way through a conversation about life goals? You need to seriously figure these out. What do you think about when you go to sleep at night?
(Katie): ...what I have to do the next day?
(Stuart): (shakes his head) Your assignment for the next 7 nights is to figure out what your life goals are report back to me next Thursday. Things you can work on for the rest of your life.
(Katie): Well I really want to get my masters...
(Stuart): Is that a life goal?
(Katie): ... uh, yeah I guess not.
(Stuart): Life goals. Next Thursday.
So that's what I'm in the midst of figuring out, among the 90 bajillion other things I have to do in a given day / week. I did figure out one last night. I've decided I'll post them here as I figure them out. And these aren't in order of importance... this is just what popped into my head first. The first life goal I came up with last night is this... to hike/camp my way through what I like to call the Western Golden Triangle of National Parks: Yellowstone, Yosemite, and Glacier Bay.
Please email me your thoughts on potential life goals if you can. I'm interested to see what you think.
(Stuart): Question... what are some of your life goals?
(Katie): Um... well, I want to live somewhere in Europe for an extended period of time...
(Stuart): Question... would you live in the Swiss Alps?
(Katie): Heck yes.
(Stuart): Would you live in the Swiss Alps in a tent?
(Katie): Uh... no.
(Stuart): Well the Swiss Alps are in Europe... you need to be more specific.
(Katie): Ok, well... um... I would like to live in the European countryside and/or a major European city for at least a year in some form of substantial housing.
(Stuart): Like Mahler.
(Katie): Yes, like Mahler.
(Stuart): Ok. What's another life-goal?
(Katie): Uh.... ok, well let me think... (a minute or two passes)...
(Stuart): Katie, what are you doing trying to bs your way through a conversation about life goals? You need to seriously figure these out. What do you think about when you go to sleep at night?
(Katie): ...what I have to do the next day?
(Stuart): (shakes his head) Your assignment for the next 7 nights is to figure out what your life goals are report back to me next Thursday. Things you can work on for the rest of your life.
(Katie): Well I really want to get my masters...
(Stuart): Is that a life goal?
(Katie): ... uh, yeah I guess not.
(Stuart): Life goals. Next Thursday.
So that's what I'm in the midst of figuring out, among the 90 bajillion other things I have to do in a given day / week. I did figure out one last night. I've decided I'll post them here as I figure them out. And these aren't in order of importance... this is just what popped into my head first. The first life goal I came up with last night is this... to hike/camp my way through what I like to call the Western Golden Triangle of National Parks: Yellowstone, Yosemite, and Glacier Bay.
Please email me your thoughts on potential life goals if you can. I'm interested to see what you think.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
realizations
I can access the blogspot website from my computer again! I don't know what happened but if this continues, hopefully I'll be able to post more often.
I officially realized yesterday that I have more to do each day than there are hours in the day available for. It's not a comforting thought. It's been like this all semester and, I can only suspect, will continue for the rest of the semester and eventually get worse. I just want to graduate! But I've learned a lot about myself in this painful process along the way. For one thing, I have definitely realized that I often use my academics to help me feel successful in ways where I feel like I fail as a pianist and vice versa. So in a sense, I spread myself too thin and exhaust myself in the process when really I just need to pick one of these to focus on, pour myself into it, and let the other be less important... a secondary interest, if you will. And then I need to not let my sense of self-worth be defined by my shortcomings in either of these areas. Because the cracks will get filled in along the way and I've got an entire lifetime in which to do that.
I've also learned that I hate making decisions, especially when I'm stressed or tired, since I often feel totally inadequate to make decent judgment calls when I'm exhausted like I am right now. Knowledge is power. So I'm not going to force myself to make decisions until its absolutely necessary. It's a lucky day when it only takes me a minute or two to decide what to wear in the morning. So why should I make a hasty decision about grad school or anything else? I shouldn't. Mom always says, "If you don't know what to do, then just wait." So that's what I'm doing.
The most recent thing I've realized about myself is this: turns out I really need boundaries and structure in my life. I hate them. I wish that I didn't need them so badly. But I feel a lot safer, goal-oriented, and motivated to get work done when I have some clear-cut deadlines to meet and boundaries in different areas like scheduling and relationships. Weird how you start realizing all this stuff when your life goes crazy.
Still waiting on something magical to happen... like if spring could come, that would be fantastic.
I officially realized yesterday that I have more to do each day than there are hours in the day available for. It's not a comforting thought. It's been like this all semester and, I can only suspect, will continue for the rest of the semester and eventually get worse. I just want to graduate! But I've learned a lot about myself in this painful process along the way. For one thing, I have definitely realized that I often use my academics to help me feel successful in ways where I feel like I fail as a pianist and vice versa. So in a sense, I spread myself too thin and exhaust myself in the process when really I just need to pick one of these to focus on, pour myself into it, and let the other be less important... a secondary interest, if you will. And then I need to not let my sense of self-worth be defined by my shortcomings in either of these areas. Because the cracks will get filled in along the way and I've got an entire lifetime in which to do that.
I've also learned that I hate making decisions, especially when I'm stressed or tired, since I often feel totally inadequate to make decent judgment calls when I'm exhausted like I am right now. Knowledge is power. So I'm not going to force myself to make decisions until its absolutely necessary. It's a lucky day when it only takes me a minute or two to decide what to wear in the morning. So why should I make a hasty decision about grad school or anything else? I shouldn't. Mom always says, "If you don't know what to do, then just wait." So that's what I'm doing.
The most recent thing I've realized about myself is this: turns out I really need boundaries and structure in my life. I hate them. I wish that I didn't need them so badly. But I feel a lot safer, goal-oriented, and motivated to get work done when I have some clear-cut deadlines to meet and boundaries in different areas like scheduling and relationships. Weird how you start realizing all this stuff when your life goes crazy.
Still waiting on something magical to happen... like if spring could come, that would be fantastic.
Monday, February 15, 2010
magic
I finally finished my first 10-page research project of the semester! Now only 5 more to go :) This first paper was perhaps the hardest, being the first one. Not to mention that it was on a topic I wasn't really familiar with AT ALL: Folklorico dancing. Next is the Prokofiev 3rd Piano Concerto, which will still be slightly intimidating, but at least I'll be more familiar with what I'm dealing with.
Also, yesterday was Valentine's Day... yes, I had a date. And it went well. But not amazing. I'm sort of wishy washy about the whole thing. Feels like no spark right now but then I don't want to just dismiss it after one date... sometimes it takes a while before you can tell. So I really don't know. I know it won't hurt to go out again but conversely, I don't want to waste either his time or mine (not to mention emotions, since he is clearly interested and I am not attached at all). What to do, what to do. I know I will figure it out but I hate making decisions, especially when the answer isn't blaringly obvious and I'm just sort of lukewarm about the whole thing. Thumbs down.
... come to think of it, my attitude towards last night's date sounds about on par with the rest of my life these days. I told my mom last night that I'm just too exhausted in general to make any kind of a firm decision about anything in my life at all right now. At this point, I just want someone to tell me what to do. Mom says that's a dangerous place to be. Don't I know it. But indecisiveness feels safer right now than commitments. Grr, Katie.
Restlessness. That's where I'm at. But I'm more motivated this week than I was last week, so that is definitely an improvement. We'll see how long this bout of motivation lasts...
... final thought: I really just wish something magical would happen that would give me some clear direction and insight into where I need to be, what I'm doing, and who I'm supposed to be with. That would be fantastic. So yeah... I'm waiting on the magic. And it doesn't all have to come at once. But it would sure be nice if it did :)
Also, yesterday was Valentine's Day... yes, I had a date. And it went well. But not amazing. I'm sort of wishy washy about the whole thing. Feels like no spark right now but then I don't want to just dismiss it after one date... sometimes it takes a while before you can tell. So I really don't know. I know it won't hurt to go out again but conversely, I don't want to waste either his time or mine (not to mention emotions, since he is clearly interested and I am not attached at all). What to do, what to do. I know I will figure it out but I hate making decisions, especially when the answer isn't blaringly obvious and I'm just sort of lukewarm about the whole thing. Thumbs down.
... come to think of it, my attitude towards last night's date sounds about on par with the rest of my life these days. I told my mom last night that I'm just too exhausted in general to make any kind of a firm decision about anything in my life at all right now. At this point, I just want someone to tell me what to do. Mom says that's a dangerous place to be. Don't I know it. But indecisiveness feels safer right now than commitments. Grr, Katie.
Restlessness. That's where I'm at. But I'm more motivated this week than I was last week, so that is definitely an improvement. We'll see how long this bout of motivation lasts...
... final thought: I really just wish something magical would happen that would give me some clear direction and insight into where I need to be, what I'm doing, and who I'm supposed to be with. That would be fantastic. So yeah... I'm waiting on the magic. And it doesn't all have to come at once. But it would sure be nice if it did :)
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Victoria
I have to apologize for not blogging sooner... specifically to my Grandma, who seems to be my most avid reader :) Grandma, I'm so glad I can depend on you to keep me accountable to post. In my defense, however, for some reason, I'm not able to access the blogger homepage from my computer. It's really weird. I get a "Bad 400 Error" or whatever and I have to wait to blog from another machine, which is why it's been a while.
Things here, in all honesty, have become quite stressful. So much drama happened last week, it's not even funny. In a nutshell: roommate drama, family drama, boy drama, and then of course academic demands... and then trying to deal with all of this when my best friends live 100 miles from me either way. It's awesome... slash not. But it definitely makes the time I spend with them that much more important. For instance, this weekend I ditched all my responsibilities and went to St. Louis to stay with Halley for Friday night and Saturday. And despite the fact that I'm supposed to be finishing a 10-page paper this weekend, I have to say that I made the best decision I possibly could. We had dinner with her parents, which was wonderful and then went to see "The Young Victoria" together, which was quite possibly one of the most beautiful, touching movies I have ever seen. It very quickly made Katie's top 5 list and can only go up from there once I own it on DVD. Apparently Victoria had Albert's clothes laid out every day after he died at the age of 42 of typhoid for the following 40 years of her reign as a memorial to him... I can only pray I am blessed with such a relationship.
On that note, I guess I should probably mention that the boy is gone... I knew going into it that I could probably clock the entire thing to last maybe 2 weeks, which it did. Two weeks exactly. And all I have to say is: sometimes these things happen, especially when you're dealing with 20-somethings that don't really know what they want. But I was doing perfectly fine before he came along and so have been in the process of transitioning back to that peaceful state of mind.
As far as graduate school goes, there are no further developments, other than the level of Katie's anxiety, which continues to rise as I fret and fuss over the issue. It really is a waiting game. But I had a small revelation in the bathtub the other night when I realized that even though this is a big issue, in God's eyes, this question is no different than whether I should wash my hair on a given day. Yes, it will have consequences and yes, I'll have to make a decision. But to let it fester like this is silly and I should just let go of all the extra worry, wait, and see what happens. So that's what I'm trying to do. Lord knows I have enough on my plate as it is...
But for today, Halley and I have the entire day to spend together: cooking together, a trip to Victoria's Secret (it's going to be a weekend with Victoria, let's be honest), and then possibly dinner on the Hill in St. Louis. And for the moment, just being with her is enough.
Things here, in all honesty, have become quite stressful. So much drama happened last week, it's not even funny. In a nutshell: roommate drama, family drama, boy drama, and then of course academic demands... and then trying to deal with all of this when my best friends live 100 miles from me either way. It's awesome... slash not. But it definitely makes the time I spend with them that much more important. For instance, this weekend I ditched all my responsibilities and went to St. Louis to stay with Halley for Friday night and Saturday. And despite the fact that I'm supposed to be finishing a 10-page paper this weekend, I have to say that I made the best decision I possibly could. We had dinner with her parents, which was wonderful and then went to see "The Young Victoria" together, which was quite possibly one of the most beautiful, touching movies I have ever seen. It very quickly made Katie's top 5 list and can only go up from there once I own it on DVD. Apparently Victoria had Albert's clothes laid out every day after he died at the age of 42 of typhoid for the following 40 years of her reign as a memorial to him... I can only pray I am blessed with such a relationship.
On that note, I guess I should probably mention that the boy is gone... I knew going into it that I could probably clock the entire thing to last maybe 2 weeks, which it did. Two weeks exactly. And all I have to say is: sometimes these things happen, especially when you're dealing with 20-somethings that don't really know what they want. But I was doing perfectly fine before he came along and so have been in the process of transitioning back to that peaceful state of mind.
As far as graduate school goes, there are no further developments, other than the level of Katie's anxiety, which continues to rise as I fret and fuss over the issue. It really is a waiting game. But I had a small revelation in the bathtub the other night when I realized that even though this is a big issue, in God's eyes, this question is no different than whether I should wash my hair on a given day. Yes, it will have consequences and yes, I'll have to make a decision. But to let it fester like this is silly and I should just let go of all the extra worry, wait, and see what happens. So that's what I'm trying to do. Lord knows I have enough on my plate as it is...
But for today, Halley and I have the entire day to spend together: cooking together, a trip to Victoria's Secret (it's going to be a weekend with Victoria, let's be honest), and then possibly dinner on the Hill in St. Louis. And for the moment, just being with her is enough.
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