Some days you're forced to grow up by 5 or 10 years. Holy cow, it feels like death. Suddenly you're out there and you realize afresh that all the safety nets you thought you had in your hands were only illusions after all. It's on days like that when I pray that Jesus would take me home to be with him. Growing pains, simply put, are the. worst.
I also think that being in your 20s must be the worst. Growing up sucks big time. e.e. cummings wasn't lying...
Maybe that's why I identify so much with the middle school kids I work with at church... ? We seem to operate on similar planes in alternate universes.
I'd like to think this means that I'm going to finish growing up and change the world. So often you hear stories about those who change the world and how they experienced abandonment in some form, usually through the death of one or both parents, which propelled said world-changer to get out there and really own their craft or make use of themselves in the larger society.
But I don't know that I've lost enough for that yet... I don't know that I want to lose enough for that...
I think I'd settle for changing a lot. Maybe not changing the whole world, but a lot of it. I think losing enough to change the world has to be incredibly painful, which gives me a new-found respect for those that do. Because losing that much doesn't just feel like death... it is death.
And maybe this is just me being a 20-something female. I think I feel this way during a certain time every month. In fact, I know I do. Maybe it's just how God uses circumstances in my life to get my attention and reset my compass once a month...? Because let's face it, I need it at least that often...
One thing I do know: every time the compass gets reset, I learn to trust myself and those around me less and the person of Jesus even more.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
There was a sweet moment today on the way home from my counseling session where I realized that in the Gospels, Jesus isn't speaking to this situation or that predicament, although her certainly does that. What he's speaking to is you... me. It's the person of Jesus, telling us that he knows we need him... that he came for us. That he willingly gives us himself and takes on our pain... and our sin... in exchange.
Because there are things that I can't do, situations I can't deal with, people I can't control, stuff/things/feelings I have to let go of. And to that he says: I. came. for. you. ...and for that.
On my own, I will always say the wrong thing, or act rightly and then somehow feel guilty for it, or enable, or try to control, or react in anger, or allow bitterness to grow in my heart, or stuff feelings and then let them boil over much later...
It's only out of a heart that's secure in Christ that I'm able to operate in love and wisdom and functionality with those around me.
I am so thankful when he draws me to himself to remind me of this... I am so ready for this to become the new norm.
Because there are things that I can't do, situations I can't deal with, people I can't control, stuff/things/feelings I have to let go of. And to that he says: I. came. for. you. ...and for that.
On my own, I will always say the wrong thing, or act rightly and then somehow feel guilty for it, or enable, or try to control, or react in anger, or allow bitterness to grow in my heart, or stuff feelings and then let them boil over much later...
It's only out of a heart that's secure in Christ that I'm able to operate in love and wisdom and functionality with those around me.
I am so thankful when he draws me to himself to remind me of this... I am so ready for this to become the new norm.
Monday, May 21, 2012
GF veggie burgers
Tonight I made Jenna Weber's (Eat, Live, Run) Boyfriend-Approved Spicy Black Bean Burgers. And holy cow they were delicious. But I tweaked them for the gluten-free and less-spicily-inclined. Think more along the lines of Pianist-Approved Gluten-Free Black Bean Burgers. No spicy. Just awesome.
A couple of tricks if you want to try these, esp if you want to modify them for gluten-free persons...
- Of course, not being a fan of jalepenos, I omitted them and substituted red bell pepper instead. Perfect choice. Mild and sweet. Just the way I like it.
- While doing my grocery shopping at 8 pm tonight, I forgot that I needed ground flax rather than flax seed. I, of course bought flax seed. This is what comes of grocery shopping after 7 pm, but I went ahead and used it anyway as instructed. Worked great. I strained some of the water out with my hands and didn't even use the entire flaxseed mixture. I strained as much as I could without making the overall burger mixture too watery... use your best judgment.
- Instead of using panko breadcrumbs (obviously they are gluten-laden), I substituted almond flour part for part and it was awesome.
- Also, I didn't have a food processor. Haha. I know. How did I pull this one off, you ask? Heat the beans, peppers, and garlic in the microwave for a minute or two and then use a mixer on high. It works when you're in a pinch. No shame. I also left just a tad of the black bean liquid in there to help it blend better without the benefit of the processor.
- Because I left a little more black bean liquid in, I left a little bit of the tomato sauce out. 1 and 1/2 T instead of a full two.
- 3/4 tsp of salt instead of 1 and 1/4 tsp
The burgers are hard to fry, I will be honest. They are not hard to get into the pan. And they are not hard to flip. And they aren't hard to get out of the pan. What's difficult is helping them maintain their shape. Because you're basically frying mush. I mean, let's be honest, if you were really starving and in a pinch for time, you could eat the mixture straight and it would be great. For all practical purposes, frying the burger is just a formality. But it does give it a little crispiness and if you can nail the shape-keeping part of this whole exercise, more power to you. I don't know... maybe I was making mine too big? Or maybe it's because I ended up totally changing her recipe after all lol. Or maybe I just needed to add more flour to help them stick together. Either way, it was only my first time. Literally. Before tonight, I was a veggie burger virgin. Try saying that 5 times fast...
So if you're looking for a new recipe, especially one to try for summer, this is the one for you. It's delicious and the whole recipe will make you roughly 5 nice-sized burgers, possibly more if you make them smaller. I like a big burger though. Adding a gluten-free bun, lettuce, tomato, and slices of avocado made it even better. I'd estimate 12-14 grams of fiber total (including gf bun) for those of you out there counting...
... oh right. That would be none of you. Because apparently I'm 84.
A couple of tricks if you want to try these, esp if you want to modify them for gluten-free persons...
- Of course, not being a fan of jalepenos, I omitted them and substituted red bell pepper instead. Perfect choice. Mild and sweet. Just the way I like it.
- While doing my grocery shopping at 8 pm tonight, I forgot that I needed ground flax rather than flax seed. I, of course bought flax seed. This is what comes of grocery shopping after 7 pm, but I went ahead and used it anyway as instructed. Worked great. I strained some of the water out with my hands and didn't even use the entire flaxseed mixture. I strained as much as I could without making the overall burger mixture too watery... use your best judgment.
- Instead of using panko breadcrumbs (obviously they are gluten-laden), I substituted almond flour part for part and it was awesome.
- Also, I didn't have a food processor. Haha. I know. How did I pull this one off, you ask? Heat the beans, peppers, and garlic in the microwave for a minute or two and then use a mixer on high. It works when you're in a pinch. No shame. I also left just a tad of the black bean liquid in there to help it blend better without the benefit of the processor.
- Because I left a little more black bean liquid in, I left a little bit of the tomato sauce out. 1 and 1/2 T instead of a full two.
- 3/4 tsp of salt instead of 1 and 1/4 tsp
The burgers are hard to fry, I will be honest. They are not hard to get into the pan. And they are not hard to flip. And they aren't hard to get out of the pan. What's difficult is helping them maintain their shape. Because you're basically frying mush. I mean, let's be honest, if you were really starving and in a pinch for time, you could eat the mixture straight and it would be great. For all practical purposes, frying the burger is just a formality. But it does give it a little crispiness and if you can nail the shape-keeping part of this whole exercise, more power to you. I don't know... maybe I was making mine too big? Or maybe it's because I ended up totally changing her recipe after all lol. Or maybe I just needed to add more flour to help them stick together. Either way, it was only my first time. Literally. Before tonight, I was a veggie burger virgin. Try saying that 5 times fast...
So if you're looking for a new recipe, especially one to try for summer, this is the one for you. It's delicious and the whole recipe will make you roughly 5 nice-sized burgers, possibly more if you make them smaller. I like a big burger though. Adding a gluten-free bun, lettuce, tomato, and slices of avocado made it even better. I'd estimate 12-14 grams of fiber total (including gf bun) for those of you out there counting...
... oh right. That would be none of you. Because apparently I'm 84.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
graduation, Jimmy, dragons, and the hat lady
Tonight I am ignoring my water intake obligations and sipping on a new favorite: mango acai herbal tea. Oh, man it is so good. Perfect for a summer evening. This may be my new go-to drink this season... I mean, in addition to my iced coffee every morning. After getting dehydrated last summer, I'll have to be careful, but it will be so worth it.
So much has happened in the last 24 hours. Literally 24 hours. My only regret is that there are no pictures... yet. I think my mom is working on that as we speak though. Hopefully before I'm done here.
Allow me to fill you in:
Last night, my brother graduated from high school. We are all so proud of him and we hardly knew to expect it, but half of the relatives turned out for the occasion. All of my dad's living siblings, two of my cousins, and my first cousin once removed (... or maybe she's my second cousin? I never remember which is right, even though I've googled it several times. Anyway, the daughter of my cousin. I think that's once removed... right? Oh well, either way... I digress...)
But the ceremony was something else. Mom and Dad have higher opinions of it than I do, and I think that's wonderful. I'll try to be as gracious as possible here, but when the salutatorian begins his speech with the word "So...," you know you're in for an interesting evening. This was followed by the valedictorian, who spoke well for the most part, right up til she ended her speech with a quote from someone else (which really isn't terrible, but it's still a no-no in my book), and of course, the keynote speaker who broke out into song no less than four times throughout his address. When I told Dr. B about this, he asked me what songs this man sang and I had to confess that I didn't know a single one of them, which Dr. B found hilariously ironic, since it was a Christian ceremony at a Christian high school addressing a Christian audience who surely should be able to relate to all of this accordingly. It made it just a tad awkward for everyone concerned and I must say, pretty hilarious too. By the fourth time he started singing, my sister and I were nearly in gales of silent laughter, trying to contain ourselves there in the fourth row of bleachers.
Conclusion: nobody knows how to write a speech anymore.
And then we were asked to please hold our applause during the presentation of diplomas until all the graduates had walked across stage. Right. Like that was gonna happen...
Anyway, Nick graduated. And all the family in attendance went to Mom's for ice cream afterwards and we had a lovely time eating ice cream sundaes together at 10 pm.
I just love this picture.
Then this morning, I saw an old friend ( ...an old flame, shall I say? But that is all water under the bridge these days. He has been only a good friend for some time now and will always be that way... we are just absolutely birds of two different feathers. Not to mention that I just enjoy him more as a person when I'm not attached to him. Again I digress...). Anyway, he passed through town early this morning on his way back to New York... just a week or so ago he graduated from the Manhattan School of Music, which is a major and well-earned accomplishment.
And I am so glad I didn't go to grad school. After talking to him... what a nightmare! I won't go into details, but his story will be one of the horror stories among many Americans' (many artists and musicians, especially) that goes down in the book of student loan nightmares... because the university system is perpetuating itself and quickly turning into a business by upping the price of tuition and diluting the overall worth of a degree. Degree inflation, do they call it? But I won't get on that soapbox here. What makes me so sad for my friend is that when I asked him if he felt like it was worth it, he said no. Apparently all throughout his course of study, his teacher played favorites. He said he wasn't ever really one of them and he didn't feel like he learned much more than he already knew. So, so sad. It makes me super happy that I'm able to study with Professor Burkhart privately and that it's going well. The good news is that with a masters from that school, Jimmy can basically go anywhere in the country and charge whatever he wants for either teaching or accompanying. But he won't. Because that's just the way he is... he's going to try to make it as a performing artist in the city that never sleeps. More power to him... and yet again I say: I am so glad I didn't go down that path, which is not to say grad school isn't in the cards for me. But it will be on my terms. Regardless, it was good seeing him and good catching up, even though we only had about 45 minutes. He was going to try to drive from Columbia to New York in a day i.e. for now, he belongs in the city that never sleeps. I wish him lots and lots of luck. But more than that, lots and lots of wisdom as he heads down a very difficult path.
Then after church this afternoon, I treated myself to a trip to the Botanical Gardens to see the corpse flower that is blooming there over the next 2-3 days. Apparently it can go for long periods without blooming and when it finally does, it smells like rotting meat, which helps attract pollinators. In truth, it looks like something extremely phallic, surrounded by something inherently feminine, if you get my drift... which I know you do. This is where I regret not having pictures so you could see it for yourself. The Wikipedia link above will have to suffice for now. Anyway, the point of all this is that this fascinating specimen brought me to the Garden, and when I got there, I found that they were setting up for the start of the Chinese Lantern Festival next weekend... i.e. it was amazing. In addition to beautiful Chinese lanterns set up throughout and red and yellow streamers hanging from trees, they had two HUGE dragons assembled (facing each other) just beyond the rose garden, whose supports were at intervals among the two rectangular ponds on either side of the large circular pond. And the clincher was that both of these dragons are made entirely of china plates. It is absolutely mind blowing. There are cups and saucers too, but the majority is plates, which are the dragon scales all throughout. The entire structure is formed and held together by metal grating, which adjoins each piece of china to the other. I wish I could adequately explain, but words are failing me... I will post pictures later, when I'm able to steal Mom's camera and go back again.
Anyway, after the Garden, I decided that since this was my first real day off with nowhere to be and no responsibilities to anyone and no ability to practice (since the music building at school is closed on the weekends over the summer) that I was going to go look at hats... and take as long as I pleased. The only good place I know to buy or even look at a decent hat selection is at Dillards in the Galleria. I remember acquiring one for Easter many, many years ago when I was maybe ten or eleven... a hat flop if ever there was one. Nevertheless, I tripped off to the Galleria... just to look of course, and was pleasantly surprised to find the entire stock on sale for 40% off. Sometimes I have inherently amazing timing. I won't tell you how long I spent looking, but you can absolutely believe that I tried on nearly everything they had in stock and was finally in the process of narrowing the search down between two or three, when I glanced over to ask a lady nearby her opinion. And it was just my luck that this wonderful woman (who happened to be a minor expert in hats) had compassion on me, promptly shut down her phone conversation, came over, and started teaching me her hat magic. And boy did she have wisdom to impart. And let me just say: after today's lesson, it is clear to me that white girls like yours truly just don't know how it's done. I was so thankful for her. Apparently the secret is in the tilt. As she says, "You can't just flop on a hat and walk out the door... You gotta tilt it the right way, like that, so it looks nice. And then you gotta just wear it with confidence. Don't be afraid to be you." I nod in understanding as she says all this and give her a verbal affirmative. I look in the mirror. It looks much better than before. She tilts it again, a little bit more. I look in the mirror again to find myself, but not just myself... a lady with intelligent eyes and fair skin staring back at me. Whoa. I just grew up another ten years...
But this hat-wearing business is something I'm for sure a believer in... and not just for myself, but for the public at large too. For months now, whenever I've walked by a woman who's brave enough to wear a hat out in public, I tell her how much I like it and how becoming it is on her. I guess you could say I have an agenda (thanks to Dr. B) to bring back hats and flowers. They're too pretty to be a thing of the past.
And I have to say, that wonderful lady... well, she's the one that sold me on it personally today. Otherwise, I probably would have spent two hours looking, frowned in dismay, and walked away to think about it some more. Bless that lovely hat woman, whoever she may be.
And there will for sure be a hat-wearing learning curve to follow, I have no doubt. But that will be in undoubtedly hilarious posts yet to come. Possibly pictures too...
... what was it e.e. cummings said? "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are..."
Yeah. That. What he said... :)
So much has happened in the last 24 hours. Literally 24 hours. My only regret is that there are no pictures... yet. I think my mom is working on that as we speak though. Hopefully before I'm done here.
Allow me to fill you in:
Last night, my brother graduated from high school. We are all so proud of him and we hardly knew to expect it, but half of the relatives turned out for the occasion. All of my dad's living siblings, two of my cousins, and my first cousin once removed (... or maybe she's my second cousin? I never remember which is right, even though I've googled it several times. Anyway, the daughter of my cousin. I think that's once removed... right? Oh well, either way... I digress...)
But the ceremony was something else. Mom and Dad have higher opinions of it than I do, and I think that's wonderful. I'll try to be as gracious as possible here, but when the salutatorian begins his speech with the word "So...," you know you're in for an interesting evening. This was followed by the valedictorian, who spoke well for the most part, right up til she ended her speech with a quote from someone else (which really isn't terrible, but it's still a no-no in my book), and of course, the keynote speaker who broke out into song no less than four times throughout his address. When I told Dr. B about this, he asked me what songs this man sang and I had to confess that I didn't know a single one of them, which Dr. B found hilariously ironic, since it was a Christian ceremony at a Christian high school addressing a Christian audience who surely should be able to relate to all of this accordingly. It made it just a tad awkward for everyone concerned and I must say, pretty hilarious too. By the fourth time he started singing, my sister and I were nearly in gales of silent laughter, trying to contain ourselves there in the fourth row of bleachers.
Conclusion: nobody knows how to write a speech anymore.
And then we were asked to please hold our applause during the presentation of diplomas until all the graduates had walked across stage. Right. Like that was gonna happen...
Anyway, Nick graduated. And all the family in attendance went to Mom's for ice cream afterwards and we had a lovely time eating ice cream sundaes together at 10 pm.
Then this morning, I saw an old friend ( ...an old flame, shall I say? But that is all water under the bridge these days. He has been only a good friend for some time now and will always be that way... we are just absolutely birds of two different feathers. Not to mention that I just enjoy him more as a person when I'm not attached to him. Again I digress...). Anyway, he passed through town early this morning on his way back to New York... just a week or so ago he graduated from the Manhattan School of Music, which is a major and well-earned accomplishment.
And I am so glad I didn't go to grad school. After talking to him... what a nightmare! I won't go into details, but his story will be one of the horror stories among many Americans' (many artists and musicians, especially) that goes down in the book of student loan nightmares... because the university system is perpetuating itself and quickly turning into a business by upping the price of tuition and diluting the overall worth of a degree. Degree inflation, do they call it? But I won't get on that soapbox here. What makes me so sad for my friend is that when I asked him if he felt like it was worth it, he said no. Apparently all throughout his course of study, his teacher played favorites. He said he wasn't ever really one of them and he didn't feel like he learned much more than he already knew. So, so sad. It makes me super happy that I'm able to study with Professor Burkhart privately and that it's going well. The good news is that with a masters from that school, Jimmy can basically go anywhere in the country and charge whatever he wants for either teaching or accompanying. But he won't. Because that's just the way he is... he's going to try to make it as a performing artist in the city that never sleeps. More power to him... and yet again I say: I am so glad I didn't go down that path, which is not to say grad school isn't in the cards for me. But it will be on my terms. Regardless, it was good seeing him and good catching up, even though we only had about 45 minutes. He was going to try to drive from Columbia to New York in a day i.e. for now, he belongs in the city that never sleeps. I wish him lots and lots of luck. But more than that, lots and lots of wisdom as he heads down a very difficult path.
Then after church this afternoon, I treated myself to a trip to the Botanical Gardens to see the corpse flower that is blooming there over the next 2-3 days. Apparently it can go for long periods without blooming and when it finally does, it smells like rotting meat, which helps attract pollinators. In truth, it looks like something extremely phallic, surrounded by something inherently feminine, if you get my drift... which I know you do. This is where I regret not having pictures so you could see it for yourself. The Wikipedia link above will have to suffice for now. Anyway, the point of all this is that this fascinating specimen brought me to the Garden, and when I got there, I found that they were setting up for the start of the Chinese Lantern Festival next weekend... i.e. it was amazing. In addition to beautiful Chinese lanterns set up throughout and red and yellow streamers hanging from trees, they had two HUGE dragons assembled (facing each other) just beyond the rose garden, whose supports were at intervals among the two rectangular ponds on either side of the large circular pond. And the clincher was that both of these dragons are made entirely of china plates. It is absolutely mind blowing. There are cups and saucers too, but the majority is plates, which are the dragon scales all throughout. The entire structure is formed and held together by metal grating, which adjoins each piece of china to the other. I wish I could adequately explain, but words are failing me... I will post pictures later, when I'm able to steal Mom's camera and go back again.
Anyway, after the Garden, I decided that since this was my first real day off with nowhere to be and no responsibilities to anyone and no ability to practice (since the music building at school is closed on the weekends over the summer) that I was going to go look at hats... and take as long as I pleased. The only good place I know to buy or even look at a decent hat selection is at Dillards in the Galleria. I remember acquiring one for Easter many, many years ago when I was maybe ten or eleven... a hat flop if ever there was one. Nevertheless, I tripped off to the Galleria... just to look of course, and was pleasantly surprised to find the entire stock on sale for 40% off. Sometimes I have inherently amazing timing. I won't tell you how long I spent looking, but you can absolutely believe that I tried on nearly everything they had in stock and was finally in the process of narrowing the search down between two or three, when I glanced over to ask a lady nearby her opinion. And it was just my luck that this wonderful woman (who happened to be a minor expert in hats) had compassion on me, promptly shut down her phone conversation, came over, and started teaching me her hat magic. And boy did she have wisdom to impart. And let me just say: after today's lesson, it is clear to me that white girls like yours truly just don't know how it's done. I was so thankful for her. Apparently the secret is in the tilt. As she says, "You can't just flop on a hat and walk out the door... You gotta tilt it the right way, like that, so it looks nice. And then you gotta just wear it with confidence. Don't be afraid to be you." I nod in understanding as she says all this and give her a verbal affirmative. I look in the mirror. It looks much better than before. She tilts it again, a little bit more. I look in the mirror again to find myself, but not just myself... a lady with intelligent eyes and fair skin staring back at me. Whoa. I just grew up another ten years...
But this hat-wearing business is something I'm for sure a believer in... and not just for myself, but for the public at large too. For months now, whenever I've walked by a woman who's brave enough to wear a hat out in public, I tell her how much I like it and how becoming it is on her. I guess you could say I have an agenda (thanks to Dr. B) to bring back hats and flowers. They're too pretty to be a thing of the past.
And I have to say, that wonderful lady... well, she's the one that sold me on it personally today. Otherwise, I probably would have spent two hours looking, frowned in dismay, and walked away to think about it some more. Bless that lovely hat woman, whoever she may be.
And there will for sure be a hat-wearing learning curve to follow, I have no doubt. But that will be in undoubtedly hilarious posts yet to come. Possibly pictures too...
... what was it e.e. cummings said? "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are..."
Yeah. That. What he said... :)
Friday, May 18, 2012
dear einstein...
Found a great blog today, courtesy of my community group leader Robbie. He and his family are moving to England this fall so that he can start a PhD course in New Testament philosophy at Durham University. He is an amazing man, married to an awesome woman. In the process of finding the right school for his PhD endeavors, he was accepted to both Oxford and Cambridge and turned them both down. I will miss him and his wife and their three boys greatly.
You can read the blog post he found and posted recently HERE. It's a letter to Einstein from a 14-yr-old girl.
"Dear Einstein: Do Scientists Pray?..."
You can read the blog post he found and posted recently HERE. It's a letter to Einstein from a 14-yr-old girl.
"Dear Einstein: Do Scientists Pray?..."
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
speed bumps
My mom informs me that my grandma doesn't think I post enough details on my blog about anything. For better or worse, today's post is for you, Grandma:
We are so, so, soooo close to the end. I am exhausted, not necessarily from things done today or yesterday or the day before that, but from the semester in general. And when I get to this point, I do not deal very gracefully with myself. I am far from perfect and there are days when I feel it quite intensely about myself. And it drives me insane. And in the process of driving myself insane, I usually drive everyone around me insane without meaning to, unless I keep it in. And then I inevitably have a meltdown of some kind. And if I happen to be by myself when this meltdown occurs, I will usually have a second one later when I'm with someone else. Misery (even if primarily triggered by exhaustion) loves company.
I am so proud of my students. They've done marvelously this year. They too, are badly in need of a break though. Each lesson finds them funnier and loopier, and yet closer and closer to the point of meltdown just like their sweet teacher. It's time we all got off the ship.
And I keep thinking that I just need to be alone, which is true to some extent. But I've been alone a lot this semester and the truth is, I miss my friends... or what I thought were my friends six months ago anyway. I feel the number of people who inherently understand me and actually care to dwindle more and more as the months go by, which is a hard thought to face. I don't necessarily think it's actually true, but it sure feels that way at the moment. I've been living in a cave and few people have bothered to stop by. I don't blame them, but as introverted as I may be, I am not an island. As Dr. B says, "It all has to do with expectations..." Le sigh.
And then there are days when it's not enough that you're forced to face your own imperfections and limitations, but society seems like it's ready to pounce on you with anything and everything that will inevitably overwhelm you. Just today I read an article about the 10 worst food ingredients you should avoid like the plague. And it's true. MSG and Splenda and rBGH and BHA (and of all things I didn't realize, Agave... who knew??) are so bad for you. But when you're struggling to feel like anyone out there cares because 1. you either haven't seen them in months, or 2. they're all married and having babies now, or 3. both, the last thing you need is to find out is that in addition to gluten, you really shouldn't be eating anything else either. Pretty soon the only thing I'll be able to eat is grass... or so my sister tells me.
So I'm literally a starving artist who lives in a cave.
I shouldn't take it personally. It's just life. We all go through periods of exhaustion and isolation. And no amount of coffee or distractions can take it away. Even my pup is tired of cuddling with me. She can only take a certain amount of cooing and sighing before she walks away and gives me the "I'm good, thanks" look.
It's a little much. It's actually pretty overwhelming. Today is an overwhelming day...
... today is a whiny day, let's be honest. And it has to come out somehow.
I don't know how people do it. I completely understand now why Dr. Budds always tells me he "doesn't like to suffer in silence." I so get that. He also says that "Life is a series of adjustments" and today I am not adjusting very well... mostly to myself. And the truth is, life is just hard some days, without much explanation why. There will be better days to come, I know. Just today is hard. And eventually I will learn how to build bridges and get over days like these... speed bumps, I guess you could call them. Comforting on some level that there's a learning curve and grace in the process.
There's a saying among musicians (a quote by the famous trumpeter Vincent Chicowicz): "The battle isn't with the instrument, it is with ourselves." So, so true... and not just in music.
Anyway I look forward to seeing you and Grandpa this weekend at Nick's graduation. Thanks for reading and be safe driving down here. See you soon.
We are so, so, soooo close to the end. I am exhausted, not necessarily from things done today or yesterday or the day before that, but from the semester in general. And when I get to this point, I do not deal very gracefully with myself. I am far from perfect and there are days when I feel it quite intensely about myself. And it drives me insane. And in the process of driving myself insane, I usually drive everyone around me insane without meaning to, unless I keep it in. And then I inevitably have a meltdown of some kind. And if I happen to be by myself when this meltdown occurs, I will usually have a second one later when I'm with someone else. Misery (even if primarily triggered by exhaustion) loves company.
I am so proud of my students. They've done marvelously this year. They too, are badly in need of a break though. Each lesson finds them funnier and loopier, and yet closer and closer to the point of meltdown just like their sweet teacher. It's time we all got off the ship.
And I keep thinking that I just need to be alone, which is true to some extent. But I've been alone a lot this semester and the truth is, I miss my friends... or what I thought were my friends six months ago anyway. I feel the number of people who inherently understand me and actually care to dwindle more and more as the months go by, which is a hard thought to face. I don't necessarily think it's actually true, but it sure feels that way at the moment. I've been living in a cave and few people have bothered to stop by. I don't blame them, but as introverted as I may be, I am not an island. As Dr. B says, "It all has to do with expectations..." Le sigh.
And then there are days when it's not enough that you're forced to face your own imperfections and limitations, but society seems like it's ready to pounce on you with anything and everything that will inevitably overwhelm you. Just today I read an article about the 10 worst food ingredients you should avoid like the plague. And it's true. MSG and Splenda and rBGH and BHA (and of all things I didn't realize, Agave... who knew??) are so bad for you. But when you're struggling to feel like anyone out there cares because 1. you either haven't seen them in months, or 2. they're all married and having babies now, or 3. both, the last thing you need is to find out is that in addition to gluten, you really shouldn't be eating anything else either. Pretty soon the only thing I'll be able to eat is grass... or so my sister tells me.
So I'm literally a starving artist who lives in a cave.
I shouldn't take it personally. It's just life. We all go through periods of exhaustion and isolation. And no amount of coffee or distractions can take it away. Even my pup is tired of cuddling with me. She can only take a certain amount of cooing and sighing before she walks away and gives me the "I'm good, thanks" look.
It's a little much. It's actually pretty overwhelming. Today is an overwhelming day...
... today is a whiny day, let's be honest. And it has to come out somehow.
I don't know how people do it. I completely understand now why Dr. Budds always tells me he "doesn't like to suffer in silence." I so get that. He also says that "Life is a series of adjustments" and today I am not adjusting very well... mostly to myself. And the truth is, life is just hard some days, without much explanation why. There will be better days to come, I know. Just today is hard. And eventually I will learn how to build bridges and get over days like these... speed bumps, I guess you could call them. Comforting on some level that there's a learning curve and grace in the process.
There's a saying among musicians (a quote by the famous trumpeter Vincent Chicowicz): "The battle isn't with the instrument, it is with ourselves." So, so true... and not just in music.
Anyway I look forward to seeing you and Grandpa this weekend at Nick's graduation. Thanks for reading and be safe driving down here. See you soon.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
dearest baby brother...
Dearest baby brother... 5.12.12
Friday was your last day of high school. You are done. Soon, you will be heading off into the wild on a journey to find your way into adulthood. Granted, college will be another time of learning for you. But this chapter is over now and you are about to embark on the next one.
Kates
Friday was your last day of high school. You are done. Soon, you will be heading off into the wild on a journey to find your way into adulthood. Granted, college will be another time of learning for you. But this chapter is over now and you are about to embark on the next one.
I want to tell you some things before you go, mostly because
you mean so much to me, but also because I’ve been there and while I may not be
the oracle of all wisdom, there are some things that as your sister, I have
learned along the way and I want you to know:
- Don’t be afraid of yourself. When I was your age, I had absolutely no idea who I was, mostly because I’d been dating someone for two years and learned to completely wrap up my identity in their existence. It took me a long time to let go of him, as well as the dream that I would find myself when I found a mate. It took me a long time to come to terms with myself. It has only been in the last year that I have gotten to know myself and not been afraid of or intimidated by what I see. Do not hesitate to be by yourself. I’ve spent a lot of time alone this year and a lot of time caring less what people think. The sooner you allow yourself to get to this point, the happier you will be in general.
- Don’t be afraid of pain. It is God’s megaphone to you. He will literally scream himself to you in your pain. And it is his grace to you. You will meet with pain at some point and no one else will be able to go with you. No human, no material thing will be able to take it away or touch the hurt in a way that makes it go away. I pray you meet it with grace and humility. I pray you submit to it and let it change you to be more like the man you’re supposed to be… that is, to be more like Jesus. Remember this one thing, if nothing else: only the Lord can take your pain from you, and only he can decide when it’s time for your suffering to be over. And as it says in Exodus 6:6, “Then you will know that I am the Lord your God…” He will save you from the point of destruction. But only him. So often, this is how we come face to face with the person of Jesus… when we have absolutely nothing left to cling to but his presence. No, he cannot hug you. No, he cannot actually speak to you in person as a friend or family member. But he offers you something better: life and purpose, found only in him. This is the bedrock of the gospel. I, too, am still learning this…
- Find what you love and do it. Forget about whether it makes money or not. Yes, you have to pay your bills. Yes, you have to be able to feed and clothe yourself and your family someday. But it is more important that you do what you love. Too many Americans trudge to work every day, sit at a desk for four hours, eat a ham sandwich for lunch, sit at their desk for another four hours, and then trudge home for an hour or more in traffic. And it would be one thing if they loved doing that, but God knows they do not. Do not head down that route. Whatever it is that you love and are good at, if it makes enough money to live, then do it. Go out there and find it and don’t delay or divert from that path. Take hold of it and pour yourself into it wholeheartedly. Find purpose in your work. People want to work with people who love what they do. Strive towards being a passionate and happy professional someday. Your work should be life-giving, not life-sucking.
- Do yourself (and your future family) a favor and go see a counselor at some point. Our family of origin has been through a lot. You will probably find that you want someone to talk to about it.
- Learn to long for Heaven. I don’t mean cherubs strumming harps and everyone hanging out in the clouds. I also do not mean standing around in choir robes singing gospel music with hands lifted. That is a terrible view of Heaven and absolutely nothing to look forward to. It is in fact crap, not to mention completely unbiblical. Nobody wants to put their hope in the idea of being ghost-like creatures with wings going around singing all the time. What I am talking about is the reality of the new Heaven and the new earth, which will be this world that we live in now, redeemed, restored, and a deeper, more rich and beautiful earth than we have ever known or can imagine: a new earth where creation will no longer groan and we will have the same bodies, redeemed and restored in the way they were intended, without physical or emotional ailments or pain. I also mean being in the presence of Jesus forever, because that is what I ultimately pray you learn to long for. Nothing (and I mean nothing) in this world is worth living for: nothing. I pray you realize that while there are good things here, it will never be enough to satisfy your restless heart. And yes, that realization feels like death… because it is. It’s death to self. Only being in the presence of Jesus forever, uninhabited by sin or pain, will satisfy the restlessness and longing and ache that means being human. And we will only realize it fully in Heaven when he comes for us again.
- Find someone to be equally yoked with. I don’t necessarily mean in terms of being a Christian or not. There are plenty of Christians out there who don’t know a thing about what it means to actually know the person of Jesus or how to love sacrificially or be loved or how to long for Heaven. Find someone who will be Jesus to you and who you can be Jesus to, who is your equal (or better) intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually… who understands you for the most part (because no other human being will ever completely understand you) and loves you anyway. Learn to treat her well, like you do us girls – the females in your family of origin. Learn to love her as Christ loves the church. He gave himself up for it, you know… learn how to be self-sacrificing in a relationship without completely losing yourself or allowing yourself to be walked all over. There’s a balance between being a leader and a servant. You’ll lead best by serving her. And by calmly asserting and communicating your thoughts in a way she can understand. For that, you’ll have to actually get to know her. That’s part of loving her… whoever she may be.
- Learn to be brave and tell the truth when necessary. Don’t beat around the bush with people. Tell them what you actually think in the kindest and most loving way possible. And when you don’t have to say anything, learn to keep your mouth shut. It will save you from immeasurable heartache. Words, once spoken (or written or posted online), can’t be taken back, regardless of the delete button.
And last but not least, I’m going to miss you… so, so
much. Come home now and then. I will want to go ice skating and ride bikes
and get ice cream again, even when you’re at the end of your college career,
ready to enter the workforce, and I’m 30 years old.
I love you.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
stolen from Jamie
Stole this from my friend, Jamie...
"
ut anyone who has truly suffered will know that when it comes to the real thing there is no help for it, no human help whatsoever. Simply put, when we are in a deep dark hole we cannot think our way out; neither can we hope, sing, pray or even love our way out. In fact, there is absolutely nothing either we or anyone else can do to better our situation. We can have faith, yes; but faith in itself will not change anything. Neither faith, nor any other good thing that a person might have or do, can actually lift the cloud, move the mountain, or bring about an end to the problem. Only the Lord himself can do that, and when he does, as Exodus 6:6 puts it, 'Then you will know that I am the LORD your God, who brought you out from under the yoke...'
How will we know? Simply because nothing and no one else could possibly have done it. In this kind of crucible, therefore, we come to a new understanding of what it means to be saved, what it means to be snatched away from the brink of Destruction. Here we get down to the bedrock of the gospel."
- Mike Mason, The Gospel according to Job
"
ut anyone who has truly suffered will know that when it comes to the real thing there is no help for it, no human help whatsoever. Simply put, when we are in a deep dark hole we cannot think our way out; neither can we hope, sing, pray or even love our way out. In fact, there is absolutely nothing either we or anyone else can do to better our situation. We can have faith, yes; but faith in itself will not change anything. Neither faith, nor any other good thing that a person might have or do, can actually lift the cloud, move the mountain, or bring about an end to the problem. Only the Lord himself can do that, and when he does, as Exodus 6:6 puts it, 'Then you will know that I am the LORD your God, who brought you out from under the yoke...'
How will we know? Simply because nothing and no one else could possibly have done it. In this kind of crucible, therefore, we come to a new understanding of what it means to be saved, what it means to be snatched away from the brink of Destruction. Here we get down to the bedrock of the gospel."
- Mike Mason, The Gospel according to Job
little bunny foo foo
8 am lesson this morning meant a philosophical and ethical discussion
with my 7-yr-old on the ramifications of Little Bunny Foo Foo's
mean-spirited behavior towards a certain number of field mice. This is a common piece that my younger students study in the challenge book of the first non-preparatory level of the method series (Faber) I put my kids in... it's a great piece. For one thing, they love it, which means they'll practice it, even though it's fairly challenging. For another, there's hands-together playing, minor mode sections, hand position changes, modulations, and a POOF hexachord at the end where she turns him into a goon. All the good stuff.
(me): "Think of the fairy as a GOOD fairy. She's unhappy with Little Bunny Foo Foo because he's mean to the field mice. Musically that's represented here in the minor sections (pointing). And, you know, if the goon creeps you out, pretend that she turns him into a lizard instead..."
Her response? "Well yeah, I guess that makes sense. He has to be punished somehow..."
Hahaha my life... love. it. ♥
(me): "Think of the fairy as a GOOD fairy. She's unhappy with Little Bunny Foo Foo because he's mean to the field mice. Musically that's represented here in the minor sections (pointing). And, you know, if the goon creeps you out, pretend that she turns him into a lizard instead..."
Her response? "Well yeah, I guess that makes sense. He has to be punished somehow..."
Hahaha my life... love. it. ♥
Monday, May 7, 2012
PIANO
[meant to post this last Friday (5.4.12) when I had the morning off, but didn't finish it until tonight...]
You'll have to excuse my tardiness. I've been meaning to post this for a while and am just now getting around to it...
A couple of weeks ago I had two of the best lessons I've had all semester with my two Thursday girls. Awesome is literally the word. I've had both of these girls for two years... wow: two years now. I'm getting old...
My first girl on Thursday afternoons is in eighth grade this year and she's struggled with hand tremors the entire time I've had her as a student. Her mom told me when we started that she's had them since she was a little girl and the pediatrician had told them they would eventually go away. And they did in a lot of things, but piano was still lagging, because it requires such fine motor skills and focused coordination. They've gotten better with time and practice, but recently there has been a marked difference. Since March, I'd been determined to get them under control after the judge at Federation had made a comment on her score sheet about uneven runs. So we worked. We focused a lot on scales and how to work on them: dotted, backwards dotted, 5-finger scales in contrary motion to practice the LH thumb turn, scale sprints. And we talked about what goes through her brain when she's working on scales. I strongly encouraged her to focus during her technical exercises and not just think about homework or what's for dinner. It's so easy to check out while working on technique... of all people, I know this.
But then during her lesson several weeks ago, she played them with the most control I've ever seen her play them. There were a few blips... instances where she lost focus, or made a fingering slip, or wasn't thinking about what was next. But overall, it was pretty amazing to watch. We talked afterward about how she'd been practicing and what she'd been thinking about. Long story short? She'd learned how to literally focus the tremors out. I find that incredible. I was so proud of her. I knew she could do it. And to be honest, I hadn't really known for sure what would work for her. I knew where I wanted her to be and I knew what had worked for me in straightening out some of my scalar technique. I also knew that the fifty billion different ways I gave her to practice her scales would help. But they were a means to an end (still are!)... the end being learning how to focus and think clearly during an activity that is otherwise difficult, dry, and boring. Because I mean, who likes practicing scales? Well, besides my former professor...
My other Thursday girl has made leaps and bounds of progress this semester too, and it really came out in her lesson a few weeks ago. This year she has struggled in general with anxiety a little and from what I can tell, exhaustion at times too. Together, I think it has made piano (both performing and practice) difficult in ways that it didn't use to be for her.
But then, she decided to drop tennis. And her scrapbooking club ended. And basketball ended. And all of a sudden, the only activities she was participating in were piano and Girls on the Run (and maybe Girl Scouts?). Lessons for the last month have been truly delightful because she's been practicing more and therefore, enjoying it. She is more prepared for our upcoming recital than ever before. And even though she played through a panic attack last semester and I was so proud of her for working through that insanely difficult thing at such a young age, I really think this is going to be a different kind of positive experience for her. The other night we were going over recital pieces, one of which will be "Little Bunny Foo Foo," complete with narration and a POOF chord at the end. I fully expect it to be one of the highlights of the program :)
And as we were ending her lesson that night, she told me that she'd been practicing at school during her music time. Um, extra practice time? Yes please! And then she told me she'd come up with an acronym for piano, based on the things she'd been learning / realizing recently. If this doesn't kill you with cuteness and profundity, I don't know what will... kids say the most incredible things.
P... prepared
I... independent
A... awesome (lol)
N... (k)nowledge (again... lol)
O... open to new songs (or, for Katie: Oh snap... that is hilarious and amazing)
Seriously? I am so. incredibly. lucky :)
You'll have to excuse my tardiness. I've been meaning to post this for a while and am just now getting around to it...
A couple of weeks ago I had two of the best lessons I've had all semester with my two Thursday girls. Awesome is literally the word. I've had both of these girls for two years... wow: two years now. I'm getting old...
My first girl on Thursday afternoons is in eighth grade this year and she's struggled with hand tremors the entire time I've had her as a student. Her mom told me when we started that she's had them since she was a little girl and the pediatrician had told them they would eventually go away. And they did in a lot of things, but piano was still lagging, because it requires such fine motor skills and focused coordination. They've gotten better with time and practice, but recently there has been a marked difference. Since March, I'd been determined to get them under control after the judge at Federation had made a comment on her score sheet about uneven runs. So we worked. We focused a lot on scales and how to work on them: dotted, backwards dotted, 5-finger scales in contrary motion to practice the LH thumb turn, scale sprints. And we talked about what goes through her brain when she's working on scales. I strongly encouraged her to focus during her technical exercises and not just think about homework or what's for dinner. It's so easy to check out while working on technique... of all people, I know this.
But then during her lesson several weeks ago, she played them with the most control I've ever seen her play them. There were a few blips... instances where she lost focus, or made a fingering slip, or wasn't thinking about what was next. But overall, it was pretty amazing to watch. We talked afterward about how she'd been practicing and what she'd been thinking about. Long story short? She'd learned how to literally focus the tremors out. I find that incredible. I was so proud of her. I knew she could do it. And to be honest, I hadn't really known for sure what would work for her. I knew where I wanted her to be and I knew what had worked for me in straightening out some of my scalar technique. I also knew that the fifty billion different ways I gave her to practice her scales would help. But they were a means to an end (still are!)... the end being learning how to focus and think clearly during an activity that is otherwise difficult, dry, and boring. Because I mean, who likes practicing scales? Well, besides my former professor...
My other Thursday girl has made leaps and bounds of progress this semester too, and it really came out in her lesson a few weeks ago. This year she has struggled in general with anxiety a little and from what I can tell, exhaustion at times too. Together, I think it has made piano (both performing and practice) difficult in ways that it didn't use to be for her.
But then, she decided to drop tennis. And her scrapbooking club ended. And basketball ended. And all of a sudden, the only activities she was participating in were piano and Girls on the Run (and maybe Girl Scouts?). Lessons for the last month have been truly delightful because she's been practicing more and therefore, enjoying it. She is more prepared for our upcoming recital than ever before. And even though she played through a panic attack last semester and I was so proud of her for working through that insanely difficult thing at such a young age, I really think this is going to be a different kind of positive experience for her. The other night we were going over recital pieces, one of which will be "Little Bunny Foo Foo," complete with narration and a POOF chord at the end. I fully expect it to be one of the highlights of the program :)
And as we were ending her lesson that night, she told me that she'd been practicing at school during her music time. Um, extra practice time? Yes please! And then she told me she'd come up with an acronym for piano, based on the things she'd been learning / realizing recently. If this doesn't kill you with cuteness and profundity, I don't know what will... kids say the most incredible things.
P... prepared
I... independent
A... awesome (lol)
N... (k)nowledge (again... lol)
O... open to new songs (or, for Katie: Oh snap... that is hilarious and amazing)
Seriously? I am so. incredibly. lucky :)
mein Rosenbusch
My rosebush is going CRAZY! The poor thing is too big for itself and its container. And the container isn't exactly small. Tonight I had to cut off almost all of its blooms, since there were blooms toppling over from rain, leaves / branches that were dying because they were covered up by other leaves / branches / blooms, and new buds that were starting to look like they didn't even have a chance. The vase by the kitchen sink is overflowing now and I know my roommates are going to take one look at the bush, come inside and see the vase, and think I'm crazy. But they know nothing about plants so whatever. They can think what they want. I'll fertilize again by the end of the week and it'll be going crazy again in another month or so... just in time for birthday, now that I think about it :)
Wish I still had my mom's camera so I could post a picture. Maybe in the next couple of days if I see her tomorrow night at the spring concert, she can bring it and I can borrow it again for a bit...
Wish I still had my mom's camera so I could post a picture. Maybe in the next couple of days if I see her tomorrow night at the spring concert, she can bring it and I can borrow it again for a bit...
Thursday, May 3, 2012
peaches
Grandma, you will appreciate this one:
Today I thinned out the peach tree at Mom's. It was perfect. Mom had paid some guy to mow the yard just yesterday so the felled fruit doesn't screw up anyone's blades. And she hasn't had time to thin it out, so I figured I'd take care of it while I was out there. But I am now a sweaty, itchy, peach-fuzz-covered mess. And I'll get to stay this way all afternoon while I teach. Awesome :) At least I didn't get stung. There were wasps out already trying to pollinate...
Also: came across a birds' nest while I was working. Suddenly it made sense why this one robin kept flying all over the place and squawking at me. Haha! Sorry, friend... didn't mean to bother your real estate :)
Today I thinned out the peach tree at Mom's. It was perfect. Mom had paid some guy to mow the yard just yesterday so the felled fruit doesn't screw up anyone's blades. And she hasn't had time to thin it out, so I figured I'd take care of it while I was out there. But I am now a sweaty, itchy, peach-fuzz-covered mess. And I'll get to stay this way all afternoon while I teach. Awesome :) At least I didn't get stung. There were wasps out already trying to pollinate...
Also: came across a birds' nest while I was working. Suddenly it made sense why this one robin kept flying all over the place and squawking at me. Haha! Sorry, friend... didn't mean to bother your real estate :)
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
keeping the vault closed
Today I learned a hard lesson or two about what it means to be an artist in the professional world. I could tell you the entire story in all its gory details, but I won't... for both of our sakes. I'm sure from what I'm about to share, you can gather enough to get the general idea of what happened. And no joke, tonight I came home, realized there was a severe shortage of milk in the fridge, and left the house again to make an additional grocery run so I could eat half the bag of homemade gluten-free chocolate chip cookies I'd made the other night. I truly felt that defeated...
And then I thought, "Well, if I eat enough cookies, I guess I won't have to worry about making dinner..." I guess the bright side is that I drank at least eight ounces of milk (maybe more?) which doesn't happen very often. Good thing I started running again yesterday...
Anyway, what I learned today was this: when I play for other people, I have to play what they want... the way they want it played. And if they, as the consumer, are paying me money to play for them, then I have to do what they want, regardless of my own opinions regarding the music I'm working on for them. Sounds simple enough, right?
But it was such a painful lesson.
Because not only does it mean that I have to play what they want, the way they want it played, it also means that I have to...
a. let them have control
b. look like the idiot, even if they're wrong
c. keep my mouth shut, regardless of how I feel
d. realize there's nothing I can do about any of the above
... none of which I did today. At least not very gracefully. And there were ways in which I was wrong too. I know that I will need to make an apology at some point, but I'll be honest, I'm not quite ready seeing as how the whole thing rattled me to an extent that few things have recently. Neither of us involved handled it very well at all. And don't get me wrong, it wasn't horrendous. Neither of us said anything horrible to the other. But there was a brief period of time where the tension in the room could be sliced through with a knife. I hate that. There's no reason for it. And it bothers me that I let it happen that way.
And it took me the rest of the day and a trip to Forest Park to sit and think after I was done teaching and three phone calls (two to my mom and one to Megan) and the drive home and an extra trip to the grocery store and half a bag of chocolate chip cookies to recover from the whole ordeal. But what I also realized in the process of all that was this: Just because I play something for someone a certain way doesn't necessarily mean I have to agree with it being played that way. It doesn't mean I agree with their artistic decisions, however absurd or stress-related they may be. It doesn't mean I concede to or trust their artistic judgment about the music we work on. It doesn't mean we are in agreement about anything, other than the fact that I let them have control because they are paying me to do so. And yes, maybe that means I put up with their crap. But they're paying me to put up with it and I certainly don't have to lose my dignity over it. And this is where I have really struggled recently. It's high time I realized there are certain parts of my work that are not personal: they're business. It's not personal, it's business. But it's hard when you're an artist. Because your business is personal. It's a part of you.
And it will take a great deal of humility and graciousness and, ah yes... patience, I daresay? With both myself and the people I play for... all three of which qualities I hope to cultivate better in the future. I think the best pianists are those who can do whatever is asked of them without a fuss, but without foregoing their artistic integrity either... something I definitely did not do very well today. But I hope to be like that some day. And some day I will get there. Because some day I will finally learn to keep my mouth shut and let other people have control when they really really want it. There's dignity in keeping the vault closed... much more so than letting it fly open when you're upset or frustrated.
And ultimately it's important to remember that in the end, it's really not about me. It's about the music. And it's about relationships. It's about graciousness, which is definitely something I think Jesus would say "yes" to. Because he is about relationships and graciousness. And yes, he's about good art too. But more so relationships.
And he's the one I want to be most like.
And then I thought, "Well, if I eat enough cookies, I guess I won't have to worry about making dinner..." I guess the bright side is that I drank at least eight ounces of milk (maybe more?) which doesn't happen very often. Good thing I started running again yesterday...
Anyway, what I learned today was this: when I play for other people, I have to play what they want... the way they want it played. And if they, as the consumer, are paying me money to play for them, then I have to do what they want, regardless of my own opinions regarding the music I'm working on for them. Sounds simple enough, right?
But it was such a painful lesson.
Because not only does it mean that I have to play what they want, the way they want it played, it also means that I have to...
a. let them have control
b. look like the idiot, even if they're wrong
c. keep my mouth shut, regardless of how I feel
d. realize there's nothing I can do about any of the above
... none of which I did today. At least not very gracefully. And there were ways in which I was wrong too. I know that I will need to make an apology at some point, but I'll be honest, I'm not quite ready seeing as how the whole thing rattled me to an extent that few things have recently. Neither of us involved handled it very well at all. And don't get me wrong, it wasn't horrendous. Neither of us said anything horrible to the other. But there was a brief period of time where the tension in the room could be sliced through with a knife. I hate that. There's no reason for it. And it bothers me that I let it happen that way.
And it took me the rest of the day and a trip to Forest Park to sit and think after I was done teaching and three phone calls (two to my mom and one to Megan) and the drive home and an extra trip to the grocery store and half a bag of chocolate chip cookies to recover from the whole ordeal. But what I also realized in the process of all that was this: Just because I play something for someone a certain way doesn't necessarily mean I have to agree with it being played that way. It doesn't mean I agree with their artistic decisions, however absurd or stress-related they may be. It doesn't mean I concede to or trust their artistic judgment about the music we work on. It doesn't mean we are in agreement about anything, other than the fact that I let them have control because they are paying me to do so. And yes, maybe that means I put up with their crap. But they're paying me to put up with it and I certainly don't have to lose my dignity over it. And this is where I have really struggled recently. It's high time I realized there are certain parts of my work that are not personal: they're business. It's not personal, it's business. But it's hard when you're an artist. Because your business is personal. It's a part of you.
And it will take a great deal of humility and graciousness and, ah yes... patience, I daresay? With both myself and the people I play for... all three of which qualities I hope to cultivate better in the future. I think the best pianists are those who can do whatever is asked of them without a fuss, but without foregoing their artistic integrity either... something I definitely did not do very well today. But I hope to be like that some day. And some day I will get there. Because some day I will finally learn to keep my mouth shut and let other people have control when they really really want it. There's dignity in keeping the vault closed... much more so than letting it fly open when you're upset or frustrated.
And ultimately it's important to remember that in the end, it's really not about me. It's about the music. And it's about relationships. It's about graciousness, which is definitely something I think Jesus would say "yes" to. Because he is about relationships and graciousness. And yes, he's about good art too. But more so relationships.
And he's the one I want to be most like.
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