the physics of the quest

I know, I know... it's only been 5 days since my last post.  But seeing as how I'm a professional part-timer these days, I hope to be able to post more often.  The move caused a lot of disruption in my life these past 2-3 weeks and since I'm desperate to get out of my parents' house, moving again may cause more chaos in the near future.  So I'm left with one thought for myself on the subject:  carpe diem, thou extemporaneous blogger.

And let me just tell you what it took to get myself here this morning.  I woke up with two desires:  coffee and blogging.  The latter was easy enough to satisfy.  The first... not so much.  There was no coffee to be had in the house, and when I say no coffee, I mean no real coffee.  My parents keep decaf on hand but decaf was not acceptable this morning.  I'm telling you, sometimes it astonishes me what a human being will do to get a decent cup of coffee in their hands.  The situation quickly escalated from a potential Starbucks drive-thru run in my nightie to realizing that I needed to get gas and the ultimate rationalization:  a drive-thru doesn't solve the larger problem of no coffee in the house.  Now that I'm living here with my parents, even if it's only for another month or so, lack of coffee is still an issue.  Don't ask me why this issue wasn't addressed sooner... I think it's probably because I've been satisfying morning caffeine requirements with diet pepsi.  Anyway, my original desire to wake up and have a cup of coffee while blogging turned into a ridiculous ordeal.  So here I am, an hour and a half later, dressed and mostly ready for the day.  Not what I thought I wanted to do with the morning, but still fairly happy nonetheless.

Speaking of this idea, I suppose I could say the same of where I'm at in life right now.  Life is so funny that way.  You just never know where you'll end up, especially if you're just sort of open to whatever God might have for you.  This reminds me of the movie I recently saw with a girlfriend.  The new Julia Roberts movie Eat, Pray, Love (based on the book by Elizabeth Gilbert) came out on Friday night and let me just tell you, reader, that if you enjoy a good chick flick and are willing to accept things on their own terms, you will love this movie.  It's not your typical chick flick... it's definitely more of a journey flick.  The entire premise of the movie can be summed up in the ingenue's short monologue towards the end, taken from the author's website:

"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest' -- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum.  And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.'  Or so I've come to believe.  I can't help but believe it, given my experience."

Don't ask me why, but this is so beautiful to me.  Maybe because I feel like this is all I ever do?  Maybe because I feel like this is what Christians are called to do?  Maybe because this is ultimately what we as human beings are supposed to do?  Seek truth.  Jeremiah 29:13 comes to mind... "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Having been on the journey for a few years now, it is really easy to feel like you're running in circles... that you're simply going nowhere, that you just run and run, chasing after whatever seems to be the right thing for you at the time.

It is my firm belief that human beings genuinely like the cattle drive (dare I say love it?) because it feels like you're headed somewhere meaningful, the point of arrival.  And having turned down not one but two fantastic opportunities recently, it is really easy for me to feel like I'm all of sudden going nowhere.  People keep asking me the question, "Where do you want to end up, Katie?"  And I keep thinking about it in terms of where I want to be in the next year or so, or even five years from now.  But the real answer is this -- which I think is universally true for all humans although it manifests itself in different forms -- I want to be content and happy.  I want to have desperately sought out truth and found enough to satisfy me, but not enough to make me complacent.  I want to be at home in the Lord, fulfilled and happy no matter what my circumstances.  And I want to be able to love people and love myself without reservation.  So I guess that's why I didn't need to go to school this year... prestigious universities tend to not be the best classrooms for these lessons.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you... and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:13-14a   

doors

This morning I'm sitting in my friend Jill's apartment just outside of Kansas City. It's shortly after 9 am and I'm still in my pj's with... you guessed it: a cup of coffee sitting next to me. It's been nearly a month since I've posted, maybe longer. I could check but that would require effort. So much has happened since then, but I suppose that's how it goes when you average one post a month... :)

As it so happens, I am no longer attending Washington University this fall. Talk about a painful weekend: about three weeks ago, a bunch of fit hit the shan, so to speak, and the reality of student loans set in. MU does this wonderful thing called exit counseling for their student loan borrowers after they graduate and are about to start repayment. Needless to say, after calculating up the total borrowed for undergrad, realizing how much I'd have to borrow to go to Wash U ($10,000 + living expenses), thinking about my poor car which was having fuel pump problems that weekend and is on the verge of hitting the 100,000 mile mark after 18 years of faithful service in the world, and considering the reality of loan repayments after graduate school on a piano teacher's salary (let alone a normal person's salary)... even with the deal Wash U was giving me, it all just started to seem really foolish. Not to mention that we all know Katie is just a little bit on the edge of burnout anyway and could probably use the break from school. And my piano professor had always said that taking some time away from school wouldn't kill my career. She had also warned me to avoid any graduate music program that wouldn't pay for the whole shebang (tuition + an assistantship or a stipend), which I suppose is debateable but she makes a good point. So I'm in the process of figuring out what to do next...

... which brings me back to this morning: sitting in my friend Jill's apartment in Kansas City. As soon as I'm finished here, I will be getting ready to go meet her at Calvary Bible College to meet the faculty of the music and theater departments. It so happens that she is the secretary to both departments and, if she were staying this semester, would be the main piano teacher in their community music program as well as the principal accompanist for the chorales and the musical theatre endeavors of both departments. Unfortunately she and her husband are leaving mid-October since he's in the army and will be headed elsewhere for training. So it's an opportunity for me to potentially step in and take her place. I'm not sure that I'm deliriously excited about it, which I don't entirely understand why not other than to say that I'm pretty leary in general of things that could potentially be scary. And as wonderful as the opportunity sounds, it has a lot of potential to be scary: all of my friends and family are in St. Louis and moving here would mean striking out on my own, four hours away from everything and everyone I know and love, and not merely to go to school or do any type of ministry, but to work. I used to think I was brave but that prospect does not sound exciting. And maybe this is something important to consider: I'm seeing this as nothing but a job opportunity and I am exactly the sort of person who is not motivated solely by work or money... there has to be more there. It has to mean something to me. But I won't know if it means anything to me or not until I see the college and meet the faculty and see what I would be doing. So that's why I'm here: because I'll never know for sure until I actually investigate. I also know that what I'm about to say will sound really shallow, but anyone who's been raised in the St. Louis area will understand... I'm not sure that I want to move to... Kansas City of all places?? It's just a cultural thing. And it sounds stupid, but it is in fact valid.

But more than anything, I just want to know what I want and I want to know what God wants. I know what I want in five years. But I feel like I keep asking myself what I really want in the meantime. Because there are too many trade-offs right now. Either decision will require a number of sacrifices. But sacrifices are worth it if you know what you really want and can keep your eyes focused on those goals. So that's what I keep bringing before the Lord: God, you've brought me to this place. All of a sudden, my fall semester has magically cleared itself... where do you want me now? And what in the world do I want? And why do I always seem to have so much trouble figuring out what I want? My sister would say, "It's because you have anxiety." And I know she would be right, even if that wasn't the entire reason for all of my indecisiveness and restlessness...

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4