pacing

Oh man, what a beautiful morning! I'm sitting in my recently-cleaned duplex (since I finally had the time to clean it), celebrating the beauty of spring with the windows open and allowing the 70-something degree breezes of this lovely morning to blow their way through the bachelorette pad. I'm on vacation and I love it. I'm not allowing myself to practice til 1 June. Absences makes the heart grow fonder, you know.

So far this morning, I've successfully done laundry, had my quiet time, and read the newspaper from two days ago. I'm still in my jams and glasses, even at 10:45 on a Friday morning with Harry Connick Jr crooning to me over my iTunes. This is the kind of pace I've been longing for since the end of winter break. Thank God a season of rest is here!

And Mama is on her way to Columbia right now as we speak to share a beautiful weekend of repose and relaxation with me. She needs it and I am happy to have her company (and her attention!). It will be wonderful.

And things are going really well with the boy. We had a rough start... this last weekend I basically short-circuited when things all of sudden seemed to be moving way too fast and completely out of control, both of us at fault. But we had a great talk last night after a few days apart and he is so understanding and totally willing to work through things, which shows a lot of character. And can I just say that I'm so painfully aware that whoever chooses to be in any kind of a relationship with me basically has to have the patience of Job and the flexibility of a rubber band. I'm painfully aware of it. But from what I can tell he's got both, which puts my heart at ease. And in all honesty, I'm interested to see that he doesn't let me run him over, which I also have a tendency to do in relationships... basically a little girl grown up, just hoping someone will call me on my bull like my parents do, particularly my Daddy. And I know that sounds terrible, but awareness is half the battle.

And I never thought I'd say it, but as much as I hate boundaries, I've learned that I really need them, especially in relationships... one of the tragic hallmarks of my last major relationship: there were none... or very few at least. Codependency is never healthy. So that's what I'm hoping to avoid here early on, as well as not losing the sense of identity I worked so hard to cultivate these last six years.

And let's just be honest: it just takes time to get to know someone and get used to their various quirks. And in actuality, this is the part of relationships that I glory in, given the right conditions. It's letting them get to know me that is the hard part. A dear friend of mine once gave me some of the best and most beautiful encouragement: "You should let people appreciate you as much as you let yourself appreciate others, Katie... because you are wonderful." And as much as I honestly believe that about myself, I often feel God calling my bluff on that one, since he seems to consistently bring people into my life who honestly want to know the real me, which is both scary and exhilarating all at the same time. So that's where we're at: letting him in, slowly. Not perfectly, not elegantly, and definitely not systematically. But slowly... I'm not looking for a raging inferno of emotion. Oddly enough in the world of Katie, where everything is seemingly upside down, resembling more of an Alice-in-Wonderland type of logic, slow and steady wins the race. And I think he gets that. So we'll see where it goes...

breathe

It's been a long time... too long. Today is the first day in the last 6 weeks (no joke!) that I have felt like I can safely breathe again. I don't have a recital to worry about, nor do I have massive amounts of research to complete to show off my abilities as an academic who can wave her magic wand and pull beautiful and thought-provoking historical analyses out of mid-air. Done and done. I am officially graduated. I am officially a Mizzou alum. Man that feels good to write. And somehow by the grace of God, I managed to do it all with flying colors. A quick check of grades online reveals straight A's... solid A's too, meaning I graduated with a 3.84 GPA... magna cum laude. And not only that, I managed to somehow be invited to join the nation's oldest and most prestigious honors fraternity as well, Phi Beta Kappa. I could just cry right now... yes I worked hard. But I was also extremely blessed in my efforts. Thank God.

This morning, I slept in, got up, and had quiet time with the Lord for the first time in months... kind of sick that I had neglected that for so long. Kind of sick that I had started relying on Sunday mornings and counseling sessions as my time to hear from God. This summer will be a time of renewal... I'm promising that to myself. I can't tell you how THANKFUL I am for my dad's foresight and wisdom: "Katie, if you're going to graduate school, I don't want you doing anything this summer." He was so right. I need this. I need to breathe. I need to take care of myself for a couple of months. Today I walked down the street and saw beauty again and I very nearly had a minor breakdown right there in public. You don't realize how hard you're running until you stop...

And of course amidst all the craziness, a boy came waltzing into my life. It is the strangest thing. It actually kind of pissed me off at first... like, who does this guy think he is?? I'm Katie Smith, for crying out loud! I was finally at a point where I was completely happy and fulfilled in my singleness. So processing this whole thing has been a challenge. But he's really sweet and willing to take things as slowly as I need to and quite honestly, I like him a little too much to not head towards something positive. I guess you could say he hasn't done anything to earn himself the boot yet ;) In reality, I totally see this as God's way of giving me an attitude adjustment to keep me from being completely self-absorbed in my own goals and thinking. And there are days when it really makes me squirm and rebel within my own selfish heart, since I really was quite wonderful and ok on my own finally. But Matt is really patient and affirming and extremely cognizant of where I'm at. I'll say one thing for him: the man knows how to tame the mare to some extent. And the entire situation is working to my advantage. That is to say, I have the whole summer to decide whether this will go somewhere long-term or not after I move to St. Louis. So we'll see where it goes... life is so strange sometimes.

Anyway now that I'm breathing again, I hope to post more often as part of my summer therapy in taking refuge from academia. Stay tuned...