Lying in bed on a rainy morning, soaking up the deliciousness of not having to be anywhere immediately. Tomorrow I turn 24. I don't yet feel 24, but neither do I feel 23 anymore... maybe I'll feel more like 24 tomorrow after my actual birthday :)
And tomorrow I have to teach all day. But that doesn't bother me. I love my students and I can't think of a better way to spend the better part of the day than with some kids who love the piano.
Things are going well, which, in all honesty is probably why I haven't updated the blog much recently. Last week was crazy busy with both piano camp and the Crossing's Kids Club taking place in the same week. In other words, each day basically looked like this: at the music school from 9-5 helping kids (grades 7-12) practice their pieces to get ready for the end of camp recital, then grabbing my student Madeline (who participated in piano camp this year) and taking a whirlwind drive over to the church to do Kids Club (the Crossing's version of VBS) from 5:30 - 8:30 where I functioned as a Bible story discussion leader. Needless to say, it was an exhausting week and as much as I loved it, I'm also exceedingly glad it's all over now. I definitely needed this entire weekend to rest up.
Things with the boy are also going well. That is to say he's seeing more and more of the firecracker side of me and hasn't packed up and ran for the hills yet :) But there are days when I just get so overwhelmed with fear that I feel like running myself... fear of commitment, fear of being hurt, fear of losing my identity just like I did with Mitchell, fear of idolizing him, fear of not fulfilling the stupid expectations I place on myself. And guilt too, since he seems to have it all together and knows what he wants and seemingly isn't scared of anything, although he assures me this isn't the case. Either way, it all makes me feel incredibly guilty, which I'm sure is music to the enemy's ears. Anyway, there's a lot that I'm battling... a lot that he's battling too, I suppose, since he's realizing his lady's a cuckoo, although he doesn't have to live with all these crazy thoughts going round and round in his head like I do...
But the other night when I was in the shower I had a revelation (like I often do when I'm in the shower) and I realized that I'm fussing with this whole thing way too much. And I do that. I just fuss with something until it's nearly dead and wilted. That is to say, I sit there and worry about the whole thing excessively until whatever it is that I'm worrying about is ready to stick up the white flag of surrender. But luckily, sometimes I finally get to the point where I realize I need to just let things go and see what happens if I were to, say, take my grimy hands off and let go of the wheel maybe? I'm committed to seeing this thing out to the very end, whenever that may be and I'm committed to seeing what God has for us. And that's all I know. And that's ok... I feel peace about that level of commitment. I can't give any more just yet because I'm not there. And I hope I get there eventually, but who's to say that I will? All I can do is trust the Lord, which I haven't been doing a very good job of lately, since I like so much to just be in control, especially when it comes to relationships with guys. Oh Katie... trust the Lord, little one. You don't have to know all the answers: it's only a wild ride if you let him steer....
