the move

Welp, I'm moved.  No longer in Webster.  Instead in West County.

I'm living with two guys and a girl.  It'll be an adventure, to be sure, so stay tuned.

The move went... well, it went.  That's the important thing.  Everything got transferred and the old apartment is now clean thanks to an afternoon of Katie-Halley-Simon quality time with some cleaning supplies and a little elbow grease.

But a big thanks goes out to both of my parents, Allie and her boyfriend Will and his friends (who helped move my piano), my friends John and Megan who came through for me at the last minute after a photo shoot that morning, and Halley's dad who randomly stopped by on moving day and lent a hand (literally!) to get some of the big stuff out.  Not to mention my dad who found out about 3 hrs before the move that he was picking up a trailer for me.  And then of course there's my mom, who came over and helped clean the place up a little since I'm living with three very distracted young professionals.  They are all so so nice, albeit... distracted :)

And we beat kU.  Thank God.  Don't know if we were ever gonna live that one down if they'd won. 

So all in all, I'd say the weekend was a victory.

Now, to finish the Vivaldi Gloria...

the crazy day

The last 24 hours have been absolutely CRAZY!  Yesterday afternoon, my sweet and dear friend Christine had her first baby (a boy -- Nicholas Adrian) AND then this morning, my best friend from high school Karley called to tell me she had gotten engaged last night.

It's like the World Series all over again.  I just absolutely can't stop smiling.  My world is exploding with happiness for girls in my life who are like sisters to me.

The only thing that would make it better is if Pujols re-signed with us for next year...

C'mon, Albert!  Make my day unforgettable!!! :)

even at 25...

I just do not sit still. My mind is constantly working and thinking through things, whether my body is supposed to be stationary or not.  If the doctor orders me to take a bath twice a day, I will sit in the tub and get work done.  My only regret is that I can't take my laptop in there with me. 

Thoughts for 8:34 am: getting my NCTM certification, finding/composing(?) a piece for my eldest student to teach her how to accompany, Federation selections for my students, and the Christmas list my mom keeps begging me for.

... this is all after I woke up thinking about how I'm going to get through the move this week and finish the Vivaldi Gloria by Dec 1.

I'm. ridiculous.  Even if no one else cares, I find this fact about myself astonishing.  I just go, even when I'm not consciously pushing myself.

dear exboyfriend

I was looking over my stats this morning for this blog (since Blogger is awesome like that and allows you to see what kinds of people are creeping in on you) and found out that one of the key search words for readers to find this blog happens to be "katie's blog dear exboyfriend."

Wow.

That's all I got.  It's just weird.  Especially considering that this blog is one of the primary ways I keep in touch with my grandparents, of all people.

All I can say is, if you read this blog thinking you're going to find out all sorts of juicy tidbits about my personal and social life, you're sadly mistaken.  It rarely happens, as my faithful readers can attest to and when it does I try to be as vague and gracious as possible.  This is just an authentic record of that messy transition from gangly adolescent girl to what I hope is a graceful, mature, Christ-honoring adult.  Look elsewhere for your tabloid-like gossip cravings...

... not to mention that at this point in my life, I have several ex-boyfriends.  If one of them does happen to get mentioned through the use of pronouns and non-descriptive titles, who's to say which one I'm referring to?

Thank you to those of you who read this with the genuine intention of keeping in touch.  You're the ones I write for, in addition to my own need to process life in this mad, mad, mad, mad world.

People are ridiculous.  I refer to my previous post for further discussion of that final statement.

muzzles

Sometimes, people just say things... and there is no filter.  And what comes out ends up being really rude, whether they realize it or not.  I'd like to think that most of the time they don't actually mean it.  But it just reminds me that without the Holy Spirit, there is no filter whatsoever.  And I mean even Christians who say ridiculous things and it makes you wonder who died and crowned them the residing expert of this and that or such and such.  What we say when we don't think is what's actually going on in our hearts.  We have to ask the Holy Spirit daily, even hourly to be Lord over the things that come out of our pie-holes.  And I am just as guilty as the woman who hurt me this morning.

This has happened to me about three times in the past two weeks... where I've been in conversation with someone, usually another woman, and some jab or judgment pours out upon me from their mouths.  I think it's God's grace to me that I'm usually stunned and puzzled in the moment and only angry afterwards... it's his way of putting a big fat muzzle over my otherwise potentially hedge-clipping trap.  I could really ruin my reputation if I wanted to, let me just tell you.  Unfortunately my family knows this all too well... and some of my girlfriends...

And every time this has happened, it makes me hope these women realize what they say afterwards.  But chances are they didn't and they won't.  And of course I forgive them but it never hurts to know that someone realized their mistake and decided that what they had said after all was actually foolish and hurtful.  But we won't get that til... well, Glory probably.  Occasionally you get the come-back apology.  But not often.

Here's the thing, though... it's a good reminder for Katie.  People can be so mean/rude/ridiculous... [insert whatever adjective you feel appropriate].  It's just not worth it to say those kinds of things, nor fret over them if they've been said to you.  Part of growing up, I suppose, is learning to deal with that kind of crap... 

But you know, if I have to take one harsh criticism a week for the rest of my life to remind me to only ever speak the words of Christ to those around me, let it be so.  All the instability in my life right now is teaching me (granted, painfully and imperfectly) one thing:  I have a security in Christ far greater than anything else on this earth.  You just can't touch this.

peter pan

There are two men in the world who really, really get me (as in, fundamentally understand what makes Katie tick) that are not related, married, engaged, or think I've completely lost my marbles.  I don't try to please either of them, which is huge.  I always feel like I can completely be myself when I'm with either one.  One of them is about 65 years old and like a father figure to me.  The other lives in Manhattan and will more than likely never be anything more to me than a very dear friend.

I have but one question to this... what the crap??  Which begs another question:  how is it that I am a beautiful, talented, bright, young lady and there isn't anyone else out there with a Y chromosome who understands (or even wants to understand)?  Again I say...  what the crap?

I blame the Peter Pan phenomenon.

Katie, nooooo...!

I am normally one of those people who waits until at least Thanksgiving Day to start listening to Christmas music.  We always had this tradition of listening to old Christmas music (we're talking Julie Andrews, Burl Ives, and older) on the way up to Grandma's on Thanksgiving Day.  I'm a firm believer in celebrating one holiday at a time.  On the other hand, while most people start listening to Christmas music the day after Halloween and then don't want to see it for another 340 days come Dec 26th, I am totally one of those people who loves to continue listening through Epiphany, since in the church calendar, we're still technically celebrating the season of Christmastide.

But this morning I broke down and started listening to Nutcracker.  Picking out Christmas music for my students put me over the edge...

Dear Thanksgiving... I am so, so sorry!

(me, talking to my sister, laughing): "All this moving makes me realize that my emotional baggage and a 300-lb instrument is just the load I come with..." 

(Allie): "It's ok. My friend Heather comes with a bunch of emotional baggage and rottweiler. I definitely think yours is better."

HA!  She has such a way of putting things... :)

10:38

Random thoughts floating through my head at 9:58 pm on a rainy Tuesday evening:

- I am le tired.  So tired.  Today was a long day and I didn't stop much or even eat much til about 7 pm.
- I have about a bazillion tabs open in my browser right now... too many to keep track of.  But I don't want to close any of them because there's a reason each one of them is open, if I can only remember what each one is.
- Likewise my apartment is a mess right now.  Tomorrow I hope to clean it, but my free days get eaten up with all the catch-up I have to do on my days off.  It's ridiculous.  Makes me shudder to think of what Feb-May will be like if it's like this now...
- I hope my husband someday likes sports.  And not too much, but just enough to make it fun, like I do.  Because Mizzou's joining the SEC and the Cards are now in the midst of finding a new manager.  And it would really suck to be married to someone who just didn't care... or didn't want to care... or didn't even understand what it's like to care about something important to you.  And not that I'm a crazy fanatic.  I have my life under control when it comes to sports.  But I hope he's the same way.  It needs to be equal.
- It's very odd to me that I hope he likes sports and yet I don't expect him to understand my career at all.  I think it's something I've come to terms with:  most men will not understand my career and therefore, I don't expect to connect with them in that way, ever.
- ... this is good.  Because it means that maybe, just maybe I've finally become like my friend Stuart, who is my good friend from when we were in the music school at Mizzou together my last year of undergrad.  Stuart is by no means defined by his music.  He and Courtney's relationship [um... yes, I set them up.  Because I'm awesome at setting people up...] is based completely on everything BUT his career.  This is important.  I think a lot of musicians expect to find other musicians to be in relationship with.  And sometimes this works, but a lot of times it doesn't.  I think for a long time I wanted to understand how this would/should work in my life and thought I understood it but actually didn't until recently.  Most men will never understand my career.  They'll ask all sorts of questions about it and be totally intrigued, but fundamentally, my career will be to them what sports are to most women:  they just won't see the point.

Other thoughts...
- I saw my grandparents this weekend.  I need to see them more often.  It was such a sweet visit.  They are an invaluable resource and I sometimes wish I wasn't an adult because I'm no longer able to take weeks out of my life at a time to go and be with them.  It sucks.  Thanks for having me this past weekend, Grandma.  I love you and Grandpa both so much.  The pears are delicious, by the way.  I have this amazing toscano cheese (think mozzarella meets parmesan) that's sprinkled with cinnamon which pairs with them divinely.  I fully expect to take a few more with me when we come up for Thanksgiving, please and thank you, of course :)
- I think I've found a place to live.  It better happen soon, is all I can say.  My landlord posted the "Apartment for Rent" sign on my door today.  Awesome.  Nothing like a swift kick in the tush.  But there's a place out in West County that I will probably move into the weekend after Thanksgiving, barring all catastrophe between now and then.  Two guys and a girl live there now and well... it'll be interesting.  I only lived with a guy who wasn't my dad or my brother once in college -- my friend Christine's husband, who at the time, was still her boyfriend, who lived by himself and got in a huge car wreck and ended up staying with us girls so Christine could take care of him.  I doubt this will be anything like that.  But these guys will just be roommates.  I fully envision brother-sister-like relationships developing.... maybe, I hope??  My mom keeps asking me if this is just something my generation does now.  I guess??  But these people seem normal and quite honestly, I'd rather live with a couple of guys than a couple of girls.  I was so over the high drama of living with girls my last year of college.  There were FIVE of us living on our side of the duplex.  It was too much.  Stuart was one of the few people who kept me sane, especially that last semester.  It's good to have a friend who takes you out to lunch and asks you about your life goals and then tells you that there's no way you're gonna BS your way through a conversation about life goals and instead gives you a week-long assignment to go home and think about your life goals every night before you fall asleep instead of thinking about everything you have to do the next day (yes, I was one of those people while in school... it was a little ridiculous.  I was in fact a machine... it's one of the reasons I emphasize this to my students so much now -- that they are not machines, but rather human children and I wouldn't want them any other way aside from their lovely, imperfect selves).  Anyway, Stuart was my life coach for that season of time and I miss him a lot.  But he's happily settled now in Mobile with Courtney.  They'll be married this coming March.  Because that's how awesome of a matchmaker I am... the girl who's not interested in being set up herself... she's the one who sets everyone else up :)
- I miss Dr. Budds.  I need to go see him and Dr. Mabary again soon as well... or at least call.

Also...
- On my way up to my grandparents, I realized I have two major flaws:  my indecisiveness, and some very big and very real commitment issues.
- ... which is probably the reason I set everyone else up.
- It is now 10:38.  And because I am le tired, I am now going to make myself a cup of tea or hot chocolate and go to bed, thinking about all the stuff I have to get done tomorrow...

machines

Read an interesting article from NPR the other day about how technology is now eliminating higher-paying jobs in the work force like bank tellers, junior positions at law and accounting firms, and sometimes whole floors of insurance workers because the software being used by companies now can compute or do research faster and more accurately than any number of human beings.

And to be honest, it just made me sad.  It reminds me of the old movies that were made in times where they could only dream of making machines that would take over the world.  And now it's actually happening, though not in the way we expected.

And it made me realize that what I do and what I'm teaching my kids is invaluable.

Especially considering that the frequency of us sitting at home on our laptops or iPhones all day has dramatically risen in the past year or two as more and more people quit less meaningful jobs or lose them to the recession.  Myself included.  I declined a grad school candidacy because it was just too expensive.  And I've spent a lot of time being productive (whether real or imagined) this last year on my laptop.

But it gives me hope when I think about my students.  When it comes to piano, they're learning how to work hard at something and feel good about their own progress, how to interact with and enjoy others (like their teacher or duet partners), and how to delight in an activity that doesn't involve a microchip at all -- all of which are quickly becoming lost arts, but ones that will be highly valuable to them as they continue to grow and develop into real and authentic adults.  It makes me really grateful for their parents, who support that (and me!) and push their kids to do the best that they can while they still have the opportunity.

I tell my kids all the time that they are human children and not machines.  Nobody expects them to do things perfectly.  There's a reason I say that a lot.  They need to hear that while they're still young and their minds are being shaped so they can fight that lie with truth when they get older and somebody does try to make them into a machine.

Just made me think about that on this gray November morning.  That's all.

on the inside of love

The other night a good friend of mine sent me a gift via iTunes (didn't know you could do such a thing but she totally did)... it was the new Relient K cover of Nada Surf's "Inside of Love."  I'd never heard it before (I know, I know... scold me later) and she wanted me to have it, mainly because we work together and the kids we work with have started praying that she and I both find good men.  Call it cheesy, or lame, or whatever you want:  until a big group of high school kids starts praying out loud every day for you to find the right person, don't judge.  It is absolutely one of the sweetest things ever.  Anyway, she sent this song to me, mostly because I think it reminded her of this recurring phenomenon and where she's been with the whole issue recently.

If you wanna get a grasp on the song lyrics, you can find a copy of them HERE until somebody decides that the website needs to go away.  Sorry if you read this post four years from now and the site no longer exists and you get the weird 404 error message.  I'm sure Google can help you find them again somewhere else. 

Anyway, the following was my email response to her, which pretty much sums up where I'm at right now too:

"Thanks for sharing your heart.  I get it.  I totally get it.  I'm still ok in the men dept, mostly because I'm still dealing with the tragedy of my parents right now.  But I decided to start praying for the husband I'm not yet ready for because I don't want 20 years to fly by and then wonder why I never married.  I'm reminded of the verse in Hebrews that says we do not have because we do not ask (or that when we ask, we ask to spend it on our passions).  So I figure a little bit of honest asking for something I know I need but am not yet ready for... well, I think / hope it's with a heart that's in the right place ya know?

I think it's sweet the way the kids pray for us.  Every single one of them that's prayed out loud has been so authentic about it -- not overly serious, but not joking about it either.  It's just right.  I love that.

I wish I could say that I see it coming for both of us -- good men, I mean, but I really have no idea.  But you know, in the meantime, maybe the real blessings are found in the deeper relationships formed between you and I and the kids in just being honest about our needs.  The kind of thing where you're living life together and walking the walk in community, for better or worse.  And you know, prayer can be such a powerful tool for working through your emotions about certain issues.  I was thinking about that earlier tonight, as in, who am I supposed to go to now about __________ issue(s) now that Mom and Dad are split... Jesus, Katie, that's who.  You take them to Jesus.  And not in a Sunday School / that's what I'm supposed to do kind of way but more in a there is no one else who can heal you kind of way.  I almost lost it emotionally on the way home tonight after my Dad's birthday celebration with my siblings just thinking about everything...

... all that to say, it's gonna be ok.  I know it may not feel like it right now... take it from someone who feels like they have nothing left:  you are on the inside of love.  I am too.  We just don't realize it <3"

world series love

This was taken last Friday night after we won Game 7 of the World Series.  We were downtown and the city absolutely went NUTS:  fireworks, people running through the streets, confetti all over Busch stadium, cars that couldn't move but were laying on the horns.  It was easily one of the coolest things I've ever experienced.

From left to right:  Me, my friend Megan, her husband John, and John's brother, David.  Photo taken by John's other brother, Tom.  Courtesy of Tom Wehrle Photography, used with permission.

I also found this photo on MLB.com's blog, taken the same night.  This is priceless...

The caption read, "They partied all night at Busch stadium... now Cardinals fans can hibernate through the winter."  Hahaha.  Awesome.

To access the actual site, click here:  MLB.com