gypsies

It's shortly after noon on a beautiful Thursday.  I'm still in my pajamas sitting out on the balcony of my Tower Grove apartment and the bells from the local churches have just rung.  I have nothing planned for the day until 4:30 this afternoon when I have to teach piano to the adorable little girls I have on Thursdays.  The day feels very European... late morning with a lazy agenda, pasta for lunch, mid-day church bells ringing, blogging from the balcony.  The only thing that would make this more perfect would be a great cup of coffee sitting next to me.  Alas, I've been flooding my system with water and juices due to the sinus infection I've been battling recently.  I would otherwise be painting my mom's office in Old Monroe today but by the time I got back to the apartment last night, I could barely walk let alone drag myself to Schnucks to pick up some meds.  So we both decided I should probably take the day to rest.  This is what the change of seasons does to me and I hate it every time.  Thank God I always manage to get rid of the ailment somehow before needing to see a doctor... unfortunately entrepreneurs don't always have the luxury of affordable health care.

Things have finally started to settle recently... and by settle I mean that all of the part-time work I lined up for this fall is finally gelling into some semblance of a routine.  Or as much of a routine as a Bohemian lifestyle will allow :)  And even though there's not a lot leftover, most of the bills are getting paid and I'm able to eat so that's what's important.  And more importantly, I'm resting.  I never realized I'd need the break from school as much as I do.

There have been a lot of things I've been thinking about lately... family stuff that's come up (or rather resurfaced) that I'm having to work through -- stuff from my past that affects the present as well as my future.  It's a lot to take in and process but God is really, a very gracious surgeon.  If this had all come up while I was in school or back when I was depressed, I really think it would have been too much.  Most of it has to do with the relationship between myself and my dad and how that affects the way I relate to men in general... pretty delicate and complicated stuff so I won't go into details but I'm hopeful that one day my expectations for male-female relationships will be realistic and I'll be able to be more than just friends with another man.  It's just another layer of finding myself and getting rid of the disillusionment in my heart that would be really difficult to do if I were in a relationship now.  My counselor Lynn says it best:  "Katie, you need to look for someone who isn't a savior, but who understands where you've been and can be an aid to you in the healing process."  She is such a wise, wise woman.  Maybe someday I'll let myself dream again about finding the right person rather than just dismissing the desire... there are a lot of things I feel like have been flaking off of me recently, such as the unrequited need to go to graduate school immediately, as well as perhaps the feeling that I'm perfectly fine on my own.  Indeed, God is a gracious surgeon...

And I'm still looking for a church here in St. Louis.  Can I just say that church-shopping is hard?  It's hard.  And it's all been complicated by the fact that I've been out of town the past few Sundays in a row.  Feels very gypsy-ish to me.  There's actually a lot of me that feels very gypsy-ish right now.  My mom and others have said that it's just the age I'm in -- the twenties generally feel very unsettled.  I have nothing to compare this to and no experience of my own so I'll just have to take their word for it.  I also think it's sort of a cultural thing:  more and more people my age are waiting longer and longer to settle down.  Some form of risk-aversion investment... seems to be sort of the hip and trendy thing to be largely unattached to any place, person, or thing.  But it comes with a price.  Limbo is great until you're tired of being in the air.  And is it weird that I'm unsure of whether I'm even tired of the limbo or not?  I don't think I've ever felt so wishy-washy in all my life as I do these days... just generally unsure of everything.  And some might say that it's really cheesy, but when nothing in your life seems to really make sense and you feel pretty directionless overall, I can only say this:  that I am so thankful to have a source of truth and authority which continues to stand firm amidst my own fickle and doubting heart... maybe this is actually what adulthood is about.

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord; they are double-minded and unstable in all they do."  James 1:4-8

tower grove

This morning, Reader, I write to you from the little balcony just off my room in my new Tower Grove apartment.  This past weekend, I moved in with my college roommate / best friend and can I just say that I've slept better in the last 3 nights than I did the entire month I was living with my parents?  I've been sleeping way better here.  Maybe there's a connection, maybe there's not... I'm just sayin'...

This morning's topic?  Transitions and how much they suck.  There's no getting around it.  They're just hard and you feel like there's no control and that you're just stabbing in the air, only to realize later that you are in fact making decisions out of anxiety, driving not only yourself but everyone else around you insane.  And I am not one who can easily look at a seemingly hopeless situation, let it go for awhile, and come back to it with a fresh perspective.  I used to be able to do that... when I was in the familiar and comfortable environment of school, consistently validated by my surroundings and goals.  Out here in the wild, it's completely different... a whole new ballgame.  And I'm still trying to survey the landscape.

But in the last month, I've also realized some pretty amazing things.  For one thing, I can make it.  I can do this life thing and I don't have to be in an academic institution or be married to feel secure about myself.  In the process of throwing myself out there in a number of different directions, I've successfully acquired 5 new piano students and an accompanying gig for the choral program of a private high school.  I signed the contract yesterday, a contract that will bring in roughly a quarter of my income for the year.  And I have an interview with two more potential students tonight.  God is so good.

The other important thing I feel like I maybe, sorta, kinda have started to learn is something else touched on in the movie Eat, Pray, Love.  I've been a workaholic all my life... I learned it from the pro.  It's not that I don't know how to rest.  It's that I have to feel like I've earned it or be told that I can take it.  Americans get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "Ok, now I will go take one."  (Or they tell themselves that they need a break... only after they've worked themselves into a sickness).  The Italians get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "I know.  That's why I'm planning on taking one at noon."  They call it dolce far niente:  the sweetness of doing nothing.  And when you're not in school and you're pasting part-time work together, there's a little more time for nothing.  Sometimes you're forced to take it.  I feel as if maybe, just maybe, the flakes of "need to, have to, gotta go, I can't" are starting to fall off.  My roommate Halley is so good at this:  the girl is a pro at doing nothing and not feeling like she had to earn the right to do it.  So I'm glad I'm living with her again, especially now that I'm not in school.  I think she will probably be a fantastic teacher.  It's a new way of learning to love myself and I have to say, I'm not always quite sure what to do with it.  But most of me just wants to embrace it.