Today I'm at my parents house, on spring break nursing a God-awful cold given to me by my sister. It's awesome. I forced myself to drink an entire glass of water this morning before I could have coffee. Yesterday my nose was raw from excessive contact with kleenex. But enough complaining. I don't have to go to class or teach at all this week... just practice, which I want to do, and yet it's so much easier to sit here and procrastinate. I've successfully taken the dog on a walk, made coffee, eaten breakfast, and completed an online crossword puzzle. All before 11 am :) This is what spring break is about.
And I have to say it's way easier to waste my days away here at my parents' house than it is in Columbia... I just get so bored and depressed in a house all by myself. There is plenty to distract here.
I'm also on a mission to dig up my old French materials from when I studied the language back in high school, though this might prove a difficult task given the state of our house right now. Anyway, as interesting as German is, it's not exactly the language of choice for me... sehr schwer! It's definitely a goal of mine over the next couple of months to re-introduce myself to the beauties of the French language I once understood with such facility. I rely far too heavily on online translators and dictionaries at this point, something I hope to change.
And I'm half-done with my research for Dr. Budds this semester: 3/6 papers turned in. Granted, I still have to do corrections for those first 3 papers, but hey, first drafts are at least 70% of the work. As Mama says: bit by bit, little by little.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
clarity
Once again, we are procrastinating. And by we, I mean me. I must be really exhausted because I came home to St Louis just to write a paper. Seriously... who am I kidding? And yes, it's true. I can definitely concentrate better here but in all honesty, I really just needed to get away. I'm so tired of Columbia and as much as I will miss certain aspects of my life there (like my church and my students), I am so ready to be done with this chapter of my life.
So that means I'm going to Wash U. I talked with the prof I'd be studying with Wednesday morning on the phone and it just all became so clear. I'm not done with my education and what I'm going to gain from this experience will be invaluable in my development as both a pianist and a teacher. I keep going back to the parable of the pearl of great price and thus far, there have been two great pearls in my life. This is one of them. And I definitely feel like I've been called to it. I feel like this is the most obvious and clear choice: an instance of God's desires for my life revealing themselves to me and being what I ultimately want as well. But I couldn't have known that a month or even a week ago. I didn't even know it when I got the call initially. It wasn't until after I talked with Mrs. Burkhart (my prof there) a few days later that I really felt my fears assuaged and I got really excited about studying with her for the next two years.
Now, to just keep my eyes on the ball I have to hit in the next 2 months: four more papers to write (10 pgs each), a recital to give, classwork to finish up for 2 other academic classes. I can do it. But I won't get much of a spring break...
... which is why I spend days like today just coming home and telling myself I'm going to do work, even if the intention doesn't get fulfilled. If it doesn't get done absolutely right this second, it's not a big deal. Because after a week of getting home after 12 and 13-hr days living on lunchmeat, yogurt, and granola bars, you need about 24 hrs of chill time. And a home-cooked meal. This is why my parents are amazing.
Dad says he absolutely does not want me doing ANYTHING this summer (aka only teach since that doesn't stress me out and makes good money). I might also take lessons on a bi-weekly basis just for fun (work on whatever I want) and to make sure I'm not going into grad school with crazy fingers that haven't touched a piano in 3 months. Mom says she hopes I find a rich husband at Wash U. I just hope the logistics all work out so that going there doesn't kill me financially or emotionally. But I've got peace about it and I know that it is absolutely the right decision for me, despite the necessity to take out more loans. It's gonna be fine. And I'm excited for the transition process. It'll be hard but good... I think I'm ready for it.
So that means I'm going to Wash U. I talked with the prof I'd be studying with Wednesday morning on the phone and it just all became so clear. I'm not done with my education and what I'm going to gain from this experience will be invaluable in my development as both a pianist and a teacher. I keep going back to the parable of the pearl of great price and thus far, there have been two great pearls in my life. This is one of them. And I definitely feel like I've been called to it. I feel like this is the most obvious and clear choice: an instance of God's desires for my life revealing themselves to me and being what I ultimately want as well. But I couldn't have known that a month or even a week ago. I didn't even know it when I got the call initially. It wasn't until after I talked with Mrs. Burkhart (my prof there) a few days later that I really felt my fears assuaged and I got really excited about studying with her for the next two years.
Now, to just keep my eyes on the ball I have to hit in the next 2 months: four more papers to write (10 pgs each), a recital to give, classwork to finish up for 2 other academic classes. I can do it. But I won't get much of a spring break...
... which is why I spend days like today just coming home and telling myself I'm going to do work, even if the intention doesn't get fulfilled. If it doesn't get done absolutely right this second, it's not a big deal. Because after a week of getting home after 12 and 13-hr days living on lunchmeat, yogurt, and granola bars, you need about 24 hrs of chill time. And a home-cooked meal. This is why my parents are amazing.
Dad says he absolutely does not want me doing ANYTHING this summer (aka only teach since that doesn't stress me out and makes good money). I might also take lessons on a bi-weekly basis just for fun (work on whatever I want) and to make sure I'm not going into grad school with crazy fingers that haven't touched a piano in 3 months. Mom says she hopes I find a rich husband at Wash U. I just hope the logistics all work out so that going there doesn't kill me financially or emotionally. But I've got peace about it and I know that it is absolutely the right decision for me, despite the necessity to take out more loans. It's gonna be fine. And I'm excited for the transition process. It'll be hard but good... I think I'm ready for it.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
surely he will be mine too...
Last night I received a call from the chair of the graduate music program at Washington University: I got in.
And as much as I would love to just bask in the fact that I made it into one of the hardest schools to get into in the Midwest, the deal isn't quite as sweet as I'd hoped it would be. Rather than offering full tuition remission, the school of music is only able to offer 75% of it, since the economy is so sucky right now and they're not a state school. So that leaves me with a bill of about $10,000 a year, in addition to living expenses for a 2-yr program. But you know, my EFC on the fafsa was 0 so there's always the possibility I could maybe get some grants or other assistance from the gov't? In all honesty, I'm just praying that God shows up in a big way if this is what I'm supposed to be doing... either now or after I get out and am looking for a job needing to pay off all my debt.
Because after looking hard at myself and all my options in the last 24 hrs, I'm going to be honest: I don't really want to do anything else right now. I would love to take some time off, but that would require me to re-audition and re-apply next year... who's to say that things would be better financially then than they are now? And I don't feel like I'm done developing musically either... perhaps academically, but definitely not as a pianist. There's nobody I'd rather study with than Mrs. Burkhart, who is the professor I'd have the privilege of working with. And to be honest, there's not a lot I can do in my field with an undergraduate degree in music history except to get a job that's outside my field or teach privately for a year or two, which is really only a short-term solution.
It's an investment. And it's so scary.
But when it comes down to it and I look at my other options, I really don't feel like I'm supposed to be doing anything else... and I don't really want to either. I want to get this done. In all honesty, I should have a master's already. But I don't. So that's where we're at: I'm not done. I don't want to be doing anything else. I don't feel like I should be doing anything else, despite the fact that my parents basically want me to do anything but study next year :)
And I'll probably spend the next month or so second-guessing myself before it finally all settles in. But right now, in this moment, sipping coffee while I procrastinate doing my German homework, in my heart I think I'm supposed to go and just trust the Lord to provide what's necessary. Dad says he owns all the cattle on 10,000 hills and all the money in the world. Mom says he has been and will continue to be our family's employer, retirement, and health insurance. Surely he will be mine too, both now and after I'm done with school.
And as much as I would love to just bask in the fact that I made it into one of the hardest schools to get into in the Midwest, the deal isn't quite as sweet as I'd hoped it would be. Rather than offering full tuition remission, the school of music is only able to offer 75% of it, since the economy is so sucky right now and they're not a state school. So that leaves me with a bill of about $10,000 a year, in addition to living expenses for a 2-yr program. But you know, my EFC on the fafsa was 0 so there's always the possibility I could maybe get some grants or other assistance from the gov't? In all honesty, I'm just praying that God shows up in a big way if this is what I'm supposed to be doing... either now or after I get out and am looking for a job needing to pay off all my debt.
Because after looking hard at myself and all my options in the last 24 hrs, I'm going to be honest: I don't really want to do anything else right now. I would love to take some time off, but that would require me to re-audition and re-apply next year... who's to say that things would be better financially then than they are now? And I don't feel like I'm done developing musically either... perhaps academically, but definitely not as a pianist. There's nobody I'd rather study with than Mrs. Burkhart, who is the professor I'd have the privilege of working with. And to be honest, there's not a lot I can do in my field with an undergraduate degree in music history except to get a job that's outside my field or teach privately for a year or two, which is really only a short-term solution.
It's an investment. And it's so scary.
But when it comes down to it and I look at my other options, I really don't feel like I'm supposed to be doing anything else... and I don't really want to either. I want to get this done. In all honesty, I should have a master's already. But I don't. So that's where we're at: I'm not done. I don't want to be doing anything else. I don't feel like I should be doing anything else, despite the fact that my parents basically want me to do anything but study next year :)
And I'll probably spend the next month or so second-guessing myself before it finally all settles in. But right now, in this moment, sipping coffee while I procrastinate doing my German homework, in my heart I think I'm supposed to go and just trust the Lord to provide what's necessary. Dad says he owns all the cattle on 10,000 hills and all the money in the world. Mom says he has been and will continue to be our family's employer, retirement, and health insurance. Surely he will be mine too, both now and after I'm done with school.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
rainy days
I'm sitting at Kaldi's on this rainy Saturday afternoon, sipping coffee that doesn't have nearly enough sweetener in it... to be corrected as soon as I'm finished here :) And yes, I'm definitely procrastinating working on a paper that's due Monday afternoon. The good news is that I successfully completed 6 pages of prose for Dr. Budds this week (a 1-pg essay and a 5-pg paper)... in the middle of the week no less. And I have to say that the 5-page paper due for his Hysterical (historical) Studies in Opera class is nothing short of pure poetry... which is probably why I'm having trouble today. Let's face it: I gave my best work already this week and now the prospect of finishing a 10-page paper this weekend just about gags me.
And as much as I try not to focus on it, I can't help but feeling like my life has been temporarily placed on hold until I hear back from WashU. And this is what I've learned from the entire experience: transitions suck. They are just so hard. It's hard when you feel like your life is up the air and you can't make a decision. It's hard when you feel like all you're doing is waiting. And it's even harder to stay motivated when you're exhausted of the situation you're in. It's just hard. As much as I try to be content with where I'm at, I can't help but thinking something just needs to change... although I'll probably be caught off guard when things finally do change and then left wishing things would go back to the way they were. Life is so complex. Sometimes I just find myself praying, "God, calm my restless and discontented heart. Self, get over it."
The only other news to report, other than my ongoing battle with my own anxiety, is that my lovely Edwina is gone until the first week of April. Having a good friend in close proximity really does make all the difference. But for now I'm on my own, with only the ice cream she left in the freezer to console me at night when I come home... although that's not entirely true. I do have my own stash of chocolate in the pantry I keep on-hand for particularly difficult days :) Apparently March is the season of perpetual waiting...
... as Mama always said, "This too shall pass, darling."
I'm looking forward to better weather next week... both literally and figuratively. Here's to hoping for warm days, productivity, peace of mind, and coffee with more sweetener in it next time...
And as much as I try not to focus on it, I can't help but feeling like my life has been temporarily placed on hold until I hear back from WashU. And this is what I've learned from the entire experience: transitions suck. They are just so hard. It's hard when you feel like your life is up the air and you can't make a decision. It's hard when you feel like all you're doing is waiting. And it's even harder to stay motivated when you're exhausted of the situation you're in. It's just hard. As much as I try to be content with where I'm at, I can't help but thinking something just needs to change... although I'll probably be caught off guard when things finally do change and then left wishing things would go back to the way they were. Life is so complex. Sometimes I just find myself praying, "God, calm my restless and discontented heart. Self, get over it."
The only other news to report, other than my ongoing battle with my own anxiety, is that my lovely Edwina is gone until the first week of April. Having a good friend in close proximity really does make all the difference. But for now I'm on my own, with only the ice cream she left in the freezer to console me at night when I come home... although that's not entirely true. I do have my own stash of chocolate in the pantry I keep on-hand for particularly difficult days :) Apparently March is the season of perpetual waiting...
... as Mama always said, "This too shall pass, darling."
I'm looking forward to better weather next week... both literally and figuratively. Here's to hoping for warm days, productivity, peace of mind, and coffee with more sweetener in it next time...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
chess
So it's a rainy Tuesday. My life is a bit of a mess right now, though I thought the mess was maybe starting to clear up. I was wrong. But given that it's a rainy Tuesday, it all sorta makes sense and I'm ok with it for the moment. I'm sitting here on campus, sipping coffee with lots of cream and sweetener and wondering how it's all gonna come together.
This last week, my dad's younger sister passed away. It was so hard... mostly because her death breaks the ice for his generation. One down for the count, you know. She had been through her first round of breast cancer about 10 yrs ago and had been declared free of it. Then recently a different form of cancer had come back again and she just absolutely refused to go through that process again. So it was expected, and yet not. I figured I would be going to a funeral over spring break perhaps, definitely not a mere week after visiting her. And I can definitely say that I am soooo freaking glad we went to see her last Sunday before she went home to be with the Lord, which my cousin tells us she prayed for Wednesday evening before she went to sleep. That part is so crazy to me. She asked to be taken home and God just went ahead and did that for her... such an act of mercy. It's a little overwhelming to me when he does stuff like that for people.
And despite finding out this tragic news about half an hour before my lesson last Thursday (and my pieces sounding like the attempts of a 5-yr-old throughout the duration of that lesson), all my music is now memorized. It's definitely not perfect, but I can get through everything and I've still got 6 weeks til my recital. I am just thanking the good Lord above for giving me a teacher who pushes me hard and then lets things ferment. She understands me in a way I could never have imagined... on that note, I think she just has an unparallelled sense of human nature. It is fantastic. But it's come with a price: I'm so behind in my writing for Budds. I got a bunch of work done on my Holst project this weekend only to find out I'm going to have to edit out at least 2 of the 7 and 1/2 pages I got written. And then there's all the writing for his writing intensive class on the history of opera. The list goes on and on. Sigh. Sometimes I feel like Cinderella, wondering if all my work's gonna get done in time for me to go to the graduation ball.
I'm also realizing via my students that I still have much to learn as a teacher. Yesterday I was given a check for which I didn't feel competent to receive. And that's not a good feeling. Not that I don't have anything to contribute to this student... on the contrary, I feel certain I've left a lasting impression on her musical development. And yet I know that by the end of this year, she will have outgrown me as a teacher and will need to move on. Hard stuff to face. Not to mention where that leaves me with my decision about grad school...
Edwina and I had a really good conversation about this last night, though... perhaps the best conversation I've had with anybody about this particular crossroad in the last 6 months: there's absolutely no way I can make a decision right now. Edwina tells me her dad says life is like a game of chess. It creates complicated situations and then systematically sorts them out through various circumstances. So even though I've been standing at this crossroads for over 6 months now, really there's no other choice right now than to just keep standing there and wait for the right path to systematically reveal itself. So when I asked her the question, "If you were me, what would you do with the next year of my life," her answer was the most profound I've been given thus far: "I would make the right choice and not second-guess myself." And I just have to say that is one of the many reasons we are friends... because she recognizes when I need to be given back my dignity and freedom of choice when I would otherwise willingly abdicate that to someone else in exchange for concrete direction. So my dear friend, if you are reading this, thank you for that.
This last week, my dad's younger sister passed away. It was so hard... mostly because her death breaks the ice for his generation. One down for the count, you know. She had been through her first round of breast cancer about 10 yrs ago and had been declared free of it. Then recently a different form of cancer had come back again and she just absolutely refused to go through that process again. So it was expected, and yet not. I figured I would be going to a funeral over spring break perhaps, definitely not a mere week after visiting her. And I can definitely say that I am soooo freaking glad we went to see her last Sunday before she went home to be with the Lord, which my cousin tells us she prayed for Wednesday evening before she went to sleep. That part is so crazy to me. She asked to be taken home and God just went ahead and did that for her... such an act of mercy. It's a little overwhelming to me when he does stuff like that for people.
And despite finding out this tragic news about half an hour before my lesson last Thursday (and my pieces sounding like the attempts of a 5-yr-old throughout the duration of that lesson), all my music is now memorized. It's definitely not perfect, but I can get through everything and I've still got 6 weeks til my recital. I am just thanking the good Lord above for giving me a teacher who pushes me hard and then lets things ferment. She understands me in a way I could never have imagined... on that note, I think she just has an unparallelled sense of human nature. It is fantastic. But it's come with a price: I'm so behind in my writing for Budds. I got a bunch of work done on my Holst project this weekend only to find out I'm going to have to edit out at least 2 of the 7 and 1/2 pages I got written. And then there's all the writing for his writing intensive class on the history of opera. The list goes on and on. Sigh. Sometimes I feel like Cinderella, wondering if all my work's gonna get done in time for me to go to the graduation ball.
I'm also realizing via my students that I still have much to learn as a teacher. Yesterday I was given a check for which I didn't feel competent to receive. And that's not a good feeling. Not that I don't have anything to contribute to this student... on the contrary, I feel certain I've left a lasting impression on her musical development. And yet I know that by the end of this year, she will have outgrown me as a teacher and will need to move on. Hard stuff to face. Not to mention where that leaves me with my decision about grad school...
Edwina and I had a really good conversation about this last night, though... perhaps the best conversation I've had with anybody about this particular crossroad in the last 6 months: there's absolutely no way I can make a decision right now. Edwina tells me her dad says life is like a game of chess. It creates complicated situations and then systematically sorts them out through various circumstances. So even though I've been standing at this crossroads for over 6 months now, really there's no other choice right now than to just keep standing there and wait for the right path to systematically reveal itself. So when I asked her the question, "If you were me, what would you do with the next year of my life," her answer was the most profound I've been given thus far: "I would make the right choice and not second-guess myself." And I just have to say that is one of the many reasons we are friends... because she recognizes when I need to be given back my dignity and freedom of choice when I would otherwise willingly abdicate that to someone else in exchange for concrete direction. So my dear friend, if you are reading this, thank you for that.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
in tents
This weekend was so intense... just like boy scouts -- get it? In tents? Mer mer. In all seriousness though, it was a tough time. I did taxes and the fafsa with my mom... 50 billion forms though she saved me $400, went to Halley's birthday party (which was fun, but I didn't get to actually talk to her much since it was mostly family attending), said good-bye to the most influential person in my life and her husband and kids since they moved to Nebraska yesterday, and went to visit my aunt who's on hospice. Oh yeah... and then I had to come back to school. Needless to say, by the time I got back to Columbia and slid into my bathtub Sunday night, I was not a happy camper. I was super depressed, mega-stressed since I hadn't gotten any homework done whatsoever, and generally unhappy with essentially everything.
Today I'm in a slightly better place. At least I don't have the kinds of crazy irrational thoughts running through my head that plagued me the other night. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Katie's mind can be a really dark place sometimes. Anyway, a bunch of time freed itself up today since my family of 4 students that I teach on Tuesdays are all ill, which is honestly quite convenient seeing as how this is the third week in a row of memorizing a piece of music per week for Dr. Wenger's critical ears in my lessons. I really am about to go insane. I haven't worked on my research for the Prokofiev paper at all in the last 10-12 days because I figure if I get all my music finally memorized, I'll be in a better position mentally and emotionally to deal with everything else. Thank God this is my last piece. I really could almost puke at the amount of Debussy I've ingested recently. And you know how I love Debussy.
In all honesty, things aren't ideal right now. I've said good-bye to three of my best friends in the last three months. Leaves a girl feeling somewhat abandoned. And sometimes I just totally let myself go to that place and be miserable and its slightly wonderful in a very commiserative and morbid way. But Sunday night, I wrote a memo to God detailing my frustrations, asking him to just meet me where I'm at, despite the fact that I'm unable and somewhat unwilling at this point to pursue him because of my crazy, emotionally-frazzled state and an even harrier schedule. And I have to tell you, the last two days have been so much better. I often feel like I'm running on fumes (or less!), but right now it seems like he has just been helping me face one thing after another these last 36 hrs without completely losing it. And I know its easy to just say "Oh, God is helping me to do blah blah blah" when really its just that your circumstances seem to be working out the way you want them to. But let me just say there's a distinct difference between that and genuinely feeling like you're no longer completely alone in your attempts to move mountains or deal with small monsters. The presence he fills you with when you just ask him for it is what makes all the difference between seriously feeling like you're going out of your ever-loving mind and being able to deal with life with some measure of dignity and sanity... somebody please remind me of that five days from now when I will more than likely be in a dark place again...
Today I'm in a slightly better place. At least I don't have the kinds of crazy irrational thoughts running through my head that plagued me the other night. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Katie's mind can be a really dark place sometimes. Anyway, a bunch of time freed itself up today since my family of 4 students that I teach on Tuesdays are all ill, which is honestly quite convenient seeing as how this is the third week in a row of memorizing a piece of music per week for Dr. Wenger's critical ears in my lessons. I really am about to go insane. I haven't worked on my research for the Prokofiev paper at all in the last 10-12 days because I figure if I get all my music finally memorized, I'll be in a better position mentally and emotionally to deal with everything else. Thank God this is my last piece. I really could almost puke at the amount of Debussy I've ingested recently. And you know how I love Debussy.
In all honesty, things aren't ideal right now. I've said good-bye to three of my best friends in the last three months. Leaves a girl feeling somewhat abandoned. And sometimes I just totally let myself go to that place and be miserable and its slightly wonderful in a very commiserative and morbid way. But Sunday night, I wrote a memo to God detailing my frustrations, asking him to just meet me where I'm at, despite the fact that I'm unable and somewhat unwilling at this point to pursue him because of my crazy, emotionally-frazzled state and an even harrier schedule. And I have to tell you, the last two days have been so much better. I often feel like I'm running on fumes (or less!), but right now it seems like he has just been helping me face one thing after another these last 36 hrs without completely losing it. And I know its easy to just say "Oh, God is helping me to do blah blah blah" when really its just that your circumstances seem to be working out the way you want them to. But let me just say there's a distinct difference between that and genuinely feeling like you're no longer completely alone in your attempts to move mountains or deal with small monsters. The presence he fills you with when you just ask him for it is what makes all the difference between seriously feeling like you're going out of your ever-loving mind and being able to deal with life with some measure of dignity and sanity... somebody please remind me of that five days from now when I will more than likely be in a dark place again...
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