Just for fun, I've decided it's high time I give you a look into my life as a pianist. We're a rare breed and the things that come out of our mouths often astonish me if I think about them too much... so I try not to. But every now and then, it strikes me anew how amazingly different we are from the rest of the world... towards the edge of ridiculousness in some cases. Most of what I've written here are either things repeated on such a regular basis that I don't think twice about it, or things I've said before and realized my own ridiculousness in the moment. For your convenience, I've divided these gem-like phrases into categories...
The needs:
"Do you have any nail clippers? I left mine in the car..."
"Ugh, I am totally out of hole re-inforcers..."
"I clearly didn't drink enough coffee this morning..."
"Thanks for feeding me."
"I need to go pick up some music for my kids..."
"Can you stop and get me a banana on your way?"
"Man, I really need to go practice..."
"Hey, wanna hang out? I just really need to be with people."
"Oh yeah... it's in my car." (as in, whatever... anything... and everything: music scores, multiple pairs of shoes, food, water, tea bags, tissues, stamps, Bible, car charger, extra pair of mittens, scissors, tape, a hole punch, the NFMC guide to repertoire selections, an air mattress, a blanket... you get the idea...)
The excuses:
"I can't... I have rehearsal."
"I can't... I have to teach."
"I can't... I have to play a wedding."
"I can't... I have to play for the Lutherans (or denomination of choice)."
"I can't... my kids have a competition/recital."
"I can't... I have to practice."
"I don't think Beethoven would approve..."
The complaints:
"I need to practice so bad... I haven't touched a piano in like 3 days."
"Oh man... I have to play a wedding this weekend and I am so not ready."
"If I have to play Canon in D one more time..."
"Ugh, I have a cold. I just can't hear anything right now..."
"If I don't practice soon, the pads on my fingers are going to go away..."
"I haven't clipped my nails in so long..." (like, a week)
"That judge is anything but a pianist. Look at hair nails! She clearly has a full set of acrylics and hasn't played in years..."
"That fingering is awful. What edition is this...?"
"Those slurs are soooo not Bach's..."
"I don't think that pedaling is Beethoven's..."
"Oh man, my Beethoven/Chopin/Bach/Rachmaninoff/etc is KILLING me..."
"That left-hand passage in the development is brutal..."
"Bach, why do you HATE me??"
"I only practiced like an hour today..."
Things we tell our students:
"You need to clip your nails. Like stat. Sorry, it's part of being a pianist. Embrace it."
"I really want you to practice this in short sections, slowly, counting out loud."
"Did you count?"
"Have you practiced it hands seperate?"
"Have you practiced it hands together?
"Have you practiced it hands together in short sections?"
"Seriously, one or two measures at a time. And then the next one or two measures. And then hook those two measures to the first two measures. And then take that line and add it to another two measures... it's like you're going to build a big lego train of two-measure chunks."
"I promise: the way to go fast is to go slow. Think about the tortoise and the hare..."
"See this fermata? It means you can hold this note as long as you want. You could hold it so long, people will feel like they need to go get a cup of coffee or take a shower..."
"This measure needs some serious stop-practice..."
"Have you worked on it with the metronome?"
"Boy, that's a nasty page-turn, isn't it?"
"I need more top..."
"Shhh!"
"Count"
"Sing!"
"Your left hand is a little too loud there."
"Great! Can you add your dynamics now?"
"Up-down"
"Down-up"
"More-less"
"Get your pedal ready!"
"Yeah, good... I need more."
"YES!!! Oh man, I nearly fell over that was so good!"
"Here, can you go for a ride? Put your hand on top of mine."
"Um... I don't believe you. Can you try it again and shape the phrase better?"
"Ahhh! Look at all that tension in your thumb! You might as well be asking to get picked up on the side of the highway..."
"Um, I really need your fingers to not be flat."
"There's no way you'll ever play your scales faster with bent fingers..."
"Can you try it again without a hitchhiker thumb?"
"I'm going to give you this Taylor Swift/Disney/Twilight/Beatles/Harry Potter/etc piece, but I want you to be sure to count it out loud and use the fingering they give you..."
"So how have you been practicing this?"
"I'm gonna guess that you practiced this maybe 2 or 3 times this week..."
"Yes, yes, yes.... AHHH!!! No! No! You're killin' me, Smalls! Ok good. Let's go back..."
"Have you listened to this yet?"
"Did I give you any theory?"
"Don't put your hand between your legs when you bow... it looks like you have to go to the bathroom."
"I promise this is how real pianists do it."
I could go on. But it's time to sleep. Because tomorrow I'm gonna get up and do it all over again :)
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