pacing

Oh man, what a beautiful morning! I'm sitting in my recently-cleaned duplex (since I finally had the time to clean it), celebrating the beauty of spring with the windows open and allowing the 70-something degree breezes of this lovely morning to blow their way through the bachelorette pad. I'm on vacation and I love it. I'm not allowing myself to practice til 1 June. Absences makes the heart grow fonder, you know.

So far this morning, I've successfully done laundry, had my quiet time, and read the newspaper from two days ago. I'm still in my jams and glasses, even at 10:45 on a Friday morning with Harry Connick Jr crooning to me over my iTunes. This is the kind of pace I've been longing for since the end of winter break. Thank God a season of rest is here!

And Mama is on her way to Columbia right now as we speak to share a beautiful weekend of repose and relaxation with me. She needs it and I am happy to have her company (and her attention!). It will be wonderful.

And things are going really well with the boy. We had a rough start... this last weekend I basically short-circuited when things all of sudden seemed to be moving way too fast and completely out of control, both of us at fault. But we had a great talk last night after a few days apart and he is so understanding and totally willing to work through things, which shows a lot of character. And can I just say that I'm so painfully aware that whoever chooses to be in any kind of a relationship with me basically has to have the patience of Job and the flexibility of a rubber band. I'm painfully aware of it. But from what I can tell he's got both, which puts my heart at ease. And in all honesty, I'm interested to see that he doesn't let me run him over, which I also have a tendency to do in relationships... basically a little girl grown up, just hoping someone will call me on my bull like my parents do, particularly my Daddy. And I know that sounds terrible, but awareness is half the battle.

And I never thought I'd say it, but as much as I hate boundaries, I've learned that I really need them, especially in relationships... one of the tragic hallmarks of my last major relationship: there were none... or very few at least. Codependency is never healthy. So that's what I'm hoping to avoid here early on, as well as not losing the sense of identity I worked so hard to cultivate these last six years.

And let's just be honest: it just takes time to get to know someone and get used to their various quirks. And in actuality, this is the part of relationships that I glory in, given the right conditions. It's letting them get to know me that is the hard part. A dear friend of mine once gave me some of the best and most beautiful encouragement: "You should let people appreciate you as much as you let yourself appreciate others, Katie... because you are wonderful." And as much as I honestly believe that about myself, I often feel God calling my bluff on that one, since he seems to consistently bring people into my life who honestly want to know the real me, which is both scary and exhilarating all at the same time. So that's where we're at: letting him in, slowly. Not perfectly, not elegantly, and definitely not systematically. But slowly... I'm not looking for a raging inferno of emotion. Oddly enough in the world of Katie, where everything is seemingly upside down, resembling more of an Alice-in-Wonderland type of logic, slow and steady wins the race. And I think he gets that. So we'll see where it goes...