doors

This morning I'm sitting in my friend Jill's apartment just outside of Kansas City. It's shortly after 9 am and I'm still in my pj's with... you guessed it: a cup of coffee sitting next to me. It's been nearly a month since I've posted, maybe longer. I could check but that would require effort. So much has happened since then, but I suppose that's how it goes when you average one post a month... :)

As it so happens, I am no longer attending Washington University this fall. Talk about a painful weekend: about three weeks ago, a bunch of fit hit the shan, so to speak, and the reality of student loans set in. MU does this wonderful thing called exit counseling for their student loan borrowers after they graduate and are about to start repayment. Needless to say, after calculating up the total borrowed for undergrad, realizing how much I'd have to borrow to go to Wash U ($10,000 + living expenses), thinking about my poor car which was having fuel pump problems that weekend and is on the verge of hitting the 100,000 mile mark after 18 years of faithful service in the world, and considering the reality of loan repayments after graduate school on a piano teacher's salary (let alone a normal person's salary)... even with the deal Wash U was giving me, it all just started to seem really foolish. Not to mention that we all know Katie is just a little bit on the edge of burnout anyway and could probably use the break from school. And my piano professor had always said that taking some time away from school wouldn't kill my career. She had also warned me to avoid any graduate music program that wouldn't pay for the whole shebang (tuition + an assistantship or a stipend), which I suppose is debateable but she makes a good point. So I'm in the process of figuring out what to do next...

... which brings me back to this morning: sitting in my friend Jill's apartment in Kansas City. As soon as I'm finished here, I will be getting ready to go meet her at Calvary Bible College to meet the faculty of the music and theater departments. It so happens that she is the secretary to both departments and, if she were staying this semester, would be the main piano teacher in their community music program as well as the principal accompanist for the chorales and the musical theatre endeavors of both departments. Unfortunately she and her husband are leaving mid-October since he's in the army and will be headed elsewhere for training. So it's an opportunity for me to potentially step in and take her place. I'm not sure that I'm deliriously excited about it, which I don't entirely understand why not other than to say that I'm pretty leary in general of things that could potentially be scary. And as wonderful as the opportunity sounds, it has a lot of potential to be scary: all of my friends and family are in St. Louis and moving here would mean striking out on my own, four hours away from everything and everyone I know and love, and not merely to go to school or do any type of ministry, but to work. I used to think I was brave but that prospect does not sound exciting. And maybe this is something important to consider: I'm seeing this as nothing but a job opportunity and I am exactly the sort of person who is not motivated solely by work or money... there has to be more there. It has to mean something to me. But I won't know if it means anything to me or not until I see the college and meet the faculty and see what I would be doing. So that's why I'm here: because I'll never know for sure until I actually investigate. I also know that what I'm about to say will sound really shallow, but anyone who's been raised in the St. Louis area will understand... I'm not sure that I want to move to... Kansas City of all places?? It's just a cultural thing. And it sounds stupid, but it is in fact valid.

But more than anything, I just want to know what I want and I want to know what God wants. I know what I want in five years. But I feel like I keep asking myself what I really want in the meantime. Because there are too many trade-offs right now. Either decision will require a number of sacrifices. But sacrifices are worth it if you know what you really want and can keep your eyes focused on those goals. So that's what I keep bringing before the Lord: God, you've brought me to this place. All of a sudden, my fall semester has magically cleared itself... where do you want me now? And what in the world do I want? And why do I always seem to have so much trouble figuring out what I want? My sister would say, "It's because you have anxiety." And I know she would be right, even if that wasn't the entire reason for all of my indecisiveness and restlessness...

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4