cleaving

Tonight I have very few words.  Well, I'm starting out that way at least...  I'm lost in thought... thoughts about how I really feel about my current situation.  I think I've been repressing things for a while now in the hopes that I can speak positively to myself and stave off negativity...

Can I just say that at this time in my life I feel like nobody is there to take care of me?  I recently nannied for a friend from Mizzou who now has a 5-month-old.  She's married and is doing what she loves professionally and is completely happy, supported both emotionally and financially by a husband who loves her dearly.  And Halley too... Halley is desperately in love with a guy who supports her emotionally and wants to marry her before next October (sooner if they can get away with it, I think).  So I've been thinking about all this recently and my overriding thought is this:  "Hmm, must be nice."  To feel so loved and supported by another person, that is...

This is not to diminish the role my family plays.  But in the process of becoming an adult, there's a certain amount of "leaving" that takes place.  And if there's nobody to "cleave" to, it all of sudden feels very disorienting.  I realize this is the normal process for young Americans.  But there's something inside me that screams out at the injustice of suddenly feeling lost and on my own.  And maybe this is just me tonight, mourning a number of different things... hard things that have happened in my personal life recently, particularly in my family and with different males.  The process seems to be circular in nature:  wrong guy, family crap, wrong guy, family crap... which probably sounds really whiny and petty to you, dear Reader.  But whenever I feel the need to defend my feelings, I always go back to what Beth Moore says:  if you felt it, then it means something.  Tonight I feel the lament quite deeply.  End defense.  This is my story, not yours.

This is not about the desire to be married in the next 6-8 months, or even a year from now.  This is about the feelings of displacement and disillusionment that come with being on your own.  Right now I feel like I'm cleaving to... no one.  Except the Lord, that is.  And there are days when even that is questionable.

And maybe, just maybe, if nothing happens outside of God's will, then maybe I'm right where he wants me:  sad and angry about so many different things... so aware of my need for him, ...depending on him not only for my emotional well-being but for my very survival in this world right now...

This summer I read a book called "The Talent Code" by Daniel Coyle, which, by the way, is a fantastic book.  In it, Coyle talks about how human skill is cultivated... the brain mechanism by which it is derived, if you will.  He discusses world-class expertise and how it is developed in human beings.  In one part he mentions that many world-class experts, particularly the ones who are most famous (aka who became the best of the best... the ones you've heard of, whose names are household idioms) had a common motivational fire under their butt, driving them towards their success:  the loss of a parent at a young age.

I do not claim to be a world-class expert or even someone who is on my way to becoming a world-class expert.  I just claim to be a girl who's recently had the experience of understanding exactly what it feels like to all of a sudden feel like nobody's there to take care of you anymore... that you've gotta make it on your own somehow in this world.  And maybe I need to just give that the weight it deserves... I think I keep dismissing it in my mind as something that's not important and something I need to just get over and move on from.  But what I really need more than anything is to be healed from my past hurts... maybe sometimes in order to do that though, you have to recognize where you're at and work backward?

In one of my most recent counseling sessions, I spoke with Lynn about how I feel like I have no one to work through my problems with anymore, aside from her and occasionally Halley.  And of course that's obviously the entire point of where I'm at:  God isn't going to just let my faith disappear in the pleasures of what I think I want... not when he himself is enough.  He gives us what we actually want and need when it is good for us.  It's all of a sudden a deeper trust I'm learning... I have a God who has promised to be my counselor.  And not just in a feel-good about myself, fit-my-specific problems and worldview kind of way, but in a "for reasons that you don't understand, beloved, I want you at the throne daily with not just your requests for providence and wisdom and deeper understanding of scripture, but bringing me your mourning and laments and hurts -- past, present, and future -- that scream out for healing now" kind of way.

The book of Romans assures me on multiple occasions that I'm united with Christ by his death and resurrection... He is the one I can cleave to wholeheartedly.