needs

Lots of people have wish lists.  I've been thinking a lot about my wish list lately, since I've been thinking a lot about what I actually want in life.  But the more I think about my wish list, the more I think about my what-I-actually-need-list.  And it's becoming substantial.  I could sit here and talk about how I need a new pair of jeans but you and I both know that when it comes down to it, I could probably go another 4-6 months, maybe even a year without them.  I've become so aware of needs lately.  It comes with the territory of being a starving artist.  And hopefully the 10 of you who read this blog know that the term "starving artist" is used here tongue-in-cheek because I'm not actually starving, although there are definitely weeks when I wonder if I will be or not.  But I never am.  God is and always has been such a faithful provider.  Compared to the rest of the world, I'm so wealthy, even though my friend Laura tells me that most janitors make more than musicians who run their own studio.  Awesome, right?

By the way... sorry if this post makes you uncomfortable talking about money.  It's something I'm quite used to by now because well let's face it, when you're at the bottom of the food chain, it becomes an issue.  It always amazes me how people who have money never like to talk about it because they maybe feel guilty that they have it and people who don't have any money sometimes feel ashamed about it, both of which are just silly.  Granted, you want to talk about the issue with people you trust but there's absolutely no reason to feel anything about money other than a healthy respect for it and knowing where it's place is in your life.  Jesus taught on money more than any other subject.  And the more you begin to functionally trust that what the Bible says about how the lilies of the field are clothed in splendor and the birds of the air want for nothing because they have a creator who takes care of them, the less scary it is.  Sounds extremely cliche I know, but I guess that's where child-like faith comes in.  The more you realize the truth that Jesus was who he said he was and came here to do what he did for us and in the end conquered death on our behalf, well... the rest of the stuff we worry about so much doesn't really matter.  Including money.

So in the end, I stop worrying about money and just tell him what I actually need, regardless of cost or logistics.  And I usually have to wrestle with what I actually need for a while and get to a place where I'm doing something that has nothing to do with anything (like driving or running or in the shower) and thinking about everything and then realize there's absolutely nothing I can do in any manner whatsoever to bring about the thing I need so badly.  And it's at that point that I usually weep out loud the simplest of statements, "Jesus I need ________...!" and that's when the Holy Spirit steps in.  Something clicks and I feel myself let go.  It's not a formula.  It doesn't always happen that my needs are met right then.  Especially if I'm in the shower.  Or even a week later.  Sometimes it takes a long time.  But I feel myself let go of the mangled mess that it had become in my mind.  And then when that need is met... it's like none other.

When you really, really need something, receiving it is the sweetest thing.

Having experienced this a lot recently, I have a theory now that if you live your life according to the things you need, you'll never be disappointed.  There have been so many situations where I've received something and known in my heart that it wasn't right because either I didn't really, really need it at the time or the manner in which it was given / received did not have that sweet, need-being-met-in-a-radical-way kind of feeling.  And it's not about the feeling.  But it can be a good litmus test for what's actually going on inside, particularly for yours truly.  I have a theory that if you live only according to what you really need, everything else is just icing on the cake.

It was Shakespeare who said, "Poor and content is rich, and rich enough."  Maybe that's part of what the Bible is trying to get at when it says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit..."

Someday when I meet my husband, it's gonna be awesome.  Because that is a need I've been waiting on for a while now... I really need someone out there somewhere with a Y chromosome and a young heart that knows and loves Jesus, has a good mind, a covenant-view of relationships, and a reasonably attractive exterior to invest in Katie both emotionally and financially long-term.  Given my parents' divorce, I can tell you it scares the crap out of me, even though I know it's something I really need.  And who knows?  Maybe it'll be another 5-10 years before I meet someone.  Maybe I'll never get married.  At this point, I suppose anything's possible.  And I'm ok with that.  God is a good and faithful God.  He'll take care of me in the meantime.

But then someday I'll get to see Jesus.  And it will be the sweetest thing.