ashes to ashes

It's 11:23 pm.  My sucky day is officially over.  I just walked in the door, am going to write for 6 minutes, change clothes, crawl into bed, and hope that when I wake up, the way I feel right now will be but a figment of my imagination or the result of low hormones and high stress.

I won't go into tons of crazy details, only to say that I had two pretty stressful rehearsals this morning, followed by an afternoon of teaching, followed then by an Ash Wednesday service that I had to play for, which I was of course late to because I had to teach.  To top it all off, I went out with some dear friends afterwards, which I thought would be fun.  But then the two brothers of the husband came along as well, one of which I'm positive has sworn to loathe me for all eternity, tonight not sparing.  He was totally rude and it was completely uncalled for.  I drove home wondering what the hell I said or did to deserve such treatment other than to exist as a single female within his sphere of acquaintance.  It also made me wonder if I'm ever going to find the right person.  Not because I'm attracted to him by any means, but because with my track record... well, when a man treats me badly, it doesn't surprise me one single bit, but rather just adds to the weight of sadness -- years of feeling largely ignored or abandoned by the male population in one way or another...  I have to fight to believe that there's one out there who will actually treasure my heart someday.  And yes, that's the truth.  At least, it's the truth of what I feel and have felt for a long while.

So that brings me to now, sitting at my computer, still in service attire, blogging the cold, hard truth about my problems right now and feeling sorry for myself online because it's 11:30 and it's inappropriate to call anyone and talk.  Not that I would want them to hear any of this anyway.  I pray this is a faint memory in six hours when I have to wake up and go teach my 8 am student.

Here's the thing:  Jesus, I need you.  Because I'm too cynical and skeptical for my own good.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.  It's what we came from.  It's where we go back to.  Dave Cover used to say that whether a believer or not, "we weep our way into eternity" because of the brokenness of this world.  Thank God there's one greater than ourselves... who came to save us from ourselves.  Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus.