swimming

I'm doing laundry at my friend Christine's today, since the washer at Mom's broke earlier this week and we have no laundry at our apartment.  Christine is such a gem of a human being... truly, a dear friend.  I am so blessed to have a number of fantastic girlfriends who make it easier to be a self-employed pianist trying to eek out a living.  I could not do it on my own.

But this week I've realized a very profound truth.  It actually hit me in the shower this morning:  I can't do this forever.  There's no money in what I'm doing.  And I'm not trying to be selfish or build an empire.  I'm just trying to make it.  And I have to continually swim (and swim furiously) in order to do it, lest I drown financially.  It's not easy, this being a musician in the wild.  To be honest, I don't know that it's really possible long-term.  Most female musicians that I know of either teach in the university system... or are married.  Or both.

There are things that are basic to existence that I need to be able to do, like go to the doctor or buy groceries. And I'll be honest with you, dear Reader: it's hard to do even these things sometimes.  Not to mention things like buying a new car eventually or being able to save long-term.  It's a jungle out there.  And the economy doesn't make it any easier.

So something has to change and I'm not sure what it is yet.  I finally got to a point recently where I was emotionally ok with not being in school right now, only to realize a week or so later that it may in fact be the exact step I have to take next in order to be able to actually make enough money to exist in this world without living on a shoestring budget.  Lordy, life is so ironic.

I mean, I could take a part-time position as an elementary music teacher somewhere, if something opened up.  But then I would essentially be kissing my career as a pianist good-bye.  Not sure that's what I want.

The other alternative is marriage... which brings its own set of problems, if it's not the right time or person.  And there's nobody on the radar right now, which I'm ok with, unless you count the Starbucks barista my dad keeps trying to set me up with... another story in itself, lol.

So I don't know... change is in the air.  I feel it and smell it coming in the not-so-distant future.  And I'm not sure what it is yet.  But Lord knows things can't stay like this forever.  I could be fearful, which I completely am some days.  But other days, like today, when my stress levels are lower, I'm ok with it... just taking it in stride.  So I just pray about what the change is supposed to be and for a discerning spirit to make the good decisions when the time is right.

I guess we'll see what happens...