It's a good thing I went to church this morning, since the sermon happened to be exactly what I needed to hear. Taken from James 4:5-10, our pastor spoke on pride and temptation. I think his Katie-radar must have gone off this week, since this has been exactly what I've been struggling with...
I'll attempt brevity, but stay with me here:
- I've realized in the past couple of weeks that I'm in a co-dependent relationship with school. Not that school needs me, but it's the first thing I run to when I'm struggling. It's what I've always poured myself into when things don't go the way I think they should. Family problems? Go write your paper. No guys around? Go practice. A guy pursues you and it makes you uncomfortable? You've got a test next week... go type up your notes. It's what I'm good at, and it fully exhausts me so that... well, I don't have to worry about or deal with the reality of the rest of my life. And we all do it in one way or another... we all have some sort of patch that distracts us from the harsh reality of our situation. Mine has always been school.
- I have no patch anymore. I'm not in school. And as much as I want to and try, there's nothing in my life right now to fully exhaust my emotions. It's a healthy thing, this not being dependent on school for my validation and purpose in life. But it's taken away my coping mechanism for now. I'm on a school diet. And the withdrawal is horrendous.
- So, I'm not getting what I want right now. Which makes me feel like a crazy person...
- ...which makes it hard for me to stay motivated. If I can't go big, it's hard for me to go at all. A little background: I graduated Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa from Mizzou last year. To those of you who've never heard of this honors fraternity, I might as well have graduated Pi Mega Tampon (Phoebe, Friends, Season 7). It means nothing to most people. But in the world of academia, it's a huge honor. 17 presidents, 38 Supreme Court Justices, and 136 Nobel Laureates have been PBK members. In short, I look at my academic record and think, "What are you DOING with your life, Katie?? All you're doing is teaching piano and accompanying a couple of choirs. You need to be doing more... like, a lot more. Why am I not doing more? What could I be doing better? What program could I apply to that would quell my desire to excel in all the ways that I used to??" Because it turns out, I'm having a hard time existing outside the educational system. It's a new reality that I've never had to deal with until now and the truth is, it's stinkin' hard.
- And it's hard to admit this truth.
- And it's hard to remember this every day when I wake up and go about my daily business.
- ... which is precisely why I'm not supposed to be in school right now. If I was supposed to be in school right now, God would have me in a grad program somewhere and I would be happily killing myself every day. Because that's what I do when I'm in school.
- But it turns out that when you're routinely tempted, even if it's just by the desire for something and it's all in your head, you can't just say no to it over and over again... eventually you'll give in and chances are, you'll probably give in big. This is what I learned [again] this morning per the sermon at Central... when you're trying to conquer a desire (in my case, the desire to do more and be better academically and professionally... which, let me qualify, is not a bad desire in and of itself at all... it's just that I've made it into an idol), instead of just quitting cold-turkey and deciding you don't want it anymore, you have to decide that you want something different, something better, something... healthier, maybe? In spiritual terms, you have to re-align your desires to God's.
So my version of better is this: living in reality, not using school as a diversion from it, and not driving myself insane with this constant need to go out there and win the world. And realizing that even though sometimes (or very often) I may not feel like I'm doing anything significant with my life right now, I need to remember that I have 11 children whose musical personalities and growth are being shaped by my instruction on a weekly basis. And three choirs who rely on me to collaborate with them and help them learn parts so that they can have an enjoyable and memorable musical experience. I may not be doing ground-breaking research or teaching at a university or writing world-class, award-winning arts criticism for the New York Times. But I can do my part too, and have healthy goals and desires simultaneously. Because it's not about the desires that I have... those are good. It's the degree to which I let them control my life and define who I am as a person... that is what's unhealthy.
And the short-term goals I mentioned in my previous post? Well, I've been thinking about them all day... because despite what I'm doing for others in my professional life, it's important to do things for myself too -- to keep my brain active so I don't blog about how crazy I am on such a frequent basis... ;)
Every semester, my friend Stuart and I used to make a new list of goals. We would have meetings over beer and burgers where we'd take down the minutes and type up our lists. I really miss that. So we'll pretend that you, dear Reader, are Stuart and I'll be our secretary. Feel free to post your list in the comments section below. My list of Fall 2011 Goals includes the following (with, we'll say, a deadline of Thanksgiving Day... I'll comment or post again later to let you know how they're coming):
- Read and blog about at least 8 more composers from our favored text, The Lives of the Great Composers by Prof. Schonberg. That's an average of one per week or less. Definitely attainable.
- Attend and blog about 2-3 St. Louis Symphony concerts. Seems reasonable to me. I really want to go to opening weekend at Powell Hall. They're performing Stravinsky's Rite of Spring. I should really make that a reality.
- Organize a writing contest for my students with the topic of their favorite composer, where they must cite three musical examples.
- Re-read the book recommended to me by my counselor last year. Maybe go through it with my friend Christine? It changed my life when I read it the first time and I need to read it again and being accountable to a friend is always a good thing.
- Put away $500 in savings.
- Run 2-3 times a week so you can enjoy the change of colors this fall.
- 1 lesson per month. I need something to practice for on a regular basis. My own stuff, not just accompanying.
- Spend at least 4-5 Sunday evenings with your mom watching Inspector Lewis on PBS. Because Lewis' sidekick is a tall, athletic-looking, intellectual blonde man with a British accent. It's one of the hottest things I've ever seen. Not to mention that the mysteries themselves are fantastic.
- Remember that as much as you want your students to succeed, they are human children and not robotic machines. And you absolutely wouldn't want it any other way.
- Finish reading Madame Bovary...
... and by all means Katie, put away the rest of your ambitious, ass-kicking dreams for at least another two months. They'll still be there after Thanksgiving. Otherwise I wear myself out. Careers aren't built in days or months, but over years. And you know what? With some 11 million people out of work, I count myself one of the lucky who has a job... who can make rent and buy groceries. Praise God for his provision.
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