It's December. Which means that I have no life right now. And what little life I do have is spent trying to calculate my next Elf on the Shelf move in an attempt to spark some sort of relationship-building endeavor amongst my new roommates.
I've been eating/breathing/sleeping/singing the Vivaldi Gloria in my head for the past 2-3 weeks now and will continue to do so for another as we head into the final week before Lutheran's Christmas concert. I'm falling in love with this work... desperately so. It's a gorgeous piece of music. I only hope I can do it justice. But the kids are less than enthralled with it. It's a hard piece. And some weird spirit of mediocrity seems to have settled over everyone between the ages of 14 and 18 in my life right now: my brother, several of my students, and many of the kids in the choir I'm playing for. They just do not want to be bothered with the hard work of wrestling with something so demanding and coming out victorious. It's hard to watch. I so badly want to save the day... my inner self wants to push, push, push, inspire, inspire, inspire. But in reality I have no control. And I exhaust myself trying to get them where I want them to be. As their teacher and accompanist (and in the case of my brother, as his sister), I can only take them so far. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. That is what's hard for me to wrestle with.
And I often wonder if God feels that way about us, doing everything he can to get our attention -- to help us realize that he's the one we ultimately need, that nothing else will satisfy... that we shoot ourselves in the foot every single time we attempt to do things our way.
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. This whole past year and a half has been one big fat growing pain in the you-know-what. The entire year has been like (seriously)... same song, fifteenth verse. And what I've been painfully struggling with all this time in each of the different situations and scenarios I've found myself in are the answers to two huge questions: a. who loves me truly? and b. of those that love me truly, who do I have the freedom to love back with the same truth? And just when I think I get it figured out, something changes. And chances are, it's something huge. Like declining my candidacy at Wash U. Or starting a business in a new city. Or being in a relationship. Or being dumped unceremoniously out of that relationship. Or my parents getting divorced. Or Halley getting married. Or having to move... for the fourth time.
But you know, even after I figure out the answers to these questions, those answers only take me so far on the emotional journey. Those people -- the ones who love me truly that I can love back with the same truth -- they can only go with me so far. There comes a point where it's just me and Jesus. And, like my students and my brother and the kids at Lutheran High, sometimes I just do not have what it takes to face the hard work of wrestling.
All I can say is... thank God he did it for me.
Maybe more than anything, that's what Emmanuel means for me this Christmas. God with us... he did my wrestling for me.
Being a teacher myself, I used to struggle with the exact same nonchalance and unwillingness to fight for something you think is worth it. Until I realised I was forcing my views upon them and that however noble and spirited those views were, it couldn't work. Then I presented the same stuff differently, with perhaps less stress on my side, and more got to work and actually where I was driving them. Once they see a direction/aim, some teenagers have an epiphany. Having said this, you'll notice the use of 'more' and 'some'. You will not get the adhesion of the entire group (you might but I daresay it's rare), and you should seek perfection whilst not putting too much heart into it. Or near-perfection, knowing that sometimes we can be John Keatings and our class like the one in Dead Poets Society. Sometimes, and we'll have to be satisfied with it. This is, for me, the most difficult thing for a teacher, whatever subject is taught.
ReplyDeleteYou've enlivened my blog and given me much to think about, Rodolphe. Thank you so much for your recent comments.
ReplyDeleteAre you in the U.S.? Sometimes I wonder if it's just American kids or if it's all kids who live during this period in time. Just a consequence of our post-modern world that our kids have an indifference to authority and things that are meaningful? I can't say.
Do you have a blog? I would love to read what you're thinking about these days.
That was a quick response!
ReplyDeleteI am not in the US unfortunately. I was born - and had to go back to live in (long story) - France (I hope my revealing I am French isn't a source of disappointment ^_^'). I have taught in Ireland and Malaysia, I have friends who teach in London and I can tell you that so far kids are the same everywhere.
I don't know if I can take the fact that I have "given you much to think about" as a compliment...Too much food for thoughts make some people fat. Glad I had some sort of...impact anyway.
Blog's there: http://lemondederodolphe.blogspot.com/ I hope it won't be too boring or pretentious (yes, I also write stories in English...the best a French frog can muster).
Actually, you also have given me much to think about...which was related to me in many intricate, and subtle, ways.
I actually take it as a compliment. It was rather designed to be a witticism, but I fear it appears somewhat abrupt. Humour lost in translation. My apologies.
ReplyDeleteNo no, I just had to go teach. I was home for half the day and then had to leave. Your expression "too much food for thoughts make some people fat" is actually pretty accurate... perhaps not literally fat but emotionally fat, yes. I call it analysis paralysis :)
ReplyDeleteYour writing reminds me very much of Antoine de Saint-Exupery (aka sophisticated whimsy). I love it. Look forward to perusing more when I have more time. December is crazy for musicians... my apologies.