I know, I know. You read the title of this post and think to yourself, "Really Katie?? Again? Seriously, make it stop!!" Yes, well... today was a make-it-stop kind of day. Today I literally had one of those moments where I could have kicked myself... and I've been kicking myself ever since it happened. One of those moments where you want to forgive yourself, but you're just going to have to let some time pass before you feel ok again.
It was one of those moments where I should have known better. I was cornered by a woman who I've allowed myself to get into scrapes with before and with whom I should have been more on my guard. But I was tired and hungry... nearly dizzy with hunger because I hadn't eaten and we got into conversation and she just kept asking questions... leading questions, that is. Looking back, I feel like I was sitting there in a counseling session I hadn't paid for. And before I knew it, I was telling her things about my family and the family of a very dear friend of mine that I had no business mentioning. I could blame this woman for her lack of taste and appropriateness, but it was just as much my own fault for opening the damn vault to her. It makes me so sick to think about it. I don't think I said anything devastating... I hope I didn't, anyway. But I honestly don't remember much about the specifics, it all happened so fast. I so wish I had just kept my big fat trap shut. It happened at a party and I left within an hour of arriving when I could have easily stayed three or four. The whole episode was so unsettling, especially since I knew within a moment or two when I had gone too far. I began to feel claustrophobic and immediately went to my friend to tell her what had happened and how I had dishonored both of our families by talking about what was nobody else's business but our own. I think she must have been distracted by the atmosphere of the party because she shrugged it off, even though I still feel horrible about it. I only hope there was no permanent damage. It makes me angry to think about it... angry at that woman, and the situation, and myself for letting it get so out of hand. My only consolation is the knowledge that when things like this have happened before (because let's face it, this isn't the first time), they usually aren't as bad as I think they are, and the Lord totally uses my guilt and misery over it to change my heart and my behavior for the better... for at least a little while. And I inevitably learn a little more about how to manage myself.
Growing pains. Yuck.
It also makes me sick to think about it because even though my family and I have really struggled with each other recently and over the past year (whether they are aware of it in certain ways or not), they are truly wonderful. Yesterday my brother and I were out and about when my car battery died and my dad came to help us immediately, no questions asked. He came, he took the battery out, he took us to get a replacement, and then he took us back to the car to install it himself. And he was amazingly kind and patient throughout the whole thing. It was really the most beautiful experience.
And here I am, opening what should be a closed vault regarding familial issues to someone who doesn't know me and doesn't have any interest in me, aside from distant speculation and downright nosiness. Ugh, Katie... ! So not even pretty...
Jesus, please help me. Help me to rest in the knowledge that you have forgiven me already and that those I've wounded love me dearly and are ready to forgive me too. Help me to forgive myself and stop being miserable when it's already a thing of the past, as far as the east is from the west in your eyes.
Something I've really realized lately is that in addition to struggling to keep my mouth shut at certain times, I really suck when it comes to mercy. As in, it is truly a gift from the Lord when I am able to be merciful and compassionate towards someone. Especially if that someone is a loved one. ESPECIALLY if that someone is me. I am so hard on everyone around me, not excluding myself. And I could sit here and try to justify it by saying that it's because I've been through so much and had to overcome so much on my own, but really, it's just a nasty character flaw...
... and I really hate it. It needs to start improving immediately. As in, like yesterday...
No comments:
Post a Comment