desert life

It's been a while.  There are reasons for this, which I won't go into.  Nothing crazy, just felt like I needed some time away from the blog for a while, among other things.  I meant to post pictures of Yosemite, which Edwina and I visited during my last weekend in California.  And it was truly amazing.  All the things you ever hear about the park and all the pictures you ever see... well, they don't quite do it justice.  You just have to go there and see it for yourself.  They say that the glories of Europe are found in its old architectural structures -- castles, bridges, museums.  The glories of America are found in its national parks, of which Yosemite is a gem.  Someday I really will post pictures, but not today.

This morning I sit here, post early-morning walk, exploring the boundaries of human smell.  I've been in the same clothes for the past 48 hours with only a rinse-off shower yesterday morning, mainly because Saturday afternoon, after we packed up my brother and his stuff into my parents' cars, I made the snap decision to go early with Mom and Nick and stay in the hotel, rather than drive over myself the following morning.  If you're just tuning in, this weekend my baby brother went away to college.  So here it is Monday, and I'm still in the same clothes I was wearing Saturday morning.  I took nothing with me, other than the clothes I was wearing, my purse (which, granted has a fair amount of essentials, including my phone and the car charger, as well as the cold meds I'd been taking all this past week), my Nalgene, the box of tissues I've been carrying around for the past week, and the newspaper I'd bought Thursday that I'd left in my car.  And I was wearing my glasses, so I didn't have to worry about contacts.  I am so glad I went with them.  It made it a lot easier to say good-bye to my brother, having been part of the trip, as well as having taken a big roadtrip with him and my mom the previous weekend to Nebraska.  I think I also just see the reality of the fact that he's ready to be in college, which helps me let go a little easier.  It still hurts and I will still miss him.  But it turns out the anticipation was worse than the actual event.

What doesn't help is the fact that I said good-bye to my brother at the end of what turned out to be the longest week of the year thus far... maybe the longest week since the horrendous events of last summer.  I was sick all week with a cold given to me by my mom last weekend, had to take my car to the mechanic on Monday, got it back on Wednesday, paid $200 to have it fixed, only to accidentally rear-end some lady the next day, then said good-bye to some dear friends (the Griggs) who are moving to the UK in the next couple of weeks.  Then we took my brother to school.  Oh yeah, and then I experienced fresh disappointment over a guy who I thought might be the tiniest bit interested in me and turns out totally isn't, at least not from what I can tell... and I feel like I'm pretty intuitive when it comes to that.  We've all seen "He's Just Not That Into You...".  Let me tell you, I live it.  It's why I end up living in a cave most of the time.  It's just easier because then I don't have to deal with the frustration and disappointment of having even the tiniest hopes dashed by some guy who's "just not ready" or can't figure out what he wants.  My friend Jimmy says it's because I don't dress like I'm trying to compete for guys' attention.  He says that guys take one look at me and know they aren't going to get very far.  And he's absolutely right.  I have bigger and better things to worry about than whether or not I'm showing off enough of the girls, if you know what I mean.  I'm a professional, out to educate people in the arts and I don't need to do that.  Not to mention that I'm so over dating.  Either way, I'm a freakin' dime and I don't know what their problem is.  And then I came home last night to find that one of my roommates' drunk friends had slept in my bed over the weekend and left my room in total disarray.  I was beyond pissed.  It's a bloody miracle I didn't wake the whole house up.  It wouldn't surprise me if I actually did.

A couple of things occur to me this morning:  All week as this has been building up to be the perfect storm, I have kept asking the question "Why?"  What is this for?  I don't understand.  But you know, it's not really mine to ask why.  Who's to say why it's happening?  Who's to say how God is using it to shape me into the person he wants me to be?  Who's to say that it actually has anything to do with anything?  Sometimes shit just happens, and that's what you have to chalk it up to.  Because otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy.  I'm sure that somehow, cosmically in the universe, it all has something to do with something.  But I can't contemplate that.  It won't do me any good, nor will it make me feel any better to give myself some sense of false hope that it's because something good is about to happen.  All I can do is go through it as best I can, share the pain with those I trust, leave it behind, cling to the Savior, ask for his peace, and pray for better.

I have also realized that it's time to leave this house.  In addition to dating, I am so over living with boys I'm not related to or in love with.  It's time to go.  I don't know where I'm going or when but I will be leaving just as soon as I can get my act together.  In the meantime, I hope they both get the cold I've had all week.  And I hope the cough lingers for an additional two.

My friend Laura posted the following verse on her facebook the other day.  I've come back to it several times since then:  "But as for me, I will hope continually, and will praise Thee yet more and more. My mouth shall tell of Thy righteousness, and of Thy salvation all day long; For I do not know the sum of them." Ps. 71:14-15

It's a lot of loss.  And I feel really overwhelmed by it all, especially since it all came at once.  But when I think about this verse, I'm continually struck by its truth.  I've come to realize over the past couple of months that I'm living in the middle of a freakin' desert at this point in my life right now (and have been for a while).  And desert life is so hard.  

But I will choose to hope continually... for I do not know the sum of them.