three boys

A quick post this morning.  I'm giving myself five minutes to write because I just need to.  I've been really out of touch with myself lately, mostly because I've been stressed out beyond all measure.  And of course, when you're in a hard spot, everything is painful... even things that shouldn't be painful, purely by default of where you're at alone.

I'm currently in the process of getting out of my house.  After this weekend, I'll be living with three boys.  That's right.  Three.  My female roommate is moving out and "Ben the new roommate" is moving in.  I'll spare you the gory details but the other morning when I found a beer can in the bathroom, my initial thought was, "Ughhh! Gross!!!" followed by the next thought of "I have got to get out of here..."

Underneath that layer is the far more painful one of knowing why I'm in this situation in the first place i.e. still not having found the right person, married successfully, and settled down.  Now that I write that out, it looks completely ridiculous, and yet it is still an ache in my gut that I have to address daily and talk/pray myself through, one hour at a time.

And of course (albeit TMI), my fissure has opened up again due to all the stress I've been under.  Cool.  

I absolutely hate this.  I hate being the one who "needs lots of prayers."  I want to be the happy, self-sufficient one who no one has to worry about.  I want to be the one who can handle my issues, even when they're big ones.  Pretty sure that's why I've been out of touch with myself lately.  Every time I look inside myself, all I see is pain and heartache and I'm tired of dealing with it.

Sometimes the wrestling is too much... I mean, what do you pray when you're that overwhelmed?  Dear God, I cannot deal with myself or my issues right now.  Please change something.