Seriously??
But yesterday was near perfect. Temperature finally peaked in the mid-50s around 2 pm yesterday, just in time for an impromptu walk in Forest Park. I had about an hour to kill before I met my friend Julie and I have to say, that walk was one of the best things that happened to me all week. I walked, I breathed in the spring air, I broke a sweat walking up Art Hill, and then I sat in the sun and watched the ducks. Delightful.
And then this...
... but I digress.
Anyway, after my walk I had coffee with my friend Julie, who I met in college and saw a couple of times the first few months I was in St. Louis a few years back, but then lost track of until a few months ago when our campus ministry from Mizzou had an alumni night at the Schlafly brewery. Holy cow we hadn't talked in almost two years. She didn't know anything about Mom and Dad's divorce or me moving 5,000 times or about anything that's happened since January 2011. After the alumni night, we started meeting for coffee again about once every two weeks and I had forgotten until then how much we have in common. Some would say she does freelance design on the side, but if you want to know the truth, in my book she is a freelance designer with a real job on the side. She very much understands what it's like to be an artist, mainly because she is one at heart. And what she had to say to me yesterday is worth repeating because 1. I desperately needed to hear it and 2. I want to be able to come back to it at some point in the future.
Besides being an artist, another thing Julie and I have in common is our anxiety over (well... everything really, but especially) the issue of dating. She recently started dating again and so as we've been meeting, I've been walking through this current relationship with her and hearing about her less-than-conventional dating process, at least when it comes to the way most Christians typically date. The guy she's been seeing is a non-Christian and yesterday she told me about how through a number of conversations and just him processing life, he's basically become a Christian over the course of the past three months. What makes it even crazier is that prior to this she and I were both on the same page with regard to dating: cynical about men (especially Christian guys our age) and whether it was worth it to date them and skeptical of ever finding the right person period...
I wish you could've been a mouse in my pocket, Reader. I wish you could've heard our conversation. Because it in fact gave me hope during a time when I have been struggling with all of this... struggling for a long time with it, to be honest, and struggling in particular this past week not to believe the stupid lies in my head: Literally, that I'm not a good pianist and that I'm never going to find the right person. My friend Sherdonna (who's a songwriter) calls them "the tapes" -- you know, the tapes that play in your head that tell you how much you suck? Yeah, those tapes. Maybe you don't have them. Lucky you. Here me now, world: sometimes it really sucks to be an adult artist. Those damn tapes just don't stop. The only hope I have of killing them at all is to be in my Bible every morning. And even then, some days they just play on and on and on... and on...
But again, I digress. I'm not here to talk to you about the tapes. Instead, I will give you snippets of yesterday's conversation, some paraphrased, some verbatim. After she told me all of what's been happening, I basically said to her something to the effect of this...
(me, laughing): "Julie! That's amazing! But you realize you're one of them now, don't you? You're totally one of those Christian girls with some crazy story of what God's done for you in your dating life... "
(Julie, laughing): "I know. But the crazier part is that it's true! You know, I used to be you. I was so there... I totally started getting used to the idea of being single my whole life: I was just gonna bypass marriage and then adopt when I was like 35 or 40. That was the back-up plan. And I have no idea if things with Chris will work out long-term or not. But I'm not anxious about it, which is just as crazy as him becoming a Christian. I didn't think it could happen: I didn't think I was ever going to date someone normal... or that I could be normal during the process. And I don't know that I would advise myself to date a non-Christian if I were to do it again. But it happened and God has totally used it in both of our lives and it's been awesome and crazy to watch it happen right before my eyes."
. . .
(Julie): "Katie, people used to tell me this and I never believed them. But I want you to hear this and believe it: You are gorgeous. You are smart. You are HILARIOUS. You are super talented. And you have a good head on your shoulders. You are the complete package. And someday, somebody's finally going to realize that and make the investment. And it may not be on your time-table. And you can't expect it to happen. But all that stuff about it happening when you're not looking for it and about being the right person in order for the right person to find you is bullshit. I'm always looking and I wasn't ever doing anything "right" according to the Christian standards of dating. And [forget] what society says about when you should be getting married. And [forget] what your body says about when you should be having kids. It doesn't matter. You can't compare yourself to anyone else because ultimately it's just you and God in this and that's what matters..."
... [except she didn't say "forget"] ...
We talked for two hours straight. And I so needed to hear what she had to say... because I needed to hear it from one of my own -- someone who's right there with me, has been where I'm at, struggled with the same things that I have (displacement, restlessness, skepticism, cynicism), and had something amazing done for them so that they could believe in the truth and beauty of life and the gospel again. Because when you're given grace, it changes you. And the process is hard... like stupid hard. And I can tell just from talking to her that Chris is tangible evidence of the grace of God in Julie's life. Quite literally. And her story is evidence of the grace of God in my life. Because sometimes you just need to know that someone else gets it. Pretty amazing if you think about it.
And maybe it doesn't impact you the way it impacts me. But that's probably because you don't know her. Or maybe you're just in a different place in life. And that's ok.
Last night, Julie went home and typed a big prayer into her online journal for me. Her counselor tells her not to be afraid to pray big prayers. I'm glad she's praying it because I don't even know where to begin. But I suppose if she can pray it, then I can too...
I guess that's why we have the body of Christ.
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