Here we are mid-way through my fifth week of my first semester. Hard to believe I'm a third of the way through the first semester, but there it is.
There is lots to tell: about how I should not be blogging, about how I should be starting my adult method reviews instead, how I'm learning a lot, how different it is the second time around, how my basic life rhythm consists of class/rehearsals/teaching, practicing, homework, sleeping/eating, and boyfriend... about how I'm re-learning the definitions of "management" and "pacing." It's been an interesting transition.
This week was the first week that I didn't feel like crying at odd times for a variety of reasons... also something to do with the crazy stress I was under earlier this month, as well as time lost to various circumstances. For those of you who wondered how the issue with the landlord turned out: we compromised. And then it made me sick to my stomach for about a week when I realized that we are part of the gentrification problem in St. Louis. We blew our chance to blow the whistle and we only protected ourselves. We did not help the larger situation in this town and I'm sorry to admit it. Alas, I cannot be involved in a multi-year litigation issue, not while I'm in school. So we negotiated a one-week renovation period in late October with definite start and end dates at no cost to us where we basically get an almost-completely new apartment for the remainder of our lease (6 months) for free. Funny how things start looking your way when you mention the words "lawyer" and "what you're trying to do is illegal". Jacob has since decided that if I can't be persuaded to head to the Ukraine or the Middle East to negotiate peace talks, I'm definitely buying his next car for him. "Because," as he says, "you'd go in there with five dollars and walk out with a brand new vehicle."
It's true. But I'm telling you, it took about a year off my life.
By far the biggest change (as foretold by Dr. Budds weeks before the semester started) has been my transition back to being a student. But not in the way I thought... not at all. For one thing, while I was in undergrad, I might as well have been Superman. I had everything timed down to the minute. I could get an incredible amount of stuff done in 10 minutes. And I basically lived that way all the time. It was crazy. Seriously: it was crazy. And I am by no means old, but this pianist isn't the same spring chicken she used to be. I still get a lot done, but I definitely have to plan more. There is so much less room to fly by the seat of my pants, partly because I just can't, but also partly because the work load is so much more intense. This past week (Wednesday to Wednesday) was the first time since the start of the semester that I was able to pace my homework and practicing without putting in multiple 12-14 hour days in a row. Those weeks where I lost time due to one thing or another were valuable lessons in that regard... painful, but valuable.
The other thing I have realized in my transition back to student-hood is that I am actually a student. Seems silly to say so, but it's true. In my pedagogy class, we are currently studying how to teach adult beginning piano students (and adults in general). Holy cow, I could not be a more perfect example! For the past four years I have not only been self-regulating, but regulating others as I teach them the intricacies of my instrument. And not only am I realizing that once again am I a student, but that there is a serious process that comes with that role. Sometimes that means being ok with where my pieces are (i.e. not perfect or performance ready or even where I want them to be) when it's time to head to lesson. Sometimes I can't get my rotation sections to work the way I want them to (despite having put in hours of practice trying to get the coordination to come together) much less have the rest of the piece up to my personal standards of playability. Sometimes this process means remembering that I'm here to enjoy my work, rather than be driven by it. Sometimes it means I need to relax (period... in life...) so I can play with less tension. Sometimes it means I need to go to bed or get up earlier so I can do a little yoga to help loosen me up... or do the theory assignment I put off til the last minute. Always it means that this thing, this motor skill I'm attempting to develop at a level I've never attempted before... it is hard and unforgiving. Because motor skills do not come easily and the music lays our shortcomings bare. Always it means I need to let my art be what it is, where it is, in connection to where I'm at with it in the process... and not be so hard on myself while doing so. Always it means giving grace to myself in the same way I would my own students.
And you know, I've got some really great people (who care about me a ton!) helping me along the way. I seriously couldn't be more thankful for them. Not only that, I have a lot of really great support through my student families, as well as the choirs I accompany for. I posted earlier this week on Facebook that I have the best student families in the universe: they ask how things are going and they genuinely want to know. One mom last week packed 2-3 meals worth of amazing produce and gluten-free food for me after her son's lesson, telling me she knows how hard it is to eat while in school. I seriously could have cried. I am so certainly loved.
So all in all, it's good. It's one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do, but it's good.
Andragogy: the study of how to teach adults... to be students again (ellipsis added)
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