the system

This morning was one of those days when you put a lot of effort into something, hoping there will be a return in the future... but no guarantees.  This used to happen to me every now and then during undergrad.  For instance, I would spend half a day filling out an application for a scholarship or run all over campus doing administrative junk in the hopes of churning out one of three things: a. money, b. services for whatever or whomever I was trying to help (if not myself), or c. information.  These situations always suck, they are never fun, and in the end you usually feel defeated, having received nothing immediately in return for your hard efforts. They are always a hassle and usually a gamble at that. Alas, a necessary evil...

What I'm going to talk about in this post will be very real and downright authentic.  If you are potentially adverse to taboo subjects or if you are perhaps uncomfortable reading about things less genteel or language of a certain nature, you should stop reading here.  I will do my best to write gracefully, but what happened this morning is worth repeating because it bears witness to larger issues in our culture right now that need to be dealt with by someone bigger than me who has more power and a gracious heart.  I hope in some small way my story helps someone else reap a benefit later on.

What happened is this:  my roommate Halley, who is a gem of a human being and one of the most caring nurses I've ever met ever tried to get me into her clinic this morning for a women's health appointment.  I haven't had a regular doctor in years.  Literally, years.  I'm a healthy, happy, self-employed 25-yr-old and when necessary, I see my counselor or buy some OTCs.  That's about the extent of it.  I don't have health insurance because I simply don't have the money for it.  I make next to nothing in the name of arts education and my money is better spent buying groceries and gas and paying rent rather than sending it in to an insurance company on a regular basis so I can have the option to pay an additional $40 to see a doctor or perhaps a $2500 deductible (or more!) in the event of an emergency.  I hardly ever see a doctor because I take care of myself (for the most part) and trust the Lord to provide what I really need, when I really need it.  It's a faith walk, yes, but people have been living for hundreds of years without health insurance and maybe they didn't live into their mid-90's but all I have to say to that is this:  Come quickly, Lord Jesus.  Take me home whenever. 

But I have yet to take care of the womanly issue.  I've never seen the necessity of it since I'm not sexually active.  But 25 is pretty old to have never seen anyone about this issue and after months of conversation about everything involved (fears, reasons not to, lack of insurance, etc), Halley assured me that I could probably be seen at the clinic she works at for a nominal fee or possibly nothing, since I don't have insurance and could probably apply for Medicaid through the clinic and be covered.  I shuddered at the thought of being admitted into the system but when you need something, you ask for help if you can't do it yourself.  So you do what you have to do.  I laid my fears aside and made the appointment.

Sounds nice, right?

What happened instead basically amounted to a clusterbleeck.  By that I mean it was a series of unfortunate events in which I felt completely defeated by the system yet again, when I am in fact one of those people who genuinely need its help and don't have a sense of entitlement about it.  I was raised by a member of the vast right-wing conspiracy.  My dad danced in the street when he found out I voted Republican after I turned 18.  I'm not a supporter of big government, but neither am I ok with what we have now.  I've come to believe that Biblical Christians... real Biblical Christians politically walk somewhere in the middle, cheering for the things Jesus heartily said yes to (like caring for orphans and widows and being good stewards of creation) and despising the things he despised (like turning churches into places of business or self-righteousness that leads to judgment of others).  It's a messy line, gray and not always clear.  I don't walk it perfectly and the out-workings of the line in the larger culture are even messier, as is evident by today's story...

I went to the clinic.  I was running a little late, as usual, but nothing ridiculous.  Halley had called me earlier in the morning to tell me she'd spoken with the women's health assistant and had tried to make sure that they waived whatever co-pay would be asked for so that I could apply for Medicaid and get it backdated.

That is not what happened.  I filled out all the necessary paperwork (side note:  I hate paperwork.  I hate signing my life away and giving out my social so that everyone and their brother has access to my financial and personal information just so I can see a bleeping health professional.  I think it's utterly ridiculous).  And then they asked me for a $111 co-pay.  Wait, what?... are you kidding me?  I thought this was a government clinic... $111 is your co-pay??  So instead I said something civil like, "My roommate is one of the nurses here... I thought she'd spoken with someone earlier about my appointment.  Can you possibly page her please?"

Long story short, Halley did get paged.  And it was still a disaster.  Turns out you have to apply for Medicaid separately from the appointment and if you're approved, they'll pay for everything.  But that's only if you're approved for full Medicaid.  If I'm only approved for women's health medicaid, it only covers pregnancy and STD's.  Oh yeah... and it takes 45 days to go into effect.  You can backdate it if you're approved for the things you're seen about during the waiting period.  Otherwise you're on your own bill.  And you have to pay today.  And there's no way Halley could've known this... she doesn't work in billing.  And I haven't been to a doctor in forever.  $111 to make sure I don't have abnormal cells.  Or $50 today and the rest billed later.  Your choice.

It's horrible.  I chose not.

And it goes back to something Jonathan used to say all the time, which I'm coming to believe more and more, although without the same sort of cynicism he used to say it with:  "In America, we reward bad behavior."

Which is true, if you think about it...

If you get pregnant on a yearly basis by a different baby daddy every time (or the same one... I mean, really, it doesn't matter to the system), you get free health insurance, no questions asked.  And it covers everything.  But if you're a smart, driven, self-employed, non-sexually active single who happens to do something that makes absolutely no money and you're lucky to be paying the few bills you do have, well... sorry.  Unfortunately we can't help you.  Because apparently you can help yourself.  Or so they think.  In America, the government gets to choose which of the poor and needy they help.  And they often choose to help people who don't make the wisest decisions.  Someone, somewhere out there with more power than me, please do your job and work to change this...

... and I suppose what I'm really longing for is Heaven.  We live in a fallen world where nothing will ever be as it should.  So we deal with the mess in the meantime.

The worst part of the morning was that I missed my Bible study for this.  I usually have it on Friday mornings and I can't tell you how badly I need to meet with those women on a weekly basis to be in the word and discuss it in a meaningful way.  It keeps me out of my counselor's office.  But this was one of the only free mornings that I didn't have to be in rehearsal when the women's health nurse practitioner would be there.  That's right, not a physician, a practitioner.

I am not a politician.  I don't claim to be, nor do I ever want to be.  But today I felt the full force of the system and all the politics that go with it.  It was not fun and the system we have sucks.  And yes, I'm going to go back and apply for Medicaid because very simply, it's like my mother says:  You do what you have to do.  I have an appointment to meet with the Medicaid officer Tuesday.  Another morning to be lost, if you ask me.  But we'll see what happens.

It's like I said in my previous post:  something has to change, both globally and personally.  I realized this week that the most I will ever make with the degree I have in my field is about $20k / year.  I'm 25 and I've maxed out my income bracket.

Something has to change.  Lord, help me make wise decisions...