10:38

Random thoughts floating through my head at 9:58 pm on a rainy Tuesday evening:

- I am le tired.  So tired.  Today was a long day and I didn't stop much or even eat much til about 7 pm.
- I have about a bazillion tabs open in my browser right now... too many to keep track of.  But I don't want to close any of them because there's a reason each one of them is open, if I can only remember what each one is.
- Likewise my apartment is a mess right now.  Tomorrow I hope to clean it, but my free days get eaten up with all the catch-up I have to do on my days off.  It's ridiculous.  Makes me shudder to think of what Feb-May will be like if it's like this now...
- I hope my husband someday likes sports.  And not too much, but just enough to make it fun, like I do.  Because Mizzou's joining the SEC and the Cards are now in the midst of finding a new manager.  And it would really suck to be married to someone who just didn't care... or didn't want to care... or didn't even understand what it's like to care about something important to you.  And not that I'm a crazy fanatic.  I have my life under control when it comes to sports.  But I hope he's the same way.  It needs to be equal.
- It's very odd to me that I hope he likes sports and yet I don't expect him to understand my career at all.  I think it's something I've come to terms with:  most men will not understand my career and therefore, I don't expect to connect with them in that way, ever.
- ... this is good.  Because it means that maybe, just maybe I've finally become like my friend Stuart, who is my good friend from when we were in the music school at Mizzou together my last year of undergrad.  Stuart is by no means defined by his music.  He and Courtney's relationship [um... yes, I set them up.  Because I'm awesome at setting people up...] is based completely on everything BUT his career.  This is important.  I think a lot of musicians expect to find other musicians to be in relationship with.  And sometimes this works, but a lot of times it doesn't.  I think for a long time I wanted to understand how this would/should work in my life and thought I understood it but actually didn't until recently.  Most men will never understand my career.  They'll ask all sorts of questions about it and be totally intrigued, but fundamentally, my career will be to them what sports are to most women:  they just won't see the point.

Other thoughts...
- I saw my grandparents this weekend.  I need to see them more often.  It was such a sweet visit.  They are an invaluable resource and I sometimes wish I wasn't an adult because I'm no longer able to take weeks out of my life at a time to go and be with them.  It sucks.  Thanks for having me this past weekend, Grandma.  I love you and Grandpa both so much.  The pears are delicious, by the way.  I have this amazing toscano cheese (think mozzarella meets parmesan) that's sprinkled with cinnamon which pairs with them divinely.  I fully expect to take a few more with me when we come up for Thanksgiving, please and thank you, of course :)
- I think I've found a place to live.  It better happen soon, is all I can say.  My landlord posted the "Apartment for Rent" sign on my door today.  Awesome.  Nothing like a swift kick in the tush.  But there's a place out in West County that I will probably move into the weekend after Thanksgiving, barring all catastrophe between now and then.  Two guys and a girl live there now and well... it'll be interesting.  I only lived with a guy who wasn't my dad or my brother once in college -- my friend Christine's husband, who at the time, was still her boyfriend, who lived by himself and got in a huge car wreck and ended up staying with us girls so Christine could take care of him.  I doubt this will be anything like that.  But these guys will just be roommates.  I fully envision brother-sister-like relationships developing.... maybe, I hope??  My mom keeps asking me if this is just something my generation does now.  I guess??  But these people seem normal and quite honestly, I'd rather live with a couple of guys than a couple of girls.  I was so over the high drama of living with girls my last year of college.  There were FIVE of us living on our side of the duplex.  It was too much.  Stuart was one of the few people who kept me sane, especially that last semester.  It's good to have a friend who takes you out to lunch and asks you about your life goals and then tells you that there's no way you're gonna BS your way through a conversation about life goals and instead gives you a week-long assignment to go home and think about your life goals every night before you fall asleep instead of thinking about everything you have to do the next day (yes, I was one of those people while in school... it was a little ridiculous.  I was in fact a machine... it's one of the reasons I emphasize this to my students so much now -- that they are not machines, but rather human children and I wouldn't want them any other way aside from their lovely, imperfect selves).  Anyway, Stuart was my life coach for that season of time and I miss him a lot.  But he's happily settled now in Mobile with Courtney.  They'll be married this coming March.  Because that's how awesome of a matchmaker I am... the girl who's not interested in being set up herself... she's the one who sets everyone else up :)
- I miss Dr. Budds.  I need to go see him and Dr. Mabary again soon as well... or at least call.

Also...
- On my way up to my grandparents, I realized I have two major flaws:  my indecisiveness, and some very big and very real commitment issues.
- ... which is probably the reason I set everyone else up.
- It is now 10:38.  And because I am le tired, I am now going to make myself a cup of tea or hot chocolate and go to bed, thinking about all the stuff I have to get done tomorrow...