Tonight I had the pleasure of going out with one of my dear girlfriends... to be more specific, a fellow single friend. We had a lovely time. These days I almost always have a lovely time when I go out, since I never do so anymore. But as we were getting ready to leave the conversation turned more serious... specifically to the issue of belonging, especially when you're a single woman over a certain age. Sometimes I have just the right thing to say about some issues. Tonight I did not. But I thought a lot about what she said on the way home. And if I were to write her a note explaining what I thought about, it would go something like this (probably complete with bullet points, since I'm still organizing my thoughts):
1. I so get it. And yet I don't. And that, my sweet friend, is the overarching point I'm going to make here...
2. After you reach a certain age / point as a single person, it's hard to feel like you belong to anyone or anything or anywhere anymore. You don't really belong with your family. You don't belong with your students. You don't belong with your friends, even if they seem closer than family. You're your own entity, not cleaved with anyone but yourself. And Christ.
3. And that is the point. And it's not like you're looking to be a nun or go into celibacy for the rest of your life. This isn't like that.
4. It's because for some weird (and painful) reason that you don't understand, you're better off with him and him alone than anyone else right now. And only he knows how long right now should and will be.
5. And nobody else gets it.
6. And not that I have it all figured out by any stretch of the imagination, but it seems to me that that is also the point. Nobody else is ever going to get it completely. They might come close... damn close. But no one person is ever going to get it (it being all that encompasses the definition of you) on this side of glory. People are people. It's too much to expect one person to understand everything, even when you're happily and wonderfully settled in a state of marital bliss. At best, you'll be lucky to have someone who understands 90% or more. At worst, you'll be with someone who ignores you completely because they don't understand you at all... or understands and refuses to enter in. Not sure which is more painful. The average seems to be that you'll find different realms of understanding amongst a variety of people who love you, even when you're married.
7. The only one who will ever completely get it on both sides of eternity... is Christ. Not even you, because we both know that there are things about ourselves that we don't understand. These you just grapple with, try to understand as best you can, be aware of your weaknesses, embrace them, and move on.
8. From what I can tell, it's the only hope you have for happiness at all whatsoever in this lifetime... is to cling to the one who actually does understand you and says you belong to him...
9. Dr. B always used to say that we have to validate ourselves, which I find to be mostly true, although harder I think, if you don't know the Lord. But yes, you validate yourself as best you can. But mostly you find your validation in Christ. Because he's the only one with anything to say about who or what you are that has any kind of weight or substance in the light of eternity.
10. Oscar Wilde once said that "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." In my experience, limited as it is, and for what it's worth... the only way you're going to find any life worth living -- the kind that goes beyond mere existence -- is in Christ.
Hang in there, my dear friend. Fight through it. You can't do it yourself. You just have to want it... it being life in him. And the Bible says that even the desire... well, he'll give that to you too.
I would also add this: there is a kind of Christianity that is endless. It's made up of a lot of... well, crap for lack of a better word. But that's not what Jesus was offering when he said that if we drank from him, living waters would spring up from within us. His Christianity is made up of you, being desperate... over and over again, coming to him with nothing, believing that you aren't going to get what you need from anyone or anything else. You know you don't belong. But he says you do. And that's all that matters. He is your home.
No comments:
Post a Comment