My mom informs me that my grandma doesn't think I post enough details on my blog about anything. For better or worse, today's post is for you, Grandma:
We are so, so, soooo close to the end. I am exhausted, not necessarily from things done today or yesterday or the day before that, but from the semester in general. And when I get to this point, I do not deal very gracefully with myself. I am far from perfect and there are days when I feel it quite intensely about myself. And it drives me insane. And in the process of driving myself insane, I usually drive everyone around me insane without meaning to, unless I keep it in. And then I inevitably have a meltdown of some kind. And if I happen to be by myself when this meltdown occurs, I will usually have a second one later when I'm with someone else. Misery (even if primarily triggered by exhaustion) loves company.
I am so proud of my students. They've done marvelously this year. They too, are badly in need of a break though. Each lesson finds them funnier and loopier, and yet closer and closer to the point of meltdown just like their sweet teacher. It's time we all got off the ship.
And I keep thinking that I just need to be alone, which is true to some extent. But I've been alone a lot this semester and the truth is, I miss my friends... or what I thought were my friends six months ago anyway. I feel the number of people who inherently understand me and actually care to dwindle more and more as the months go by, which is a hard thought to face. I don't necessarily think it's actually true, but it sure feels that way at the moment. I've been living in a cave and few people have bothered to stop by. I don't blame them, but as introverted as I may be, I am not an island. As Dr. B says, "It all has to do with expectations..." Le sigh.
And then there are days when it's not enough that you're forced to face your own imperfections and limitations, but society seems like it's ready to pounce on you with anything and everything that will inevitably overwhelm you. Just today I read an article about the 10 worst food ingredients you should avoid like the plague. And it's true. MSG and Splenda and rBGH and BHA (and of all things I didn't realize, Agave... who knew??) are so bad for you. But when you're struggling to feel like anyone out there cares because 1. you either haven't seen them in months, or 2. they're all married and having babies now, or 3. both, the last thing you need is to find out is that in addition to gluten, you really shouldn't be eating anything else either. Pretty soon the only thing I'll be able to eat is grass... or so my sister tells me.
So I'm literally a starving artist who lives in a cave.
I shouldn't take it personally. It's just life. We all go through periods of exhaustion and isolation. And no amount of coffee or distractions can take it away. Even my pup is tired of cuddling with me. She can only take a certain amount of cooing and sighing before she walks away and gives me the "I'm good, thanks" look.
It's a little much. It's actually pretty overwhelming. Today is an overwhelming day...
... today is a whiny day, let's be honest. And it has to come out somehow.
I don't know how people do it. I completely understand now why Dr. Budds always tells me he "doesn't like to suffer in silence." I so get that. He also says that "Life is a series of adjustments" and today I am not adjusting very well... mostly to myself. And the truth is, life is just hard some days, without much explanation why. There will be better days to come, I know. Just today is hard. And eventually I will learn how to build bridges and get over days like these... speed bumps, I guess you could call them. Comforting on some level that there's a learning curve and grace in the process.
There's a saying among musicians (a quote by the famous trumpeter Vincent Chicowicz): "The battle isn't with the instrument, it is with ourselves." So, so true... and not just in music.
Anyway I look forward to seeing you and Grandpa this weekend at Nick's graduation. Thanks for reading and be safe driving down here. See you soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment