I'm a huge fan of puzzles. And I'm not talking your average 12-piece Dora the Explorer ages 2 and up puzzles. I personally prefer something more in the range of 250-500 pieces. Because anything less is too easy and anything more is just ridiculous. I had half a mind this morning to drive out to my parents house to pick up one of theirs, since they seem to have a plethora of random puzzles given to them by a client several Christmases ago. But then I realized that driving 50 miles to pick up a puzzle seemed a bit extreme...
The reason for all of this though, is because this morning during my quiet time, I suddenly saw my life as a puzzle. There have been so many pieces that have come along throughout the years that I have thought something to the metaphorical effect of, "Ooooh! I know exactly where that one goes!!" and then have subsequently tried to jam that piece (whether it be a person, a situation, or a line of thought) into the spot I have ready for it, thinking the entire time, "If I can just put this piece here, everything will make so much more sense and then I'll be set and ready to go on, my life in perfect order... my puzzle figured out."
There are a couple of problems with this line of thinking, the first being that the puzzle will never be figured out... it's all an illusion. The enemy wants us to think that at some point in this life, our puzzles will be completely figured out and then we'll not only be filled with the knowledge of completed puzzles, but we'll also be completely happy and fulfilled because our puzzles will be in perfect order, sitting on the kitchen table for all to admire... which just isn't true at all... this is the same thinking that made Adam and Eve stumble in the Garden, longing to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge, of good and evil. And the Bible clearly says that no one can understand the mind of the Lord: His ways are higher than ours. Nevertheless our hearts long for the day when all understanding will be revealed, a longing that is completely understandable and expected, given that we were created this way... longing for Eden, longing for understanding, longing for fulfillment, for a perfect relationship with... someone, namely the Father. We only catch glimpses of them here on this earth... even as Christians with the presence of God given to us at all times through the Holy Spirit, we weep our way into eternity because we live in a fallen world. Alas, these things are lost and will not come into their fullness again until we walk with Him in eternity.
The second problem with the thoughts that often pervade the Land of the Puzzle Worldview is that there are so many times when we just want to cram pieces together that aren't supposed to go together at all. Rather than taking our pieces to the Lord and asking him if this is where that one goes or inviting him to help us figure out where to put the odd-shaped one, we say, "I know this is where this piece goes, God, and I sure hope you feel the same way because like it or not, I'm going to make this thing fit together... because this is the way I want it." Can I just say from experience that jammed puzzle pieces never work out the way you want them to or think they should? Never. It's just another illusion. You think that you ultimately know what can make you happy and how to achieve it, and to some extent that is true... like when you just absolutely know that the only thing to satisfy that PMS craving is ice cream. God has certainly given us a brain to figure out things in our everyday lives.
But as far as the big questions in life, there's really only one thing that fills the longing in our hearts and that's a relationship with him. If your walk with Him is truly a priority and you are seeking to live not superficially off the wisdom of others but deeply by the wisdom that comes through His word and the Holy Spirit in your heart, then the question of "How can I make these pieces fit together the way I want them to go?" suddenly disappears. You start asking questions like, "Hmm... God, is this the way you want these to go? Does this piece actually go over here rather than right here?" Interestingly enough, your desires are recalibrated, not more than they should be or less than they should be, but put in their right perspective. And then there's the element of surprise... the ride is only wild if you're not the one steering, which is definitely a hard thought to face in the midst of pain. But if we trust in a God who claims to be goodness itself, we can trust that the pain isn't just given out arbitrarily or because we've done something wrong, but because He loves and cares for us and desires our ultimate good. And as someone who's been through life surgery time and time again, I can honestly tell you from experience, Reader: We have a very gracious surgeon.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
twinklings
Fall has come to St. Louis, Reader. There's a nip in the air and the leaves are starting to change colors... it's one of my favorite times of year: the time when trail sandal season meets puffy vest season and the two overlap... cold enough to wear a puffy vest but still warm enough to wear sandals. And tonight I have the unequivocal gratitude of a roommate with a tummy full of baked oatmeal. Perfect. I just love the change of seasons, especially fall. If I could paste the findings of a leaf-hunt around the edges of my blog, I would.
The state of affairs these days in my corner of the universe are, in a word, bittersweet. So many wonderful things have happened here recently. For one thing, the acquisition of more students... I have almost a full studio once again. God is so good... when it rains, it pours: what was just a month ago maybe 5 or 6 students has now grown to 9 with the potential for 2 or 3 more. And accompanying for LHS is fantastic... the director there is an absolute gem. I thoroughly enjoy being pushed and sharpened by her musicianship and have marveled time and again at her ability to extend grace on a continual basis... so refreshing! I like to think that I (hopefully) deal with my own students in the same manner... or will someday at least. And the break from school? Some days I just can't see myself going back for at least a few more years. It never ceases to amaze me how much I didn't realize I needed the sabbatical. Six years... and on the seventh she rested, right?
And maybe it's because my friend Edwina's birthday was yesterday, but tonight I miss her dearly. I think about how she sits underneath the same sky roughly 2000 miles to the west of me, struggling with calculus-based microeconomics and grading undergraduate essays. I think about the email she sent telling me how this is the first adult birthday she's experienced... the kind that goes by without a lot of hoopla. I try and think about what I could send her and wish that I could catch falling stars and put hugs and tears and memories in envelopes and that they would arrive intact with the full weight of all their original meaning. I think about five years' worth of conversations and just living life together... saying goodbye is so hard. Dr. Budds always half-jokingly, half-seriously said that, "Life is a series of adjustments." Truer words were indeed never spoken...
And I think about my family and all that we're going through together. It is not a fun time for us these days... I won't say much other than the fact that we need your prayers. Seems like each member is struggling with some form of growing pains in their own way, thus making it ever more difficult to relate to each other in a loving manner. The more I read in James, the more I'm convinced of my own incompetency and folly in relationships... "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry..."
And in the back of my mind, I hear those words again... slow to become angry. A passage from yesterday's sermon emerges:
"The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, 'The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness...'"
... such a hard thing to live out. And its so overwhelming when you're trying and failing to live it out amidst difficult relationships in your life... and then you realize this has been shown to you daily by a God who's loved you since... well, the beginning of time.
Overhead the stars twinkle. I think about Edwina. I think about my family. The music I'm working on swirls around in my head, mulling over itself again and again: slow, mournful, and unresolved, just like my thoughts...
The state of affairs these days in my corner of the universe are, in a word, bittersweet. So many wonderful things have happened here recently. For one thing, the acquisition of more students... I have almost a full studio once again. God is so good... when it rains, it pours: what was just a month ago maybe 5 or 6 students has now grown to 9 with the potential for 2 or 3 more. And accompanying for LHS is fantastic... the director there is an absolute gem. I thoroughly enjoy being pushed and sharpened by her musicianship and have marveled time and again at her ability to extend grace on a continual basis... so refreshing! I like to think that I (hopefully) deal with my own students in the same manner... or will someday at least. And the break from school? Some days I just can't see myself going back for at least a few more years. It never ceases to amaze me how much I didn't realize I needed the sabbatical. Six years... and on the seventh she rested, right?
And maybe it's because my friend Edwina's birthday was yesterday, but tonight I miss her dearly. I think about how she sits underneath the same sky roughly 2000 miles to the west of me, struggling with calculus-based microeconomics and grading undergraduate essays. I think about the email she sent telling me how this is the first adult birthday she's experienced... the kind that goes by without a lot of hoopla. I try and think about what I could send her and wish that I could catch falling stars and put hugs and tears and memories in envelopes and that they would arrive intact with the full weight of all their original meaning. I think about five years' worth of conversations and just living life together... saying goodbye is so hard. Dr. Budds always half-jokingly, half-seriously said that, "Life is a series of adjustments." Truer words were indeed never spoken...
And I think about my family and all that we're going through together. It is not a fun time for us these days... I won't say much other than the fact that we need your prayers. Seems like each member is struggling with some form of growing pains in their own way, thus making it ever more difficult to relate to each other in a loving manner. The more I read in James, the more I'm convinced of my own incompetency and folly in relationships... "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry..."
And in the back of my mind, I hear those words again... slow to become angry. A passage from yesterday's sermon emerges:
"The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, 'The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness...'"
... such a hard thing to live out. And its so overwhelming when you're trying and failing to live it out amidst difficult relationships in your life... and then you realize this has been shown to you daily by a God who's loved you since... well, the beginning of time.
Overhead the stars twinkle. I think about Edwina. I think about my family. The music I'm working on swirls around in my head, mulling over itself again and again: slow, mournful, and unresolved, just like my thoughts...
Thursday, September 16, 2010
gypsies
It's shortly after noon on a beautiful Thursday. I'm still in my pajamas sitting out on the balcony of my Tower Grove apartment and the bells from the local churches have just rung. I have nothing planned for the day until 4:30 this afternoon when I have to teach piano to the adorable little girls I have on Thursdays. The day feels very European... late morning with a lazy agenda, pasta for lunch, mid-day church bells ringing, blogging from the balcony. The only thing that would make this more perfect would be a great cup of coffee sitting next to me. Alas, I've been flooding my system with water and juices due to the sinus infection I've been battling recently. I would otherwise be painting my mom's office in Old Monroe today but by the time I got back to the apartment last night, I could barely walk let alone drag myself to Schnucks to pick up some meds. So we both decided I should probably take the day to rest. This is what the change of seasons does to me and I hate it every time. Thank God I always manage to get rid of the ailment somehow before needing to see a doctor... unfortunately entrepreneurs don't always have the luxury of affordable health care.
Things have finally started to settle recently... and by settle I mean that all of the part-time work I lined up for this fall is finally gelling into some semblance of a routine. Or as much of a routine as a Bohemian lifestyle will allow :) And even though there's not a lot leftover, most of the bills are getting paid and I'm able to eat so that's what's important. And more importantly, I'm resting. I never realized I'd need the break from school as much as I do.
There have been a lot of things I've been thinking about lately... family stuff that's come up (or rather resurfaced) that I'm having to work through -- stuff from my past that affects the present as well as my future. It's a lot to take in and process but God is really, a very gracious surgeon. If this had all come up while I was in school or back when I was depressed, I really think it would have been too much. Most of it has to do with the relationship between myself and my dad and how that affects the way I relate to men in general... pretty delicate and complicated stuff so I won't go into details but I'm hopeful that one day my expectations for male-female relationships will be realistic and I'll be able to be more than just friends with another man. It's just another layer of finding myself and getting rid of the disillusionment in my heart that would be really difficult to do if I were in a relationship now. My counselor Lynn says it best: "Katie, you need to look for someone who isn't a savior, but who understands where you've been and can be an aid to you in the healing process." She is such a wise, wise woman. Maybe someday I'll let myself dream again about finding the right person rather than just dismissing the desire... there are a lot of things I feel like have been flaking off of me recently, such as the unrequited need to go to graduate school immediately, as well as perhaps the feeling that I'm perfectly fine on my own. Indeed, God is a gracious surgeon...
And I'm still looking for a church here in St. Louis. Can I just say that church-shopping is hard? It's hard. And it's all been complicated by the fact that I've been out of town the past few Sundays in a row. Feels very gypsy-ish to me. There's actually a lot of me that feels very gypsy-ish right now. My mom and others have said that it's just the age I'm in -- the twenties generally feel very unsettled. I have nothing to compare this to and no experience of my own so I'll just have to take their word for it. I also think it's sort of a cultural thing: more and more people my age are waiting longer and longer to settle down. Some form of risk-aversion investment... seems to be sort of the hip and trendy thing to be largely unattached to any place, person, or thing. But it comes with a price. Limbo is great until you're tired of being in the air. And is it weird that I'm unsure of whether I'm even tired of the limbo or not? I don't think I've ever felt so wishy-washy in all my life as I do these days... just generally unsure of everything. And some might say that it's really cheesy, but when nothing in your life seems to really make sense and you feel pretty directionless overall, I can only say this: that I am so thankful to have a source of truth and authority which continues to stand firm amidst my own fickle and doubting heart... maybe this is actually what adulthood is about.
"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord; they are double-minded and unstable in all they do." James 1:4-8
Things have finally started to settle recently... and by settle I mean that all of the part-time work I lined up for this fall is finally gelling into some semblance of a routine. Or as much of a routine as a Bohemian lifestyle will allow :) And even though there's not a lot leftover, most of the bills are getting paid and I'm able to eat so that's what's important. And more importantly, I'm resting. I never realized I'd need the break from school as much as I do.
There have been a lot of things I've been thinking about lately... family stuff that's come up (or rather resurfaced) that I'm having to work through -- stuff from my past that affects the present as well as my future. It's a lot to take in and process but God is really, a very gracious surgeon. If this had all come up while I was in school or back when I was depressed, I really think it would have been too much. Most of it has to do with the relationship between myself and my dad and how that affects the way I relate to men in general... pretty delicate and complicated stuff so I won't go into details but I'm hopeful that one day my expectations for male-female relationships will be realistic and I'll be able to be more than just friends with another man. It's just another layer of finding myself and getting rid of the disillusionment in my heart that would be really difficult to do if I were in a relationship now. My counselor Lynn says it best: "Katie, you need to look for someone who isn't a savior, but who understands where you've been and can be an aid to you in the healing process." She is such a wise, wise woman. Maybe someday I'll let myself dream again about finding the right person rather than just dismissing the desire... there are a lot of things I feel like have been flaking off of me recently, such as the unrequited need to go to graduate school immediately, as well as perhaps the feeling that I'm perfectly fine on my own. Indeed, God is a gracious surgeon...
And I'm still looking for a church here in St. Louis. Can I just say that church-shopping is hard? It's hard. And it's all been complicated by the fact that I've been out of town the past few Sundays in a row. Feels very gypsy-ish to me. There's actually a lot of me that feels very gypsy-ish right now. My mom and others have said that it's just the age I'm in -- the twenties generally feel very unsettled. I have nothing to compare this to and no experience of my own so I'll just have to take their word for it. I also think it's sort of a cultural thing: more and more people my age are waiting longer and longer to settle down. Some form of risk-aversion investment... seems to be sort of the hip and trendy thing to be largely unattached to any place, person, or thing. But it comes with a price. Limbo is great until you're tired of being in the air. And is it weird that I'm unsure of whether I'm even tired of the limbo or not? I don't think I've ever felt so wishy-washy in all my life as I do these days... just generally unsure of everything. And some might say that it's really cheesy, but when nothing in your life seems to really make sense and you feel pretty directionless overall, I can only say this: that I am so thankful to have a source of truth and authority which continues to stand firm amidst my own fickle and doubting heart... maybe this is actually what adulthood is about.
"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord; they are double-minded and unstable in all they do." James 1:4-8
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
tower grove
This morning, Reader, I write to you from the little balcony just off my room in my new Tower Grove apartment. This past weekend, I moved in with my college roommate / best friend and can I just say that I've slept better in the last 3 nights than I did the entire month I was living with my parents? I've been sleeping way better here. Maybe there's a connection, maybe there's not... I'm just sayin'...
This morning's topic? Transitions and how much they suck. There's no getting around it. They're just hard and you feel like there's no control and that you're just stabbing in the air, only to realize later that you are in fact making decisions out of anxiety, driving not only yourself but everyone else around you insane. And I am not one who can easily look at a seemingly hopeless situation, let it go for awhile, and come back to it with a fresh perspective. I used to be able to do that... when I was in the familiar and comfortable environment of school, consistently validated by my surroundings and goals. Out here in the wild, it's completely different... a whole new ballgame. And I'm still trying to survey the landscape.
But in the last month, I've also realized some pretty amazing things. For one thing, I can make it. I can do this life thing and I don't have to be in an academic institution or be married to feel secure about myself. In the process of throwing myself out there in a number of different directions, I've successfully acquired 5 new piano students and an accompanying gig for the choral program of a private high school. I signed the contract yesterday, a contract that will bring in roughly a quarter of my income for the year. And I have an interview with two more potential students tonight. God is so good.
The other important thing I feel like I maybe, sorta, kinda have started to learn is something else touched on in the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I've been a workaholic all my life... I learned it from the pro. It's not that I don't know how to rest. It's that I have to feel like I've earned it or be told that I can take it. Americans get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "Ok, now I will go take one." (Or they tell themselves that they need a break... only after they've worked themselves into a sickness). The Italians get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "I know. That's why I'm planning on taking one at noon." They call it dolce far niente: the sweetness of doing nothing. And when you're not in school and you're pasting part-time work together, there's a little more time for nothing. Sometimes you're forced to take it. I feel as if maybe, just maybe, the flakes of "need to, have to, gotta go, I can't" are starting to fall off. My roommate Halley is so good at this: the girl is a pro at doing nothing and not feeling like she had to earn the right to do it. So I'm glad I'm living with her again, especially now that I'm not in school. I think she will probably be a fantastic teacher. It's a new way of learning to love myself and I have to say, I'm not always quite sure what to do with it. But most of me just wants to embrace it.
This morning's topic? Transitions and how much they suck. There's no getting around it. They're just hard and you feel like there's no control and that you're just stabbing in the air, only to realize later that you are in fact making decisions out of anxiety, driving not only yourself but everyone else around you insane. And I am not one who can easily look at a seemingly hopeless situation, let it go for awhile, and come back to it with a fresh perspective. I used to be able to do that... when I was in the familiar and comfortable environment of school, consistently validated by my surroundings and goals. Out here in the wild, it's completely different... a whole new ballgame. And I'm still trying to survey the landscape.
But in the last month, I've also realized some pretty amazing things. For one thing, I can make it. I can do this life thing and I don't have to be in an academic institution or be married to feel secure about myself. In the process of throwing myself out there in a number of different directions, I've successfully acquired 5 new piano students and an accompanying gig for the choral program of a private high school. I signed the contract yesterday, a contract that will bring in roughly a quarter of my income for the year. And I have an interview with two more potential students tonight. God is so good.
The other important thing I feel like I maybe, sorta, kinda have started to learn is something else touched on in the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I've been a workaholic all my life... I learned it from the pro. It's not that I don't know how to rest. It's that I have to feel like I've earned it or be told that I can take it. Americans get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "Ok, now I will go take one." (Or they tell themselves that they need a break... only after they've worked themselves into a sickness). The Italians get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "I know. That's why I'm planning on taking one at noon." They call it dolce far niente: the sweetness of doing nothing. And when you're not in school and you're pasting part-time work together, there's a little more time for nothing. Sometimes you're forced to take it. I feel as if maybe, just maybe, the flakes of "need to, have to, gotta go, I can't" are starting to fall off. My roommate Halley is so good at this: the girl is a pro at doing nothing and not feeling like she had to earn the right to do it. So I'm glad I'm living with her again, especially now that I'm not in school. I think she will probably be a fantastic teacher. It's a new way of learning to love myself and I have to say, I'm not always quite sure what to do with it. But most of me just wants to embrace it.
Monday, August 16, 2010
the physics of the quest
I know, I know... it's only been 5 days since my last post. But seeing as how I'm a professional part-timer these days, I hope to be able to post more often. The move caused a lot of disruption in my life these past 2-3 weeks and since I'm desperate to get out of my parents' house, moving again may cause more chaos in the near future. So I'm left with one thought for myself on the subject: carpe diem, thou extemporaneous blogger.
And let me just tell you what it took to get myself here this morning. I woke up with two desires: coffee and blogging. The latter was easy enough to satisfy. The first... not so much. There was no coffee to be had in the house, and when I say no coffee, I mean no real coffee. My parents keep decaf on hand but decaf was not acceptable this morning. I'm telling you, sometimes it astonishes me what a human being will do to get a decent cup of coffee in their hands. The situation quickly escalated from a potential Starbucks drive-thru run in my nightie to realizing that I needed to get gas and the ultimate rationalization: a drive-thru doesn't solve the larger problem of no coffee in the house. Now that I'm living here with my parents, even if it's only for another month or so, lack of coffee is still an issue. Don't ask me why this issue wasn't addressed sooner... I think it's probably because I've been satisfying morning caffeine requirements with diet pepsi. Anyway, my original desire to wake up and have a cup of coffee while blogging turned into a ridiculous ordeal. So here I am, an hour and a half later, dressed and mostly ready for the day. Not what I thought I wanted to do with the morning, but still fairly happy nonetheless.
Speaking of this idea, I suppose I could say the same of where I'm at in life right now. Life is so funny that way. You just never know where you'll end up, especially if you're just sort of open to whatever God might have for you. This reminds me of the movie I recently saw with a girlfriend. The new Julia Roberts movie Eat, Pray, Love (based on the book by Elizabeth Gilbert) came out on Friday night and let me just tell you, reader, that if you enjoy a good chick flick and are willing to accept things on their own terms, you will love this movie. It's not your typical chick flick... it's definitely more of a journey flick. The entire premise of the movie can be summed up in the ingenue's short monologue towards the end, taken from the author's website:
"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest' -- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.' Or so I've come to believe. I can't help but believe it, given my experience."
Don't ask me why, but this is so beautiful to me. Maybe because I feel like this is all I ever do? Maybe because I feel like this is what Christians are called to do? Maybe because this is ultimately what we as human beings are supposed to do? Seek truth. Jeremiah 29:13 comes to mind... "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Having been on the journey for a few years now, it is really easy to feel like you're running in circles... that you're simply going nowhere, that you just run and run, chasing after whatever seems to be the right thing for you at the time.
It is my firm belief that human beings genuinely like the cattle drive (dare I say love it?) because it feels like you're headed somewhere meaningful, the point of arrival. And having turned down not one but two fantastic opportunities recently, it is really easy for me to feel like I'm all of sudden going nowhere. People keep asking me the question, "Where do you want to end up, Katie?" And I keep thinking about it in terms of where I want to be in the next year or so, or even five years from now. But the real answer is this -- which I think is universally true for all humans although it manifests itself in different forms -- I want to be content and happy. I want to have desperately sought out truth and found enough to satisfy me, but not enough to make me complacent. I want to be at home in the Lord, fulfilled and happy no matter what my circumstances. And I want to be able to love people and love myself without reservation. So I guess that's why I didn't need to go to school this year... prestigious universities tend to not be the best classrooms for these lessons.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you... and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:13-14a
And let me just tell you what it took to get myself here this morning. I woke up with two desires: coffee and blogging. The latter was easy enough to satisfy. The first... not so much. There was no coffee to be had in the house, and when I say no coffee, I mean no real coffee. My parents keep decaf on hand but decaf was not acceptable this morning. I'm telling you, sometimes it astonishes me what a human being will do to get a decent cup of coffee in their hands. The situation quickly escalated from a potential Starbucks drive-thru run in my nightie to realizing that I needed to get gas and the ultimate rationalization: a drive-thru doesn't solve the larger problem of no coffee in the house. Now that I'm living here with my parents, even if it's only for another month or so, lack of coffee is still an issue. Don't ask me why this issue wasn't addressed sooner... I think it's probably because I've been satisfying morning caffeine requirements with diet pepsi. Anyway, my original desire to wake up and have a cup of coffee while blogging turned into a ridiculous ordeal. So here I am, an hour and a half later, dressed and mostly ready for the day. Not what I thought I wanted to do with the morning, but still fairly happy nonetheless.
Speaking of this idea, I suppose I could say the same of where I'm at in life right now. Life is so funny that way. You just never know where you'll end up, especially if you're just sort of open to whatever God might have for you. This reminds me of the movie I recently saw with a girlfriend. The new Julia Roberts movie Eat, Pray, Love (based on the book by Elizabeth Gilbert) came out on Friday night and let me just tell you, reader, that if you enjoy a good chick flick and are willing to accept things on their own terms, you will love this movie. It's not your typical chick flick... it's definitely more of a journey flick. The entire premise of the movie can be summed up in the ingenue's short monologue towards the end, taken from the author's website:
"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest' -- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.' Or so I've come to believe. I can't help but believe it, given my experience."
Don't ask me why, but this is so beautiful to me. Maybe because I feel like this is all I ever do? Maybe because I feel like this is what Christians are called to do? Maybe because this is ultimately what we as human beings are supposed to do? Seek truth. Jeremiah 29:13 comes to mind... "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Having been on the journey for a few years now, it is really easy to feel like you're running in circles... that you're simply going nowhere, that you just run and run, chasing after whatever seems to be the right thing for you at the time.
It is my firm belief that human beings genuinely like the cattle drive (dare I say love it?) because it feels like you're headed somewhere meaningful, the point of arrival. And having turned down not one but two fantastic opportunities recently, it is really easy for me to feel like I'm all of sudden going nowhere. People keep asking me the question, "Where do you want to end up, Katie?" And I keep thinking about it in terms of where I want to be in the next year or so, or even five years from now. But the real answer is this -- which I think is universally true for all humans although it manifests itself in different forms -- I want to be content and happy. I want to have desperately sought out truth and found enough to satisfy me, but not enough to make me complacent. I want to be at home in the Lord, fulfilled and happy no matter what my circumstances. And I want to be able to love people and love myself without reservation. So I guess that's why I didn't need to go to school this year... prestigious universities tend to not be the best classrooms for these lessons.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you... and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:13-14a
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
doors
This morning I'm sitting in my friend Jill's apartment just outside of Kansas City. It's shortly after 9 am and I'm still in my pj's with... you guessed it: a cup of coffee sitting next to me. It's been nearly a month since I've posted, maybe longer. I could check but that would require effort. So much has happened since then, but I suppose that's how it goes when you average one post a month... :)
As it so happens, I am no longer attending Washington University this fall. Talk about a painful weekend: about three weeks ago, a bunch of fit hit the shan, so to speak, and the reality of student loans set in. MU does this wonderful thing called exit counseling for their student loan borrowers after they graduate and are about to start repayment. Needless to say, after calculating up the total borrowed for undergrad, realizing how much I'd have to borrow to go to Wash U ($10,000 + living expenses), thinking about my poor car which was having fuel pump problems that weekend and is on the verge of hitting the 100,000 mile mark after 18 years of faithful service in the world, and considering the reality of loan repayments after graduate school on a piano teacher's salary (let alone a normal person's salary)... even with the deal Wash U was giving me, it all just started to seem really foolish. Not to mention that we all know Katie is just a little bit on the edge of burnout anyway and could probably use the break from school. And my piano professor had always said that taking some time away from school wouldn't kill my career. She had also warned me to avoid any graduate music program that wouldn't pay for the whole shebang (tuition + an assistantship or a stipend), which I suppose is debateable but she makes a good point. So I'm in the process of figuring out what to do next...
... which brings me back to this morning: sitting in my friend Jill's apartment in Kansas City. As soon as I'm finished here, I will be getting ready to go meet her at Calvary Bible College to meet the faculty of the music and theater departments. It so happens that she is the secretary to both departments and, if she were staying this semester, would be the main piano teacher in their community music program as well as the principal accompanist for the chorales and the musical theatre endeavors of both departments. Unfortunately she and her husband are leaving mid-October since he's in the army and will be headed elsewhere for training. So it's an opportunity for me to potentially step in and take her place. I'm not sure that I'm deliriously excited about it, which I don't entirely understand why not other than to say that I'm pretty leary in general of things that could potentially be scary. And as wonderful as the opportunity sounds, it has a lot of potential to be scary: all of my friends and family are in St. Louis and moving here would mean striking out on my own, four hours away from everything and everyone I know and love, and not merely to go to school or do any type of ministry, but to work. I used to think I was brave but that prospect does not sound exciting. And maybe this is something important to consider: I'm seeing this as nothing but a job opportunity and I am exactly the sort of person who is not motivated solely by work or money... there has to be more there. It has to mean something to me. But I won't know if it means anything to me or not until I see the college and meet the faculty and see what I would be doing. So that's why I'm here: because I'll never know for sure until I actually investigate. I also know that what I'm about to say will sound really shallow, but anyone who's been raised in the St. Louis area will understand... I'm not sure that I want to move to... Kansas City of all places?? It's just a cultural thing. And it sounds stupid, but it is in fact valid.
But more than anything, I just want to know what I want and I want to know what God wants. I know what I want in five years. But I feel like I keep asking myself what I really want in the meantime. Because there are too many trade-offs right now. Either decision will require a number of sacrifices. But sacrifices are worth it if you know what you really want and can keep your eyes focused on those goals. So that's what I keep bringing before the Lord: God, you've brought me to this place. All of a sudden, my fall semester has magically cleared itself... where do you want me now? And what in the world do I want? And why do I always seem to have so much trouble figuring out what I want? My sister would say, "It's because you have anxiety." And I know she would be right, even if that wasn't the entire reason for all of my indecisiveness and restlessness...
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4
Thursday, July 8, 2010
growing pains
Today is a new day. Coffee in hand, I attempt to face the world with a smile again. I hate going to bed feeling disillusioned, which is exactly what happened last night. But I guess I should provide a brief update of all that's taken place since my last post, which, I'm sorry to say is a lot. I will try to be concise...
As it turns out, things did not work out with the boy as many people in my life were hoping they would. I had doubts all along as to whether I should be dating anyone at all and early in the relationship I had short-circuited because of this, only to try a second time to "give it a fair shot." Can I just take this opportunity to say that fair shots are a bunch of bullshit? They're not fair to either person in the relationship. Not to him, not to me. The poor guy ended up investing 2 months in something he had no control over only to find out that I had been doubting the X-factor all along. Needless to say, I learned a lot about myself and relationships and I pray that in time he will forgive me for the pain I caused him. But I also know that I did the most merciful thing I could in cutting it off sooner rather than later... sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is not to get involved with them. And sometimes the second best thing you can do for someone is to let them go if you know it's time.
But the thing that has really made me upset recently (as in the past 2-3 days) is the sale of the classical music radio station in St. Louis (Classic 99.1) to contemporary Christian radio JOY FM. I will spare you the details of the heartbreak I've gone through over this... I suppose I should've realized it was coming. But part of me was praying that something would go wrong... that the FCC wouldn't approve the sale of the station, that the board of executives in the Lutheran Church MO Synod who owned Classic 99 would have heard the outrage of the community and reneged on the sale, that JOY wouldn't have raised enough money to buy it out after all... something to prevent it from happening. I've listened to that station since 7th grade. I knew all the programs and scheduling as well as all the radio hosts. I used to play it continuously in my bedroom when I lived at home and then streamed it through my laptop when I went away to college. In the 12 years that I've been listening, I have learned to recognize as much repertoire as was taught to me through systematic study during my 5 years in the MU School of Music. I would not be the musician I am today without that station and I am so saddened to watch it go, and frustrated by the anger and bitterness in my own heart towards the Christian community in St. Louis for buying it as well as the board of executives at LCMS for selling it off. Thus my feelings of disillusionment when going to bed last night. Truly, I was weeping over the whole issue...
In addition to this, I'm facing the hassle and turmoil of a major move at the end of the month... aka: commence emotional fragility. I'm basically saying good-bye to 6 years of relationships here in Columbia. Not to mention the intimidation and fear I've been battling in realizing what lies ahead of me at Wash U (known around these parts as the Harvard of the Midwest). I pray the other grad students don't eat me for breakfast and wonder how in the world I got in. I also pray that despite the emminent death by piano that awaits me there, that I would be able to buck up against the pressure rather than crumble like I normally do. And I pray that amidst all the fear and emotional hardship of moving that I would find a number of good things... things that make it worthwhile. I know they will be there. I guess I pray that I would see them through the awaiting storm. I hate change... just ask my parents. I do not bear it well. On the contrary, I pretty much hunker down and face it with all the elegance of an emotionally-charged small child.
Amidst all of this, I'm reminded of the promises in the Psalms. Promises of help and a trustworthy God who upholds us. And this should be enough to get me through. But humans are sinful creatures and too often my emotions and fears get the better of me. So coffee in hand, I venture forth to do more battle with my charming and exceedingly difficult Schubert sonata. Because life is a process and today is a new day.
As it turns out, things did not work out with the boy as many people in my life were hoping they would. I had doubts all along as to whether I should be dating anyone at all and early in the relationship I had short-circuited because of this, only to try a second time to "give it a fair shot." Can I just take this opportunity to say that fair shots are a bunch of bullshit? They're not fair to either person in the relationship. Not to him, not to me. The poor guy ended up investing 2 months in something he had no control over only to find out that I had been doubting the X-factor all along. Needless to say, I learned a lot about myself and relationships and I pray that in time he will forgive me for the pain I caused him. But I also know that I did the most merciful thing I could in cutting it off sooner rather than later... sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is not to get involved with them. And sometimes the second best thing you can do for someone is to let them go if you know it's time.
But the thing that has really made me upset recently (as in the past 2-3 days) is the sale of the classical music radio station in St. Louis (Classic 99.1) to contemporary Christian radio JOY FM. I will spare you the details of the heartbreak I've gone through over this... I suppose I should've realized it was coming. But part of me was praying that something would go wrong... that the FCC wouldn't approve the sale of the station, that the board of executives in the Lutheran Church MO Synod who owned Classic 99 would have heard the outrage of the community and reneged on the sale, that JOY wouldn't have raised enough money to buy it out after all... something to prevent it from happening. I've listened to that station since 7th grade. I knew all the programs and scheduling as well as all the radio hosts. I used to play it continuously in my bedroom when I lived at home and then streamed it through my laptop when I went away to college. In the 12 years that I've been listening, I have learned to recognize as much repertoire as was taught to me through systematic study during my 5 years in the MU School of Music. I would not be the musician I am today without that station and I am so saddened to watch it go, and frustrated by the anger and bitterness in my own heart towards the Christian community in St. Louis for buying it as well as the board of executives at LCMS for selling it off. Thus my feelings of disillusionment when going to bed last night. Truly, I was weeping over the whole issue...
In addition to this, I'm facing the hassle and turmoil of a major move at the end of the month... aka: commence emotional fragility. I'm basically saying good-bye to 6 years of relationships here in Columbia. Not to mention the intimidation and fear I've been battling in realizing what lies ahead of me at Wash U (known around these parts as the Harvard of the Midwest). I pray the other grad students don't eat me for breakfast and wonder how in the world I got in. I also pray that despite the emminent death by piano that awaits me there, that I would be able to buck up against the pressure rather than crumble like I normally do. And I pray that amidst all the fear and emotional hardship of moving that I would find a number of good things... things that make it worthwhile. I know they will be there. I guess I pray that I would see them through the awaiting storm. I hate change... just ask my parents. I do not bear it well. On the contrary, I pretty much hunker down and face it with all the elegance of an emotionally-charged small child.
Amidst all of this, I'm reminded of the promises in the Psalms. Promises of help and a trustworthy God who upholds us. And this should be enough to get me through. But humans are sinful creatures and too often my emotions and fears get the better of me. So coffee in hand, I venture forth to do more battle with my charming and exceedingly difficult Schubert sonata. Because life is a process and today is a new day.
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