dearest baby brother...

Dearest baby brother...                                                                                                                  5.12.12

Friday was your last day of high school.  You are done.  Soon, you will be heading off into the wild on a journey to find your way into adulthood.  Granted, college will be another time of learning for you.  But this chapter is over now and you are about to embark on the next one.

I want to tell you some things before you go, mostly because you mean so much to me, but also because I’ve been there and while I may not be the oracle of all wisdom, there are some things that as your sister, I have learned along the way and I want you to know:

1. Don’t be afraid of yourself.  When I was your age, I had absolutely no idea who I was, mostly because I’d been dating someone for two years and learned to completely wrap up my identity in their existence.  It took me a long time to let go of him, as well as the dream that I would find myself when I found a mate.  It took me a long time to come to terms with myself.  It has only been in the last year that I have gotten to know myself and not been afraid of or intimidated by what I see.  Do not hesitate to be by yourself.  I’ve spent a lot of time alone this year and a lot of time caring less what people think.  The sooner you allow yourself to get to this point, the happier you will be in general.
2. Don’t be afraid of pain.  It is God’s megaphone to you.  He will literally scream himself to you in your pain.  And it is his grace to you.  You will meet with pain at some point and no one else will be able to go with you.  No human, no material thing will be able to take it away or touch the hurt in a way that makes it go away.  I pray you meet it with grace and humility.  I pray you submit to it and let it change you to be more like the man you’re supposed to be… that is, to be more like Jesus.  Remember this one thing, if nothing else:  only the Lord can take your pain from you, and only he can decide when it’s time for your suffering to be over.  And as it says in Exodus 6:6, “Then you will know that I am the Lord your God…”  He will save you from the point of destruction.  But only him.  So often, this is how we come face to face with the person of Jesus… when we have absolutely nothing left to cling to but his presence.  No, he cannot hug you.  No, he cannot actually speak to you in person as a friend or family member.  But he offers you something better:  life and purpose, found only in him.  This is the bedrock of the gospel.  I, too, am still learning this…
3. Find what you love and do it.  Forget about whether it makes money or not.  Yes, you have to pay your bills.  Yes, you have to be able to feed and clothe yourself and your family someday.  But it is more important that you do what you love.  Too many Americans trudge to work every day, sit at a desk for four hours, eat a ham sandwich for lunch, sit at their desk for another four hours, and then trudge home for an hour or more in traffic.  And it would be one thing if they loved doing that, but God knows they do not.  Do not head down that route.  Whatever it is that you love and are good at, if it makes enough money to live, then do it.  Go out there and find it and don’t delay or divert from that path.  Take hold of it and pour yourself into it wholeheartedly.  Find purpose in your work.  People want to work with people who love what they do.  Strive towards being a passionate and happy professional someday.  Your work should be life-giving, not life-sucking.
4. Do yourself (and your future family) a favor and go see a counselor at some point.  Our family of origin has been through a lot.  You will probably find that you want someone to talk to about it.
5. Learn to long for Heaven.  I don’t mean cherubs strumming harps and everyone hanging out in the clouds.  I also do not mean standing around in choir robes singing gospel music with hands lifted.  That is a terrible view of Heaven and absolutely nothing to look forward to.  It is in fact crap, not to mention completely unbiblical.  Nobody wants to put their hope in the idea of being ghost-like creatures with wings going around singing all the time.  What I am talking about is the reality of the new Heaven and the new earth, which will be this world that we live in now, redeemed, restored, and a deeper, more rich and beautiful earth than we have ever known or can imagine:  a new earth where creation will no longer groan and we will have the same bodies, redeemed and restored in the way they were intended, without physical or emotional ailments or pain.  I also mean being in the presence of Jesus forever, because that is what I ultimately pray you learn to long for.  Nothing (and I mean nothing) in this world is worth living for:  nothing.  I pray you realize that while there are good things here, it will never be enough to satisfy your restless heart.  And yes, that realization feels like death… because it is.  It’s death to self.  Only being in the presence of Jesus forever, uninhabited by sin or pain, will satisfy the restlessness and longing and ache that means being human.  And we will only realize it fully in Heaven when he comes for us again.
6. Find someone to be equally yoked with.  I don’t necessarily mean in terms of being a Christian or not.  There are plenty of Christians out there who don’t know a thing about what it means to actually know the person of Jesus or how to love sacrificially or be loved or how to long for Heaven.  Find someone who will be Jesus to you and who you can be Jesus to, who is your equal (or better) intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually… who understands you for the most part (because no other human being will ever completely understand you) and loves you anyway.  Learn to treat her well, like you do us girls – the females in your family of origin.  Learn to love her as Christ loves the church.  He gave himself up for it, you know… learn how to be self-sacrificing in a relationship without completely losing yourself or allowing yourself to be walked all over.  There’s a balance between being a leader and a servant.  You’ll lead best by serving her.  And by calmly asserting and communicating your thoughts in a way she can understand.  For that, you’ll have to actually get to know her.  That’s part of loving her… whoever she may be.
7. Learn to be brave and tell the truth when necessary.  Don’t beat around the bush with people.  Tell them what you actually think in the kindest and most loving way possible.  And when you don’t have to say anything, learn to keep your mouth shut.  It will save you from immeasurable heartache.  Words, once spoken (or written or posted online), can’t be taken back, regardless of the delete button.

And last but not least, I’m going to miss you… so, so much.  Come home now and then.  I will want to go ice skating and ride bikes and get ice cream again, even when you’re at the end of your college career, ready to enter the workforce, and I’m 30 years old.

I love you.

Kates

stolen from Jamie

Stole this from my friend, Jamie...

"We Christians do not like to think about being absolutely helpless in the hands of our God. With all of our faith, and with all of his grace, we still prefer to maintain some semblance of control over our lives. When difficulties arise, we like to think that there are certain steps we can take, or attitudes we can adopt, to alleviate our anguish and be happy.  Sometimes there are... 

But anyone who has truly suffered will know that when it comes to the real thing there is no help for it, no human help whatsoever. Simply put, when we are in a deep dark hole we cannot think our way out; neither can we hope, sing, pray or even love our way out.  In fact, there is absolutely nothing either we or anyone else can do to better our situation. We can have faith, yes; but faith in itself will not change anything. Neither faith, nor any other good thing that a person might have or do, can actually lift the cloud, move the mountain, or bring about an end to the problem. Only the Lord himself can do that, and when he does, as Exodus 6:6 puts it, 'Then you will know that I am the LORD your God, who brought you out from under the yoke...'

How will we know? Simply because nothing and no one else could possibly have done it. In this kind of crucible, therefore, we come to a new understanding of what it means to be saved, what it means to be snatched away from the brink of Destruction. Here we get down to the bedrock of the gospel." 

- Mike Mason, The Gospel according to Job 

little bunny foo foo

8 am lesson this morning meant a philosophical and ethical discussion with my 7-yr-old on the ramifications of Little Bunny Foo Foo's mean-spirited behavior towards a certain number of field mice.  This is a common piece that my younger students study in the challenge book of the first non-preparatory level of the method series (Faber) I put my kids in... it's a great piece.  For one thing, they love it, which means they'll practice it, even though it's fairly challenging.  For another, there's hands-together playing, minor mode sections, hand position changes, modulations, and a POOF hexachord at the end where she turns him into a goon.  All the good stuff. 

(me): "Think of the fairy as a GOOD fairy. She's unhappy with Little Bunny Foo Foo because he's mean to the field mice.  Musically that's represented here in the minor sections (pointing).  And, you know, if the goon creeps you out, pretend that she turns him into a lizard instead..."

Her response? "Well yeah, I guess that makes sense. He has to be punished somehow..."

Hahaha my life... love. it. ♥

PIANO

[meant to post this last Friday (5.4.12) when I had the morning off, but didn't finish it until tonight...]

You'll have to excuse my tardiness.  I've been meaning to post this for a while and am just now getting around to it...

A couple of weeks ago I had two of the best lessons I've had all semester with my two Thursday girls.  Awesome is literally the word.  I've had both of these girls for two years... wow:  two years now.  I'm getting old...


My first girl on Thursday afternoons is in eighth grade this year and she's struggled with hand tremors the entire time I've had her as a student.  Her mom told me when we started that she's had them since she was a little girl and the pediatrician had told them they would eventually go away.  And they did in a lot of things, but piano was still lagging, because it requires such fine motor skills and focused coordination.  They've gotten better with time and practice, but recently there has been a marked difference.  Since March, I'd been determined to get them under control after the judge at Federation had made a comment on her score sheet about uneven runs.  So we worked.  We focused a lot on scales and how to work on them:  dotted, backwards dotted, 5-finger scales in contrary motion to practice the LH thumb turn, scale sprints.  And we talked about what goes through her brain when she's working on scales.  I strongly encouraged her to focus during her technical exercises and not just think about homework or what's for dinner.  It's so easy to check out while working on technique... of all people, I know this.

But then during her lesson several weeks ago, she played them with the most control I've ever seen her play them.  There were a few blips... instances where she lost focus, or made a fingering slip, or wasn't thinking about what was next.  But overall, it was pretty amazing to watch.  We talked afterward about how she'd been practicing and what she'd been thinking about.  Long story short?  She'd learned how to literally focus the tremors out.  I find that incredible.  I was so proud of her.  I knew she could do it.  And to be honest, I hadn't really known for sure what would work for her.  I knew where I wanted her to be and I knew what had worked for me in straightening out some of my scalar technique.  I also knew that the fifty billion different ways I gave her to practice her scales would help.  But they were a means to an end (still are!)... the end being learning how to focus and think clearly during an activity that is otherwise difficult, dry, and boring.  Because I mean, who likes practicing scales?  Well, besides my former professor...

My other Thursday girl has made leaps and bounds of progress this semester too, and it really came out in her lesson a few weeks ago.  This year she has struggled in general with anxiety a little and from what I can tell, exhaustion at times too.  Together, I think it has made piano (both performing and practice) difficult in ways that it didn't use to be for her.

But then, she decided to drop tennis.  And her scrapbooking club ended.  And basketball ended.  And all of a sudden, the only activities she was participating in were piano and Girls on the Run (and maybe Girl Scouts?).  Lessons for the last month have been truly delightful because she's been practicing more and therefore, enjoying it.  She is more prepared for our upcoming recital than ever before.  And even though she played through a panic attack last semester and I was so proud of her for working through that insanely difficult thing at such a young age, I really think this is going to be a different kind of positive experience for her.  The other night we were going over recital pieces, one of which will be "Little Bunny Foo Foo," complete with narration and a POOF chord at the end.  I fully expect it to be one of the highlights of the program :)

And as we were ending her lesson that night, she told me that she'd been practicing at school during her music time.  Um, extra practice time?  Yes please!  And then she told me she'd come up with an acronym for piano, based on the things she'd been learning / realizing recently.  If this doesn't kill you with cuteness and profundity, I don't know what will... kids say the most incredible things.

P... prepared
I... independent
A... awesome (lol)
N... (k)nowledge (again... lol)
O... open to new songs (or, for Katie:  Oh snap... that is hilarious and amazing)

Seriously?  I am so. incredibly. lucky :)

mein Rosenbusch

My rosebush is going CRAZY!  The poor thing is too big for itself and its container.  And the container isn't exactly small.  Tonight I had to cut off almost all of its blooms, since there were blooms toppling over from rain, leaves / branches that were dying because they were covered up by other leaves / branches / blooms, and new buds that were starting to look like they didn't even have a chance.  The vase by the kitchen sink is overflowing now and I know my roommates are going to take one look at the bush, come inside and see the vase, and think I'm crazy.  But they know nothing about plants so whatever.  They can think what they want.  I'll fertilize again by the end of the week and it'll be going crazy again in another month or so... just in time for birthday, now that I think about it :)

Wish I still had my mom's camera so I could post a picture.  Maybe in the next couple of days if I see her tomorrow night at the spring concert, she can bring it and I can borrow it again for a bit...

peaches

Grandma, you will appreciate this one:

Today I thinned out the peach tree at Mom's.  It was perfect.  Mom had paid some guy to mow the yard just yesterday so the felled fruit doesn't screw up anyone's blades.  And she hasn't had time to thin it out, so I figured I'd take care of it while I was out there.  But I am now a sweaty, itchy, peach-fuzz-covered mess.  And I'll get to stay this way all afternoon while I teach.  Awesome :)  At least I didn't get stung.  There were wasps out already trying to pollinate...

Also:  came across a birds' nest while I was working.  Suddenly it made sense why this one robin kept flying all over the place and squawking at me.  Haha!  Sorry, friend... didn't mean to bother your real estate :)

keeping the vault closed

Today I learned a hard lesson or two about what it means to be an artist in the professional world.  I could tell you the entire story in all its gory details, but I won't... for both of our sakes.  I'm sure from what I'm about to share, you can gather enough to get the general idea of what happened.  And no joke, tonight I came home, realized there was a severe shortage of milk in the fridge, and left the house again to make an additional grocery run so I could eat half the bag of homemade gluten-free chocolate chip cookies I'd made the other night.  I truly felt that defeated...

And then I thought, "Well, if I eat enough cookies, I guess I won't have to worry about making dinner..."  I guess the bright side is that I drank at least eight ounces of milk (maybe more?) which doesn't happen very often.  Good thing I started running again yesterday...

Anyway, what I learned today was this:  when I play for other people, I have to play what they want... the way they want it played.  And if they, as the consumer, are paying me money to play for them, then I have to do what they want, regardless of my own opinions regarding the music I'm working on for them.  Sounds simple enough, right?

But it was such a painful lesson.

Because not only does it mean that I have to play what they want, the way they want it played, it also means that I have to...
a. let them have control
b. look like the idiot, even if they're wrong
c. keep my mouth shut, regardless of how I feel
d. realize there's nothing I can do about any of the above

... none of which I did today.  At least not very gracefully.  And there were ways in which I was wrong too.  I know that I will need to make an apology at some point, but I'll be honest, I'm not quite ready seeing as how the whole thing rattled me to an extent that few things have recently.  Neither of us involved handled it very well at all.  And don't get me wrong, it wasn't horrendous.  Neither of us said anything horrible to the other.  But there was a brief period of time where the tension in the room could be sliced through with a knife.  I hate that.  There's no reason for it.  And it bothers me that I let it happen that way.

And it took me the rest of the day and a trip to Forest Park to sit and think after I was done teaching and three phone calls (two to my mom and one to Megan) and the drive home and an extra trip to the grocery store and half a bag of chocolate chip cookies to recover from the whole ordeal.  But what I also realized in the process of all that was this:  Just because I play something for someone a certain way doesn't necessarily mean I have to agree with it being played that way.  It doesn't mean I agree with their artistic decisions, however absurd or stress-related they may be.  It doesn't mean I concede to or trust their artistic judgment about the music we work on.  It doesn't mean we are in agreement about anything, other than the fact that I let them have control because they are paying me to do so.  And yes, maybe that means I put up with their crap.  But they're paying me to put up with it and I certainly don't have to lose my dignity over it.  And this is where I have really struggled recently.  It's high time I realized there are certain parts of my work that are not personal:  they're business.  It's not personal, it's business.  But it's hard when you're an artist.  Because your business is personal.  It's a part of you.

And it will take a great deal of humility and graciousness and, ah yes... patience, I daresay?  With both myself and the people I play for... all three of which qualities I hope to cultivate better in the future.  I think the best pianists are those who can do whatever is asked of them without a fuss, but without foregoing their artistic integrity either... something I definitely did not do very well today.  But I hope to be like that some day.  And some day I will get there.  Because some day I will finally learn to keep my mouth shut and let other people have control when they really really want it.  There's dignity in keeping the vault closed... much more so than letting it fly open when you're upset or frustrated.

And ultimately it's important to remember that in the end, it's really not about me.  It's about the music.  And it's about relationships.  It's about graciousness, which is definitely something I think Jesus would say "yes" to.  Because he is about relationships and graciousness.  And yes, he's about good art too.  But more so relationships.

And he's the one I want to be most like.