It is 12:17 am according to the clock on the stove. My house is freezing. And I've been sitting at my kitchen table since 3 pm. Today was a lesson-planning day. I'm satisfied, though far from done. I clicked away all afternoon and evening on my laptop, determining the long-term semester goals for about half of my students, planning their lessons for the coming week, and making a list of all the repertoire I need to buy to expand my teaching library. The other half of my students are new to me this semester and so I anticipate another long day in front of the laptop at the end of this week. What a job! But I've raised my teaching rates and thus feel compelled to a new level of professionalism and organization in my curriculum and policies. I'm not good with details. I do in fact hate them. And I do in fact desperately hope I marry someone who is entirely the sort of person to say, "I already took care of that one, babe" when I am otherwise freaking out about the bazillion things I inevitably realize need to get done at the last minute. But when it comes to the education of another human being in a subject I'm deeply passionate about, I can do details. It's about the only time I can do them with any sort of enthusiasm whatsoever.
Also in my thoughts tonight: winter and my love-hate relationship with it. My personal feeling is that it should be illegal for it to be this cold outside. But yet the thought of hibernation makes me really happy. On days like today, I don't HAVE to get out in the weather unless I want to, which I did today because going to my church here in Columbia is so worth it... which brings me to another random thought: I love being at home. Some people don't have this talent. They tell me they have to go somewhere at least once a day. But there's nothing in the world like being comfortably settled in your own cozy house with no agenda and your work half-done. Hibernation. It's a beautiful thing.
Earlier this evening I had an interesting discussion with my roommate Esther about goals and New Year's resolutions, etc. Some people, like Esther, make really detail-oriented goals for themselves with very specific means of measuring achievement for these goals. And that is wonderful. There is definitely a need for people like that in this world. But no matter how much I tried to explain that I am not one of those people, that my goals are very broad, that I am the sole measurer of my own achievement, and that my own satisfaction is the only measurement of said achievement, it didn't quite settle with her. What she doesn't understand is that I have to fight to keep myself from living under a system of self-made rules and regulations. I spent half of my college career realizing I just function better when I'm not so hard on myself, when I give myself grace... success for me ends up becoming a matter of giving myself the freedom to fail, if I want or need to. Many of you may not understand this but all I can say is this: I guess it depends on what you want. For me, the point is not to make myself a better person. The point, in the world of Katie at least, is to love and be loved. And I know for a fact that I can love people a heck of a lot better when I'm not so consumed with myself or my own goals of... whatever happens to be important at the time. Less worrying, more doing. Just go.
There are two other items on my radar I'm currently excited about: my new cookbook (the same one I've been talking about for a week now) and the Beth Moore Bible study I intend to join this semester. I anticipate the results of these novelties like the secret giddiness I know comes with a peppermint hot chocolate. I feel in my soul they will be good things for my heart as I delve into them in the coming weeks. Until then, Stuart Little...
No comments:
Post a Comment