in tents

This weekend was so intense... just like boy scouts -- get it? In tents? Mer mer. In all seriousness though, it was a tough time. I did taxes and the fafsa with my mom... 50 billion forms though she saved me $400, went to Halley's birthday party (which was fun, but I didn't get to actually talk to her much since it was mostly family attending), said good-bye to the most influential person in my life and her husband and kids since they moved to Nebraska yesterday, and went to visit my aunt who's on hospice. Oh yeah... and then I had to come back to school. Needless to say, by the time I got back to Columbia and slid into my bathtub Sunday night, I was not a happy camper. I was super depressed, mega-stressed since I hadn't gotten any homework done whatsoever, and generally unhappy with essentially everything.

Today I'm in a slightly better place. At least I don't have the kinds of crazy irrational thoughts running through my head that plagued me the other night. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Katie's mind can be a really dark place sometimes. Anyway, a bunch of time freed itself up today since my family of 4 students that I teach on Tuesdays are all ill, which is honestly quite convenient seeing as how this is the third week in a row of memorizing a piece of music per week for Dr. Wenger's critical ears in my lessons. I really am about to go insane. I haven't worked on my research for the Prokofiev paper at all in the last 10-12 days because I figure if I get all my music finally memorized, I'll be in a better position mentally and emotionally to deal with everything else. Thank God this is my last piece. I really could almost puke at the amount of Debussy I've ingested recently. And you know how I love Debussy.

In all honesty, things aren't ideal right now. I've said good-bye to three of my best friends in the last three months. Leaves a girl feeling somewhat abandoned. And sometimes I just totally let myself go to that place and be miserable and its slightly wonderful in a very commiserative and morbid way. But Sunday night, I wrote a memo to God detailing my frustrations, asking him to just meet me where I'm at, despite the fact that I'm unable and somewhat unwilling at this point to pursue him because of my crazy, emotionally-frazzled state and an even harrier schedule. And I have to tell you, the last two days have been so much better. I often feel like I'm running on fumes (or less!), but right now it seems like he has just been helping me face one thing after another these last 36 hrs without completely losing it. And I know its easy to just say "Oh, God is helping me to do blah blah blah" when really its just that your circumstances seem to be working out the way you want them to. But let me just say there's a distinct difference between that and genuinely feeling like you're no longer completely alone in your attempts to move mountains or deal with small monsters. The presence he fills you with when you just ask him for it is what makes all the difference between seriously feeling like you're going out of your ever-loving mind and being able to deal with life with some measure of dignity and sanity... somebody please remind me of that five days from now when I will more than likely be in a dark place again...