This morning, Reader, I write to you from the little balcony just off my room in my new Tower Grove apartment. This past weekend, I moved in with my college roommate / best friend and can I just say that I've slept better in the last 3 nights than I did the entire month I was living with my parents? I've been sleeping way better here. Maybe there's a connection, maybe there's not... I'm just sayin'...
This morning's topic? Transitions and how much they suck. There's no getting around it. They're just hard and you feel like there's no control and that you're just stabbing in the air, only to realize later that you are in fact making decisions out of anxiety, driving not only yourself but everyone else around you insane. And I am not one who can easily look at a seemingly hopeless situation, let it go for awhile, and come back to it with a fresh perspective. I used to be able to do that... when I was in the familiar and comfortable environment of school, consistently validated by my surroundings and goals. Out here in the wild, it's completely different... a whole new ballgame. And I'm still trying to survey the landscape.
But in the last month, I've also realized some pretty amazing things. For one thing, I can make it. I can do this life thing and I don't have to be in an academic institution or be married to feel secure about myself. In the process of throwing myself out there in a number of different directions, I've successfully acquired 5 new piano students and an accompanying gig for the choral program of a private high school. I signed the contract yesterday, a contract that will bring in roughly a quarter of my income for the year. And I have an interview with two more potential students tonight. God is so good.
The other important thing I feel like I maybe, sorta, kinda have started to learn is something else touched on in the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I've been a workaholic all my life... I learned it from the pro. It's not that I don't know how to rest. It's that I have to feel like I've earned it or be told that I can take it. Americans get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "Ok, now I will go take one." (Or they tell themselves that they need a break... only after they've worked themselves into a sickness). The Italians get told, "You need a break" and they say to themselves "I know. That's why I'm planning on taking one at noon." They call it dolce far niente: the sweetness of doing nothing. And when you're not in school and you're pasting part-time work together, there's a little more time for nothing. Sometimes you're forced to take it. I feel as if maybe, just maybe, the flakes of "need to, have to, gotta go, I can't" are starting to fall off. My roommate Halley is so good at this: the girl is a pro at doing nothing and not feeling like she had to earn the right to do it. So I'm glad I'm living with her again, especially now that I'm not in school. I think she will probably be a fantastic teacher. It's a new way of learning to love myself and I have to say, I'm not always quite sure what to do with it. But most of me just wants to embrace it.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
the physics of the quest
I know, I know... it's only been 5 days since my last post. But seeing as how I'm a professional part-timer these days, I hope to be able to post more often. The move caused a lot of disruption in my life these past 2-3 weeks and since I'm desperate to get out of my parents' house, moving again may cause more chaos in the near future. So I'm left with one thought for myself on the subject: carpe diem, thou extemporaneous blogger.
And let me just tell you what it took to get myself here this morning. I woke up with two desires: coffee and blogging. The latter was easy enough to satisfy. The first... not so much. There was no coffee to be had in the house, and when I say no coffee, I mean no real coffee. My parents keep decaf on hand but decaf was not acceptable this morning. I'm telling you, sometimes it astonishes me what a human being will do to get a decent cup of coffee in their hands. The situation quickly escalated from a potential Starbucks drive-thru run in my nightie to realizing that I needed to get gas and the ultimate rationalization: a drive-thru doesn't solve the larger problem of no coffee in the house. Now that I'm living here with my parents, even if it's only for another month or so, lack of coffee is still an issue. Don't ask me why this issue wasn't addressed sooner... I think it's probably because I've been satisfying morning caffeine requirements with diet pepsi. Anyway, my original desire to wake up and have a cup of coffee while blogging turned into a ridiculous ordeal. So here I am, an hour and a half later, dressed and mostly ready for the day. Not what I thought I wanted to do with the morning, but still fairly happy nonetheless.
Speaking of this idea, I suppose I could say the same of where I'm at in life right now. Life is so funny that way. You just never know where you'll end up, especially if you're just sort of open to whatever God might have for you. This reminds me of the movie I recently saw with a girlfriend. The new Julia Roberts movie Eat, Pray, Love (based on the book by Elizabeth Gilbert) came out on Friday night and let me just tell you, reader, that if you enjoy a good chick flick and are willing to accept things on their own terms, you will love this movie. It's not your typical chick flick... it's definitely more of a journey flick. The entire premise of the movie can be summed up in the ingenue's short monologue towards the end, taken from the author's website:
"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest' -- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.' Or so I've come to believe. I can't help but believe it, given my experience."
Don't ask me why, but this is so beautiful to me. Maybe because I feel like this is all I ever do? Maybe because I feel like this is what Christians are called to do? Maybe because this is ultimately what we as human beings are supposed to do? Seek truth. Jeremiah 29:13 comes to mind... "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Having been on the journey for a few years now, it is really easy to feel like you're running in circles... that you're simply going nowhere, that you just run and run, chasing after whatever seems to be the right thing for you at the time.
It is my firm belief that human beings genuinely like the cattle drive (dare I say love it?) because it feels like you're headed somewhere meaningful, the point of arrival. And having turned down not one but two fantastic opportunities recently, it is really easy for me to feel like I'm all of sudden going nowhere. People keep asking me the question, "Where do you want to end up, Katie?" And I keep thinking about it in terms of where I want to be in the next year or so, or even five years from now. But the real answer is this -- which I think is universally true for all humans although it manifests itself in different forms -- I want to be content and happy. I want to have desperately sought out truth and found enough to satisfy me, but not enough to make me complacent. I want to be at home in the Lord, fulfilled and happy no matter what my circumstances. And I want to be able to love people and love myself without reservation. So I guess that's why I didn't need to go to school this year... prestigious universities tend to not be the best classrooms for these lessons.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you... and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:13-14a
And let me just tell you what it took to get myself here this morning. I woke up with two desires: coffee and blogging. The latter was easy enough to satisfy. The first... not so much. There was no coffee to be had in the house, and when I say no coffee, I mean no real coffee. My parents keep decaf on hand but decaf was not acceptable this morning. I'm telling you, sometimes it astonishes me what a human being will do to get a decent cup of coffee in their hands. The situation quickly escalated from a potential Starbucks drive-thru run in my nightie to realizing that I needed to get gas and the ultimate rationalization: a drive-thru doesn't solve the larger problem of no coffee in the house. Now that I'm living here with my parents, even if it's only for another month or so, lack of coffee is still an issue. Don't ask me why this issue wasn't addressed sooner... I think it's probably because I've been satisfying morning caffeine requirements with diet pepsi. Anyway, my original desire to wake up and have a cup of coffee while blogging turned into a ridiculous ordeal. So here I am, an hour and a half later, dressed and mostly ready for the day. Not what I thought I wanted to do with the morning, but still fairly happy nonetheless.
Speaking of this idea, I suppose I could say the same of where I'm at in life right now. Life is so funny that way. You just never know where you'll end up, especially if you're just sort of open to whatever God might have for you. This reminds me of the movie I recently saw with a girlfriend. The new Julia Roberts movie Eat, Pray, Love (based on the book by Elizabeth Gilbert) came out on Friday night and let me just tell you, reader, that if you enjoy a good chick flick and are willing to accept things on their own terms, you will love this movie. It's not your typical chick flick... it's definitely more of a journey flick. The entire premise of the movie can be summed up in the ingenue's short monologue towards the end, taken from the author's website:
"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest' -- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.' Or so I've come to believe. I can't help but believe it, given my experience."
Don't ask me why, but this is so beautiful to me. Maybe because I feel like this is all I ever do? Maybe because I feel like this is what Christians are called to do? Maybe because this is ultimately what we as human beings are supposed to do? Seek truth. Jeremiah 29:13 comes to mind... "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Having been on the journey for a few years now, it is really easy to feel like you're running in circles... that you're simply going nowhere, that you just run and run, chasing after whatever seems to be the right thing for you at the time.
It is my firm belief that human beings genuinely like the cattle drive (dare I say love it?) because it feels like you're headed somewhere meaningful, the point of arrival. And having turned down not one but two fantastic opportunities recently, it is really easy for me to feel like I'm all of sudden going nowhere. People keep asking me the question, "Where do you want to end up, Katie?" And I keep thinking about it in terms of where I want to be in the next year or so, or even five years from now. But the real answer is this -- which I think is universally true for all humans although it manifests itself in different forms -- I want to be content and happy. I want to have desperately sought out truth and found enough to satisfy me, but not enough to make me complacent. I want to be at home in the Lord, fulfilled and happy no matter what my circumstances. And I want to be able to love people and love myself without reservation. So I guess that's why I didn't need to go to school this year... prestigious universities tend to not be the best classrooms for these lessons.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you... and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:13-14a
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
doors
This morning I'm sitting in my friend Jill's apartment just outside of Kansas City. It's shortly after 9 am and I'm still in my pj's with... you guessed it: a cup of coffee sitting next to me. It's been nearly a month since I've posted, maybe longer. I could check but that would require effort. So much has happened since then, but I suppose that's how it goes when you average one post a month... :)
As it so happens, I am no longer attending Washington University this fall. Talk about a painful weekend: about three weeks ago, a bunch of fit hit the shan, so to speak, and the reality of student loans set in. MU does this wonderful thing called exit counseling for their student loan borrowers after they graduate and are about to start repayment. Needless to say, after calculating up the total borrowed for undergrad, realizing how much I'd have to borrow to go to Wash U ($10,000 + living expenses), thinking about my poor car which was having fuel pump problems that weekend and is on the verge of hitting the 100,000 mile mark after 18 years of faithful service in the world, and considering the reality of loan repayments after graduate school on a piano teacher's salary (let alone a normal person's salary)... even with the deal Wash U was giving me, it all just started to seem really foolish. Not to mention that we all know Katie is just a little bit on the edge of burnout anyway and could probably use the break from school. And my piano professor had always said that taking some time away from school wouldn't kill my career. She had also warned me to avoid any graduate music program that wouldn't pay for the whole shebang (tuition + an assistantship or a stipend), which I suppose is debateable but she makes a good point. So I'm in the process of figuring out what to do next...
... which brings me back to this morning: sitting in my friend Jill's apartment in Kansas City. As soon as I'm finished here, I will be getting ready to go meet her at Calvary Bible College to meet the faculty of the music and theater departments. It so happens that she is the secretary to both departments and, if she were staying this semester, would be the main piano teacher in their community music program as well as the principal accompanist for the chorales and the musical theatre endeavors of both departments. Unfortunately she and her husband are leaving mid-October since he's in the army and will be headed elsewhere for training. So it's an opportunity for me to potentially step in and take her place. I'm not sure that I'm deliriously excited about it, which I don't entirely understand why not other than to say that I'm pretty leary in general of things that could potentially be scary. And as wonderful as the opportunity sounds, it has a lot of potential to be scary: all of my friends and family are in St. Louis and moving here would mean striking out on my own, four hours away from everything and everyone I know and love, and not merely to go to school or do any type of ministry, but to work. I used to think I was brave but that prospect does not sound exciting. And maybe this is something important to consider: I'm seeing this as nothing but a job opportunity and I am exactly the sort of person who is not motivated solely by work or money... there has to be more there. It has to mean something to me. But I won't know if it means anything to me or not until I see the college and meet the faculty and see what I would be doing. So that's why I'm here: because I'll never know for sure until I actually investigate. I also know that what I'm about to say will sound really shallow, but anyone who's been raised in the St. Louis area will understand... I'm not sure that I want to move to... Kansas City of all places?? It's just a cultural thing. And it sounds stupid, but it is in fact valid.
But more than anything, I just want to know what I want and I want to know what God wants. I know what I want in five years. But I feel like I keep asking myself what I really want in the meantime. Because there are too many trade-offs right now. Either decision will require a number of sacrifices. But sacrifices are worth it if you know what you really want and can keep your eyes focused on those goals. So that's what I keep bringing before the Lord: God, you've brought me to this place. All of a sudden, my fall semester has magically cleared itself... where do you want me now? And what in the world do I want? And why do I always seem to have so much trouble figuring out what I want? My sister would say, "It's because you have anxiety." And I know she would be right, even if that wasn't the entire reason for all of my indecisiveness and restlessness...
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4
Thursday, July 8, 2010
growing pains
Today is a new day. Coffee in hand, I attempt to face the world with a smile again. I hate going to bed feeling disillusioned, which is exactly what happened last night. But I guess I should provide a brief update of all that's taken place since my last post, which, I'm sorry to say is a lot. I will try to be concise...
As it turns out, things did not work out with the boy as many people in my life were hoping they would. I had doubts all along as to whether I should be dating anyone at all and early in the relationship I had short-circuited because of this, only to try a second time to "give it a fair shot." Can I just take this opportunity to say that fair shots are a bunch of bullshit? They're not fair to either person in the relationship. Not to him, not to me. The poor guy ended up investing 2 months in something he had no control over only to find out that I had been doubting the X-factor all along. Needless to say, I learned a lot about myself and relationships and I pray that in time he will forgive me for the pain I caused him. But I also know that I did the most merciful thing I could in cutting it off sooner rather than later... sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is not to get involved with them. And sometimes the second best thing you can do for someone is to let them go if you know it's time.
But the thing that has really made me upset recently (as in the past 2-3 days) is the sale of the classical music radio station in St. Louis (Classic 99.1) to contemporary Christian radio JOY FM. I will spare you the details of the heartbreak I've gone through over this... I suppose I should've realized it was coming. But part of me was praying that something would go wrong... that the FCC wouldn't approve the sale of the station, that the board of executives in the Lutheran Church MO Synod who owned Classic 99 would have heard the outrage of the community and reneged on the sale, that JOY wouldn't have raised enough money to buy it out after all... something to prevent it from happening. I've listened to that station since 7th grade. I knew all the programs and scheduling as well as all the radio hosts. I used to play it continuously in my bedroom when I lived at home and then streamed it through my laptop when I went away to college. In the 12 years that I've been listening, I have learned to recognize as much repertoire as was taught to me through systematic study during my 5 years in the MU School of Music. I would not be the musician I am today without that station and I am so saddened to watch it go, and frustrated by the anger and bitterness in my own heart towards the Christian community in St. Louis for buying it as well as the board of executives at LCMS for selling it off. Thus my feelings of disillusionment when going to bed last night. Truly, I was weeping over the whole issue...
In addition to this, I'm facing the hassle and turmoil of a major move at the end of the month... aka: commence emotional fragility. I'm basically saying good-bye to 6 years of relationships here in Columbia. Not to mention the intimidation and fear I've been battling in realizing what lies ahead of me at Wash U (known around these parts as the Harvard of the Midwest). I pray the other grad students don't eat me for breakfast and wonder how in the world I got in. I also pray that despite the emminent death by piano that awaits me there, that I would be able to buck up against the pressure rather than crumble like I normally do. And I pray that amidst all the fear and emotional hardship of moving that I would find a number of good things... things that make it worthwhile. I know they will be there. I guess I pray that I would see them through the awaiting storm. I hate change... just ask my parents. I do not bear it well. On the contrary, I pretty much hunker down and face it with all the elegance of an emotionally-charged small child.
Amidst all of this, I'm reminded of the promises in the Psalms. Promises of help and a trustworthy God who upholds us. And this should be enough to get me through. But humans are sinful creatures and too often my emotions and fears get the better of me. So coffee in hand, I venture forth to do more battle with my charming and exceedingly difficult Schubert sonata. Because life is a process and today is a new day.
As it turns out, things did not work out with the boy as many people in my life were hoping they would. I had doubts all along as to whether I should be dating anyone at all and early in the relationship I had short-circuited because of this, only to try a second time to "give it a fair shot." Can I just take this opportunity to say that fair shots are a bunch of bullshit? They're not fair to either person in the relationship. Not to him, not to me. The poor guy ended up investing 2 months in something he had no control over only to find out that I had been doubting the X-factor all along. Needless to say, I learned a lot about myself and relationships and I pray that in time he will forgive me for the pain I caused him. But I also know that I did the most merciful thing I could in cutting it off sooner rather than later... sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is not to get involved with them. And sometimes the second best thing you can do for someone is to let them go if you know it's time.
But the thing that has really made me upset recently (as in the past 2-3 days) is the sale of the classical music radio station in St. Louis (Classic 99.1) to contemporary Christian radio JOY FM. I will spare you the details of the heartbreak I've gone through over this... I suppose I should've realized it was coming. But part of me was praying that something would go wrong... that the FCC wouldn't approve the sale of the station, that the board of executives in the Lutheran Church MO Synod who owned Classic 99 would have heard the outrage of the community and reneged on the sale, that JOY wouldn't have raised enough money to buy it out after all... something to prevent it from happening. I've listened to that station since 7th grade. I knew all the programs and scheduling as well as all the radio hosts. I used to play it continuously in my bedroom when I lived at home and then streamed it through my laptop when I went away to college. In the 12 years that I've been listening, I have learned to recognize as much repertoire as was taught to me through systematic study during my 5 years in the MU School of Music. I would not be the musician I am today without that station and I am so saddened to watch it go, and frustrated by the anger and bitterness in my own heart towards the Christian community in St. Louis for buying it as well as the board of executives at LCMS for selling it off. Thus my feelings of disillusionment when going to bed last night. Truly, I was weeping over the whole issue...
In addition to this, I'm facing the hassle and turmoil of a major move at the end of the month... aka: commence emotional fragility. I'm basically saying good-bye to 6 years of relationships here in Columbia. Not to mention the intimidation and fear I've been battling in realizing what lies ahead of me at Wash U (known around these parts as the Harvard of the Midwest). I pray the other grad students don't eat me for breakfast and wonder how in the world I got in. I also pray that despite the emminent death by piano that awaits me there, that I would be able to buck up against the pressure rather than crumble like I normally do. And I pray that amidst all the fear and emotional hardship of moving that I would find a number of good things... things that make it worthwhile. I know they will be there. I guess I pray that I would see them through the awaiting storm. I hate change... just ask my parents. I do not bear it well. On the contrary, I pretty much hunker down and face it with all the elegance of an emotionally-charged small child.
Amidst all of this, I'm reminded of the promises in the Psalms. Promises of help and a trustworthy God who upholds us. And this should be enough to get me through. But humans are sinful creatures and too often my emotions and fears get the better of me. So coffee in hand, I venture forth to do more battle with my charming and exceedingly difficult Schubert sonata. Because life is a process and today is a new day.
Monday, June 14, 2010
steering
Lying in bed on a rainy morning, soaking up the deliciousness of not having to be anywhere immediately. Tomorrow I turn 24. I don't yet feel 24, but neither do I feel 23 anymore... maybe I'll feel more like 24 tomorrow after my actual birthday :)
And tomorrow I have to teach all day. But that doesn't bother me. I love my students and I can't think of a better way to spend the better part of the day than with some kids who love the piano.
Things are going well, which, in all honesty is probably why I haven't updated the blog much recently. Last week was crazy busy with both piano camp and the Crossing's Kids Club taking place in the same week. In other words, each day basically looked like this: at the music school from 9-5 helping kids (grades 7-12) practice their pieces to get ready for the end of camp recital, then grabbing my student Madeline (who participated in piano camp this year) and taking a whirlwind drive over to the church to do Kids Club (the Crossing's version of VBS) from 5:30 - 8:30 where I functioned as a Bible story discussion leader. Needless to say, it was an exhausting week and as much as I loved it, I'm also exceedingly glad it's all over now. I definitely needed this entire weekend to rest up.
Things with the boy are also going well. That is to say he's seeing more and more of the firecracker side of me and hasn't packed up and ran for the hills yet :) But there are days when I just get so overwhelmed with fear that I feel like running myself... fear of commitment, fear of being hurt, fear of losing my identity just like I did with Mitchell, fear of idolizing him, fear of not fulfilling the stupid expectations I place on myself. And guilt too, since he seems to have it all together and knows what he wants and seemingly isn't scared of anything, although he assures me this isn't the case. Either way, it all makes me feel incredibly guilty, which I'm sure is music to the enemy's ears. Anyway, there's a lot that I'm battling... a lot that he's battling too, I suppose, since he's realizing his lady's a cuckoo, although he doesn't have to live with all these crazy thoughts going round and round in his head like I do...
But the other night when I was in the shower I had a revelation (like I often do when I'm in the shower) and I realized that I'm fussing with this whole thing way too much. And I do that. I just fuss with something until it's nearly dead and wilted. That is to say, I sit there and worry about the whole thing excessively until whatever it is that I'm worrying about is ready to stick up the white flag of surrender. But luckily, sometimes I finally get to the point where I realize I need to just let things go and see what happens if I were to, say, take my grimy hands off and let go of the wheel maybe? I'm committed to seeing this thing out to the very end, whenever that may be and I'm committed to seeing what God has for us. And that's all I know. And that's ok... I feel peace about that level of commitment. I can't give any more just yet because I'm not there. And I hope I get there eventually, but who's to say that I will? All I can do is trust the Lord, which I haven't been doing a very good job of lately, since I like so much to just be in control, especially when it comes to relationships with guys. Oh Katie... trust the Lord, little one. You don't have to know all the answers: it's only a wild ride if you let him steer....
And tomorrow I have to teach all day. But that doesn't bother me. I love my students and I can't think of a better way to spend the better part of the day than with some kids who love the piano.
Things are going well, which, in all honesty is probably why I haven't updated the blog much recently. Last week was crazy busy with both piano camp and the Crossing's Kids Club taking place in the same week. In other words, each day basically looked like this: at the music school from 9-5 helping kids (grades 7-12) practice their pieces to get ready for the end of camp recital, then grabbing my student Madeline (who participated in piano camp this year) and taking a whirlwind drive over to the church to do Kids Club (the Crossing's version of VBS) from 5:30 - 8:30 where I functioned as a Bible story discussion leader. Needless to say, it was an exhausting week and as much as I loved it, I'm also exceedingly glad it's all over now. I definitely needed this entire weekend to rest up.
Things with the boy are also going well. That is to say he's seeing more and more of the firecracker side of me and hasn't packed up and ran for the hills yet :) But there are days when I just get so overwhelmed with fear that I feel like running myself... fear of commitment, fear of being hurt, fear of losing my identity just like I did with Mitchell, fear of idolizing him, fear of not fulfilling the stupid expectations I place on myself. And guilt too, since he seems to have it all together and knows what he wants and seemingly isn't scared of anything, although he assures me this isn't the case. Either way, it all makes me feel incredibly guilty, which I'm sure is music to the enemy's ears. Anyway, there's a lot that I'm battling... a lot that he's battling too, I suppose, since he's realizing his lady's a cuckoo, although he doesn't have to live with all these crazy thoughts going round and round in his head like I do...
But the other night when I was in the shower I had a revelation (like I often do when I'm in the shower) and I realized that I'm fussing with this whole thing way too much. And I do that. I just fuss with something until it's nearly dead and wilted. That is to say, I sit there and worry about the whole thing excessively until whatever it is that I'm worrying about is ready to stick up the white flag of surrender. But luckily, sometimes I finally get to the point where I realize I need to just let things go and see what happens if I were to, say, take my grimy hands off and let go of the wheel maybe? I'm committed to seeing this thing out to the very end, whenever that may be and I'm committed to seeing what God has for us. And that's all I know. And that's ok... I feel peace about that level of commitment. I can't give any more just yet because I'm not there. And I hope I get there eventually, but who's to say that I will? All I can do is trust the Lord, which I haven't been doing a very good job of lately, since I like so much to just be in control, especially when it comes to relationships with guys. Oh Katie... trust the Lord, little one. You don't have to know all the answers: it's only a wild ride if you let him steer....
Friday, May 28, 2010
pacing
Oh man, what a beautiful morning! I'm sitting in my recently-cleaned duplex (since I finally had the time to clean it), celebrating the beauty of spring with the windows open and allowing the 70-something degree breezes of this lovely morning to blow their way through the bachelorette pad. I'm on vacation and I love it. I'm not allowing myself to practice til 1 June. Absences makes the heart grow fonder, you know.
So far this morning, I've successfully done laundry, had my quiet time, and read the newspaper from two days ago. I'm still in my jams and glasses, even at 10:45 on a Friday morning with Harry Connick Jr crooning to me over my iTunes. This is the kind of pace I've been longing for since the end of winter break. Thank God a season of rest is here!
And Mama is on her way to Columbia right now as we speak to share a beautiful weekend of repose and relaxation with me. She needs it and I am happy to have her company (and her attention!). It will be wonderful.
And things are going really well with the boy. We had a rough start... this last weekend I basically short-circuited when things all of sudden seemed to be moving way too fast and completely out of control, both of us at fault. But we had a great talk last night after a few days apart and he is so understanding and totally willing to work through things, which shows a lot of character. And can I just say that I'm so painfully aware that whoever chooses to be in any kind of a relationship with me basically has to have the patience of Job and the flexibility of a rubber band. I'm painfully aware of it. But from what I can tell he's got both, which puts my heart at ease. And in all honesty, I'm interested to see that he doesn't let me run him over, which I also have a tendency to do in relationships... basically a little girl grown up, just hoping someone will call me on my bull like my parents do, particularly my Daddy. And I know that sounds terrible, but awareness is half the battle.
And I never thought I'd say it, but as much as I hate boundaries, I've learned that I really need them, especially in relationships... one of the tragic hallmarks of my last major relationship: there were none... or very few at least. Codependency is never healthy. So that's what I'm hoping to avoid here early on, as well as not losing the sense of identity I worked so hard to cultivate these last six years.
And let's just be honest: it just takes time to get to know someone and get used to their various quirks. And in actuality, this is the part of relationships that I glory in, given the right conditions. It's letting them get to know me that is the hard part. A dear friend of mine once gave me some of the best and most beautiful encouragement: "You should let people appreciate you as much as you let yourself appreciate others, Katie... because you are wonderful." And as much as I honestly believe that about myself, I often feel God calling my bluff on that one, since he seems to consistently bring people into my life who honestly want to know the real me, which is both scary and exhilarating all at the same time. So that's where we're at: letting him in, slowly. Not perfectly, not elegantly, and definitely not systematically. But slowly... I'm not looking for a raging inferno of emotion. Oddly enough in the world of Katie, where everything is seemingly upside down, resembling more of an Alice-in-Wonderland type of logic, slow and steady wins the race. And I think he gets that. So we'll see where it goes...
So far this morning, I've successfully done laundry, had my quiet time, and read the newspaper from two days ago. I'm still in my jams and glasses, even at 10:45 on a Friday morning with Harry Connick Jr crooning to me over my iTunes. This is the kind of pace I've been longing for since the end of winter break. Thank God a season of rest is here!
And Mama is on her way to Columbia right now as we speak to share a beautiful weekend of repose and relaxation with me. She needs it and I am happy to have her company (and her attention!). It will be wonderful.
And things are going really well with the boy. We had a rough start... this last weekend I basically short-circuited when things all of sudden seemed to be moving way too fast and completely out of control, both of us at fault. But we had a great talk last night after a few days apart and he is so understanding and totally willing to work through things, which shows a lot of character. And can I just say that I'm so painfully aware that whoever chooses to be in any kind of a relationship with me basically has to have the patience of Job and the flexibility of a rubber band. I'm painfully aware of it. But from what I can tell he's got both, which puts my heart at ease. And in all honesty, I'm interested to see that he doesn't let me run him over, which I also have a tendency to do in relationships... basically a little girl grown up, just hoping someone will call me on my bull like my parents do, particularly my Daddy. And I know that sounds terrible, but awareness is half the battle.
And I never thought I'd say it, but as much as I hate boundaries, I've learned that I really need them, especially in relationships... one of the tragic hallmarks of my last major relationship: there were none... or very few at least. Codependency is never healthy. So that's what I'm hoping to avoid here early on, as well as not losing the sense of identity I worked so hard to cultivate these last six years.
And let's just be honest: it just takes time to get to know someone and get used to their various quirks. And in actuality, this is the part of relationships that I glory in, given the right conditions. It's letting them get to know me that is the hard part. A dear friend of mine once gave me some of the best and most beautiful encouragement: "You should let people appreciate you as much as you let yourself appreciate others, Katie... because you are wonderful." And as much as I honestly believe that about myself, I often feel God calling my bluff on that one, since he seems to consistently bring people into my life who honestly want to know the real me, which is both scary and exhilarating all at the same time. So that's where we're at: letting him in, slowly. Not perfectly, not elegantly, and definitely not systematically. But slowly... I'm not looking for a raging inferno of emotion. Oddly enough in the world of Katie, where everything is seemingly upside down, resembling more of an Alice-in-Wonderland type of logic, slow and steady wins the race. And I think he gets that. So we'll see where it goes...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
breathe
It's been a long time... too long. Today is the first day in the last 6 weeks (no joke!) that I have felt like I can safely breathe again. I don't have a recital to worry about, nor do I have massive amounts of research to complete to show off my abilities as an academic who can wave her magic wand and pull beautiful and thought-provoking historical analyses out of mid-air. Done and done. I am officially graduated. I am officially a Mizzou alum. Man that feels good to write. And somehow by the grace of God, I managed to do it all with flying colors. A quick check of grades online reveals straight A's... solid A's too, meaning I graduated with a 3.84 GPA... magna cum laude. And not only that, I managed to somehow be invited to join the nation's oldest and most prestigious honors fraternity as well, Phi Beta Kappa. I could just cry right now... yes I worked hard. But I was also extremely blessed in my efforts. Thank God.
This morning, I slept in, got up, and had quiet time with the Lord for the first time in months... kind of sick that I had neglected that for so long. Kind of sick that I had started relying on Sunday mornings and counseling sessions as my time to hear from God. This summer will be a time of renewal... I'm promising that to myself. I can't tell you how THANKFUL I am for my dad's foresight and wisdom: "Katie, if you're going to graduate school, I don't want you doing anything this summer." He was so right. I need this. I need to breathe. I need to take care of myself for a couple of months. Today I walked down the street and saw beauty again and I very nearly had a minor breakdown right there in public. You don't realize how hard you're running until you stop...
And of course amidst all the craziness, a boy came waltzing into my life. It is the strangest thing. It actually kind of pissed me off at first... like, who does this guy think he is?? I'm Katie Smith, for crying out loud! I was finally at a point where I was completely happy and fulfilled in my singleness. So processing this whole thing has been a challenge. But he's really sweet and willing to take things as slowly as I need to and quite honestly, I like him a little too much to not head towards something positive. I guess you could say he hasn't done anything to earn himself the boot yet ;) In reality, I totally see this as God's way of giving me an attitude adjustment to keep me from being completely self-absorbed in my own goals and thinking. And there are days when it really makes me squirm and rebel within my own selfish heart, since I really was quite wonderful and ok on my own finally. But Matt is really patient and affirming and extremely cognizant of where I'm at. I'll say one thing for him: the man knows how to tame the mare to some extent. And the entire situation is working to my advantage. That is to say, I have the whole summer to decide whether this will go somewhere long-term or not after I move to St. Louis. So we'll see where it goes... life is so strange sometimes.
Anyway now that I'm breathing again, I hope to post more often as part of my summer therapy in taking refuge from academia. Stay tuned...
This morning, I slept in, got up, and had quiet time with the Lord for the first time in months... kind of sick that I had neglected that for so long. Kind of sick that I had started relying on Sunday mornings and counseling sessions as my time to hear from God. This summer will be a time of renewal... I'm promising that to myself. I can't tell you how THANKFUL I am for my dad's foresight and wisdom: "Katie, if you're going to graduate school, I don't want you doing anything this summer." He was so right. I need this. I need to breathe. I need to take care of myself for a couple of months. Today I walked down the street and saw beauty again and I very nearly had a minor breakdown right there in public. You don't realize how hard you're running until you stop...
And of course amidst all the craziness, a boy came waltzing into my life. It is the strangest thing. It actually kind of pissed me off at first... like, who does this guy think he is?? I'm Katie Smith, for crying out loud! I was finally at a point where I was completely happy and fulfilled in my singleness. So processing this whole thing has been a challenge. But he's really sweet and willing to take things as slowly as I need to and quite honestly, I like him a little too much to not head towards something positive. I guess you could say he hasn't done anything to earn himself the boot yet ;) In reality, I totally see this as God's way of giving me an attitude adjustment to keep me from being completely self-absorbed in my own goals and thinking. And there are days when it really makes me squirm and rebel within my own selfish heart, since I really was quite wonderful and ok on my own finally. But Matt is really patient and affirming and extremely cognizant of where I'm at. I'll say one thing for him: the man knows how to tame the mare to some extent. And the entire situation is working to my advantage. That is to say, I have the whole summer to decide whether this will go somewhere long-term or not after I move to St. Louis. So we'll see where it goes... life is so strange sometimes.
Anyway now that I'm breathing again, I hope to post more often as part of my summer therapy in taking refuge from academia. Stay tuned...
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