hibernation

Tonight I do not understand myself. I am in mega hibernation mode. The closer school gets, the more roomies start coming back to our quiet little duplex, the more responsibility is placed on me by activities that have once again resumed, the more I want to be left alone. I shudder at the thought of being forced to be around people all the time once again... Is this normal??

In generations prior to ours, people were forced to be around other people and to depend on each other for survival. It's not like that anymore. I can do just fine on my own, thank you. And I find myself increasingly wanting more and more space from people, responsibilities, and demands on my time that I have little interest in. I know I'm not the only one who is like this. What I want to know is this: am I becoming increasingly selfish or am I simply searching for an adult version of independence? Or both? Does becoming an adult automatically equal becoming a more self-centered person? According to my last post, I suppose it does. But I feel like I need to understand the ramifications of this idea more... because there's a huge part of me that doesn't want to be that way AT ALL.

On the other hand, I would like to know why I have such a strong desire to be left alone. What is it about the adult world that chafes against my nerves so badly? Am I just tired of the life I've been living... tired of school and therefore tired of everything that I associate with school (responsibility, social events, living with people)?? I don't fully understand it. I wish I did. Because then I wouldn't sound so ridiculous to myself in my head when I think about these things or write about them in my blog posts. I remind myself of my dog, Casey. Casey is the best and probably only dog I've ever been close to at all. I love her with every last bit of doggie love in my heart. But she can be an independent, persnickety little snot sometimes. She growls at you if you happen to do something she doesn't like or perchance disturbs her peace. And so often, I find myself being the same way: don't invade my space, don't expect me to do things I have no interest in, and don't bother me if I otherwise look perfectly content. It makes me wonder if I will ever be ready for a relationship. I'd like to think I could be selfless if I found the right person. But even then, I still have to wonder...

In other news, I've finished reading Stuart Little. It was wonderful. The ending seems like it's not really an ending at all, but in that regard, it's sort of beautiful. E.B. White leaves it up to the reader to imagine what happens and sometimes that is the absolute best way to end a story. And I have to say that reading a children's book every night before bed has done fantastic things for me. For one thing, it helps my brain calm down much faster than just lying there, waiting to wind down in the darkness.

Also, grad school... still trying to figure out what to do about that one. I'll keep you posted.