In case you haven't noticed, it's been a while since I've been on the blog. There have been a couple of reasons for this, mainly because I've been on an emotional roller coaster since moving in with Abby's parents. And it's not because of them. In a word: boys. Or more specifically, a boy. And he walked out about as quickly as he walked in. It was amazing while it lasted, but awful and horrendous in the end, which made the break-up surprisingly easy to deal with (or easier than I expected at least) because he turned out to be completely immature and unfit for a serious relationship. You don't tell a girl you love her and talk about marriage and then act surprised if she takes you at your word. Neither do you voice major fears, concerns, and doubts about the relationship within the first month of dating (while telling her you love her) and act surprised when she has a certain amount of anxiety that's feeding off the situation you've created. Poor guy dug a hole for himself that he just couldn't get out of without turning coward.
I have kept telling God all along that I just can't deal with another heartbreak. And he was totally faithful in sparing me because I have largely been more frustrated and angry than sad. I suspect that I will grieve about it at some point later when I least expect it, but when you're treated in a such a manner, you're just glad when the truth finally comes out, the confusion is over, and you can move on with your life. I honestly pity him... and the woman he ultimately ends up with. If he learned his lesson at all and somehow changes because of it, then I will have done my job and considered it all worthwhile. This isn't to say that I'm not hurt. I'm just choosing to see the bigger picture instead.
Strange how someone can seem so perfect for you in so many ways and yet be completely wrong...
... and in all of this, I have found Beethoven to be extremely therapeutic the last couple of days, particularly the development section of the first movement of my sonata. The development is short (i.e. a completely attainable goal) with lots of swirling left hand stuff to work through... purely a matter of time before I hardly give it a second thought. Kind of like this break-up.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
lost to write-ins, independents, and non-voters
It's here. The day we all groan together over the next four years. And let's face it, we would have groaned either way. Because neither candidate is really worth celebrating.
To show you what I mean, here is an excerpt from a text conversation yesterday with my dear friend Halley:
H: "I still don't like either of the candidates..."
Me: "Write in"
H: "Hahaha. Is that what you're going to do?"
Me: "Yep. Maybe I'll write in Big Bird. Or Stephen Colbert."
I ended up writing in Ron Paul. Halley is pregnant with her first and due any day now. She ended up writing in her baby's name.
And I can think of countless others... friends of mine who are fed up with the system and choosing not to buy in, who wrote in a candidate or voted independent or just sat the election out. Ours is the generation of what I would call conservative moderates. Or maybe conservative libertarians. Either way, it's those of us in the 22 - 35 age bracket who grew up with either super conservative or super liberal baby boomer parents, who have settled somewhere in the middle politically. The current system is super broken. It just isn't giving us what we want. We're tired of it and we're not casting a vote to perpetuate the brokenness.
You may say that we wasted our votes last night. But you know, when I'm shopping for a dress or a really great pair of jeans and I don't find what I want, I wait for something better. I don't buy something I'm not convinced of. I would say it's the same politically for us. I'm no political strategist or statistician, but from what I know, countless votes were lost for both sides last night because thousands like yours truly just didn't believe in the candidates presented to us. What my vote said yesterday was this: "All you old white men with money and power who head up the partisan sides: Give us something better. We're not buying this."
And yeah, it didn't happen this election. And maybe it won't happen next election either. But eventually, third party ideas will become more mainstream and my generation will be able to vote our convictions in good conscience again. Maybe we'll get excited about voting again instead of writing in someone like Gandalf... or worse, sitting the whole thing out.
I didn't waste my vote. I refused to compromise my ideals.
To show you what I mean, here is an excerpt from a text conversation yesterday with my dear friend Halley:
H: "I still don't like either of the candidates..."
Me: "Write in"
H: "Hahaha. Is that what you're going to do?"
Me: "Yep. Maybe I'll write in Big Bird. Or Stephen Colbert."
I ended up writing in Ron Paul. Halley is pregnant with her first and due any day now. She ended up writing in her baby's name.
And I can think of countless others... friends of mine who are fed up with the system and choosing not to buy in, who wrote in a candidate or voted independent or just sat the election out. Ours is the generation of what I would call conservative moderates. Or maybe conservative libertarians. Either way, it's those of us in the 22 - 35 age bracket who grew up with either super conservative or super liberal baby boomer parents, who have settled somewhere in the middle politically. The current system is super broken. It just isn't giving us what we want. We're tired of it and we're not casting a vote to perpetuate the brokenness.
You may say that we wasted our votes last night. But you know, when I'm shopping for a dress or a really great pair of jeans and I don't find what I want, I wait for something better. I don't buy something I'm not convinced of. I would say it's the same politically for us. I'm no political strategist or statistician, but from what I know, countless votes were lost for both sides last night because thousands like yours truly just didn't believe in the candidates presented to us. What my vote said yesterday was this: "All you old white men with money and power who head up the partisan sides: Give us something better. We're not buying this."
And yeah, it didn't happen this election. And maybe it won't happen next election either. But eventually, third party ideas will become more mainstream and my generation will be able to vote our convictions in good conscience again. Maybe we'll get excited about voting again instead of writing in someone like Gandalf... or worse, sitting the whole thing out.
I didn't waste my vote. I refused to compromise my ideals.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
flow
A quick post this morning while I wait to go downstairs. A couple of mornings now, I have trotted down the stairs to find myself right in the middle of Mike and Karen's morning Bible study together. I'm always at a loss at what to do. I certainly don't want to interrupt by heading to the pantry and starting a pot of coffee, especially if they're praying. It's an awkward moment. I'm sure I'll get used to it and figure out their routine, just as they will mine in due time of course... unless of course neither one of us has a set routine, which could turn out to be the case. Going with the flow is a great skill, until your flow runs into another person's flow... and then there's too much flow going in equal and opposite directions. It's a lot of flow. Flow.
But seriously, in all actuality, these past few days have seen some of the funniest moments for me of the past few months. Sunday was moving day, and so of course one or two of the freshman girls from student ministry at Central came to help me move... that is, came home from church with me and then I took them back later that night to youth group. They are, in a word, some of the most hilarious creatures on the planet. "Can we come house-shopping with you someday, Katie Beth?" "When you get married, can we come to your wedding?" "Seriously, how long did it take you to learn all of our names last year?" (Uh... the entire year)... "Katie Beth! That is not ok for a mama!" Not to mention all the antics they like to try while in traffic. I have never seen so many astonished drivers sitting at stoplights next to me. But I love them and they were a huge help. They basically set up my entire room for me while I stood around talking to my family and bidding them farewell after the move. And then they forbid me to bring my ficus tree (strung with white lights) upstairs to my room, claiming that it was a bad addiction and that I needed to quit the ficus. You can't make this stuff up.
Yesterday I made my debut as a conductor at Lutheran High... I promise you, it was nothing huge. But definitely funny. There's one piece (a cappella) that Jen wants to sing the solo for during Chapel next week and since I won't have to play, she's asked me to conduct it instead. She figures if the director of the St. Louis Chamber Chorus can step down from the podium and sing with his own choir, then so can she. I'm just excited to actually use my Basic Conducting skills :) But of course, being a pianist, the very first downbeat I give them, the entire choir bursts out laughing. I can't help it... I prep with a sniff. I always do... that's how I was taught to cue as a pianist. Get over it and let's go. It took two or three tries before they finally stopped laughing and then I gave a bad prep and did it once without sniffing, at which point they were completely confused and decided they absolutely couldn't come in without it anymore. Lol. High schoolers...
Today: attempting to get back into my normal practice routine. Spent the majority of yesterday's practice time catching up on accompanying stuff. Then teaching three kids this afternoon, then Wednesday night youth group. Long days, but I love them. And I'm loving the weather here lately. St. Louis in the fall is incomparable.
And somehow the Cards lost last night and still made the playoffs... here we go again.
But seriously, in all actuality, these past few days have seen some of the funniest moments for me of the past few months. Sunday was moving day, and so of course one or two of the freshman girls from student ministry at Central came to help me move... that is, came home from church with me and then I took them back later that night to youth group. They are, in a word, some of the most hilarious creatures on the planet. "Can we come house-shopping with you someday, Katie Beth?" "When you get married, can we come to your wedding?" "Seriously, how long did it take you to learn all of our names last year?" (Uh... the entire year)... "Katie Beth! That is not ok for a mama!" Not to mention all the antics they like to try while in traffic. I have never seen so many astonished drivers sitting at stoplights next to me. But I love them and they were a huge help. They basically set up my entire room for me while I stood around talking to my family and bidding them farewell after the move. And then they forbid me to bring my ficus tree (strung with white lights) upstairs to my room, claiming that it was a bad addiction and that I needed to quit the ficus. You can't make this stuff up.
Yesterday I made my debut as a conductor at Lutheran High... I promise you, it was nothing huge. But definitely funny. There's one piece (a cappella) that Jen wants to sing the solo for during Chapel next week and since I won't have to play, she's asked me to conduct it instead. She figures if the director of the St. Louis Chamber Chorus can step down from the podium and sing with his own choir, then so can she. I'm just excited to actually use my Basic Conducting skills :) But of course, being a pianist, the very first downbeat I give them, the entire choir bursts out laughing. I can't help it... I prep with a sniff. I always do... that's how I was taught to cue as a pianist. Get over it and let's go. It took two or three tries before they finally stopped laughing and then I gave a bad prep and did it once without sniffing, at which point they were completely confused and decided they absolutely couldn't come in without it anymore. Lol. High schoolers...
Today: attempting to get back into my normal practice routine. Spent the majority of yesterday's practice time catching up on accompanying stuff. Then teaching three kids this afternoon, then Wednesday night youth group. Long days, but I love them. And I'm loving the weather here lately. St. Louis in the fall is incomparable.
And somehow the Cards lost last night and still made the playoffs... here we go again.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
oct 2
A quick post while I wait to meet my mom. So many things have happened in the past week... so many good things, that is. But this pianist is one exhausted girl.
For one thing, I moved... again... for the 5th time in two years. We are officially out of the boy-lair and in with a couple of empty nesters whose seven kids are grown and gone (at the very least in college). It is wonderful but my body is still adjusting. Any time I make a major life transition, my body violently resists and turns its pure hatred on me in whatever form it so chooses. This time it's sleeplessness... last night I got about five hours. The average for the past week has been about six per night, give or take. I really need about seven to seven-and-a-half to function in a loveable manner. Less than ideal, but you do what you have to do.
Monday morning I got off facebook. I didn't deactivate. Between you and me, I will probably still check it now and then to keep up with people, but no commenting or status updates. It's already really good because I'm forcing myself to be more intentional in real life with people I care about. The only downside is that you can't be intentional with everyone, so I know there are (and will be) people who fall through the cracks. I think Facebook can be really dangerous in that regard... giving us a false sense of security in our relationships. I'll be interested to see what else my hiatus reveals.
Saturday we got the piano and the dining room table and chairs moved out of the boy-lair. Holy cow, what a job. But it was the smoothest I'd ever seen that instrument moved. Eight guys and a truck showed up from my church and we were done within an hour and a half. It is now properly installed in the Central Youth House where it will stay until it either dies or finds a new owner. I am so relieved.
Today, I also got MY NEW MACBOOK in the mail today from my friend James. I am super pumped. He gave me a great deal on it and even sealed in a beautifully printed receipt for my business tax records. I'm not typing from it just yet... it's still in its packaging and I am hesitant to open it when I have to teach in just another hour or so. I would much rather wait until I have ample time to introduce myself to it properly, figure out its quirks, and start transferring stuff over. Let's face it: in the midst of a move and a new computer, it may be another three weeks before I am fully functional again.
More later. Mom just rolled in...
For one thing, I moved... again... for the 5th time in two years. We are officially out of the boy-lair and in with a couple of empty nesters whose seven kids are grown and gone (at the very least in college). It is wonderful but my body is still adjusting. Any time I make a major life transition, my body violently resists and turns its pure hatred on me in whatever form it so chooses. This time it's sleeplessness... last night I got about five hours. The average for the past week has been about six per night, give or take. I really need about seven to seven-and-a-half to function in a loveable manner. Less than ideal, but you do what you have to do.
Monday morning I got off facebook. I didn't deactivate. Between you and me, I will probably still check it now and then to keep up with people, but no commenting or status updates. It's already really good because I'm forcing myself to be more intentional in real life with people I care about. The only downside is that you can't be intentional with everyone, so I know there are (and will be) people who fall through the cracks. I think Facebook can be really dangerous in that regard... giving us a false sense of security in our relationships. I'll be interested to see what else my hiatus reveals.
Saturday we got the piano and the dining room table and chairs moved out of the boy-lair. Holy cow, what a job. But it was the smoothest I'd ever seen that instrument moved. Eight guys and a truck showed up from my church and we were done within an hour and a half. It is now properly installed in the Central Youth House where it will stay until it either dies or finds a new owner. I am so relieved.
Today, I also got MY NEW MACBOOK in the mail today from my friend James. I am super pumped. He gave me a great deal on it and even sealed in a beautifully printed receipt for my business tax records. I'm not typing from it just yet... it's still in its packaging and I am hesitant to open it when I have to teach in just another hour or so. I would much rather wait until I have ample time to introduce myself to it properly, figure out its quirks, and start transferring stuff over. Let's face it: in the midst of a move and a new computer, it may be another three weeks before I am fully functional again.
More later. Mom just rolled in...
Saturday, September 22, 2012
bold moves
Today is a packing day. Waiting for my mom to get here this morning to help me... and when I say help, I actually mean sit in a chair nearby, reading a newspaper and quietly forcing me to get work done. Because I am a procrastinator of the worst kind and we both know it. Last night I called her in a moment of panic: I look at my stuff, know it needs to get packed, and feel all the negative energy of not wanting to do it surge through my body like the Rebel Alliance. So she is coming to hold my feet to the fire... while simultaneously holding my hand. I know... it's ridiculous. But we won't go there. You do what you have to do.
I'm also seriously considering getting off facebook... at least for a while. I've really come to realize that I use it for the wrong reasons, mostly because as a pianist, I spend the majority of my life in a cave, making facebook a primary point of contact with the outside world. It isn't an inherently bad thing, but if left unchecked, I think it could become really unhealthy over time. And I know it tends to become unhealthy for me at different times. When you relate less to actual people, your ability to want to do that and to be able to do that well diminishes. I've also come to realize that when I give up something or go without, I don't sit there wishing I had it back. I just adjust and go on... i.e. I know how to manipulate myself back into a proper state of human relation. And it's not just about me. I honestly think it's high time we got away from the computer and started relating to each other properly once again. I realize that the more I put on facebook, the less people may actually feel inclined to relate to me personally. They don't need to ask about anything because they know everything already. It's honestly ridiculous what social media has done to us. If people want to call me, they can call. If they want to email, they can email. Or check the blog. Or heaven forbid, write me a letter. But this business of putting everything out there all the time for an entire public square to see and comment on... I think it only puffs up our personal sense of importance and isolates us even more than we may already feel. I know that I will seek out the friends I truly care about more intentionally without it.
And yes, part of it is that I feel like I'm letting out too much of my own information and I want to regain control of that. But I also think about many people whom I greatly admire and respect that aren't on facebook and have spent their entire lives without it. And they are some of the wisest and most gracious human beings I know.
It's a bold move, but I think I'm ready for it...
I'm also seriously considering getting off facebook... at least for a while. I've really come to realize that I use it for the wrong reasons, mostly because as a pianist, I spend the majority of my life in a cave, making facebook a primary point of contact with the outside world. It isn't an inherently bad thing, but if left unchecked, I think it could become really unhealthy over time. And I know it tends to become unhealthy for me at different times. When you relate less to actual people, your ability to want to do that and to be able to do that well diminishes. I've also come to realize that when I give up something or go without, I don't sit there wishing I had it back. I just adjust and go on... i.e. I know how to manipulate myself back into a proper state of human relation. And it's not just about me. I honestly think it's high time we got away from the computer and started relating to each other properly once again. I realize that the more I put on facebook, the less people may actually feel inclined to relate to me personally. They don't need to ask about anything because they know everything already. It's honestly ridiculous what social media has done to us. If people want to call me, they can call. If they want to email, they can email. Or check the blog. Or heaven forbid, write me a letter. But this business of putting everything out there all the time for an entire public square to see and comment on... I think it only puffs up our personal sense of importance and isolates us even more than we may already feel. I know that I will seek out the friends I truly care about more intentionally without it.
And yes, part of it is that I feel like I'm letting out too much of my own information and I want to regain control of that. But I also think about many people whom I greatly admire and respect that aren't on facebook and have spent their entire lives without it. And they are some of the wisest and most gracious human beings I know.
It's a bold move, but I think I'm ready for it...
Monday, September 17, 2012
pause
As much as I would love to brush this under the rug and just go practice this morning, I know I need to get it out. Sometimes my blog is one of the primary ways in which I feel heard... by who? I have no idea. I just know that I need to 1. write it out (my favorite music theory professor always used to say that writing is thinking... yes, yes, yes: he is beyond right) and 2. feel like I'm heard, even if it's a complete illusion. At the very least, my grandma. She is the one faithful reader I'm always sure of. I'm pretty sure she checks here every day. Thank for doing that, Grandma. I hope you know how much that means to me.
Last night I found out that the empty-nesters I'm moving in with found out suddenly and surprisingly that several of their family members are coming into town for several days next weekend. Because of this new development, they've asked me to postpone moving til a few days later or the following weekend. It would be a lie to say that I'm ok with this. Slightly disappointed and saddened is more like it. There are good things -- extra time to pack and organize the logistics of the move, both of which I have totally struggled with recently, as well as getting my full month's rent out of the current place I'm in. But mostly it means two more weeks with the guys instead of just one. Le sigh... and groan.
I've also been thinking a lot about England lately. My friends who moved there, the Griggs, have been faithfully posting so many wonderful things about their adventures in getting settled in a new country. It brings back so many sweet memories of my stay there six years ago... and it makes me want to go back so, so bad. I can't tell yet if it's because I'm frustrated with certain things here or if it's because I really want to go back. Probably a healthy dose of both.
My brother randomly came home this weekend. Picked him up at the train station in Kirkwood Saturday night at midnight (two hours later than it should've been because of a train delay). We went back to my place, got about five or six hours of sleep, got up, and left again at 7:30 the next morning so I could go play for the Lutherans at Orchard Farm. Then we went back to my church for the 11:15 service. It was definitely an adventure and I was glad he was able to come home and be with me for a day. I wish he was here more often... but then I would never get anything done. And he would never settle down to the hard work of growing up. It's definitely better that he's in school right now.
Finished "The Voyage Out." Definitely one of the most anti-climactic endings of a book ever written. Totally confirms my analysis in my last post. Picked up "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis, since we're going through certain parts of it in our senior high student ministry this fall. It is already refreshing and mind-blowing.
Practice this morning, rehearsal at Lutheran, then three students. Still so much to figure out right now. I guess I should be happy my professional life is mostly under control... mostly. Sometimes a good night's sleep can change everything. But sometimes it just feels like you're putting reality on pause. That is definitely the case right now.
Last night I found out that the empty-nesters I'm moving in with found out suddenly and surprisingly that several of their family members are coming into town for several days next weekend. Because of this new development, they've asked me to postpone moving til a few days later or the following weekend. It would be a lie to say that I'm ok with this. Slightly disappointed and saddened is more like it. There are good things -- extra time to pack and organize the logistics of the move, both of which I have totally struggled with recently, as well as getting my full month's rent out of the current place I'm in. But mostly it means two more weeks with the guys instead of just one. Le sigh... and groan.
I've also been thinking a lot about England lately. My friends who moved there, the Griggs, have been faithfully posting so many wonderful things about their adventures in getting settled in a new country. It brings back so many sweet memories of my stay there six years ago... and it makes me want to go back so, so bad. I can't tell yet if it's because I'm frustrated with certain things here or if it's because I really want to go back. Probably a healthy dose of both.
My brother randomly came home this weekend. Picked him up at the train station in Kirkwood Saturday night at midnight (two hours later than it should've been because of a train delay). We went back to my place, got about five or six hours of sleep, got up, and left again at 7:30 the next morning so I could go play for the Lutherans at Orchard Farm. Then we went back to my church for the 11:15 service. It was definitely an adventure and I was glad he was able to come home and be with me for a day. I wish he was here more often... but then I would never get anything done. And he would never settle down to the hard work of growing up. It's definitely better that he's in school right now.
Finished "The Voyage Out." Definitely one of the most anti-climactic endings of a book ever written. Totally confirms my analysis in my last post. Picked up "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis, since we're going through certain parts of it in our senior high student ministry this fall. It is already refreshing and mind-blowing.
Practice this morning, rehearsal at Lutheran, then three students. Still so much to figure out right now. I guess I should be happy my professional life is mostly under control... mostly. Sometimes a good night's sleep can change everything. But sometimes it just feels like you're putting reality on pause. That is definitely the case right now.
Friday, September 14, 2012
a lot on my mind... and Virginia
There's been a lot on my mind lately. Good thing it's a lazy morning and I have time to (somewhat) sift through a bunch of it. Thoughts running through my head this morning...
- I'm moving. In a week. And I haven't done a single thing to start packing.
- Purging. I'm going to have to purge some stuff. I've acquired quite the little one-person household's worth of stuff in the past year or so and I'm moving into the equivalent of a bedroom and a bathroom... if that.
- Some friends of mine wanted to see if they could help me move my bed, dresser, and personals this weekend... logistically, I am so not ready. Oops...
- Thankful for the cooler weather. This morning when I woke up, it was like 60 degrees and rainy. So, so, so thankful.
- I have student requests coming out my ears. In the past week alone, I've been approached by three different families with eight kids combined who want lessons. That's in addition to the twelve I already have. Holy cow.
- Regardless of work and urges to pack in the back of my mind, all I want to do is practice. I started working on new rep this fall and I'm in love with it. I basically have the equivalent of a school-girl crush on my Bach Partita... [insert robot voice]: "Take me to your piano..."
- I'm realizing that I am such an introvert. Much more than I ever realized. Wondering how I'm going to fit in with a couple of extroverted empty-nesters in my temporary new home...
- In light of my brother being gone now, I'm also realizing that my mom is such an extrovert. It has really been hard on her to not have anyone in the house. And she's realizing the same about me... that we're not who we thought the other was. It's been another phase of adjustment.
Also, oddly enough, not that this has anything to do with any of the actual stuff going on in my life right now, but I've been thinking a lot lately about the book I'm close to finishing. I'm roughly two chapters from the end in Virginia Woolf's "The Voyage Out" and it has been the hardest book I've ever read in my life. It's taken me twice as long to finish it as it should have. Simultaneously boring and stressful, it's the story of Rachel Vinrace, the daughter of a ship's captain who sails to South America on her father's boat, along with her aunt, uncle, and several other people. Once she gets to S. America, she stays there with her aunt and uncle and falls in love with another Englishman, Terence, who's there on holiday as well. They eventually become engaged and [SPOILER] shortly thereafter, she gets sick and dies. All along the way, the characters miss each other in communication and continually contemplate the meaning of it all... why do we get married anyway? What does it really mean to fall in love? What does society expect from women? How do we know that we're actually communicating with anyone or that other people understand us at all? How do we deal with the fact that we often feel like singular creatures in a vast universe, unable to really communicate with anyone else? When I started the book, the premise of it seemed quite entrancing, and so I kept reading, hoping I would eventually get to the good part. But it never came. Yesterday I voiced much of my frustration on facebook, which was actually a very therapeutic process because it forced me to get it all out and go back to square one. As in, what is Virginia getting at in this ridiculous story of which nothing truly good or interesting happens and nobody understands each other??
And what I came to was this: This book is a parody of life. It's a mirror of us and society and Virginia doesn't have any answers for us. She just wants us to ask the same questions that the characters ask and wrestle with them ourselves. This is particularly evident in her treatment of Rachel's death and the way the other characters react to it in the days following. Virginia doesn't end the book with Rachel's death... she ends it with an outcry of frustrated questions from the other characters as to what it all means, as well as the continuation of the mundane at both the hotel and the villa where the story is set. The entire book is one big, fat, rhetorical question contemplating the dark loneliness of the human experience and the search for meaning within it. Virginia asks us to wrestle with those hard questions and then tells us, "Well, the thing is... we don't actually know what it all means or what the purpose is, but somehow, life goes on..." Cool. Thanks for that, girl...
... and yet, I am so glad that I'm going to finish it. Not only do I feel a personal sense of triumph and growth in struggling through such a hard book, but I also feel like what she has to say is both relevant and valid. How many people do you know that are asking the same questions today with the same lack of hope? I don't know about you, but so many people that I come into contact with are right there with her... and if not, they're on the edge. Everyone is just trying to keep their head above water, to not get bogged down in the deep undercurrent of despair that our culture is facing in the midst of this economic struggle.
And yet, we have hope. For those who believe in him, we can rest in the assurance of being unified to Christ. No matter what happens or what struggles we face, he came for us and looks on us as sons and daughters. And he will come for us again one day at the end, when all questions will be answered and we'll rest in glory. But our greatest gift in the face of questions and hardship isn't the process of living or the oasis to come. It's the presence of Christ, given to us both now and in eternity. We may not understand everything, but we do have hope. And it's found in the person of Jesus.
"For he who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"
- I'm moving. In a week. And I haven't done a single thing to start packing.
- Purging. I'm going to have to purge some stuff. I've acquired quite the little one-person household's worth of stuff in the past year or so and I'm moving into the equivalent of a bedroom and a bathroom... if that.
- Some friends of mine wanted to see if they could help me move my bed, dresser, and personals this weekend... logistically, I am so not ready. Oops...
- Thankful for the cooler weather. This morning when I woke up, it was like 60 degrees and rainy. So, so, so thankful.
- I have student requests coming out my ears. In the past week alone, I've been approached by three different families with eight kids combined who want lessons. That's in addition to the twelve I already have. Holy cow.
- Regardless of work and urges to pack in the back of my mind, all I want to do is practice. I started working on new rep this fall and I'm in love with it. I basically have the equivalent of a school-girl crush on my Bach Partita... [insert robot voice]: "Take me to your piano..."
- I'm realizing that I am such an introvert. Much more than I ever realized. Wondering how I'm going to fit in with a couple of extroverted empty-nesters in my temporary new home...
- In light of my brother being gone now, I'm also realizing that my mom is such an extrovert. It has really been hard on her to not have anyone in the house. And she's realizing the same about me... that we're not who we thought the other was. It's been another phase of adjustment.
Also, oddly enough, not that this has anything to do with any of the actual stuff going on in my life right now, but I've been thinking a lot lately about the book I'm close to finishing. I'm roughly two chapters from the end in Virginia Woolf's "The Voyage Out" and it has been the hardest book I've ever read in my life. It's taken me twice as long to finish it as it should have. Simultaneously boring and stressful, it's the story of Rachel Vinrace, the daughter of a ship's captain who sails to South America on her father's boat, along with her aunt, uncle, and several other people. Once she gets to S. America, she stays there with her aunt and uncle and falls in love with another Englishman, Terence, who's there on holiday as well. They eventually become engaged and [SPOILER] shortly thereafter, she gets sick and dies. All along the way, the characters miss each other in communication and continually contemplate the meaning of it all... why do we get married anyway? What does it really mean to fall in love? What does society expect from women? How do we know that we're actually communicating with anyone or that other people understand us at all? How do we deal with the fact that we often feel like singular creatures in a vast universe, unable to really communicate with anyone else? When I started the book, the premise of it seemed quite entrancing, and so I kept reading, hoping I would eventually get to the good part. But it never came. Yesterday I voiced much of my frustration on facebook, which was actually a very therapeutic process because it forced me to get it all out and go back to square one. As in, what is Virginia getting at in this ridiculous story of which nothing truly good or interesting happens and nobody understands each other??
And what I came to was this: This book is a parody of life. It's a mirror of us and society and Virginia doesn't have any answers for us. She just wants us to ask the same questions that the characters ask and wrestle with them ourselves. This is particularly evident in her treatment of Rachel's death and the way the other characters react to it in the days following. Virginia doesn't end the book with Rachel's death... she ends it with an outcry of frustrated questions from the other characters as to what it all means, as well as the continuation of the mundane at both the hotel and the villa where the story is set. The entire book is one big, fat, rhetorical question contemplating the dark loneliness of the human experience and the search for meaning within it. Virginia asks us to wrestle with those hard questions and then tells us, "Well, the thing is... we don't actually know what it all means or what the purpose is, but somehow, life goes on..." Cool. Thanks for that, girl...
... and yet, I am so glad that I'm going to finish it. Not only do I feel a personal sense of triumph and growth in struggling through such a hard book, but I also feel like what she has to say is both relevant and valid. How many people do you know that are asking the same questions today with the same lack of hope? I don't know about you, but so many people that I come into contact with are right there with her... and if not, they're on the edge. Everyone is just trying to keep their head above water, to not get bogged down in the deep undercurrent of despair that our culture is facing in the midst of this economic struggle.
And yet, we have hope. For those who believe in him, we can rest in the assurance of being unified to Christ. No matter what happens or what struggles we face, he came for us and looks on us as sons and daughters. And he will come for us again one day at the end, when all questions will be answered and we'll rest in glory. But our greatest gift in the face of questions and hardship isn't the process of living or the oasis to come. It's the presence of Christ, given to us both now and in eternity. We may not understand everything, but we do have hope. And it's found in the person of Jesus.
"For he who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"
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